Can Neediness Ever Be Endearing?

Necrofantasia said:

I'm mostly used to the idea of neediness being something incredibly offputting that gradually evokes revulsion in the receiving party over time...
Is it ever something that actually brings out an instinct to nurture or spoil ? Or does it really depend on who's being needy ie a lover vs a dependent.? Is there a term for this kind of thing in the English language?
What's the distinction between Needy and Demanding?

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A reasonable amount of neediness is definitely endearing to me, key word reasonable, the worst relationships I've had was always the independent x independent one where we each end up doing our own shit and guaranteed to fizzle out over time.

As this pertains to attachment styles, if you couldn't pick secure and had to pick between avoidant or anxious, I'll always pick anxious over avoidant by a landslide, I can't deal with avoidant, we will just ignore each other and it will die immediately.

Oh and to answer your question, when neediness is done right like in a cute endearing manner, it immediately triggers my instinct to nurture and spoil exactly as you hypothesised. Obviously this is exclusive to lovers, needy friends, especially male friends are a huge turn off, it’s like get ur shit together bro. As for kids, unsure, depends how cute they are I guess.

I don't know a word for it in any of the languages I am fluent in, but I suppose the closest I can think of is moe? But more aggressive/playful...
"Vulnerability" doesn't quite work,... I guess begging only is positive if you want someone to beg you for something. It's most likely linked to dominance.
I suppose "Reasonable Neediness" will have to do for now.... thanks.

Necrofantasia said:

I'm mostly used to the idea of neediness being something incredibly offputting that gradually evokes revulsion in the receiving party over time...
Is it ever something that actually brings out an instinct to nurture or spoil ? Or does it really depend on who's being needy ie a lover vs a dependent.? Is there a term for this kind of thing in the English language?
What's the distinction between Needy and Demanding?

Click to expand...

The reaction to neediness depends on what the receiving party wants.

Neediness is often not considered the same thing as demanding--because they really are two different things.

Someone can make demands of you for things they do not need. Demandingness is often seen as something more aggressive.

Whereas true neediness is basically just recognizing a need. A baby needs milk--it cries without understanding why--just because it is hungry. It's not being demanding.

But to a tired mother, it may feel like a demand, even if that's not actually coming from the baby since the baby cannot understand the concept of demand, and they are just reacting according to a basic need.

It moreso depends on the person perceiving the neediness and what they have to offer, and what they want.

To some people neediness is appealing if they want to feel needed, or if they view neediness as a weakness and they want to feel they have an advantage of strength.

To some people it's repulsive, like if they have nothing to offer--it can remind them of their lack.

It's very complicated and we probably develop issues surrounding this concept in early childhood sometimes--like the anxious attachment style (which would be characterized by neediness) and the avoidant (which would be characterized by the fear of being needy or of having anyone depend on them.

But neediness, in the true sense, is part of being human. We are all needy when we are babies. And unfortunately, life doesn't always provide us with what we need, so we often develop issues around this theme.

And sometimes people manipulate others with acts of neediness, which further puts others off from the idea of it. Like the term "the squeaky wheel gets the oil"--some people do act demanding, and they do it in the guise of neediness, when they are actually trying to control and demand from others.

But if you think of an infant, who is only reacting out of fear for his life or discomfort around physiological conditions he cannot control, it's far from acting demanding.

Necrofantasia said:

Could it be possible that men are more likely to find it endearing?
Or perhaps dominants....? I know I have felt this but I don't think there is a word specifically for it in English.

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I do think that people who desire to feel dominant may find neediness endearing, because if you are providing for someone's needs, you must have some control over the situation.

Similar to providing food for a baby, though that is often a more feminine role in reality. But it's still the role of an authority figure.

In a relationship in which one partner is dominant, dominance is usually synonymous with authority?

Neediness also makes others feel needed--so if someone desires to feel needed, then the neediness may allow them to fill the role of provider, and they may feel a sense of relief in that role.

Necrofantasia said:

This is kinda like how the difference between Seductive and Creepy really is about how the receiver feels about the giver isn't it?

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I think that "creepy" as a woman, I would fear the man is secretly demanding or would force me to give him something. So it is a fear about being manipulated or being aggressed upon.

Whereas if someone seduced me, then I would want them--I would feel a need and a desire...and a seducer puts us in touch with our own desires (which to me is another version of "need"--because when we desire something, we often feel we need it).

So yeah--I guess, because with adult relationships (and probably also other familial types of relationships--like between a mother and child) there is a mutual agreement--something in which both parties do benefit from.

In an ideally seductive situation you feel comfortable or excited about what you need or want from the other, and they are likely showing you how they can provide it to you (like in the form of romance or sex too).

But in a creepy situation, you may feel they want something that is not okay--something that might even harm you or take your life away. So it would be a situation in which someone's need or desire is not matched with your own need or desire (like the desire to be happy or the need to live).

So it is also about how the giver is behaving--and if the receiver feels like they match up. Ultimately, sometimes people don't match even when they might match fine with another, like with how ENTJudgement would prefer to be with a needy, anxious girl--that is likely because he's more of the avoidant/antagonistic type. idk--I guess it's just freaking complicated.

Thanks for providing me with the opportunity to answer questions--it's as if I am needed, and I feel a bit more like I can contribute something valuable, which makes me feel good. Even though normally I don't consider you someone who needs feedback or input. So yeah--it's nice to feel needed sometimes, and appreciated.

