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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!
I am fairly new to this website....and I've had an issue sense damn near birth, and I'm realizing that I don't really know what to do!! I am a person that easily detaches.....and i believe this to be because of the way I was raised. My mother: she is an emotionally bruised woman, who was sexually abused as a child(by family). My father: a hardcore ex marine....that I swear that I never saw cry a day in my life....he is emotionless. Now what's happening to me:
I'm a 32 year old male, who now finds that I'm really lacking in the emotional department. I realize that I have developed into being extremely task oriented! I've traveled the world, built a good career, built up a pretty decent net worth for myself, transformed my body into being super lean(through extreme carbohydrate restriction), and I've even taken on Invisilign recently(only because I needed a long term task to focus on!). What I'm not good at.....relationships, especially with women. I seem to be a pretty attractive male, as its very easy for me to get their attention with my charm, my wit, my toys(which includes a a Bentley GT!), my body, etc. Problem is, I keep attracting the SAME woman.....the soft spoken lady, that seems to have deep routed emotional issues....just like my mother. I need a woman who will nurture my emotions and feelings....because I feel this is the only thing I can't seem to get!! I like texting all day, and a woman telling me she loves me, and she needs me, and she'd go crazy without me.....this makes me feel loved. Though I get that from them at first, it always ends up turning into yet another woman, who has the "detached" emotional side also......where at the end of the day, the woman resorts to just hiding in their emotional closet. I know that this is exactly what I do as well, but I'm very communicative, very expressive, and very sensitive. I want love, but I'm afraid that I may not even have the emotional makeup, to find a sustainable love that I'm so desperately longing for. What should I do???


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TimmyB20[/QUOTE]




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TimmyB20
 

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@TimmyB20
The question is: Why do they hide in their emotional closet? If it has been more than one woman, maybe you should look at something that you're doing that causes them to hide in that closet. Maybe you are attracting that kind of women. In that case, change the area you search and explore a different way of finding ladies.

How many relationships have you had?
 

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I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!
I am fairly new to this website....and I've had an issue sense damn near birth, and I'm realizing that I don't really know what to do!! I am a person that easily detaches.....and i believe this to be because of the way I was raised. My mother: she is an emotionally bruised woman, who was sexually abused as a child(by family). My father: a hardcore ex marine....that I swear that I never saw cry a day in my life....he is emotionless. Now what's happening to me:
I'm a 32 year old male, who now finds that I'm really lacking in the emotional department. I realize that I have developed into being extremely task oriented! I've traveled the world, built a good career, built up a pretty decent net worth for myself, transformed my body into being super lean(through extreme carbohydrate restriction), and I've even taken on Invisilign recently(only because I needed a long term task to focus on!). What I'm not good at.....relationships, especially with women. I seem to be a pretty attractive male, as its very easy for me to get their attention with my charm, my wit, my toys(which includes a a Bentley GT!), my body, etc. Problem is, I keep attracting the SAME woman.....the soft spoken lady, that seems to have deep routed emotional issues....just like my mother. I need a woman who will nurture my emotions and feelings....because I feel this is the only thing I can't seem to get!! I like texting all day, and a woman telling me she loves me, and she needs me, and she'd go crazy without me.....this makes me feel loved. Though I get that from them at first, it always ends up turning into yet another woman, who has the "detached" emotional side also......where at the end of the day, the woman resorts to just hiding in their emotional closet. I know that this is exactly what I do as well, but I'm very communicative, very expressive, and very sensitive. I want love, but I'm afraid that I may not even have the emotional makeup, to find a sustainable love that I'm so desperately longing for. What should I do???


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TimmyB20



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TimmyB20[/QUOTE]

Welcome to the forum, it's nice to see how you look inside, see the challenges and try to seek help. My two cents are: seek a therapist. Try and you will see more options. Your situation sounds very, very familiar, I can relate to it and specially know a few great persons who fit this scenario, the problem is you also need to change (signals, way of life a bit) and the other people will also pick up the message. As for the same women over and over... it depends on where you live, usually relationship needs (emotional) use to turn around them, not yours and this is another challenge but you can find well balanced beings.

I understand you want to feel appreciated and loved AS A PERSON, as a human being not as a human-doing, it's understandable. Then again, you can read, seek books, a lot of things actually but a therapist can help you better, it's a good time investment. Good luck, there is a lot of things coming, take your time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
2 sense high school....and I've recently met another girl, that seems to be exactly the same way. I think I fall in love with the soft spoken ones, that initially give u their everything.....almost like an initial "infatuation" stage. But what I believe ends up happening, is only someone who has deep emotional issues, would ever even allow themselves to become infatuated with anyone. Is funny, because I have one child, a little girl......and I've trained her to be the most independent 3 year old in the world! Lol! I shower her with love and attention....24/7.....because I understood the importance of her getting that from her first male figure. I've tried to raise her to be a child,...not just a girl. I've keep everything completely gender neutral, and I can see how different of a little girl she is from the others in her Montessori. I guess I'm a huge hypocrite, because the way that I've put so much into raising my daughter, is the exact opposite of what I look for in a girlfriend......and for my own selfish reasons...


