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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Why do men give ultimatums? I met this guy and he liked me and I liked him but after a while he said either be my girlfriend or be nothing. As if being my friend was not an option. I panicked when he gave me the ultimatum and told him I'm not interested in him as more than a friend even though I have feelings for him. He wouldnt be patient and wait for me to get to know him better and decide if I want to be his girlfriend.

Now he is giving me the cold shoulder and its killing me. I'm not used to being rejected and not used to someone not chasing after me. Thats not even the part that sucks because I realize I deserve it for rejecting him first. This guy is perfect and I screwed up because I never anticipated his reaction. Why do men give ultimatums?

I never get torned up about a guy but I feel a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

For the last 9 months he's been giving me short one answer replies to texts and I can tell he is still bitter against after all this time! It hurts because I am crazy about this guy... i only see him once or twice a year and I feel lile an idiot because one time he drove all the way to come see me and I basically didnt have much time for him and now I realize what I jerk I was. I screwed up majorly. At the time I didnt feel ready for a relationship because I was sorting things out.

Now I know what I want and I want him.

Is there any way I can get him to open up again, assuming he wants me in his life?

Any advice or insight please
 

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Don't think it's a man-related issue. I know men who can live their whole lives treading the grey lines. I'm one of those who give ultimatums. I want closure and I want it fast. When there's a conflict between where I stand and where I should be standing, I cannot think about anything other than that conflict. If that conflict is related to relationships, then all the more reason to end it quickly lest it interferes with other parts of my life.

For your case, though, do you want him or not? You say you're crazy about him and then you can't decide what you want with him. What are you, a fucking idiot?
 

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Why do men give ultimatums? I met this guy and he liked me and I liked him but after a while he said either be my girlfriend or be nothing. As if being my friend was not an option. I panicked when he gave me the ultimatum and told him I'm not interested in him as more than a friend even though I have feelings for him. He wouldnt be patient and wait for me to get to know him better and decide if I want to be his girlfriend.

Now he is giving me the cold shoulder and its killing me. I'm not used to being rejected and not used to someone not chasing after me. Thats not even the part that sucks because I realize I deserve it for rejecting him first. This guy is perfect and I screwed up because I never anticipated his reaction. Why do men give ultimatums?

I never get torned up about a guy but I feel a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

For the last 9 months he's been giving me short one answer replies to texts and I can tell he is still bitter against after all this time! It hurts because I am crazy about this guy... i only see him once or twice a year and I feel lile an idiot because one time he drove all the way to come see me and I basically didnt have much time for him and now I realize what I jerk I was. I screwed up majorly. At the time I didnt feel ready for a relationship because I was sorting things out.

Now I know what I want and I want him.

Is there any way I can get him to open up again, assuming he wants me in his life?

Any advice or insight please
So imagine you get hired for a job. Your boss tells you he isn't sure what position he wants you in, but just keep coming to work and he'll figure it out eventually. You play along, but your schedule is constantly getting changed. You're constantly being bounced from one position to another without even being given the chance to really learn or understand the responsibilities and expectations of each particular job. Your paycheck and work hours are all over the place, unpredictable, and your personal life suffers for it.
You finally give your boss an ultimatum. "Make up your fucking mind, or I walk."
He goes on the internet and sexistly asks, "why are women such shitty employees?"

And the fact you generalize it to men as a gender universal juxtaposed with
I'm not used to being rejected and not used to someone not chasing after me.
implies a pattern.
Maybe you should stop making assumptions about the effect and start analyzing the cause.
Or, as somebody who has suffered similar manipulation, mind games and inconsistency, my advice is that you spare future victims and get thee to a nunnery. :tongue:
 

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Why do men give ultimatums? I met this guy and he liked me and I liked him but after a while he said either be my girlfriend or be nothing. As if being my friend was not an option. I panicked when he gave me the ultimatum and told him I'm not interested in him as more than a friend even though I have feelings for him. He wouldnt be patient and wait for me to get to know him better and decide if I want to be his girlfriend.
1) I take it you suspect this guy is an ENTJ, or at least has Te very high in his function stacking?

2) How long was this phase, between when you met and when he finally said to either be his girlfriend or be nothing?

3) Were you two sexually active with one another, in the aforementioned phase?
 
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bwhahahahah i came from the ISFP forums. Was dating an ISFP a while back. Omg the snarkiness and bluntness of my fellow entjs make me piss myself laughing.
 

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Why do men give ultimatums? I met this guy and he liked me and I liked him but after a while he said either be my girlfriend or be nothing. As if being my friend was not an option. I panicked when he gave me the ultimatum and told him I'm not interested in him as more than a friend even though I have feelings for him. He wouldnt be patient and wait for me to get to know him better and decide if I want to be his girlfriend.

Now he is giving me the cold shoulder and its killing me. I'm not used to being rejected and not used to someone not chasing after me. Thats not even the part that sucks because I realize I deserve it for rejecting him first. This guy is perfect and I screwed up because I never anticipated his reaction. Why do men give ultimatums?

I never get torned up about a guy but I feel a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

For the last 9 months he's been giving me short one answer replies to texts and I can tell he is still bitter against after all this time! It hurts because I am crazy about this guy... i only see him once or twice a year and I feel lile an idiot because one time he drove all the way to come see me and I basically didnt have much time for him and now I realize what I jerk I was. I screwed up majorly. At the time I didnt feel ready for a relationship because I was sorting things out.

Now I know what I want and I want him.

Is there any way I can get him to open up again, assuming he wants me in his life?

Any advice or insight please
Yeah, you screwed up. The best you can do is tell him that and hope he feels the same, but if I were in his shoes, I would have blocked you long ago.