Necrofantasia said:

I don't know a word for it in any of the languages I am fluent in, but I suppose the closest I can think of is moe? But more aggressive/playful...
"Vulnerability" doesn't quite work,... I guess begging only is positive if you want someone to beg you for something. It's most likely linked to dominance.
I suppose "Reasonable Neediness" will have to do for now.... thanks.

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Lmao, when you said Moe, I immediately thought K-On, Yui x Ui

WickerDeer said:

To some people neediness is appealing if they want to feel needed, or if they view neediness as a weakness and they want to feel they have an advantage of strength.

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Great break down, pretty accurate overall, just want to also add;
1. You feel like you've done something for them, like you've provided some kind of value and thus theres reason to be liked/loved.
2. When people's needs are met they often show some kind of happiness or joy thats satisfying to feel or see, like I was responsible for that person's brief moment of joy.
3. It makes me feel less selfish, if I've invested in you, I'll automatically become more responsible, when noone wants or needs me, I feel more free to do w/e and I start to think/behave more selfishly coz I'm only responsible for myself, this can spiral.

ENTJudgement said:

Lmao, when you said Moe, I immediately thought K-On, Yui x Ui

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Words are failing me phenomenally here. It's not unrelated but also not quite like that.
Could the ability to see neediness in an endearing light be the key distinction between secure and insecure attachment?

In my case I find it disarming, which does relate to the notion of "relief" @WickerDeer mentioned

WickerDeer said:

I do think that people who desire to feel dominant may find neediness endearing, because if you are providing for someone's needs, you must have some control over the situation.

Similar to providing food for a baby, though that is often a more feminine role in reality. But it's still the role of an authority figure.

In a relationship in which one partner is dominant, dominance is usually synonymous with authority?

Neediness also makes others feel needed--so if someone desires to feel needed, then the neediness may allow them to fill the role of provider, and they may feel a sense of relief in that role.

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For me it really isn't about authority.
For me authority = I will force or control u i.e I will bash your face in until you obey, or threaten you, blackmail, enforce some kind of dominance on u, thats authority to me lol theres no way I'm gonna have the patience and willingness to help u with your needs to be authoritative. Coz the way I view authority is, if I don't obey, police comes, kicks my door in, fks me up and puts me in prison.

Necrofantasia said:

Words are failing me phenomenally here. It's not unrelated but also not quite like that.
Could the ability to see neediness in an endearing light be the key distinction between secure and insecure attachment?

In my case I find it disarming, which does relate to the notion of "relief" @WickerDeer mentioned

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Yes, the dominant could be insecure about why his partner picked him to some degree so by fulfilling their needs, theres a layer of logical reason, I provided value and thus I'm worthy of your affection although key word again is reasonable levels of neediness, if its too blatant, obvious or it goes against your principles and clearly shows a lack of love but only seeing you for what you provided, it becomes a huge turn off. I.E gold digger seeing you as an ATM machine.

But in a different scenario i.e your g.f of 5 years is trying to get through college but she couldn't get a student loan, you helped pay for her tuition coz shes been studying hard and really wants to chase her dreams of becoming a <insertDreamHere>, she showed promise, is earnest, diligent and genuine and she ended up graduating and got that job she wanted, she was appreciative and grateful, this scenario would make me feel good.

My neediness was endearing to boyfriend number 1 because he had a hero complex and wanted me to need him. It wasn't endearing when I wanted to get better.

Neediness endearing to boyfriend number 2 because it was cute and I guess he'd never had someone want to be with him so much. Then I guess after the honeymoon period it was annoying and suffocating


Yeah it's endearing but after a while it's too much

ENTJudgement said:

For me it really isn't about authority.
For me authority = I will force or control u i.e I will bash your face in until you obey, or threaten you, blackmail, enforce some kind of dominance on u, thats authority to me lol theres no way I'm gonna have the patience and willingness to help u with your needs to be authoritative. Coz the way I view authority is, if I don't obey, police comes, kicks my door in, fks me up and puts me in prison.

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You must have had negative experience with authority figures because authority is a neutral term.

It means someone who is responsible for another, and has to make judgments on their behalf?

Like a child and a parent--that is a relationship of authority. OF course there is also unconditional love, so that you can't just "fire" the child, like you would a leader of a company. But you also shouldn't terrorize a child to get them to obey you.

But yeah, it seems weird to want to be in authority over your romantic partner--like of course you want to help them, so you want to feel NEEDED But you don't necessarily want to like, bash their head in and throw them in jail and all that. lol Unless they are a murderer or something.

WickerDeer said:

You must have had negative experience with authority figures because authority is a neutral term.

It means someone who is responsible for another, and has to make judgments on their behalf?

Like a child and a parent--that is a relationship of authority. OF course there is also unconditional love, so that you can't just "fire" the child, like you would a leader of a company. But you also shouldn't terrorize a child to get them to obey you.

But yeah, it seems weird to want to be in authority over your romantic partner--like of course you want to help them, so you want to feel NEEDED But you don't necessarily want to like, bash their head in and throw them in jail and all that. lol Unless they are a murderer or something.

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Well when you look at authority in a the grand scale, it's just law enforcement to some degree right? Congress cooks up some new law, obey or get rekt by the police, I didn't vote for that new law but I just gotta obey it. As a kid when I don't obey I just get beat until I did, at school when I don't do what some people wanted, we just fight until there was a winner and the loser has no choice, authority = power and power = u do what I say or <InsertConsequence>. Sure not all authority figures are forceful to this extreme but push comes to shove, the one with the power or authority can exercise that power on you and you can't do shit about it.