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I don't get why you want somebody that tries to be so nurturing and catering.

I am not like that so its easy for me to say and wonder and not get.

But what I mean is that you seem intelligent, you do realize that the woman that would be doing all the non stop hovering and catering to you like you desire would clearly have issues as much as anyone else. I say that because anyone who is gratifying their ego by simply catering to your emotional needs to the degree you speak of has some self worth issues, just as the other people you listed have issues.

I always perceive people that emotionally cater to others too much just as unhealthy as people that are not vulnerable enough.

Most of the stage 5 clingers I have encountered had major issues. Starting with they all particularly seemed extremely emotionally stunted in emotional intelligence and maturity

I don't get it, I just don't get it. You seem so competent and like that's what you want for your daughter, I don't get why the heck you want a trophy wife. To each their own tho.

IXFJ? Can be what you seem to desire that could go healthy or nutty seen some really wise gentle IXFJs around as well as some appearingly very toxic attitudes (thinking fatale attraction here-careful what you wish for). But yeah the healthy ones seem to be your best bet for what you need. The unhealthy ones sound like they could end up being anyones worst nightmare.

I guess I kind of hopefully get what your saying which is that I can be more tactical myself and I think sometimes I desire a ying to my yang, at least I like to think that your desiring the ying to your yang in a healthy way over just a trophy wife that only makes it their life to cater to you.

Also might I add the more it may come off that your looking for nurturing and to be loved, rather then the right person the more that may have to do with it. When I date and people talk about how hard they look for someone to fulfill them what it always says to me is they are looking for someone to fill a space. I personally consider true love as something that is not based around seeking fulfillment and catering to holes in life, but in two people that love each other. Not people that are looking for someone anyone to love them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I don't get why you want somebody that tries to be so nurturing and catering.

I am not like that so its easy for me to say and wonder and not get.

But what I mean is that you seem intelligent, you do realize that the woman that would be doing all the non stop hovering and catering to you like you desire would clearly have issues as much as anyone else. I say that because anyone who is gratifying their ego by simply catering to your emotional needs to the degree you speak of has some self worth issues, just as the other people you listed have issues.

I always perceive people that emotionally cater to others too much just as unhealthy as people that are not vulnerable enough.

Most of the stage 5 clingers I have encountered had major issues. Starting with they all particularly seemed extremely emotionally stunted in emotional intelligence and maturity

I don't get it, I just don't get it. You seem so competent and like that's what you want for your daughter, I don't get why the heck you want a trophy wife. To each their own tho.

IXFJ? Can be what you seem to desire that could go healthy or nutty seen some really wise gentle IXFJs around as well as some appearingly very toxic attitudes (thinking fatale attraction here-careful what you wish for). But yeah the healthy ones seem to be your best bet for what you need. The unhealthy ones sound like they could end up being anyones worst nightmare.

I guess I kind of hopefully get what your saying which is that I can be more tactical myself and I think sometimes I desire a ying to my yang, at least I like to think that your desiring the ying to your yang in a healthy way over just a trophy wife that only makes it their life to cater to you.

Also might I add the more it may come off that your looking for nurturing and to be loved, rather then the right person the more that may have to do with it. When I date and people talk about how hard they look for someone to fulfill them what it always says to me is they are looking for someone to fill a space. I personally consider true love as something that is not based around seeking fulfillment and catering to holes in life, but in two people that love each other. Not people that are looking for someone anyone to love them.
Very astute assessment....ur absolutely right. The sad part about it all, is that I'm fairly conscious of all this. I studied psychology in undergrad, and it's very much still the way I think. I'm very analytical with my thoughts. Emotions are just an animal all in its own!! It seems we all have some deep routed emotional issues that tend to stem from our childhoods......which makes the job of parenting SO very important, a job I couldn't take more seriously. My job is to get her to adulthood, with as few insecurities as possible!


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TimmyB20
 

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My two cents are: seek a therapist. Try and you will see more options. Your situation sounds very, very familiar, I can relate to it and specially know a few great persons who fit this scenario, the problem is you also need to change (signals, way of life a bit) and the other people will also pick up the message. As for the same women over and over... it depends on where you live, usually relationship needs (emotional) use to turn around them, not yours and this is another challenge but you can find well balanced beings.

I understand you want to feel appreciated and loved AS A PERSON, as a human being not as a human-doing, it's understandable. Then again, you can read, seek books, a lot of things actually but a therapist can help you better, it's a good time investment. Good luck, there is a lot of things coming, take your time.
^Well said.

