[raj]

scenario today: "you should wear your hair down. just one day. can you imagine all of the compliments you'd get? it would look nice, everyone would like it."

uhhh.. no thanks. i am not motivated or fueled by compliments, whether it be the desire to receive them, or the affect they have on me. (sometimes they're nice, of course, but it's always an awkward exchange, and i would almost always rather do without.)

and no offense, but all of these "i LoVe INFJss!!" threads are killing me! fuck. i don't know if i'm the odd (wo)man out, but i am kindof a cold and guarded person toward others. and even if i did relate to all of the nice things people say about INFJs, i really do not appreciate hearing it. compliments seem so fake and forced to me.



it feels like everybody lives for this, to be noticed and liked. damn. get over yourself. get over what other people think. i hate looking around and seeing this superficial, media-conquered society wallowing knee-deep in shit that really doesn't matter. i wish people's focus was geared more toward things that could make a difference to others in this world, and less towards jersey shore.

 

[Filigeedreamer]

scenario today: "you should wear your hair down. just one day. can you imagine all of the compliments you'd get? it would look nice, everyone would like it."

uhhh.. no thanks. i am not motivated or fueled by compliments, whether it be the desire to receive them, or the affect they have on me. (sometimes they're nice, of course, but it's always an awkward exchange, and i would almost always rather do without.)

and no offense, but all of these "i LoVe INFJss!!" threads are killing me! fuck. i don't know if i'm the odd (wo)man out, but i am kindof a cold and guarded person toward others. and even if i did relate to all of the nice things people say about INFJs, i really do not appreciate hearing it. compliments seem so fake and forced to me.



it feels like everybody lives for this, to be noticed and liked. damn. get over yourself. get over what other people think. i hate looking around and seeing this superficial, media-conquered society wallowing knee-deep in shit that really doesn't matter. i wish people's focus was geared more toward things that could make a difference to others in this world, and less towards jersey shore.

I just skim over anything I consider overly touchy feely ect. (so no, you are not entirly alone on that front) Different people are into different things, you don't have to read it, and they don't have to read your posts if they arn't into them. Live and let live...viva la difference...and all those other tired old cliques.

As to compliments, I understand what you mean about seeming superfical. I don't like that either, but an honest compliment? I think it is a good thing.

Putting a little more care and honesty into the world, to me, does make a difference to it, even if it is only a small one. :happy:

 

[PaulH]

I agree with you about authenticity in compliments. Although I don't begrudge anyone who is genuinely trying to make the world spin a little more easily on it's axis. We need more people like that!

From a management perspective (sorry to take this into the world of work) the key is not just to give a compliment but to relate it specifically to the thing the person has done and what positive impact that has. That raises it above the level of nice touchy feely stuff to the level of something the person can actually use to help develop their skills further - it makes the compliment useful as well as nice.

 

[fire469]

Is it just a general INFJ thing to hate compliments? Sure sometimes or every once in a while a little compliment is nice :happy: but when used excessively, randomly, awkwardly, or anything similar to those types, I find myself not knowing what to do usually or in some cases even sad... :sad: I don't exactly know why... It's mostly when I'm called pretty or something like that.

Could it be because I'm trying to push everyone out...?

 

[quietly]

I feel the same way about compliments. A lot of what people say to me sounds insincere. Being complimented on something I have done is concrete and empirical, whereas being complimented on my looks is just weird. I seem to have an innate understanding if people are being truthful or not, or if they are saying something nice just to say it. In the words of Plato: Wise men speak because they have something to say. Fools speak because they have to say something.

 

[Jasette]

When it's someone who doesn't know me, as it often (though not always) is on forums, I just shrug it off, because they have no idea what they're talking about. When it's someone I know, care about and trust, I take it to heart, no matter the situation. They know what they're talking about. I don't claim to have the highest self esteem in the world, but I do think in the grand scheme of things I'm pretty awesome. So when someone compliments me, it's like they're affirming my perception of reality, which in my book is pretty important.

