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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hey Gentlemen, so I really need your help. I really want to confess to a special male INTJ that I like him on Valentine's Day next week. I want to hear your input, and whether or not you think it's worthwhile.

So I think this shy INTJ likes me but I'm not really sure, let's call him A. Anyway, A, out of nowhere a few weeks ago when my back was turned to him in a busy room just started talking to me from across the room, asking me if I had a full year lease, as if I had already been in a conversation with him. I finally turned around after a long pause, after no one answered his question, because I realized he had been talking to me. When I said, "No." he steered the conversation in the direction of getting me to move to this apartment complex that he and a bunch of people in our community are moving to. I feel like the fact that he randomly cares where I'm going to live next year means that he wants to see my face again, so that's a good sign.
I feel like that's the biggest piece of evidence that he might like me. But I read that you INTJs really cover up your signals, so it's hard to tell. I want to plan this fantasy masquerade party for my community so at a game night last Friday, I handed him a letter with all the reasons why I thought he'd work well with me on it as my Vice President of Party (i.e. he's logical, can tear a bad idea to shreds, is honest, into fantasy books, detail-oriented since he's an engineer, whereas I'm spacey and oblivious, etc.) At first he was like, "Why me?" But he didn't say no. In fact, I stayed for a few minutes more at the game night, and while I did, he hovered a little bit, and picked on me when I played a crappy game of chess against this other guy (so A was watching my game).
On Sunday, our friends were hanging out together all day, but whenever I was near him, I noticed he purposely DID NOT LOOK AT ME. And at a Super Bowl Party that evening, I approached him and a group of guys in the kitchen, and he stared directly into space when I asked him a direct question, so he answered the question but couldn't look at me. I thought I caught him passing glances at me that night, but that could have been him scanning the room (I could be wrong, since he has this weird ability where he notices where everybody is like ALL the time, he's really weird and perceptive like that... So he could have just been glancing around the room, and maybe I was interpreting it as him looking at me because I'm just so clueless that that ability strikes awe inside of me)

I think he might like me, but he's even told me that he's scared of girls (i.e. they make him nervous), really insecure, and has struggled with self-confidence and socially awkwardness.

I feel like it's obvious that I need to make the first move if I want anything to ever happen, even though this goes against what I was taught (conservative background, women pursued by men). I naturally tease every guy friend around me, so I'm sure he might just feel like my signals are the signals I give to everyone (when in fact, I only get nervous inside when I look at him).




ANYWAYS.

So, I wrote a really long list that I want to put in his mailbox (we're neighbors) on the 14th.

That list is entitled "100 Reasons Why I Like You" and it proceeds to spell out all the things I find attractive, funny, or memorable about him. I've only known him a little better than acquaintance level for about a month. Our community that I keep referring to is a very conservative community, but I've heard some girls differ on the issue of confessing feelings to men.



But I want to throw this question at you gentlemen.

Would you like it if the girl that you knew was your natural opposite on the Myers Briggs Personality test left a huge fat envelope stuffed with reasons why she liked you in your mailbox on Valentine's day?

I feel like confessing it to his face would just destroy me inside, like I'd freeze up and choke. And he'd probably get really nervous too. So I feel like a letter confession where he can just sit down, read it, and let it sink in would be best for both of us.
But is 100 reasons too much? I feel like it would be very nice to receive that as a valentine anyway with that many compliments inside, especially since one of my friends told me, "He probably thinks nobody would ever like him." I'd like that if someone did that for me. But I don't want to smother him or make him uninterested!


PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR INPUT, I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT THIS AND WHETHER IT'S RIGHT OR NOT THAT I CANNOT STUDY :(


This is would be a very bold move, even for someone as outgoing as me. But I can't help myself, I love you introverts, you're so mysterious and intelligent!



Edit: I forgot to mention That he said once that he would mind a relationship with his natural opposite.
 

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Hhhmmm...