It is not that he "gave an ultimatum" that was the problem. It was your response to it. You said you didn't want anything more from him. Since he wanted more, he probably assumed that staying friends with you would hurt him, and decided to get some distance. If you had said what you have said here - that you needed time to figure out if you wanted a relationship - things would have gone much differently. He is perfectly within his rights to want to know where his relationship with you stands, and to desire not to waste years of his life pining after someone who will never want him.
 

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Why do men give ultimatums? I met this guy and he liked me and I liked him but after a while he said either be my girlfriend or be nothing. As if being my friend was not an option. I panicked when he gave me the ultimatum and told him I'm not interested in him as more than a friend even though I have feelings for him. He wouldnt be patient and wait for me to get to know him better and decide if I want to be his girlfriend.

Now he is giving me the cold shoulder and its killing me. I'm not used to being rejected and not used to someone not chasing after me. Thats not even the part that sucks because I realize I deserve it for rejecting him first. This guy is perfect and I screwed up because I never anticipated his reaction. Why do men give ultimatums?

I never get torned up about a guy but I feel a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

For the last 9 months he's been giving me short one answer replies to texts and I can tell he is still bitter against after all this time! It hurts because I am crazy about this guy... i only see him once or twice a year and I feel lile an idiot because one time he drove all the way to come see me and I basically didnt have much time for him and now I realize what I jerk I was. I screwed up majorly. At the time I didnt feel ready for a relationship because I was sorting things out.

Now I know what I want and I want him.

Is there any way I can get him to open up again, assuming he wants me in his life?

Any advice or insight please
Anyone who gives that kind of ultimatum is very very far from perfect; you dodged a major bullet IMO. Be grateful for that and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
 
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Anyone who gives that kind of ultimatum is very very far from perfect; you dodged a major bullet IMO. Be grateful for that and find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.
I am wondering if this response is some kind of Ti + Fe thing (in whichever order), as that was my resident INTPs response, as well. Personally, I can think of situations in which an ultimatum would indeed be quite justified, hence my asking for clarification.
 

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I am wondering if this response is some kind of Ti + Fe thing (in whichever order), as that was my resident INTPs response, as well. Personally, I can think of situations in which an ultimatum would indeed be quite justified, hence my asking for clarification.
Well, ultimatums rarely sit well with me; they almost always strike me as some sort of bullying/control freak type of tactic. It would be far effective and persuasive for him to have said to you: "Look, I'm really interested in being your boyfriend; if you don't feel the same way; then please let me know and I'll move on." I personally would respond much better to this because, it sounds so much more respectful and less of a insecure bitch power move.

As far as how MBTI figures into it :unsure:; well I am Ni-Fe-Ti-Se; so I just know; that it won't wind up working either way because I would always resent anyone who tried to manipulate me that way. If I feel manipulated; I just emotionally shut down and act aloof to the person who utilized such techniques on me.

If I honestly believe that someone sincerely has my best interests at heart; I'd pretty much be open to almost anything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Don't think it's a man-related issue. I know men who can live their whole lives treading the grey lines. I'm one of those who give ultimatums. I want closure and I want it fast. When there's a conflict between where I stand and where I should be standing, I cannot think about anything other than that conflict. If that conflict is related to relationships, then all the more reason to end it quickly lest it interferes with other parts of my life.

For your case, though, do you want him or not? You say you're crazy about him and then you can't decide what you want with him. What are you, a fucking idiot?
No i said I know what I want, and I want him! And yes I am an idiot. I am crazy about this guys because he is amazing.

Lastnight after I posted this thread I texted him and basicly told him exactly what I told you guys.

I told him I deserved being treated coldly and I let him know that I want to make it up to him. I told him he can ignore me all he wants but thats not going to phase me cause if he gives me a chance I know he will change his mind. Even if he doesnt give me a chance lol.

I put myself out there which I would never normally do but I'm glad I did because he actually just texted me asking me what changed and why I know I want to be with him now.

WISH ME LUCK.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
1) I take it you suspect this guy is an ENTJ, or at least has Te very high in his function stacking?

2) How long was this phase, between when you met and when he finally said to either be his girlfriend or be nothing?

3) Were you two sexually active with one another, in the aforementioned phase?
1. Thats correct

2. A long time, about 3 or 4 months.

3. No we are both Christians and want to try to wait. He is always respectful and all we've done is hold hands. I grabbed his hand..it was almost involentary...completely from my heart. I just felt like I wanted to hold his hand and so I did. I still think about that moment because it was so genuine. I have never felt that way about someone.
 

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Well forgive yourself and I think you're going about it the right way. Good luck.
 
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Update:

He decided to let me back into his life.
Congratulations!
If you start overthinking things in the future, just remember what it was like the last time, and quell those concerns. You got what you wanted, so see it through.
Best of luck to both of you.
 

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He must really want to bone you (in a godly sort of way of course) to go back on his ultimatum. You need to play your cards right if he is an entj. Ie if you lead him on and then refriendzone him, that broken heart will become a burnt out lump of coal. The aftermath of this game will be a dramatic, emotional nightmare from which you will never wake.
 

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that broken heart will become a burnt out lump of coal. The aftermath of this game will be a dramatic, emotional nightmare from which you will never wake.



I feel like you're trying to get a "rise" out of me.
Do you have a "bone" to pick?
Don't tug on it if you aren't ready to take it. ;)


 

That was the single most passive affectionate confession of regret and sustained emotional investment I have ever heard in my life. :tongue:
And expressed publicly, it's the ENTJ equivalent of singing a love song on the table.
 

Still waiting for the forum producer to install a laugh track for us
 
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