If you completely disregard the opinions of the entire world, I don't think you're really living. I guess that sort of accompanies my philosophy of the meaning of life -- human connection. My idea of heaven is one where we all have an absolute understanding and love for one another... a complete, impenetrable connection, because to me, God is love, and so is heaven. We spend so much of our lives fighting to understand, mediate, cooperate, compromise... that's politics, religion, philosophy... relationships, conversations of any kind.

So when someone has a vague notion of what they're talking about, is absolutely sincere, and compliments me, I really do take it to heart. Because it means the reality of my life, for them, is a positive one for some reason. From the way they understand it, I am worthy of praise. I wouldn't want anyone to devalue my reality, and I certainly wouldn't want to devalue someone else's, especially (although this is selfish) if their reality deems me a positive influence on their life and worthy of praise. If they know what they're talking about, I don't feel awkward, I feel honored.

EDIT: I'm not saying I always adhere to the wishes of others so I can gain the most compliments. I'm saying make I make my own choices, and when those choices are complimented, I tend to enjoy it, based on the reasoning above.

 

[yellowbritt]

I used to hear this sort of thing a lot. It drove me crazy! And still from time to time someone will ask why I don't change my hair, or show off my legs more, or whatever. I can't convince them that their suggesting it is not adequate motivation for me to follow through and put forth an effort.

I think these people are trying to be nice, of course. Some people really enjoy trying new hair styles or whatever. And some people probably think you'll appreciate them making suggestions for how to play up your good features. I know it's annoying, but I think (generally) such comments are meant well.

 

[LiteratureNerd]

Is it just a general INFJ thing to hate compliments? Sure sometimes or every once in a while a little compliment is nice :happy: but when used excessively, randomly, awkwardly, or anything similar to those types, I find myself not knowing what to do usually or in some cases even sad... :sad: I don't exactly know why... It's mostly when I'm called pretty or something like that.

Could it be because I'm trying to push everyone out...?

Hrm...I've had those same reactions before myself. Is it maybe because you don't trust their "sincerity" or that you wonder what the person's real intentions are in complimenting you?

I get wary of compliments myself, though I do admit I like the ones that I know are honest and sincere. However, if it's somebody I don't know who's bordering on flattery, I'm wondering if they're simply saying it because they have an ulterior motive. That immediately makes me put my guard up and makes me think, "Alright, what do you REALLY want, punk? Just come out and say it." :laughing:

Are you maybe experiencing the same thing?

Also, I always seem to get this strange feeling of "vulnerability" when someone compliments me. I have NO idea why I do - I somehow get it in my head that graciously accepting said compliment will somehow put me in a weird position. I think that's just me over-analyzing, when what I really need to say is, "For god's sake, Self, would you just take the friggin' compliment?!"

 

[Sina]

You have jumped from compliments to a fairly expressed criticism of large-scale media propagated superficiality, insincerity, materialism and so on. Expressing and receiving sincere appreciation and doing something that makes a difference are not mutually exclusive. Here's the point, not every compliment is insincere. Yes, it's annoying to be told that you should do something because it will attract praise ("fishing for compliments" *eyeroll*). I see what you are saying there. I would find it silly if someone said that to me, and I'd tell them I do things to please myself not to attract compliments.

Having said that, I don't relate to your generalized dislike/suspicion of compliments and whatever you are saying about threads geared towards saying INFJs are cool/intriguing etc. I won't automatically assume insincerity here or in real life. I can give lofty extravagant compliments WHEN I find someone worthy of them. There are times when I can tell a compliment is an insincere formality, and I just laugh inside. Who cares? When it's sincere and well-meaning, I appreciate it and life moves on. When it's insincere, the person has revealed a bit of their sychophancy. Either way, it's not my loss. I don't think it's fair to assume that compliments are fake and forced, in general. I have a friend whom I complimented on her emotional intelligence, and her reply was "ah, you are lying". It wasn't the first time she had made such a dismissive and suspicious remark. I was very offended by such mistrust, and that was pretty much the last time I said something along the lines of a compliment, to her. Not saying you do this, but it would be good to realize that not every compliment is fake and forced though it may seem that way to you.