[Hiki]

Not sure why I'm even asking this since everyone feels/thinks differently.

If your partner becomes unattractive to you because you feel unattractive. Say you gain a bunch of unwanted weight, start forming acne all over your face, or your living situation stresses you to the point where anything he/she may do bugs the crap out of you, to where you just want to be alone for a while. Any little thing sets you off. Whatever the cause may be.
Here is my question:

If you have sexual thoughts of other men/women without meaning to when you see a stranger, is this cheating? What if you stop yourself? If you tell yourself it's wrong after it happens. What if you compare your SO to a celebrity? Not in a sexual manner, but say you believe your SO could be bigger in stature so you feel more secure, like you may not feel safe with them. I don't think that necessarily has to be sexual. If this is cheating, and you've told them about it, what should you do if they tell you that it isn't?

If you're honest about what you've done. Say you mentioned to another person that they are cute, and you tell your significant other that you're not in love with them, you find them unattractive. If they tell you it's ok, and then make up some excuse like it's your hormones, what do you do now? What if you still feel guilty?

 

[WildWinds]

I'm not sure that post made any sense to me...

For one, I don't see why my partner would become unattractive if I did. Second, I don't how in the world that would cause me to cheat. And third, its completely normal to compare your partner to others and to pass by somebody and think "Oh he/she's cute", everybody does it.

If I'm in a relationship and want to have relationships with other men, then I will grow a pair and end the relationship I'm in. I'm not going to ask for permission...I'm not into the whole swing scene.

 

[Hiki]

I'm not sure that post made any sense to me...

For one, I don't see why my partner would become unattractive if I did. Second, I don't how in the world that would cause me to cheat. And third, its completely normal to compare your partner to others and to pass by somebody and think "Oh he/she's cute", everybody does it.

If I'm in a relationship and want to have relationships with other men, then I will grow a pair and end the relationship I'm in. I'm not going to ask for permission...I'm not into the whole swing scene.

K. Firstly, not everyone passes people and compares them to their partner. Do not speak in such a general language because there are definitely exceptions. Secondly, you apparently think that cheating is thinking about other men/women on accident when you're with someone.

Thirdly: This is probably why I shouldn't have posted this in the first place. It's obvious that everyone else is going to feel and do things differently, I really just wanted to know if I behaved this way, if it would be cheating.

 

[timeless]

If you have sexual thoughts of other men/women without meaning to when you see a stranger, is this cheating?

Yep.

What if you stop yourself?

You mean, if you stop yourself from thinking about thinking about sexual thoughts? This breaks my brain. D:

If you tell yourself it's wrong after it happens

.

It's still bad though.

What if you compare your SO to a celebrity? Not in a sexual manner, but say you believe your SO could be bigger in stature so you feel more secure, like you may not feel safe with them. I don't think that necessarily has to be sexual. If this is cheating, and you've told them about it, what should you do if they tell you that it isn't?

I'm not entirely sure what you mean. By "bigger in stature" do you mean wishing that your SO was a celebrity or something?

 

[Hiki]

Yep.



You mean, if you stop yourself from thinking about thinking about sexual thoughts? This breaks my brain. D:

.

It's still bad though.



I'm not entirely sure what you mean. By "bigger in stature" do you mean wishing that your SO was a celebrity or something?

sdf,jhsadfh NO. Not wishing my SO were a celebrity. Don't make me vomit I meant, if you see one on a movie, and the person is a lot bigger, you wonder how your SO will look when he's that person's age, I wish I could explain this more without sounding like a jerk or into my appearance too much. When I'm...40 years old, I fear that I won't be as toned/good looking as I am now and I'm afraid my SO will be smaller than me, and I always want to feel safe and secure and not feeling like that makes me think that I will be rejected some how. By secure, I mean secure in knowing he won't reject me for someone smaller in size because I've been rejected that way.

Does that make any sense?

What exactly should a person do if they've experienced thinking sexually about other people, if it's on accident? Yes, I know it's wrong, it's bad, and it's horrible. What if they think these things only when they're hormones are going insane?

 

[SlowPoke68]

Why is it bad and horrible?

