[Blackbird]

So I was reading the post about not compromising your ideals if you know you need to be in love/really care about someone to have sex with them, and I thought this deserved its own post. I do not enjoy casual sex in the way some people do, and if you asked me, I would tell you I don't think someone deserves to experience that part of me unless they earn it (through trust, mutual respect, commitment, etc - a loving relationship, basically).

That said, I get lonely and horny, and sometimes I want the validation that I can "get some," like the stereotypical jock at the bar. So I've had friends-with-benefits situations (with people who later turned into platonic friends), and I've never had a true one-night stand, but recently I've been considering it. I got my heart broken, and I have had this overwhelming urge to sleep with someone else so he won't be the last person I slept with.

I think it's nice that some people are willing to be abstinent for their ideals, but personally... I'm not. I would love to be in a situation where I DO have that loving, respectful relationship and can feel good about it, but until I do, I'm not going to wait around and not have sex. I will pick mediocre sex (that I occasionally regret) over no sex at all.

Does anyone else feel this way/do this too?

 

[cynthiareza]

I have def felt that way. Of course we want that loving relationship, but in the mean time you gotta do what you gotta do to get by. And I think if your safe, its ok. And yeah there may be times we regret it. But I am with you when you say you would rather deal with the negatives than have no sex at all.

 

[Nomen Nescio]

I had the impression that you "sex is meaningful" folks generally had less sex because you guys held the experience on a higher pedestal. Wouldn't having sex for the sake of sex cheapen the experience for you guys? Wouldn't having sex for the sake of sex cheapen the experience for that partner who does care for you?

 

[Blackbird]

Wouldn't having sex for the sake of sex cheapen the experience for you guys? Wouldn't having sex for the sake of sex cheapen the experience for that partner who does care for you?

I feel like the experience already has been cheapened. Maybe it's a defense mechanism for me in this situation - I had sex because I cared about someone, it didn't mean much to him, now I want to "fix" that by acting like he was just another notch in my bedpost, too.

But also, I just feel like having casual sex and meaningful sex are separate things? Like "having sex" and "making love." I would love to make love with someone, but it's not even the same thing to me as just having sex, so I don't see myself making love to someone and thinking, "This is okay I guess, but I've done it so many times before." I won't have done it so many times before. I've only "made love" with maybe two or three people. What about masturbating? I mean, it's not meaningful, it's sex for the sake of sex. Casual sex seems like masturbation to me, just... with a person.

As far as me having sex for the sake of sex cheapening it for whoever I do end up in a meaningful relationship with... yikes, I hope not. I would feel... really judged. And I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who felt that making love to me was tarnished by the people I'd been with before, or who felt that I was "damaged goods." That would really hurt. I can see myself feeling jealous/insecure about the people my partner had been with before, but if I loved him, and I knew that he loved me, I really don't think I would judge him for doing what I've been doing.

I'm not Christian, by the way. I haven't seen anyone mention actual religion when discussing this issue here, but it's probably relevant.

 

[GoodOldDreamer]

Nope. Never been into the whole casual sex thing. If I just wanted to get off, I have a hand for that. P If I'm gonna take the time and effort to involve another person, then it's going to be a worthwhile experience or it's simply not going to happen. I don't like to waste my time with meaningless endeavors. Especially when I and the other person are also putting our lives on the line as well, for various reasons.

Haven't been in a serious relationship in a decade. Haven't had sex in at least that long either. *shrug* Can't really think of a time it's ever been an issue either. But I'm also demisexual, so there's that. I'm not even attracted to someone enough to consider sex with them until I'm deeply in love with them, lol.

 

[Fleetfoot]

I'm pretty into the casual sex thing, but sometimes meaningful sex looks more fulfilling. Keeping it casual isn't something I like to do frequently, because then there's drama and a lot of work to getting someone drunk in your bed (or theirs) and having condoms at hand and whatnot.

 

[bengalcat]

So I was reading the post about not compromising your ideals if you know you need to be in love/really care about someone to have sex with them, and I thought this deserved its own post. I do not enjoy casual sex in the way some people do, and if you asked me, I would tell you I don't think someone deserves to experience that part of me unless they earn it (through trust, mutual respect, commitment, etc - a loving relationship, basically).

That said, I get lonely and horny, and sometimes I want the validation that I can "get some," like the stereotypical jock at the bar. So I've had friends-with-benefits situations (with people who later turned into platonic friends), and I've never had a true one-night stand, but recently I've been considering it. I got my heart broken, and I have had this overwhelming urge to sleep with someone else so he won't be the last person I slept with.

