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Discussion Starter #1
heres a brief rundown of a dilemma I am in.

Currently I am 'stuck' in a loveless petty and spiteful marriage. I have one 5 year old daughter.

Now here are the complications.

I am living in europe (I'm originally from England) currently working in a dead end job (admin but still dead end) with little of the native language. In order to actually get a place of my own and try to survive I need to stay in the job so that I can get permits and proof of regular income. The job sucks big time and to be frank if I was doing this in England...I would have quit to find something else a few months ago - its grinding me down.

The long term I have an idea of learning the local language so that I can at least have some job choice...sounds good? I've been told it will take about 5 years!

I don't really see myself surviving in my current situation without a 'burn-out' Ideally I would love to just pack it in here and go back to England yes I would be missing my daughter a lot but at least I would be in an environment where I know the 'rules' as such. Despite hearing about bad times in England I still think my short term and mid term employment prospects are far better there - mainly due to language.

Here are what i think my options are

1/ stay and let whatever happens happen - likely to lose work or just quit (very irritating work colleagues, work and situation)
2/ get out of my dead end job and learn the language FAST accepting I will use up a HUGE amount of money in the process AND have to find work again
3/ accept that it aint going to work here and get back to England, lick my wounds and start again - minus daughter of course - the biggest drawback
4/ try to persuade my 'wife' that going back to England and divorcing would benefit us all - tried and she aint having it

sorry its not very coherent but I'm interested in other peoples views on this
 

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This sounds like your in at the deep end,

sorry I have no real experience in your situation, but I would say divorce and move back to england, (maybe divorce over there if you think you'll get better access to your daughter,) but I'd say definately divorce and come back. but that leaves the problem with your daughter,

it's obviously a very difficult situation :sad:
 

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I'm confident you'll get through this, but it certainly must be daunting.

Firstly, you mentioned "England" far too many times, which generally means you would be happier if you returned "home." So that's one thing I would work towards. Naturally, that also settles your situation with a job (for the most part).

With regards to the marriage, I have to take your word for it in terms of being loveless and spiteful. However, I do have to wonder if your job makes your marriage appear worse, or if your marriage makes your job worse. While both can be rough, generally one is worse than the other.

If I may ask, what made you marry this woman in the first place? Meaning, what attracted you to her?
 

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I suggest you go back to England and try to get a better job. For us, having a shitty repetitive office job, surrounded by people we don't like, bored by menial tasks etc (thats what I am assuming you are doing from what you say) can have a really negative impact in our lives because we don't switch off and get on with it like most people, we just wilt and die from the inside.

If you have a better job here it might be easier to visit your daughter regularly, depending where you are in europe, flights are really affordable these days, and you can fly to lot's of small european airports from places like Bristol and Stansted nowadays.

From my own experience learning a different language can take up to 5 years, and remember you don't need to pass an exam, you need to able to function everyday like a native which is a lot harder. In a job where you deal with numbers or graphic design or in a laboratory where there is technical language to be used, it might actually be easier to operate without a great command of the language, but perversely, it's the least qualified jobs that you will find the hardest, anything like customer service, office admin, typing, receptionist etc require you to deal with people and understand them (if you think talking in a second language is hard, try doing it on the phone with no body language and less clear sound..) like a native.

You'll be happier back in England and if you are happier you will be a better dad. Distance can be overcome, but, you will miss the day to day and when they are little it's such a difficult decision to make (I have a five yo too). I wish you all the luck in the world.
 

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If you divorce and go back to England would you still be able to have contact with and maintain a relationship with your daughter? If so...perhaps that is the solution. I'm not one to advocate divorce...but I also know that children aren't as naive as we think they are...and if the marriage is miserable the child will suffer in the long run... At least that's my experience.
 
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Discussion Starter #6
I'm confident you'll get through this, but it certainly must be daunting.

Firstly, you mentioned "England" far too many times, which generally means you would be happier if you returned "home." So that's one thing I would work towards. Naturally, that also settles your situation with a job (for the most part).

With regards to the marriage, I have to take your word for it in terms of being loveless and spiteful. However, I do have to wonder if your job makes your marriage appear worse, or if your marriage makes your job worse. While both can be rough, generally one is worse than the other.

If I may ask, what made you marry this woman in the first place? Meaning, what attracted you to her?
Thanks - strangely its NOT the work affecting the marriage - the marriage has been weak for a LONG time sadly I made a mistake in agreeing to the move abroad - I guess I was clinging to the hope it would revive the marriage...stupid I know.

I was a needy person and my wife seemed to be the only girl interested...I think there was real love there at the start but no longer.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I suggest you go back to England and try to get a better job. For us, having a shitty repetitive office job, surrounded by people we don't like, bored by menial tasks etc (thats what I am assuming you are doing from what you say) can have a really negative impact in our lives because we don't switch off and get on with it like most people, we just wilt and die from the inside.

If you have a better job here it might be easier to visit your daughter regularly, depending where you are in europe, flights are really affordable these days, and you can fly to lot's of small european airports from places like Bristol and Stansted nowadays.

From my own experience learning a different language can take up to 5 years, and remember you don't need to pass an exam, you need to able to function everyday like a native which is a lot harder. In a job where you deal with numbers or graphic design or in a laboratory where there is technical language to be used, it might actually be easier to operate without a great command of the language, but perversely, it's the least qualified jobs that you will find the hardest, anything like customer service, office admin, typing, receptionist etc require you to deal with people and understand them (if you think talking in a second language is hard, try doing it on the phone with no body language and less clear sound..) like a native.

You'll be happier back in England and if you are happier you will be a better dad. Distance can be overcome, but, you will miss the day to day and when they are little it's such a difficult decision to make (I have a five yo too). I wish you all the luck in the world.
Good points. I heard that too about language that strangely for a 'basic' job language is MORE important. As my job is an admin job within finance it is essentially English.

Regarding the job I think its the prospect that if I stay doing it I would need to learn the language part time and would push 5 years even further.

I think I've made a decision to go back home its just a matter of timing and trying to sort things out first
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Spoke to my wife briefly about moving back...kind of pencilled in February/March 2011. Started looking at what needs to be done - fuck... I wish I hadn' t burnt so many bridges
 

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Sounds like you generally have things generally figured out.

I assume you'll ensure that the 'wife' and daughter will be well taken care of. Meaning, they have a backdrop -- place to live and ways to eat. Transitions can be very difficult for yourself, but also them. If necessary, perhaps look into some divorce counselling.
 
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