I guess I am too pragmatic or whatever to understand.

My first wife was a variety of people to me in bed during our marriage. Sometimes she was Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then she was Erica Campbell. Then for quite a while she was my attractive female boss. She was attractive enough just as she was, of course. . . but I got bored. I'm sure I was a variety of people to her, too. It's not why we broke up. We broke up because I wanted to have kids and she realized she actually didn't. That sort of thing matters. Being turned on by someone else really doesn't

 

[SaraBell]

I don't think there is anything wrong with imagining sex with other people while you are in a relationship. I do it, and I'm sure my boyfriend does it too. To me, thinking is not cheating, doing is cheating.

 

[Calvaire]

You can't expect to just not find people attractive anymore because you're with someone Everyone knows when they see someone that is an attractive person to them,is that cheating? No it's being a human being. Fantasizing is not cheating,touching is, being with that person physically is. When you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you're going to stop masterbating and most likely when you do you're not going to think of the person you're with.

I think sexual expiermentation is important in a relationship,especially once it starts to get boring that and even some role play,it's important to spice it up a bit ; )

 

[Hiki]

I think that not everyone is the same, Calvaire. It's why when that crap happens to me, it's the first time I've ever done it besides when I was with this abusive guy. He started mentally cheating on me, so I did it back and I didn't mean to so I think it's been a habit and I want it gone. A friend of mine tells me I do it because I'm leaving options open, seeing if this guy is right for me, so I think being cautious is normal. I'm terrified he'll be the same as the rest though.

 

[OmarFW]

If you have sexual thoughts of other men/women without meaning to when you see a stranger, is this cheating?

no. it's called being human. this is one scenario where actions speak louder than thought.

no matter what we do, humans will never be able to turn off their sexual drive to reproduce because we are animals

and yes everyone is different, but does it really MATTER if you have thoughts about other people even though you don't want to? how does that infringe upon anything or cause conflict anywhere or strain your relationship in any way? it doesn't, it's just thought. if you don't act on it, it doesn't matter.

just because you have thoughts that EVERY human has at some point, doesn't mean it will grow over time and cause conflict for you and cause you to act on it. your thoughts do not control you, you control you.

just because those kinds of thoughts are the kind a cheater would have, doesn't mean they are the kind ONLY a cheater would have.

 

[mrscientist]

He started mentally cheating on me

Sure. Mentally you say.
Just like i am mentally robbing a bank right now. I hope i don't get mentally caught. That would suck. Mentally.

no matter what we do, humans will never be able to turn off their sexual drive to reproduce because we are animals

Actually when i am with someone, i have not yet experienced any desires for more.
The debate of human being an animal is not in place here. We do not know how animals think, what level of awareness they have. A human is more than capable of self control and other feats against his "nature". Unless they lack NT. Then they are truly animals.

 

[Hiki]

Sure. Mentally you say.
Just like i am mentally robbing a bank right now. I hope i don't get mentally caught. That would suck. Mentally.



Actually when i am with someone, i have not yet experienced any desires for more.
The debate of human being an animal is not in place here. We do not know how animals think, what level of awareness they have. A human is more than capable of self control and other feats against his "nature". Unless they lack NT. Then they are truly animals.

Your comparison is completely retarded and shouldn't even be used. You can mentally cheat on your partner by having sexual fantasies of other people. It's emotional cheating, and it's unfair to whoever you're with.


http://personalitycafe.com/general-...s-animal-behavior-explain-human-behavior.html

 

[mrscientist]

Your comparison is completely retarded and shouldn't even be used. You can mentally cheat on your partner by having sexual fantasies of other people. It's emotional cheating, and it's unfair to whoever you're with.


http://personalitycafe.com/general-...s-animal-behavior-explain-human-behavior.html

No. My comparison is beautifull. It is like a summer breeze that gently touches your body, the smell of pine trees and rain, the sight of fall leaves under the trees. Ever got that feeling? Now that is how beautifull my comparison is.
As i said, i have never caught myself doing it, but its a fine line. When you are walking around and see an attractive person and for some reason they turn you on is that cheating? Is fantasizing about people you do not know cheating? I really do not see it going either way at the moment. Ask your partner how he feels about it and you will get your answer.

