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I found myself wanting to know who the protagonist was. The only thing we know about her is "she". "She" needs to be grounded in a more concrete fashion.
The poem describes her personality and seems to be setting up a great contrast-- i.e. "she is not like others", "she doesn't fit here". But what is the contrast? Where is she? What are other people like that makes her so different?

I would suggest giving her some kind of setting. School, family, work, whatever. It just has to be hinted at. That would give the reader a sense of the contrast between her concrete identity and the more abstract identity which you have described. The poem needs that contrast to be shown, because you are clearly writing with a contrast in mind. (If there's no contrast, there's no basis for saying she's doesn't belong).
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I found myself wanting to know who the protagonist was. The only thing we know about her is "she". "She" needs to be grounded in a more concrete fashion.
The poem describes her personality and seems to be setting up a great contrast-- i.e. "she is not like others", "she doesn't fit here". But what is the contrast? Where is she? What are other people like that makes her so different?

I would suggest giving her some kind of setting. School, family, work, whatever. It just has to be hinted at. That would give the reader a sense of the contrast between her concrete identity and the more abstract identity which you have described. The poem needs that contrast to be shown, because you are clearly writing with a contrast in mind. (If there's no contrast, there's no basis for saying she's doesn't belong).
That’s an interesting remark. Well, my idea is that the antagonist doesn’t fit anywhere altogether. Like no matter where she is..

Can you give an example on what I could add to show the contrast?
 

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That’s an interesting remark. Well, my idea is that the antagonist doesn’t fit anywhere altogether. Like no matter where she is..

Can you give an example on what I could add to show the contrast?
I couldn't possibly give you an example... it's your poem. It's just that right now you're not really saying anything in particular. Saying someone doesn't belong isn't a powerful statement if you don't know where she doesn't belong, or why she's different. (After, "not belonging" is strongly relative to where you are-- it can't be a definitive statement about a person).

Setting up a direct contrast, though-- maybe between a real world setting and her more abstract sense of her identity-- is a satisfying story/ statement. This poem seems to be character-driven, so the character has to be interesting and has to hook the reader... your character can't just be the concept of "not belonging anywhere."

Perhaps if you wanted to write a poem just about the concept of not belonging, it would be more powerful in the first person? However, the above comments still apply... you still need a concrete setting.

A concrete setting combined with abstract ruminations is a good setting. The contrast makes it interesting. Maybe picture your character in a certain setting, spend a few sentences describing it, and then continue with the original idea, showing how being stuck in a certain concrete setting influences her to feel she doesn't belong and to seek some kind of mystical existence away from the real world.

The first line has promise-- your mention a scientific fact. So maybe a science class would be a good concrete setting? (assuming your character is on the young side?). Or maybe reading a scientific article in a magazine?
 

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Can I ask if there is a resolution to your poem? I understand that it is accounting one's sense of loneliness/not fitting in (unless I'm super wrong), but is anything new learned from the time your character spends 'contemplating her existence'?

I like the premise, and I like the delivery, but I'm curious to know whether there is a question being answered, or if your poem simply ponders your character's state of loneliness (which is just as valid - I don't mean 'simply' like you're being 'simple'). Since you've written it in third-person, it leaves things open to possibly resolving your character's pondering from a wider-perspective; often introspective writing such as yours begins on a smaller, personal scale, and then widens in a way that reveals a newly realised wisdom (eg. that one's loneliness is merely another state of being, not too dissimilar from any other state of being, and therefore has just as much value/significance).

I'm also curious as to whether your poem has a positive or negative air to it - I personally play with the theme of loneliness a lot (writing and songwriting), but it's rarely ever done so with a negative vibe, contrary to popular opinion, and I can't quite tell how your character feels about their own loneliness, and I'd like to know.

Nice work so far :)
 

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I like the concept. I don't know how to give feedback other than to simply show you how I would write it, which I have done as shown below. My biggest thing with poetry is for you to get lost in the flow of it. And so I have messed with your meter to help with the flow.

They say our bodies are 90% stardust
Which explains in part the feeling she had -
That she didn't fit in and belonged somewhere else - she was made for another planet

Though in her eyes there was starlight, she saw nothing but darkness.

I removed the line about the universe because it didn't fit in sequentially and was slightly confusing - it's not a concrete idea. Although I think poetry should make you think, it shouldn't make you puzzled. I didn't touch the rest because it felt so different from the beginning I didn't know how to adapt it. The beginning feels like you're telling me a story but the end feels like I'm reading some thoughts you jotted down.

Regardless, I like it. Nice opening.

I disagree with the other commenter that it needs a setting.
 
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