I think it's nice that some people are willing to be abstinent for their ideals, but personally... I'm not. I would love to be in a situation where I DO have that loving, respectful relationship and can feel good about it, but until I do, I'm not going to wait around and not have sex. I will pick mediocre sex (that I occasionally regret) over no sex at all.

Does anyone else feel this way/do this too?

I feel similarly to you.

Though, I don't know that I'd say that I'm happy to knowingly choose mediocre sex over no sex at all. I think I like to delude myself that any sex yet to come could still be great, regardless of whether it was "casual" or in a relationship. I don't assume that "casual" is necessarily inferior, though sex with someone you have deep feelings for can be unspeakably awesome.

I've done a couple of one night stands and short-term affairs that we knew from the start would not lead to a future together, but they've always been with people I feel very comfortable with. Looking back on these experiences got me to figuring that to be able to sleep with someone, I seem to require at least 8 hours of enjoyable conversation. It doesn't matter if this 8 hours is had in the space of a day or a few weeks, but it seems to be some unspoken minimum threshold that must be attained to enable me to trust someone and feel like my decision to sleep with them is not going to be one I regret.

The thing too is that sex just makes life better. I know there are a lot of people who think it's overrated, particularly when done casually, and I've never had sex in that truly casual way where I barely know the person or don't even know I like the person or where I don't care about them and think it's fine for them to not care about me. I'd only sleep with people who would treat me like a friend and aren't going to be some obvious 'I'll just throw you away now' type of cock. But however overrated some think it is, sex makes me happy! Immediately after and on a general basis. Happy, more optimistic, relaxed, all "hey everything's gonna be okay cuz I just got laid" (haha it's so crazy)

So I somewhat agree with you. But the thing is, even though I agree with you, being able to easily translate that into reality is another matter. I think the strong drive for meaningful sex makes it harder for me to behave in ways to get casual sex. I can't really eye up and hit on people in some meaningless, "hey there hot body" type of way, you know? It's something I find frustrating. I'm female, not unattractive, wanting sex, not against casual sex... so what the hell is stopping me? In light of everything you've said in your post, do you find it easy to go out and have casual sex?

I'm sorry about your heart by the way. Finding out sex you thought was meaningful meant nothing to the other person is such a horrible experience. I had that happen with a guy I was going out with. I thought we occasionally had moments of bonding and closeness whereas for him it was just a "man has needs - simple bodily function" type of deal. Made me feel really alone and stupid.

 

[bengalcat]

Hmmm. I can't get the fact that you recently got your heart broken out of my mind though.

If you want to have casual sex to regain some confidence and feel more distance from him, I'm not going to bag that. But ... I hope you really do understand that "fix" is "fix". Not fix. Trying to act now like he was just another notch for you doesn't make it so. If you're horny then I will cheer for you to go and get your sex on, but if a huge part of it is to heal hurt feelings.... Hmmm. I dunno, has this helped in the past? Sex can be a confidence-booster for me but it never resolves issues I have with another person.

 

[Yardiff Bey]

Casual sex is kinda hard to do for me. I'd rather have it with someone that I know and like at least a bit - I like what @bengalcat says about needing, say, 8+ hours of getting to know someone before I feel comfortable enough to really go for it. That said, I've had it casually, and it's not been anywhere nearly as good as the times with someone I know and am comfortable with.

Friends with benefits would be far more preferable than some random stranger.

I can empathize with the urge to go do something, anything, to make your former guy just another notch. Girls have a saying: to get over a guy, get under another one. Similar with guys, though for us it is: to get over a girl, get in another ten girls. Just sayin', though it sounds highly cynical.

 

[bengalcat]

Girls have a saying: to get over a guy, get under another one. Similar with guys, though for us it is: to get over a girl, get in another ten girls. Just sayin', though it sounds highly cynical.

Sounds like it's easier being a girl than a guy then. 1 is all it takes for us? Well then, I might be able to do that in a year. If I had to do 10 god... haven't even done 10 yet. That would be like my lifetime to use the sex method to get over someone.

 

[dylanabroad]

I constantly find myself looking for the right person to (for lack of a personal interpretation) 'merge with' at nearly any point in my day. Unfortunately my high standards are often a fallacy and in turn, wind me up alone and pessimistic. I end up selling out to anyone for a brief moment of sexual intimacy, which even in casual instances, can be very intense and internally emotional.
I find I'm willing to throw myself at anyone despite the social context, yet am withheld by fear that they will reject and turn me away. Although it's not much of an issue now, I remember my first few times having difficulty in drawing the boundaries between casual and intimate - generally cuddling for too long or believing this single casual instance could, somehow, spiral into a full on relationship. It's embarrassing, so I often find myself attempting to erase the bad instances of casual sex with pleasant ideals of future encounters - sexual/selfpres ninewingone woes.