 

[snail]

When I feel devoted to someone, it is very difficult to find anyone else sexually attractive, although as I age, this is starting to change a bit. I think the changes are unhealthy and come from being damaged and insecure. Every failed relationship weakens the next one and makes me more likely to give up and look elsewhere instead of trusting that things can be resolved. I don't trust anyone to be what I need anymore. I get spooked at the first signs of rejection or conflict. If I feel bad about myself, I assume my partner is going to start feeling bad about me too. Part of me looks for a back-up plan just in case there is a disaster, so I won't have to deal with it alone.

If you are worried about feeling insecure with your partner because you feel undesirable, or because you know there is a very real risk of discovering that your partner's attraction to you was superficial and unstable, these are issues you would ideally be able to talk about. It sounds like you have already done this. So, let's say your partner is, as you have mentioned, okay with your escapist approach of focusing on less attainable or less intimidating lusts. This could be because your partner is afraid of losing you and is in denial of the serious reality of your waning interest, but it could also be because your partner respects your methods of coping with the things that trouble you and has confidence in your ability to work through them. Maybe the one you are with can help you with whatever trust and confidence issues are at the heart of your mental cheating before it becomes physical cheating. Maybe with sufficient reassurance, you won't need to think about other people in order to imagine being securely accepted. It sounds like self-acceptance might be just as important as receiving external validation, in your case. If I knew the solution, I guess I wouldn't have problems with this sort of thing in my own life. I remember a time before I did this sort of thing, and I am pretty sure that it is a fear-based tendency rather than something that stems from actual lust.

 

[Hiki]

No. My comparison is beautifull. It is like a summer breeze that gently touches your body, the smell of pine trees and rain, the sight of fall leaves under the trees. Ever got that feeling? Now that is how beautifull my comparison is.
As i said, i have never caught myself doing it, but its a fine line. When you are walking around and see an attractive person and for some reason they turn you on is that cheating? Is fantasizing about people you do not know cheating? I really do not see it going either way at the moment. Ask your partner how he feels about it and you will get your answer.

He thinks fantasizing is cheating, but if I called someone cute it wouldn't be ONLY because of the circumstances. I've been up front an honest and told him I'm not ready to be in love quite yet, and that I feel single from being battered emotionally by my ex. All of this is very foreign to me because I know I can be in love, finally and that I deserve it but my mind isn't ready for it yet. I'm still bruised, and I need some time to heal. Basically what I should have stated in my original post is that I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet, and I know that I should break up with him, and he knows that's what should happen but were just seeing how everything goes. Basically were just trying to get our own place, because the stress of living with his family right now is making me recoil romantically and seem to want other things. I don't want this life, I want the kind of life where I can live with my SO and come home to...um, not drama from other people. If it's crap from him, I can handle it but not from all angles. Do you get what I'm saying? I hope this explains things for anyone reading this so they don't get the wrong impression of me. We both agree though, that fantasizing is cheating but in this situation it is forgiven because I'm in desperate need of therapy and healing and my mind is out of sync. Yes, I know there is still no excuse for it, ever and I feel the guilt digging in deeper every day.

 

[Hiki]

When I feel devoted to someone, it is very difficult to find anyone else sexually attractive, although as I age, this is starting to change a bit. I think the changes are unhealthy and come from being damaged and insecure. Every failed relationship weakens the next one and makes me more likely to give up and look elsewhere instead of trusting that things can be resolved. I don't trust anyone to be what I need anymore. I get spooked at the first signs of rejection or conflict. If I feel bad about myself, I assume my partner is going to start feeling bad about me too. Part of me looks for a back-up plan just in case there is a disaster, so I won't have to deal with it alone.