Would you like it if the girl that you knew was your natural opposite on the Myers Briggs Personality test left a huge fat envelope stuffed with reasons why she liked you in your mailbox on Valentine's day?

I feel like confessing it to his face would just destroy me inside, like I'd freeze up and choke. And he'd probably get really nervous too. So I feel like a letter confession where he can just sit down, read it, and let it sink in would be best for both of us.
But is 100 reasons too much? I feel like it would be very nice to receive that as a valentine anyway with that many compliments inside, especially since one of my friends told me, "He probably thinks nobody would ever like him." I'd like that if someone did that for me. But I don't want to smother him or make him uninterested!
If it is just the list and nothing else, I'd probably be left confused in a state of, "So what?" as really there is the question of what do you intend for me to do with this information. Am I to call you and talk for hours on end about stuff? Am I to plan a date and make a big production out of this? Really, what are you wanting him to do back and if you can request specific forms of communication or times this is helpful. While you may see this as a move, I'd prefer to think of it as preventing the ugly mother of all rejections that may well be how he'd see some of this. You wanted how an INTJ would see this and this is how I'd see it.

I don't think 100 is too much, IF you can give what you want him to do next and logical reasons for doing so. Giving that clear, "Hey, over here!" signal isn't smothering and with only one letter I doubt he'd be traumatized by it though I could be wrong. The logical reasoning may be a challenge but that is part of the fun in a new relationship. A logical reason could be to get some exercise together to improve your health or it could just be an exploration that you'd like to do and could he just indulge you on this for a little while. Those kinds of things though if you want a few more just ask and I'll probably be able to list about 10 with little effort I'd imagine.
 

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INFP confessed to me via letter. It definitely induced a cozy feeling inside, but beyond that it took the situational pressure off because I could sit down, read it, ferment in the emotion of it all, take time to analyze my own feelings, and plan a response. Spur of the moment confession would have left me murmuring and red-faced unfortunately or cold and off-putting just to sqaush the chance of being "smothered" i.e. facing my feelings in public. It seems as though a similar or worse response is capable of coming from this person you admire, so my biased two cents is a letter is a good idea...though I'd probably wait a bit. It took a while for me to be sure and develop my feelings...basing your attraction on one month of knowing a person is unwise esp. when INTJ males are slow to wade in. A straight ist of 100 reasons might be impersonal.

It'd perhaps be wise to say some of things you said here. I don't want to overwhelm you or do anything that'll make you feel pressured or forced. You're beholden to no one's expectations but you're own..be happy, follow your heart, yadda yadda. Be sure to prime a response from him, i.e. let me know if you need space...but give me some kind of signal.
Good luck :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #4
:blushed:
If it is just the list and nothing else, I'd probably be left confused in a state of, "So what?" as really there is the question of what do you intend for me to do with this information. Am I to call you and talk for hours on end about stuff? Am I to plan a date and make a big production out of this? Really, what are you wanting him to do back and if you can request specific forms of communication or times this is helpful. While you may see this as a move, I'd prefer to think of it as preventing the ugly mother of all rejections that may well be how he'd see some of this. You wanted how an INTJ would see this and this is how I'd see it.

I don't think 100 is too much, IF you can give what you want him to do next and logical reasons for doing so. Giving that clear, "Hey, over here!" signal isn't smothering and with only one letter I doubt he'd be traumatized by it though I could be wrong. The logical reasoning may be a challenge but that is part of the fun in a new relationship. A logical reason could be to get some exercise together to improve your health or it could just be an exploration that you'd like to do and could he just indulge you on this for a little while. Those kinds of things though if you want a few more just ask and I'll probably be able to list about 10 with little effort I'd imagine.

Any help you could give me would be much appreciated! Thanks for your response.
 

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I know I'm not a guy and probably can't give the input you're looking for, but I agree with jbking. If I were to receive a list like that, I'd still be unsure of what my next move should be and what the other person was looking for, assuming I am indeed interested.