 

[Yardiff Bey]

Sounds like it's easier being a girl than a guy then. 1 is all it takes for us? Well then, I might be able to do that in a year. If I had to do 10 god... haven't even done 10 yet. That would be like my lifetime to use the sex method to get over someone.

Much easier to be a girl. For starters, you can basically pick up damn near any guy you run across and who you find attractive.

Short of him being utterly clueless or plain not-interested for whatever reason. Chances are that you won't run into those types in a bar, though.

Luck.

 

[Nomen Nescio]

I feel like the experience already has been cheapened. Maybe it's a defense mechanism for me in this situation - I had sex because I cared about someone, it didn't mean much to him, now I want to "fix" that by acting like he was just another notch in my bedpost, too.

As far as me having sex for the sake of sex cheapening it for whoever I do end up in a meaningful relationship with... yikes, I hope not. I would feel... really judged. And I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who felt that making love to me was tarnished by the people I'd been with before, or who felt that I was "damaged goods." That would really hurt. I can see myself feeling jealous/insecure about the people my partner had been with before, but if I loved him, and I knew that he loved me, I really don't think I would judge him for doing what I've been doing.

I feel like this quote was made for you:

I like women who haven’t lived with too many men.
I don’t expect virginity but I simply prefer women
who haven’t been rubbed raw by experience.

there is a quality about women who choose
men sparingly;
it appears in their walk
in their eyes
in their laughter and in their
gentle hearts.

women who have had too many men
seem to choose the next one
out of revenge rather than with
feeling.

when you play the field selfishly everything
works against you:
one can’t insist on love or
demand affection.
you’re finally left with whatever
you have been willing to give
which often is:
nothing.

some women are delicate things
some women are delicious and
wondrous.

if you want to piss on the sun
go ahead
but please leave them
alone.

-Charles Bukowski​

 

[bengalcat]

Much easier to be a girl. For starters, you can basically pick up damn near any guy you run across and who you find attractive.

Short of him being utterly clueless or plain not-interested for whatever reason. Chances are that you won't run into those types in a bar, though.

Luck.

Mmmm. However do also run into a lot of types who are seedy, pushy, unintelligent and want you to say yes even if it is coerced. The types who get ultra huffy if you dare to turn down their amazing offer.

NotLuck.

To the OP: Can Sex Ever Be Casual? | MetaFilter
I thought it was interesting, though the jokes are the best part

Wow @Nomen Nescio. So the other women... the ones "rubbed raw"... they're not delicious or wondrous or all kinds of special? You should be careful Blackbird. You're totally going to debase your delicate feminine flower.

 

[robespierre]

oh my I can relate. I broke up with my bf not too long ago and now I'm single in college...I'm supposed to be all sexed up and free but I just don't even know how to initiate a one-night stand. I dont go to parties often and I doubt guys in the library are going to approach me randomly asking for sex. lol how does this whole one-night stand thing even work??

Actually a piece of advice I got from a guy is to go to a bar/club and just bluntly tell a guy you're interested in him...most men chilling at a bar won't say no to sex lol.

 

[Yardiff Bey]

Mmmm. However do also run into a lot of types who are seedy, pushy, unintelligent and want you to say yes even if it is coerced. The types who get ultra huffy if you dare to turn down their amazing offer.

NotLuck.

To the OP: Can Sex Ever Be Casual? | MetaFilter
I thought it was interesting, though the jokes are the best part

Eh, sounds like you and a girlfriend need to go out on the town together and check out some guys. The seedy/pushy types I have seen - they think they can break through someone's commonsense by constant nudgenudgenudge.

I think it's kinda funny when they hit on female friends of mine. I sit there and try not to laugh, 'cause I know them girls and those guys don't have a chance in hell. XD

oh my I can relate. I broke up with my bf not too long ago and now I'm single in college...I'm supposed to be all sexed up and free but I just don't know how to even initiate a one-night stand. I dont go to parties often and I doubt guys in the library are going to approach me randomly asking for sex. lol how does this whole one-night stand thing even work??

Actually a piece of advice I got from a guy is to go to a bar/club and just bluntly tell a guy you're interested in him...most men chilling at a bar won't say no to sex lol.

EXACTLY! You win the platinum-plated whatsit.

'Course, you still want to have some idea of what he's like/standards.

 

[bengalcat]

Eh, sounds like you and a girlfriend need to go out on the town together and check out some guys. The seedy/pushy types I have seen - they think they can break through someone's commonsense by constant nudgenudgenudge.