A therapist will help you put things in perspective and may be able to help you come out of your emotional shell as well. Don't feel you need to find a girl who is nurturing before you come out of your shell - you'll just find yourself looking for somebody to save you, instead of a life partner.

I'm younger than you, but it's kind of scary how similar your situation sounds. I've been to therapy and it helped me quite a bit. I'm still working on coming out of the shell, but I'm in a better place than I was. I used to think that I needed to find a girlfriend who would be loving and nurturing. But I think that's just because I never quite felt I had a nurturing connection with my mother.

And though I still think that type of love would be nice, I feel more grounded about the reality of the situation; even the most nurturing, loving person you could find is still going to have faults that may bother you. No connection will be perfect. So don't look for the perfect connection to heal you - instead, I recommend healing in whatever ways you can and let relationships be an ancillary goal. The nice thing about a therapist is that you can be whatever you want without judgment in that room (you sometimes have to do some searching to find a good therapist for your situation though - keep that in mind and don't be afraid to go to somebody else if your therapist is just bringing you down).
 

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Just because someone doesn't text you all day doesn't mean they are emotionally wounded. It means they may find you clingy. I'm not sure how that's nurturing. I would probably find you needy unless it was a long term long distance relationship, because texting all day is pretty much the only way to have a ldr (or being on some kind of chat feature). It's funny too because I'm an emotionally passionate, expressive woman who will tell someone I can't live without them...if they pull away too much.

Um I'm not trying to be rude, but even a more nurturing or even unstable woman may not respond to your own clinging the way you want. ..because you're too clingy. If you want some one with attachment issues to freak out and hold on to your nuts for dear life, I suggest you learn the idea of push pull. A lot of more stable or independent women won't tolerate you either way.

You're going to find a very specific person. I would not even call what you want nurturing, but more like obsession, codependent or maybe just more passion?

I have an on off relationship with a person who mainly likes soft spoken or shy women, he initially liked my glasses and the fact that I seemed nice and quiet, I think he was really surprised by how intense and opinionated I can be. I think he and I are similar in a lot of ways, because he's intense but afraid of being trapped or controlled, and also had problems being attracted to quieter or more submissive women who couldn't match his level of passion or give him the level of emotion and drama he needs to feel wanted. But he doesn't like excessive attention, nor do I. People like us are more likely to become dramatically passionate if the other person pulls away or gives us space.

Honestly I think the reason you keep being attracted to these soft spoken women who get overwhelmed by your attention is because they're pretty internally placid and won't react passionately ever, the way you want, and especially since you're probably so attentive they don't get a chance to miss you. People usually go crazy when they miss you.
 

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You know what, I just re-read your post. I also think it's possible people are just giving up on you. You're doing something, I don't know what it is, I don't know if you are a lot more attentive than you let on, or a lot more distant (as in they either get sick of you texting them all day, or you are actually pulling away so severely so often they just stop feeling anything for you to protect themselves, which might actually be healthy depending on what precisely you're doing).

It sounds like you actually want someone with a personality disorder who will be obsessed with you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You know what, I just re-read your post. I also think it's possible people are just giving up on you. You're doing something, I don't know what it is, I don't know if you are a lot more attentive than you let on, or a lot more distant (as in they either get sick of you texting them all day, or you are actually pulling away so severely so often they just stop feeling anything for you to protect themselves, which might actually be healthy depending on what precisely you're doing).

It sounds like you actually want someone with a personality disorder who will be obsessed with you.
Wow, that's harsh! I do have an obsessive personally, but I'm too prideful to ever allow myself to obsess over anyone! I'm a VERY perceptive person, and it's the attention from them that I get off on.....that doesn't necessarily imply that I give them the same, because I probably don't.


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Wow, that's harsh! I do have an obsessive personally, but I'm too prideful to ever allow myself to obsess over anyone! I'm a VERY perceptive person, and it's the attention from them that I get off on.....that doesn't necessarily imply that I give them the same, because I probably don't.


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TimmyB20
Great so apparently you don't understand how your OP comes across and what it further sounds like now that you admit you want someone to obsess over you without giving the same in return, if you think I am being harsh. You must be familiar with the Cluster B relational disorders and other issues related to attachment if you studied psych as an undergrad, unless you didn't delve too much into abnormal psych. What you appear to be describing is either being love bombed and emotionally controlled by a narcissist, or have a borderline form such an attachment to you that they persistently believe they would die without you. You're going to have a very hard time finding anyone considers that "nurturing"... it sounds like you want a hot psycho gf to flip out when you pridefully detach, or whatever you are doing. There are plenty of Cluster Bs put there so you could surely find the drama you seek in romantic relationships, but I think it's probably wrong of you to assume that a woman is emotionally wounded because she won't freak out every time you pull away, it's more likely the opposite. I am not saying I'm better than you, but you need to understand what you are describing won't be tolerated by many people, nor will it be described as "nurturing. "
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I took everyone's advice, I'm dropping the cute Asian girl I just met at the gym......who told me she's getting a boob job in November!!! I'm so missing out on one of my fantasies! Lol!!!! I met her, and she spent the first 3 days texting me non stop. After that, the REAL her kicked in......she's relatively distant, and shuts down whenever she doesnt feel great. I'm pretty perceptive, so I did notice that while seeing her at the gym(that's where I met her). She's just one of those types that just appears to be in her own world, and shows 0 interest with communicating with human life! But she spoke to me....with my body, and my pretty face, what's new? Lol!! But seriously, I guess I "fall in love" with the adulation and praise that I receive from most people, specifically a cute little lady. But u guys r correct, not a wise decision..