While I personally feel like I'd be a bit overwhelmed by 100 compliments (definitely flattered, but overwhelmed), I think you're on the right track with at least sending them in a letter and giving him the time alone to take it all in.
 
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Time for some logic....

Ok, so now for a few more logical reasons to get together though I can only think of 5 at the moment:

1. Exercise together. This could be just a walk, riding bikes together or a few other things where it may be useful to do this together and see what kind of communicative dynamic do you have together.

2. Curiosity to be resolved. While this may appear to be an emotional plea, isn't it good to know something rather than always wonder, "What if?" There can also be the learning more about each other here that can be explored and questions answered. Educational content can work as a side plot if needed.

3. Eating together. Everyone has to eat and sometimes a meal can be better with company.

4. Seeing a movie, play, or concert. Granted this may not induce conversation immediately but it could be good to discuss afterward.

5. Meet for coffee or drinks. This is similar to eating only instead of a meal this is more of just sitting together and talking in a coffee shop or pub.

A key point here is to not put any pressure in getting a response right away as there may be some bumbling that you may find funny or enjoyable that may feel like torture to him for having the awkwardness. I'd also be tempted to point out here that there are likely to be a ton of emotions in him around having this get together though he may or may not show it. I know I tend to express emotion rather easily and thus can be a big romantic sap for some of this kind of stuff so I'd be the type to roll over and be like, "Yes! She likes me, she likes me. Who does she like? Me, baby!" kind of thing.
 

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Hm. I'm internally debating whether or not I'd prefer a letter to a face-to-face statement. Neither seems just quite right.

I suppose.... if you were to do it face-to-face, I'd suggest you dive in and be direct, they would likely be equally direct after a minute or two of thinking (silence or stuttering during that processing time not necessarily being a bad thing here).

If you were to write a letter, I think that a list of 100 things would get very tedious. Perhaps a list of 15-30 would be more suited with a paragraph or two of follow-up that amongst your statements of feelings or whatnot also explains how you'd like to proceed and perhaps briefly explains why you picked that approach.

I would also make room for the possibility that he says no, to which you may also want to explain how you'd want to proceed, including how would be best to say it. I'll say this much, when I was rejected by an ENFP (because they were literally unaware that I was flirting), despite being told that she wanted to remain friends and that this wasn't the first occurence of such a thing, and having believed both statements, I find myself quite awkward around her. It's been about a year now and because I lack the internal guidance to recover from that while remaining at talking distance to the person, we unfortunately see less of each other now. I would explicitly state that if his answer is no, that it's completely ok to continue talking to you (perhaps given a short period of time to recover first), and to otherwise maintain your socialization to the same level that it's currently at, or else he might drift away.

Now, to move past that, I think that there's a very decent chance that he'll accept your proposal, from what you've written, he does sound interested in more. Either way though, I'd probably feel (I'm gasping at the fact that I've used that word) awesome after some time to contemplate. Even if my answer was no, based on your description it sounds like I'd find it an amusing and ego-building experience, and otherwise be generally happy that it happened, even if I was confounded by what to do next.

Agh. I dunno, I definitely agree with jbking though, I'd need a little guidance for all potential outcomes.
 
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I just have one short point to make. I'm not sure how other INTJ's feel, but expressing something on a hallmark holiday would make me avoid you, since I don't do holidays, especially pointless one's like that. If someone were to approach me on that day specifically, it may be a deal breaker since that would tell me, that you believe in traditional things and you go with the flow of what most of society does. I think expressing your love/fondness should be a given on a consistent basis. Why does it take a consumer "holiday" to do so? Anyways, for me it would trigger something to the effect of, "I'm flattered, but meh, nothing new or different and probably not an original thinking person...." That would be my first impression of you, but that's just me. There may be some INTJ's who are actually into that sort of thing and don't mind it, who's to say? *shrug* You probably have a good read on him though, if you are going this far.
 

