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I'm an INFP dating an INTP and I have no idea what to do when he's stressed or pissed off about something... I wanna cuddle up on him and tell him everything's gonna be okay, being the cheesy F that I am :) But I'm afraid that would overwhelm him, so I hold back and sit in silence... And I know that he would rather not discuss what's going on emotionally inside of him.

What's the best kind of support you guys like to have during a time like this?
 

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If I'm feeling down, I would appreciate it if I can discuss my situation to a trustworthy person. And by discuss, I mean being heard out and getting another's objective views on it, meaning that it will not turn into some type of flame war.

And you should try your own cuddle method on him; you won't know his reaction until you try, but please have a subtle method of approach instead of going hug crazy on him. Some INTPs are cuddle monsters, while others are stoic robots, so determine which variety you have obtained and go forth with the appropriate action.
 

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It might help to know what sort of thing he's pissed at. Is he mad at himself? At you? At somebody else? Or just at the world or some other intangible 'other'? I think it would make a difference.
 

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I think the best thing is to do whatever feels right and natural. We might act awkward and stiff, and stubbornly insist that we don't want someone's support, but when someone makes an effort to try and make us feel better, this is always appreciated. I don't think you should try to force him to talk about his emotions, but just be there for him and don't be judgmental. Sometimes it helps me just to vent my frustrations at times. I'm not necessarily looking for advice or support. I just need someone to listen.
 

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Don't be afraid of going into cuddle mode. Being overwhelm by cheesy love is much better than being overwhelm by stress I'd say.
 

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You probably don't want to tell him that "everything will be ok"; I for one find that to be annoying and not comfortable at all (that sounds too much like my worries being dismissed, which I don't like).

However, I would say cuddling up to him (not on him; that would be a bit much) would be good; just having someone around tends to help me when I'm in a bad mood. Disclaimer: Doesn't work if you are the one his is pissed off about.
Note: What you want to be going for is being close but unobtrusive. So, if you can find a place where you can be in physical contact with him without getting in his way if he wants to get up / leave / move around, that would be best. Also, you may want to do this silently; the point here is to be an anchor, not a distraction (sorry to put it so bluntly, but when we are engrossed in an issue, especially one we are stressing over, we tend to react negatively to anything external that we have to respond to - like a SO attempting to start a conversation).


That is what would help me most: having someone close by who is both willing to listen to me vent and just quietly be there if I want to think. Results may vary for other INTPs.
 

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黐線 ~Chiseen~
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do NOT mess with his head. that is one thing you must not do... even jokingly. a stressed INTP is ready for rage mode when stress level reaches beyond whats considered your normal conditions... cuz... you know... they dont pack in excess emotions like others do. being introverted doesnt help them express it outward to people either.

if he says its too complicated or difficult to explain, just say "try me" and let him blurt out all his worries and concerns. he'll feel better about it after. you don't have to interject or comment. you just have to nod and say "continue" or "what happens now/next"... reason is ... brain and thought breaks; like 'page breaks' in a paper document.

they're already decompressing a lot. when you detect they're down to normal levels, give them a hug like you NF's do best.

Great ass friends' friendship bonus +10 points and a possible rare drop of the elusive INTP gratitude, appreciation, and sentiment.
 

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you know whats always helped me was somebody who would complain with me. The bitter complaining would eventually turn into sarcastic humor, then towards actual humor, then the whole situation a big joke.
 

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I would switch those around to First nakedness then food then cuddling. He needs to work up an appetite
Under normal circumstances I would agree, but he may need a little softening if he's mid-fume. You know, soothe the savage beast, warm it up a little, then all will be well.
 

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Hmm. Well, first off, he's probably trying to keep his shit together. INTPs *hate* letting that Fe monster off the leash, and when we're upset, Ti desperately tries to keep it under control. If it slips off the leash entirely, he'll probably withdraw as fast as he can so he doesn't take it out on you. If he does that, let him. He'll come back once Ti has it under control again.