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I took everyone's advice, I'm dropping the cute Asian girl I just met at the gym......who told me she's getting a boob job in November!!! I'm so missing out on one of my fantasies! Lol!!!! I met her, and she spent the first 3 days texting me non stop. After that, the REAL her kicked in......she's relatively distant, and shuts down whenever she doesnt feel great. I'm pretty perceptive, so I did notice that while seeing her at the gym(that's where I met her). She's just one of those types that just appears to be in her own world, and shows 0 interest with communicating with human life! But she spoke to me....with my body, and my pretty face, what's new? Lol!! But seriously, I guess I "fall in love" with the adulation and praise that I receive from most people, specifically a cute little lady. But u guys r correct, not a wise decision..


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TimmyB20
You didn't fall in love with someone who you knew for three days. Most people do want space when they don't feel great. Most people want space.
 

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Dude, I think it's time to seriously overthink some stuff in your life man. After 3 days of texting she has the right to not text you back immediately. After 3 days you don't know the real her man. You need some help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
U people r nuts! I have several women......I just wanted some insight on the way some people think. I don't NEED her by any stretch of the imagination. I just know myself.....I'm a very much a "means to an end" kind of thinker......meaning I will manipulate a situation/person in order to get what I want out of them. Women normally obsess over me, because I tell them everything they want to hear.....and I'm articulate/expressive enough to pull it off! I love a challenge.....people just tend to be the hardest one! Driving expensive cars, building a solid net worth, attaining dream career, building my perfect body......all that was easy. I can do all that without having to deal with another human's "emotions". Getting exactly what u want from a girl, a bit more difficult, I admit. The problem is, I'm relatively fearless, and I don't give up easy! Lol! I don't care about putting myself out there.....so my obsessive, "kobe Bryant" - like personality just tells me....."keep trying to get her open; uve almost cracked her; u can get everything u want from her". I know this is bad, but it's the truth.


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I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!
I am fairly new to this website....and I've had an issue sense damn near birth, and I'm realizing that I don't really know what to do!! I am a person that easily detaches.....and i believe this to be because of the way I was raised. My mother: she is an emotionally bruised woman, who was sexually abused as a child(by family). My father: a hardcore ex marine....that I swear that I never saw cry a day in my life....he is emotionless. Now what's happening to me:
I'm a 32 year old male, who now finds that I'm really lacking in the emotional department. I realize that I have developed into being extremely task oriented! I've traveled the world, built a good career, built up a pretty decent net worth for myself, transformed my body into being super lean(through extreme carbohydrate restriction), and I've even taken on Invisilign recently(only because I needed a long term task to focus on!). What I'm not good at.....relationships, especially with women. I seem to be a pretty attractive male, as its very easy for me to get their attention with my charm, my wit, my toys(which includes a a Bentley GT!), my body, etc. Problem is, I keep attracting the SAME woman.....the soft spoken lady, that seems to have deep routed emotional issues....just like my mother. I need a woman who will nurture my emotions and feelings....because I feel this is the only thing I can't seem to get!! I like texting all day, and a woman telling me she loves me, and she needs me, and she'd go crazy without me.....this makes me feel loved. Though I get that from them at first, it always ends up turning into yet another woman, who has the "detached" emotional side also......where at the end of the day, the woman resorts to just hiding in their emotional closet. I know that this is exactly what I do as well, but I'm very communicative, very expressive, and very sensitive. I want love, but I'm afraid that I may not even have the emotional makeup, to find a sustainable love that I'm so desperately longing for. What should I do???


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TimmyB20



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TimmyB20[/QUOTE]

I can sympatize , i had also not such a fun childhood and have always bin misunderstood and mistreathed by sociaty .
Wich does on some way make me a bit of a lone wild stray wolf .
Even so i dont really have a problem hitting on girls and i do have alot of fun .
Unfortunitly due to my past issues i have bin going trough my whole life even today , its hard for me to conect mental and/or emotionaly to annyone . Wich results in allot of fun troughout manny 1 night adventures , but not a reall love relation whit someone .
 
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