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I didn't read all of that original post, but I can tell you that waiting for a holiday like that is pretty lame. Just send him a text or email right now. I would be turned right off by a big expression of like/love on Valentine's Day. Sort of like what @antiant is saying... I wouldn't want any relationship where those kinds of celebrations are standard.
 

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If you're going to do it, don't do it on Valentine's day. That will make them think you're incapable of doing things without some arbitrary thing to dictate your actions for you.

...And telling them outright might get a better response that leaving a note full of things. It'd probably be better to just go places with them, and maybe bring it up randomly.
 

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If you're going to do it, don't do it on Valentine's day. That will make them think you're incapable of doing things without some arbitrary thing to dictate your actions for you.
Eh. I happen to disagree with the others, I'd probably welcome your interest on any day, though I would need it to be quite evident that you were serious about it and that it wasn't just a valentine's day whim... but it sounds like you'd be doing that.

...And telling them outright might get a better response that leaving a note full of things. It'd probably be better to just go places with them, and maybe bring it up randomly.
Yeah, this is sorta what I was thinking of in my first post
 

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All great advice. A girl once did this to me and it was overwhelming (I was ten though :p).

Can't you just text him and say he think he is cool and feed him the list one a day otherwise he might suspect your sincerity. A big annoucement on a big day would be too much to handle I think. But thats just me.
 
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But I want to throw this question at you gentlemen.

Would you like it if the girl that you knew was your natural opposite on the Myers Briggs Personality test left a huge fat envelope stuffed with reasons why she liked you in your mailbox on Valentine's day?

I feel like confessing it to his face would just destroy me inside, like I'd freeze up and choke. And he'd probably get really nervous too. So I feel like a letter confession where he can just sit down, read it, and let it sink in would be best for both of us.
But is 100 reasons too much? I feel like it would be very nice to receive that as a valentine anyway with that many compliments inside, especially since one of my friends told me, "He probably thinks nobody would ever like him." I'd like that if someone did that for me. But I don't want to smother him or make him uninterested!


PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR INPUT, I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT THIS AND WHETHER IT'S RIGHT OR NOT THAT I CANNOT STUDY :(

This is would be a very bold move, even for someone as outgoing as me. But I can't help myself, I love you introverts, you're so mysterious and intelligent!

Edit: I forgot to mention That he said once that he would mind a relationship with his natural opposite.
INTJs don't ask random people to live with them. INTJs don't ask people to live with them if they might be useful. They're way to independant for that. He definitely has an interest in you.

Try touching his arm or something just to make sure. If he doesn't cringe, your chances are good.

It's a good idea though. I agree with everything @jbking and @PseudoSenator already said. 100 is a lot of writing though. You should trim it down to a few really good ones. Also, try to dial it down a more platonic tone for now. He'll probably spook easy as his failure to make eye contact this Sunday suggests. Keep it open to go that direction though. Don't just list, write a bit at the end stating your intentions.

Don't smother him but you will have to chase him around for a bit. When he gets his bearings though, all you have to do is say a word and he'll find a way to make anything happen.
 

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Ask him if he wants to go out with you on valentines. Make it casual, but don't leave any ambiguity in it -- or he'll probably misread your intentions and think you just want to hang out with a friend.

Just saying that you like him is overly passive-aggressive, it puts the pressure on him to like you in return and then ask you out.

I'd recommend going to the movies or somewhere of a similar location, don't go somewhere that would require a lot of talking -- like dinner where you only have conversation as entertainment.
We have to get comfortable being around you, before we can begin socializing face-to-face (sometimes that happens quickly, but sometimes...).

Remember, we are your opposites. We aren't good with reading people's intentions, we aren't good at coversation or small talk -- but, if opposites attract, then you'll be fine.


And serious, don't stress, we are far from the kind of people to freak out from things.
We are as cool as ice.

