Personality Cafe banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Help! I'm about to enter into an extremely uncomfortable dialogue with my ISTJ/Sagittarius roommate.

We've lived together for about 2 and a half years and things have been pretty good for the first 2. That is until she got into a steady relationship with a married man about 6 or 7 months ago. She has since neglected household duties which have never been that strenuous as I own two cats. I've only asked her to pay half of the rent and utilities and switch off with me on cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. I have never asked her to sweep or mop the living/dining rooms or stairs or hallway because of my boys and the constant need to pick up after their hair. But now she never cleans. I've entered into a relationship of my own with an INFP/Piscies girl who is completely available and we've been together for close to 5 months. I understand that she lives with us unassumingly but she now pays a third of the gas and electric. Our landlord only wants two occupants so paying a third of the rent and water is out of the question. However, my girlfriend has more than made up for it in cleaning since my roommate has become so lazy.

But it's not just the lack of cleaning that bothers me. It's the whole moral issue of adultery. From personal experience, I feel awful about their conduct. I was wedged out of my own marriage by adultery so I know how it can rip your life apart. This guy (type unknown, but he's an Aries and so was my ex-wife) has been married for 10 years and they have a 4 year old child. He just got back from a 4 month military service in Saudi Arabia. While he was away, my roommate Skyped with him several times a day for hours on end and our house looked like a funeral parlor from all the flowers he had sent to her. She shipped him weekly homemade baked goods. When he returned to the US, he came directly to our house for a week and I had to listen to them fuck for several hours everyday. I highly doubt he told his wife the actually date of his arrival. The general tone of the house is so uncomfortable that this need for a conversation has reared it's ugly head and I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm participating in their affair because I've allowed it to go on right in front of me.

I'm not trying to issue a moral decree but something has to be said when her personal life is interrupting our household. Part of the reason I've been so hesitant to offer an opinion is because I have moved my girlfriend in without consulting my roommate. However, while he was away, my girlfriend and roommate had a really good relationship even when I wasn't around. They would chat for hours and go out to lunch together. Things only turned bad between them because of the mutual friend between the roommate and boyfriend were talking about the situation. My girlfriend had a couple of drinks in her and offered up her blatantly honest opinion to her. In a nutshell she said that he doesn't truly respect her if he is cheating with her. She also said who's to say he isn't sleeping with multiple people, not just my roommate. The mutual friend has confirmed he's cheated on his wife for the duration of their 10 year marriage. So it seems we have a chronic issue here.

*sigh*

I weep for mankind.

I really like my roommate but I wish she would wake up and see what's really going on here. When I met my her, she told me that she just spent an entire summer with a guy who she thought was her boyfriend. How it turns out, she was the other woman and he was using her to make his own girlfriend jealous. What??? How does that happen?

I have an extremely difficult time staying impersonal when I have to come up with words on the spot so I'm trying to process the situation before addressing it with her. How do I broach this? I ultimately want to keep the peace in our house but I have a feeling this is going to result in her moving out to maintain this affair. She told me he said he will divorce his wife within a year... Yeah right. I see them both having severe commitment issues and both preferring an extended courting phase over an actual relationship. This chat will happen regardless of any repercussions. But where do I begin?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
541 Posts
Well, you can't really tell someone else how to live. But you can ask them to behave to a certain set of house-rules, if she's not taking care of her share of duties then that's all you can complain about, realistically. If she's got prior with regards to being in dubious relationships I don't think a talk with you is going to change anything. Of course you can mention you are worried about her getting hurt but unless you have a really close friendship that is able to take such a confrontation it's probably best to leave it alone. She's probably fully aware of her behaviour, on some level, and will realise the damage she's doing sooner or later, but if it takes getting kicked out of the apartment for her to realise it, then that's what has to happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
657 Posts
if he cheats with her then he will cheat on her, such is the fate that she has chosen and this is a truth i have observed. this man does not have the ability or capacity to make things work and those are not the people you want to keep around, better now that later on down the road.

i would propose because the manager is wanting there to be only 2 people in the house that she finds a better another place. this might actually make thing progress faster with his already dying relationship, better now then never, or end the relationship with your roommate and he therby stops coming over. tee hee

so forcing her to move out would cause him to solidify if he is even interested in this girl and wants to make it into something. you are doing her a favor because she finds the answer or truth about this guy with the short shelf life
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
The morality of it is up to her. And as uncomfortable as it all is, the ONLY reason I'm saying ANYTHING to her is because she's neglecting her household duties. We are roommates first and friends second.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
657 Posts
either way, there has to be 2 occupants in that house,no? you are correct the morality is up to her and how things progress the things mentioned above could possibly be of consequence.

so you are just trying to find emotional equanimity on the whole matter but its difficult because you were in that other position.

you can take joy in the fact that you found someone who is serious about being with you.

you are probably thinking, this is what happened behind my back and this is what i did not see but tell me now, if you can have that person back knowing what they had done, would you really want them back?

if it was me, the answer would be no


besides, the best relationships are the ones with people who are just as passionate about you as you are about them

now go give her the boot
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
154 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
2 occupants, yes. But my girlfriend is trying to finish up school and can only work a part time job right now so I want to toe that line very carefully. But if it ends up my roommate isn't willing to step up with the chores, I'm going to ask her to move out because he's getting in the way of keeping up our household.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Feral sheep

·
Registered
Joined
·
657 Posts
2 occupants, yes. But my girlfriend is trying to finish up school and can only work a part time job right now so I want to toe that line very carefully. But if it ends up my roommate isn't willing to step up with the chores, I'm going to ask her to move out because he's getting in the way of keeping up our household.
in the mean time you can sneak your girlfriend into the house in a duffel bag and tell her its just your laundry.

ok, now im being silly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
It'll come back to bite your roommate in the ***. I wouldn't worry about it. Those situations always blow up.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top