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This applies to girls thinking about guys too.

So, the last year or so (since breaking up from a long-term relationship) I've been in three short relationships, on at least 20 dates and several hook-ups. I can't stop thinking about the 'next' thing. And I don't even know what I'm looking for. It's making me anxious and depressed. I realise it's unhealthy.

On the one hand I want security. I want to love and be loved and to spend time getting to know someone on a deeper level. Then on the other hand I want excitement - promiscuous excitement. I love discovering new people, what turns them on, and what they can teach me. And I get satisfaction from making them feel good - come on, it's the INFJ's gift :p And on the other hand (Heh, I have three hands. Who knew?), I could really do with focusing on a business I'm trying to get off the ground right now, so girls in any form aren't helping...

It's a dilemma, and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this. It's like a battle between my Fi and Se (did I get that right?) As in, superficial me wants to screw around while deep me wants that stability.

Help!?
 

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Holy hell are you and I pretty much right at the same place.

Its a dissonant mental battle: are the best times of your life spontaneous, ephemeral, promiscuous, late-night hook-ups? Or are they knowing that the best times have always been waking up next to someone that loves and knows you well?

We both know the answer, I would assume. It is hard and easy to know, all at once, but it is there.

S'all about happiness!

I've had to do a little neuro-conditioning lately. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, whoever they are. 21 days, and that neuroplastic highway can create a new pathway for you.

Write down 3 things you are grateful for each day. By doing this, you condition yourself to scan the world to look for the positives. You totally do know what you are looking for, else all of this wouldn't be a problem, and you wouldn't have made this post.

Try to journal and write down your emotions, so you can relive the good of the past 24 hours.

Exercise because behavior totally matters. All the colors blend...mental muscles ya feel?

Meditate because it will help you get over all of this cultural ADHD. You have this cognitive dissonance perhaps because we are conditioned to do so much, all at once.

Random acts of kindness. I do this with tip money usually. Pay for someone's toll after you, or put five bucks down for the next person behind you in a line. You won't believe how many ridiculous thank you's you will get, how many people you will meet.

...

Anyways, this helped me with my raging addiction to spontaneity and helped me get out of a lascivious mire. Maybe all the positive psychology will help you too...wish you the best!
 

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Sounds like you're using it as a distraction.

Distraction doesn't make the core issues go away. If anything, it leads to unhealthy emotional cycles and denial.

Sex should be enjoyed, like a fine glass of wine or a beer after a long day.

When you can't stop thinking about beer and when you're going to get inebriated again, you have a problem (probably an emotional or physiological dependency). The same is true for the endorphins you get from sexuality. Good when enjoyed in moderation, bad when required for emotional well-being.

My advice? Slow down. Spend a week or two relaxing, and thinking about your life and your feelings to see if there aren't any emotional currents you can discern and come to terms with.

edit- Or, on the complete flipside, maybe you're just young and horny as shit, in which case proceed.
 

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Sound advice, if the advice was objective norm. I have an older student that loves to live vicariously through my youth. As he sees it, I should just have sex sex sex, and rationalize it any way that I want. Like saying women my age don't want a relation.

I remember I had to have a favorite color when I was in kindergarten, because everyone had a favorite color. But why? Does anyone need a favorite anything because someone else says you need a favorite? Operant conditioning is a bitch. There are objective truths: I am typing on a computer. You also type on a computer and we can totally document that. But at some point you gotta ask yourself what you want, and ask yourself why. That subjective truth is your merit, because you might not want the norm, and the norm might not even exist.
 

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On the one hand I want security. I want to love and be loved and to spend time getting to know someone on a deeper level. Then on the other hand I want excitement - promiscuous excitement. I love discovering new people, what turns them on, and what they can teach me. And I get satisfaction from making them feel good - come on, it's the INFJ's gift :p And on the other hand (Heh, I have three hands. Who knew?), I could really do with focusing on a business I'm trying to get off the ground right now, so girls in any form aren't helping...
The first couple of hands could be paraphrased this way:

You have a need for certainty. That you know this person you love and loves you, though are there other aspects to this you could see in having a monogamous relationship?

You have a need for uncertainty sometimes called variety. That you'd date different people which may make more sense given that I'm not sure you really understand what are the top criteria you'd want in that long-term relationship where you'd have some certainty though toys can bring in some uncertainty since some can be quite funky at times.

As for the business, how well do you have a plan you are following and how much is just hustling and flying by the seat of your pants? Consider the question of how well could these new relationships be useful to some degree in building the business if you are trying to spread the word or something else within that business.

Consider what priorities do you have in your life, how do you want to get these basic needs met and is this healthy for you to do what you are doing.
 

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I say focus on the business for now and give the relationships a rest and in the mean time maybe you will gain a better perspective about what you truly want/need and what is truly best for you. It's hard to know if you never stop to take a breather.
 

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If you have a happiness that leaves you anxious and depressed afterwards, it probably isn't the kind of happiness you want. I think, based on personal experience, stability and substance is a happiness that not only last much longer, but feels more as opposed to the hollow one-night stands.
 

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I'm in a slightly different position. I dated one person for a week four years ago when I was unhealthily wanting a relationship and another for 4 months last year that seemed secure and like it could have gone on a deeper level, then she essentially left me for her best friend who professed his love to her a month before it ended. She told me not to worry about it, then all of a sudden a month after she said she wanted a short break to "take care of stuff for college and her job" she wound up with him and hurt me when a list of shitty things were happening to me. Now I'm at the point where I could give less of a shit about relationships (unless I'm sleep talking according to my friend who is staying with me). If I find somebody, great! If not, I won't go actively seeking anyone. Now my friends are concerned because before this one person I really wanted one, now I couldn't give any fucks (my fuck producing factory has been running dry lately because my retail job has been talking all the fucks I'm giving out). They're pushing me to go to dances and spend time with people and all that sort just to find somebody, but I would rather be patient and wait for the right person who I know won't suddenly go from "You're such a wonderful person things seem too good to be true" to "You're ridiculous and I can't tolerate it".

Sometimes all it takes is for everything that can possibly go wrong to go wrong in about a month of time to change your attitude. Just don't do what I did and wind up smoking because you have to take care of most of those things yourself while somebody tries to make you feel like shit about who you are.
 

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We chatted a bit about this on another thread. I find taking dating breaks help me.

Take 21 days. Or a month. Focus on yourself 100%. Gym, work, whatever you've been doing. A hobby you've let slide. This may help you clear head space and be less distractable.

I'm totally in the same spot right now - as a woman. WAY too many dates, and I want to get my life back. I haven't been to the gym in a week because I went on 9 dates last week. I'm exhausted. And I love working out and doing my own thing, so I need to make some time for me.

Also having a classic head/heart conflict where I'm dating someone who is amazing, and sexy, and totally honest and mature and successful, who is obviously a great choice for a LTR. Feel like this is the guy I "should" be dating seriously. But I'm head over heels for a man 8 years my junior and we have so much fun together - I feel like I can be totally myself. I haven't felt this way about anyone since when i met the last guy I had a very LTR with. Scary feeling. I'm completely confused. My therapist says that sometimes you should follow your heart and what makes you happy.

Maybe tell all the girls in your life you need three weeks or a month to focus on work. See nobody. If you meet girls, tell them you're not seeing anyone. You could always give them your card and tell them to call you in a month if they would still like to. (I did that once and heard from this guy one month to the day later).

I bet that one of two things will happen: (a) you'll miss one of the girls more than the others and will want to see her; or (b) you won't miss anyone and then you know that you probably shouldn't be in a LTR with any of them.
 
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