EDIT: And I didn't read you post, I'm not going to either. Tooboku did, and he's usually on the ball, so listen to him.
 
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My opinion is that he is on to you.
Toobuku suggesting to touch his arm, it might not work for all INTJ (in my case, I don't even notice it)
My advice, as stated before for most part:
Don't wait the V day, it's lame, and you will get a direct refusal if it were me (simply it is a stupid day, never understood it).
Choose in your list the ones you like the most about him, ten should be enough.
Let him know your expectations at the end (date, maybe as a start for the V day but not only).
Let him know you are open to any kind of answer, be it positive, negative or even indecisive. It will make him more at ease (but I can see the turmoil the poor guy might have to go through to reach a decision)
Wait for his answer, don't pressure him, he has to come on his own. You might not see him for a couple of days after you provide him the letter, it is because he is processing the info, and it is not an easy process (only if he didn't expected it that is).

Just my 2 cents
 

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Don't . or at least don't do it on valentine's day ...
 

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You should be mindful of the hate Valentine's Day seems to garner, even if you don't subscribe to it yourself. Don't think all INTJs feel that way about it though. Personally, I have no problem with the day, beyond its 'Hallmark' quality. I don't let that detract from the other aspects and symbolism the day has to offer. Then again, I'm a bit of a romantic.

I would be worried about coming on too strong with the 100 reasons. You've making a bold enough move by virtue of the timing alone, and compounding that with what would also be a huge romantic gesture may overwhelm him. If you're set on the date of delivery, you may want to consider toning it down and making your wants more specific. Valentine's itself speaks volumes, so you don't need to really worry about 'magnitude' so much, so to speak. It's going to be clear you really like him without going so far as to give him a hundred reasons why. ;)

Being direct won't offer you much of a safety net, but being vague in your wants and expectations may cause him to defer to being passive. You're probably right about avoiding the face-to-face confession for both your sakes, but you can still be direct with your letter or e-mail. Definitely tell him what you want, but do let him know it's okay if his wants or needs don't mesh with yours. That may seem a bit wishy-washy and contradict the advice to be direct, but it will go a long way toward taking some of the pressure away.

Good luck, and I hope things work out for the best for you and your INTJ.
 
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Seriously, given the situation, I don't think v-day is totally uncalled for. It's probably even appropriate and chances are, it may be a welcome surprise given this particular fellow's history. There would be a little shock at first but if delivered in letter format, at least you give him time to absorb it.
 

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Sounds like he does (probably) like you. That first conversation seems typical of INTJ awkwardness. ENFPs usually have to initiate at first in INTJ/ENFP relationships, and this will be especially true if he has low self-confidence.
You definitely need to cut down on the list - quality over quantity. You shouldn't have more than 20 on it (even10 would be fine), just make them well thought out. (Bonus points if there's some special meaning to the number). Make sure your explicit that you have romantic intentions - the word 'like' is terribly ambiguous and he might think you're just being friendly as part of Valentine's Day. Ask him to tell you if he likes you - that way he knows what's expected of him. Also, be prepared for him to disappear for about a week while he tries to understand how he feels.
I definitely agree that it shouldn't be done on Valentine's Day - doing so only dilutes the meaning. Give it to him either before or after (not within one day though, or he'll think you couldn't wait or couldn't muster up the courage to do so on the 14th). After would probably be better, since if you do it before he'll feel pressured on VD. I wouldn't be surprised if he actually gets a bit down on VD, given his low self-esteem. Given this, receiving it after would be best as the emotion will be juxtaposed rather nicely.
 

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As has been mentioned before. Maybe cut down the list if you can, and valentines is probably not the ideal day to do it. If I got something like this on valentines day I would probably feel pressured to respond with haste, which is not something I would like to do. I would need time to think about things. Though it's possible he already has thought about things.

All in all I think it's a good idea though.
 
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