If you are worried about feeling insecure with your partner because you feel undesirable, or because you know there is a very real risk of discovering that your partner's attraction to you was superficial and unstable, these are issues you would ideally be able to talk about. It sounds like you have already done this. So, let's say your partner is, as you have mentioned, okay with your escapist approach of focusing on less attainable or less intimidating lusts. This could be because your partner is afraid of losing you and is in denial of the serious reality of your waning interest, but it could also be because your partner respects your methods of coping with the things that trouble you and has confidence in your ability to work through them. Maybe the one you are with can help you with whatever trust and confidence issues are at the heart of your mental cheating before it becomes physical cheating. Maybe with sufficient reassurance, you won't need to think about other people in order to imagine being securely accepted. It sounds like self-acceptance might be just as important as receiving external validation, in your case. If I knew the solution, I guess I wouldn't have problems with this sort of thing in my own life. I remember a time before I did this sort of thing, and I am pretty sure that it is a fear-based tendency rather than something that stems from actual lust.

I'm doing it though, without even meaning to. The more insecure I get, the more I do it. That is where it stems from. Because of my eating disorder, because of men I was with who made fun of how I looked. He's very understanding, an ENFJ and he gives too much, only thinks of other people which makes this harder for me to deal with. The guilt is killing me inside, and I often don't even feel bad for thinking I should be with other guys..I feel like my boyfriend is just going to eventually do the same thing they all did. I don't like justifying this at all, it shouldn't be. I know there are gray areas, but I tend to see often in black and white because my moral standards should be so high that I shouldn't even wander, in any sort of aspect.

What you said relates to me 100%, your posts are always so soul searing, Snail (Not in a bad way)l. I'm grateful for your insight, thank you.

 

[OmarFW]

We both agree though, that fantasizing is cheating

Could you explain why?

 

[Hiki]

Could you explain why?

Explain why we both agree that it is cheating?

xxx1313: because if you fantasize about another person, it means that you aren't thinking about the person you are with in that manner, it takes that away from them, they are no longer "special"
and if you fantasize, what's keeping you from doing it?
Really, you already "have" it in your mind
What's keeping you from doing it?


That's his explanation, and I agree but I would have worded it different.

 

[northernsky]

I don't know...I fantasise about lots of things that I wouldn't actually go out and do in real life. Like sometimes when i go over this bridge to town I imagine what it would be like to jump off it, but I'd never actually do it! Or I imagine standing up in the middle of the library and yelling something really loudly at the top of my voice, or telling someone what I really think of them. Sometimes thinking these things is just a way to let off steam, in a way.

Do you have any way of getting your own house or place to live? Or is that not possible at the moment? I'd hate to live with my partner's family. In fact at the moment I hate living with him but that's a whole different story!

 

[Hiki]

I don't know...I fantasise about lots of things that I wouldn't actually go out and do in real life. Like sometimes when i go over this bridge to town I imagine what it would be like to jump off it, but I'd never actually do it! Or I imagine standing up in the middle of the library and yelling something really loudly at the top of my voice, or telling someone what I really think of them. Sometimes thinking these things is just a way to let off steam, in a way.

Do you have any way of getting your own house or place to live? Or is that not possible at the moment? I'd hate to live with my partner's family. In fact at the moment I hate living with him but that's a whole different story!

LMAO @ "I hate living with him" haha you crack me up ^_^
Right now he's going to be in school soon, and I quit my job due to drama and interpersonal crap. I wrote a blog about it, lol..it's rather well..yeah.

He has a job, he starts within the next week and were both planning on moving out. His mom wants to actually go with us...she doesn't have a job except for well babysitting two children, and the state pays her. I refuse to come home and not be able to strip naked if I want to, or sing like a screeching spider monkey, doing cartwheels in the house. The worst thing is when I get out of the shower, I'm sweaty because there's no central air here, and I need to go out into the living room to dry off so I'm not sweating anymore, and completely dry and I can't do that due to his mom always being in there. Ugh. This way I won't be threatened to be kicked out, he wouldn't ever do that to me, and I won't have much pressure on me when I work I will finally love working lol. Were trying though, as soon as possible. It's easier knowing things will get done because I'm with an extrovert, and not a scared introvert like myself. He's my rock and I can't stand being around him often because of his mom and other people barging in without knocking first. Adds to it. Sorry my response is so long....I talk too much.