"Can we talk?"

1672 Views 18 Replies 17 Participants Last post by blamflam, Sep 27, 2010

Nimo01

Discussion Starter · Sep 25, 2010

how do you guys feel about this phrase? it makes me feel uncomfortable. i like to know or have an idea of what someone wants to talk about, but if someone just asks "can we talk?" i get uncomfortable. because then i feel like there's an agenda that i dont know about. and there's always an agenda when people want to meet up and "just talk." if they tell me they want to talk about this, that or some other issue, i will feel reassured. i might not want to talk about it, but i appreciate that they were straightforward like "i know this is something we dont usually talk about, but i was wondering if we could meet up to talk about ___ problems." OTOH, i really dont like it when someone says "let's meet up and talk!!!

" (making me think it's just a casual 'catch-up' chat, coffee time) only to go and find out there was something serious/confrontational. what do you guys think? i just prefer to have the emotional preparation.

Reactions: 2

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

Queen of Cups

· #2 · Sep 25, 2010

I automatically put the walls up whenever I hear this phrase.It literally makes my skin crawl. But, only because I use to date a guy whose idea of talking about our relationship was trying to force me to open up about topics that I was not comfortable talking about, and basically telling me what was wrong with me and why I needed to change.And he would always start these conversations with this phrase. He thought I was detached from my emotions and told me when I broke up with him that my inability to feel would eventually make me a hollow shell of a person. Let's just say that he couldn't read people as good as he thought he could, because he was reading me TOTALLY wrong.

Reactions: 1

ertertwert

· #3 · Sep 25, 2010

It sets me aback whenever I hear that phrase as well. It's like "Can I ask you a question?" "Oh, you mean a different one besides the one you just asked? Sure!"

Reactions: 1

Nimo01

Discussion Starter · #4 · Sep 25, 2010

haha yea. similar to that, i think it is because i had a "friend" before who would say "can we talk" and she would go off on all the things that bothered her about me or something i did. of course i wouldnt know about this, and when she said things like "can we talk =)" i thought it was cause she just wanted to chat with me or she had something she was stressed about that she wanted advice about. and then in order to justify what she felt about me/what i did, she would refer to all the people she already talked about this with, and then i just didnt want to talk to her during our conversation because i felt that everything i said was being reported to people i didnt know.

So now, this phrase automatically sets me back .

penchant

· #5 · Sep 25, 2010

The same here... It makes me seriously uncomfortable.

I think that other clear signals absent, it take it as there is something that I've done wrong. So if I don't already have a feeling about what the person really wants to talk about, I immediately start trying to figure out what it is that I've done wrong.

Oh, life would be so much easier if "Can we talk?" would simply mean just that...

Reactions: 1

Trigun64

· #6 · Sep 25, 2010

curious0610 said:
how do you guys feel about this phrase? it makes me feel uncomfortable. i like to know or have an idea of what someone wants to talk about, but if someone just asks "can we talk?" i get uncomfortable. because then i feel like there's an agenda that i dont know about. and there's always an agenda when people want to meet up and "just talk." if they tell me they want to talk about this, that or some other issue, i will feel reassured. i might not want to talk about it, but i appreciate that they were straightforward like "i know this is something we dont usually talk about, but i was wondering if we could meet up to talk about ___ problems." OTOH, i really dont like it when someone says "let's meet up and talk!!!" (making me think it's just a casual 'catch-up' chat, coffee time) only to go and find out there was something serious/confrontational. what do you guys think? i just prefer to have the emotional preparation.

Ah, this makes a lot of sense. I now understand why I would sometimes be off putting to INFJ's. They would tell me that if I needed to talk, to talk to them, and they like helping, but it seems every time I would say "would you like to talk?" their entire demeanor would change.

Generally, I do not go over what I am going to talk about as not to possibly embarrass the INFJ. Also, I would sometimes noticed an INFJ not doing so well, and I would ask them to talk. They would take this as me wanting something out of them, when I was really just trying to help.

This was very helpful, thank you! ^_^

MissNobody

· #7 · Sep 25, 2010

I think "Oh no what have I done wrong?" lol

Reactions: 4

Nimo01

Discussion Starter · #8 · Sep 25, 2010

umbrellasky said:
I think "Oh no what have I done wrong?" lol

LOL exactly.

Gaminegirlie

· #9 · Sep 25, 2010

Lol.

I get a bit offensive and i ask, ABOUT???

Susanna

· #10 · Sep 25, 2010

I would freak when my boss would say we need to talk. Then it would be on some project he wanted done in my area that he wanted done for some time. In other words it was good. I would usually take the project and run with it.

I have also experienced recently dating a guy who thought we needed to see a counselor after 2.5 months of dating. I told him there is no hope for this relationship if we need a counselor now and there isn't any hope for it either. The last time he said we can just talk he ended up storming out angry and upset. He had an agenda and lied about how he just wanted to talk.

Reactions: 1

yellowbritt

· #11 · Sep 25, 2010

I think that phrase makes everyone nervous - even types other than INFJ's. It's worrisome. People usually don't say, "Let's talk" unless it's important, and usually if it's a good thing then people will give you some idea about what they want to talk about. When I hear that phrase, I always assume it's something negative or threatening.

Jwing24

· #12 · Sep 25, 2010

The only time I have ever heard this phrase towards me in my entire life, was at work. No, it was not a good thing.

Therefore, I hate this phrase. Yes I am bias.

Hermes

· #13 · Sep 26, 2010

yellowbritt said:
I think that phrase makes everyone nervous - even types other than INFJ's. It's worrisome. People usually don't say, "Let's talk" unless it's important, and usually if it's a good thing then people will give you some idea about what they want to talk about. When I hear that phrase, I always assume it's something negative or threatening.

True, when I hear this phrase its because they want to talk about something bad to do with me or something I care about. If they just wanted to talk with me about something then they would have just struck up a conversation instead of asking if they can talk with you.

killerB

· #14 · Sep 26, 2010

"can we talk?", only 2nd by "I want to talk to you when you get time". It makes my skin crawl and I say "uh-oh". People who really know me automatically tell me "it's not bad" because they know that I assume it's not good if they say the above phrases.

amaurosis

· #15 · Sep 27, 2010

I think that phrase makes everyone nervous - even types other than INFJ's. It's worrisome.

yup, when someone asks me "can we talk?" I can't focus on anything else until "the talk" comes around. until then, my brain is in overdrive wondering what I could have done or what could be going on ><

actually, I used to have a very close INFJ friend who dropped this bomb on me. He wouldn't tell me anything apart from that I should "be ready" and it was a "heavy subject". guess what. he NEVER followed through on the conversation XP although something happened and we don't talk anymore, this still bothers me to no end.

Boroos

· #16 · Sep 27, 2010

I agree that the phrase, "Can we Talk?" can be taken many ways and to my way of think it is bad manners if someone can't say what they want to talk about. It shows a great lack of respect.

Zomboy

· #17 · Sep 27, 2010

Unless I know I'm about to be accosted for something I've done, I don't really have much reaction to this aside from curiosity.

And if I know I'm about to get chewed out for something, this little line gives me a good chance to start preemptively thinking up ways out of it.

Gracie

· #18 · Sep 27, 2010

I always assume I'm in trouble when I hear this phrase, so it makes me uncomfortable too.

blamflam

· #19 · Sep 27, 2010

Whenever I hear that phrase, a metaphorical sack of bricks land with a thud in my stomach. It's not usually anything too bad though so my reaction is always a little unjustified.

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