Personality Cafe banner
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
21 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
can I tell my 10 year old ESTJ daughter that her mother is a liar and she's causing me great suffering?

added: @Shimmerleaf - My cheating ex-wife is telling my children she want to get together with me, and she telling them I don't want because I have a fiancee. Which I have not! I'm lonely as a dog. I'm still devastated by the affair after 3 years. This is too crazy! My kids keep asking me if I have a fiancee.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,442 Posts
Absolutely not. Including children in parental conflicts can harm children psychologically. Talk to a therapist or a trusted friend to get your feelings out and/or figure out a way to tactfully talk to your child.
 

·
MOTM September 2012
Joined
·
8,417 Posts
It would be better if you did not. Just tell them the truth of your situation, in that you don't have a fiancee and that you haven't felt like dating since you divorced your wife. They pick up on it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,053 Posts
I was unaware that a 10 year old child's personality could be typed, I thought that high school sophomore year was their first exposure to MBTI typing.

Regardless of your child's potential typing errors, I'd say don't do it.
I'd never tell my children that their mother is a liar, nor would I put them in the middle between any drama between myself spouse.
Do your children a favor by leaving them out of the drama that is your marriage. Talk to your children regarding you not getting engaged, reassure them that all that talk is just rumors but don't discuss the ugly details of your marriage.
 

·
MOTM September 2012
Joined
·
8,417 Posts
I was unaware that a 10 year old child's personality could be typed, I thought that high school sophomore year was their first exposure to MBTI typing.
Children cannot be typed; teens are often exposed in the 10th grade because that is when psychology classes like AP psychology are typically offered. Personality typing is better done after the age of 18, just as a diagnosis of a personal disorder is better done after the age of 18.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,806 Posts
I disagree with everyone else. Don't use the exact phrase "your mother is a liar" but let the kids know that she's lying. Tell them that you don't have a fiance and haven't dated since the divorce, and she is aware of this but is misleading them for unclear reasons. Right now she is slandering you to your children and making you look like a bad father and a liar yourself, so you need to set the record straight.

Not to mention that your kids might potentially need to protect themselves. Lies can be very destructive and don't think it's going to stop just with you. My dad is a pathological liar...between the cheating and the lying for no reason, it sounds like your ex-wife is one too. My family had to deal with years of him lying to avoid the consequences of his actions, lying to turn people against one another, lying to get sympathy, and whenever someone actually called him out on his scumminess, he would tell slanderous lies about them to anyone who would listen. Your kids need to have some idea of what their mother is capable of so they can be wary.
 

·
MOTM September 2012
Joined
·
8,417 Posts
I disagree with everyone else. Don't use the exact phrase "your mother is a liar" but let the kids know that she's lying. Tell them that you don't have a fiance and haven't dated since the divorce, and she is aware of this but is misleading them for unclear reasons. Right now she is slandering you to your children and making you look like a bad father and a liar yourself, so you need to set the record straight.
This is basically what I said -- he needs to communicate the situation succinctly to the children without passing judgmental language over it. However, I don't think that he should mention to the children that their mother is misleading them for unclear reasons. They'll pick up on that if he keeps reiterating that he doesn't have a fiancee and that he's disinterested in forming relationships with women, including their mother, at present. Let the children come to their own opinions. I will say, though, that if she persists in this kind of behavior, he can take his wife to family court over it; if she's going to lie constantly to the children, she is not the appropriate caregiver for them.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,806 Posts
This is basically what I said -- he needs to communicate the situation succinctly to the children without passing judgmental language over it. However, I don't think that he should mention to the children that their mother is misleading them for unclear reasons. They'll pick up on that if he keeps reiterating that he doesn't have a fiancee and that he's disinterested in forming relationships with women, including their mother, at present. Let the children come to their own opinions. I will say, though, that if she persists in this kind of behavior, he can take his wife to family court over it; if she's going to lie constantly to the children, she is not the appropriate caregiver for them.
But what if they assume he is the liar and is hiding his relationship from them? It seems like that's what they're thinking already, since they "keep asking him" if he has a fiancee.
 