If he's capable of talking about it, let him talk about it, run down a bit. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to touch him, but you may need to ask some leading questions.

After he's got it under control, what he'd really want, I think, is to have somebody go over his actions, and see if he did the Right Thing. I'm assuming, here, that he's mainly upset with himself, which I think would probably be the case if he's got that much of a head of steam. Our Ti gives a Thing about our own competence. We want to be able to handle the situation with as much finesse as we can, make the people we care about happy. (Fe) We're very hard on ourselves if we think there was something the slightest bit off with our performance. So it would probably help a lot for somebody to walk us through our actions, and see if there was anything that we could have done different.

The key thing here is to be *honest*. Don't be overly critical, but don't try to sugar-coat the truth either. INTPs have just as good bullshit detection sensors as INFPs (even if they are a bit different - focused on the facts, rather than on emotional authenticity). If he thinks you're trying to be polite, he won't trust you when you tell him he did the Right Thing. If he did turn in a less than completely optimal performance, help him to see that it isn't his fault, and help him come up with ways he can do better next time.

When I say "don't be overly critical," the main thing I mean is that you should assume he acted on good faith on his part. His motivations were good, and he did try to turn in the best performance he could. Critique his performance, not him, if that makes any sense.

After that, *then* the cuddling.

It's possible that he's pissed at somebody else, probably because they insulted his competence or *him*, rather than his actions or his ideas. Or because they hurt somebody he cares about. In which case, then thing to do is to help him plot revenge. The more ridiculous, the better.
 

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you know whats always helped me was somebody who would complain with me. The bitter complaining would eventually turn into sarcastic humor, then towards actual humor, then the whole situation a big joke.
That can help too :) Black humor is a Ti thing, helps get the Fe under control. (If he ever cracks sick jokes during a horror movie, that's why.) Main question is - is he primarily pissed at himself, or at someone else?
 

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黐線 ~Chiseen~
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I asked my SF friend to go grab ice cream after work... she said she had no money... i said that's fine, i'll cover... she agreed to okay and send me a text after she gets off work... I needed someone to sit and listen to all the work troubles that i have bottled up right now as she's the one who could keep secrets...

after work came, no text, no call... I sent a text saying 'you went home, didn't you...'... she sent a text back saying 'omg... so sorry... my dad called and i forgot'...

I hardly ever ask for favors... but she should not have used her 'shake off unwanted guys' line on me. I deleted her from my phone.

I'm tired of this shit of friends who makes promises to be friends but fails to fall through. Man I'm soooooo fucking angry tonight... I'm gonna take a cold shower to calm down.
 

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I asked my SF friend to go grab ice cream after work... she said she had no money... i said that's fine, i'll cover... she agreed to okay and send me a text after she gets off work... I needed someone to sit and listen to all the work troubles that i have bottled up right now as she's the one who could keep secrets...

after work came, no text, no call... I sent a text saying 'you went home, didn't you...'... she sent a text back saying 'omg... so sorry... my dad called and i forgot'...

I hardly ever ask for favors... but she should not have used her 'shake off unwanted guys' line on me. I deleted her from my phone.

I'm tired of this shit of friends who makes promises to be friends but fails to fall through. Man I'm soooooo fucking angry tonight... I'm gonna take a cold shower to calm down.
Heh, I swear, I need backup friends.... NFs are awesome, but they are sometimes busy. Can't say I blame them, but... Did she get that this was the freakin' Batsignal and not a, hey, I just want to hang out?
 

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黐線 ~Chiseen~
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Heh, I swear, I need backup friends.... NFs are awesome, but they are sometimes busy. Can't say I blame them, but... Did she get that this was the freakin' Batsignal and not a, hey, I just want to hang out?
i asked her yesterday too. used a different family excuse. observation catches on very quickly. responses are non genuine and fake.

too many instances of benefit of the doubts to be coincidental. shunned and removed.
 
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