Yeah I suppose declining offers would be easier with a wingperson. Hmm. Probably wasn't the original intention of a wingperson.

I've actually never done that, gone out with a girlfriend just to check out guys. It sounds entertaining, we could pretend we're in a documentary. Wow. Perhaps that's one way people make casual sex happen... Actually go out with the intention to fish. Hmmm. Wow. Oh. Being so calculating about it is giving me the heebie jeebies. Perhaps I am only built for accidental casual sex. Though accidental is probably a poor choice of words.

 

[Nomen Nescio]

Wow @Nomen Nescio. So the other women... the ones "rubbed raw"... they're not delicious or wondrous or all kinds of special? You should be careful Blackbird. You're totally going to debase your delicate feminine flower.

I don't think you are grasping the same ideas from that quote as me, because I do not believe it has anything to do with femininity or being physically rubbed raw. It's about being emotionally rubbed raw and I believe the same emotional effects of promiscuity applies to men as well.

I've honestly never had sex within a relationship setting and I feel because of this, I've never understood why I should separate intimacy from sex. I am intimate with everyone and it's not something that's special to me anymore. This leads to a lot people thinking that I'm leading them on or trying to manipulate them and eventually someone gets hurt, someone thrashes out, and we all go our separate ways without having taken anything away from the experience. It's empty, there is no connection, and it only makes your heart heavier when you find out that you've meant a lot more to them than they've ever meant to you. Soon you find yourself wanting something different, but you don't know how. You end up feeling trapped either way.

 

[Yardiff Bey]

Yeah I suppose declining offers would be easier with a wingperson. Hmm. Probably wasn't the original intention of a wingperson.

I've actually never done that, gone out with a girlfriend just to check out guys. It sounds entertaining, we could pretend we're in a documentary. Wow. Perhaps that's one way people make casual sex happen... Actually go out with the intention to fish. Hmmm. Wow. Oh. Being so calculating about it is giving me the heebie jeebies. Perhaps I am only built for accidental casual sex. Though accidental is probably a poor choice of words.

It's not a case of declining offers - your wingperson helps to make sure that you don't make a completely catastrophic mistake. And you vice-versa, of course. Girls do have a tendency to get hornier when drunk, as I understand it the alcohol ups their testosterone as well as reducing their inhibitions.

Do it! Go out with a female friend just to check out guys. It can be totally entertaining seeing it happen - pretend to be something that you're not, perhaps something totally ridiculous. When the guy asks you what you do, say "I'm quality control officer at a brickmaking factory" or something dumb.

What I tell girls when they ask what I do is: "I'm training to be a masseuse". Which by the bye is actually true, but not what I do for a living. XD

Is the thought of it giving you the heebie-jeebies, or is it actually a frisson of anticipation and delight? Make no mistake: there can be a delicious amount of fun doing something different, so long as you're feeling relatively safe in the process. Hell, there's a delicious amount of fun in a well-planned and executed seduction! ;-)

 

[bengalcat]

I don't think you are grasping the same ideas from that quote as me, because I do not believe it has anything to do with femininity or being physically rubbed raw. It's about being emotionally rubbed raw and I believe the same emotional effects of promiscuity applies to men as well.

I've honestly have never had sex within a relationship setting and I feel because of this, I've never understood why I should separate intimacy from sex. I am intimate with everyone and it's not something that's special to me anymore. This leads to a lot people thinking that I'm leading them on or trying to manipulate them and eventually someone gets hurt, someone thrashes out, and we all go our separate ways without having taken anything away from the experience. It's empty, there is no connection, and it only makes your heart heavier when you find out that you've meant a lot more to them than they've ever meant to you. Soon you find yourself wanting something different, but you don't know how. You end up feeling trapped either way.

I was looking at both ways it could be taken.

I still have issues with it because it puts women into categories on the basis of their sexual behaviour. I don't think it's fair to say that women who have sex easily or with a lot of people are necessarily jaded, damaged and bitter.

It also seems like it's saying that these choices irrevocably mark a person. Even if a person were to go through a phase of being promiscuous and regretting it, it doesn't mean their soul is marred for life. That they no longer have a spirit or a way about them that is beautiful and that will be seen as beautiful by another person.

It feels like the sort of message that some religions have been using for ages, and it doesn't matter whether a person is painted as damaged goods physically or spiritually/emotionally. Although it sounds like it's there to make the "pure, light" women feel special, it's also kind of scaremongering.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time figuring out how to do something different. I don't really want to pry too much, I guess I'm just wondering that if you've never had sex within a relationship and you want to do something different... Wouldn't trying to get into a relationship be something different? Or ... being celibate and just having good friendships and chats for a while?