·
MOTM September 2012
Joined
·
8,417 Posts
But what if they assume he is the liar and is hiding his relationship from them? It seems like that's what they're thinking already, since they "keep asking him" if he has a fiancee.
If she's accusing him of being a liar, she's in the wrong. However, if he calls her a liar, even if it's true, he's essentially stooping to her level. If they're believing her version over his at the present, they're still not going to believe when/if he calls her a liar or insinuates that she is a liar. Frankly, the best thing he can say is that he doesn't have a fiancee and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, with any woman. He should focus on his relationship with his children as best he can, seek counseling if he needs it, and potentially take legal action against their mother.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,065 Posts
no. seek therapy and try and keep your children as far away from your relationship drama as you can. my parents confided all their issues in me when i was a little kid during their divorce and slandered each other constantly, and it's taken a lot of work for me to get over the damage that did. don't let that happen to your children. tell them only what is absolutely necessary for them to know when it comes to you and your ex-wife, and in the most gentle and neutral way possible.
 
  • Like
Reactions: koalaroo

·
Spotlight March 2016
Joined
·
8,193 Posts
can I tell my 10 year old ESTJ daughter that her mother is a liar and she's causing me great suffering?

added: @Shimmerleaf - My cheating ex-wife is telling my children she want to get together with me, and she telling them I don't want because I have a fiancee. Which I have not! I'm lonely as a dog. I'm still devastated by the affair after 3 years. This is too crazy! My kids keep asking me if I have a fiancee.
Being honest is never wrong, but being honest and putting down someone else might be. As well as saying what doesn't need to be said.

I think it's potentially hurtful for your kids to think that you might have a fiancee, and it's probably important that they know the people that are in their lives.

Just tell your kids that you don't know where their mother heard that you had a fiancee, but you do not. Simple as that. Let them know that if anyone does come into your life, they will be the first to know, and it will come directly from you.

It thus does not imply that your ex-wife is a liar, but rather, that she is misinformed.
 

·
MOTM June 2015
Joined
·
4,393 Posts
As someone who grew with one parent bad mouthing the other, I can tell you it is damaging to the kids. Even though there was truth to the things I was being told, it did not help me at all to hear it, or to be put in a position to take sides. A child needs to feel free to love both parents, without being made to feel disloyal or guilty to the other one. Involving them in the middle of the drama will cause them to feel the need to take sides, and they will likely do that. However, doing so may cause them to feel greatly conflicted. At least it did to me.

I have grown children myself now, but I still feel great sadness over the way things played out during my childhood. My relationship with one of my parents was damaged due to this, and unfortunately they passed away, so I am left feeling like there were unresolved things. This fact will always be with me, and will continue to bother me.

ETA. I would let your daughter know that you do not have a fiancee, but I would do my best to refrain from expressing opinions about her mothers conduct.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,180 Posts
"I don't know why your mother told you that, but no, I don't have a fiancee."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,950 Posts
Be always honest with them, and as someone said, consult a therapist and don't let any marriage conflicts mess between your kid and you. I was one of those childs and believe, it did not good to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,838 Posts
No. What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you trying to ruin your daughter and your marriage?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
178 Posts
can I tell my 10 year old ESTJ daughter that her mother is a liar and she's causing me great suffering?

added: @Shimmerleaf - My cheating ex-wife is telling my children she want to get together with me, and she telling them I don't want because I have a fiancee. Which I have not! I'm lonely as a dog. I'm still devastated by the affair after 3 years. This is too crazy! My kids keep asking me if I have a fiancee.
Absolutely.

As others have advised, I would be tactful and do the utmost to factor out any personal vendettas. I would not, however, lie or bother to conceal the fact that her mother is lying.

White lies are still lies. After all, it is not the idea that a trusted figure like a parent is untrustworthy that bothers children; it is the idea that a trusted figure doesn't live up to an image that is particularly disturbing - basically, the revelation of an inconsistency between what is believed to be true and what is in fact true. To labor the point, if all children grew up believing that lying was okay, the revelation would be met easily and painlessly.

Adding more mistruths will only create more opportunities for your daughter to eventually uncover falseness hidden by you and discover that neither parent can be trusted, and is only injecting more of the one thing that might actually harm her: misunderstanding.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top