Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 38 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm an infp straight male. From what I have read being an infp male is the exact opposite of what people expect from a man. Too sensitive and too emotional. I've never met another infp male or female but it seems to me that most infp males I read about hate the part of themselves that make them most unique. I know I'm too sensitive at times but I'm never ashamed of it. what is wrong with not wanting to hurt others for personal gain or not being hurt? If someone hurts me why am I expected to not show it? I think that infp males have a lot of built up emotion or surpressed emotions that they can't express because they feel it would be weird if they did. I don't really know what is expected of being a typical male in this society but to me being a man means being honest to yourself and others. To be respectful to yourself and others and to never be afraid of saying what you think or feel.

Any thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,801 Posts
Good post on promoting a positive self image.

TBH I've wrestled with accepting the attributes of my temperament. At one point I tried to deny it, then I embraced in whilst denying my disposition towards 'masculinity', and now I'm in the process of synthesizing these 2 aspects of my temperament.

I have noticed that many INFP men here either seem to have a resentment for 'alpha' males traits, or are ashamed of their INFP disposition. I now try to appreciate both, admiring qualities from each disposition. It has actually helped me to feel more connected to other men, and I enjoy talking with men who have 'alpha' traits, and deeply introverted, sensitive guys.

IME and IMO INFP men seem to have a dispostion towards a greater degree of emotional volatility than the average guy. But that's only a difference of degree, most men have a rich emotional life. Men in general have been socialized to numb and suppress emotional expression (other than aggression).

Here's a great site about integrating masculinity and sensitivity in case anyone is interested;

Highly Sensitive Men
 

·
Registered
INFP 648 sx/sp
Joined
·
2,937 Posts
I think that infp males have a lot of built up emotion or surpressed emotions that they can't express because they feel it would be weird if they did.
Honestly I think this applies to most men. A bunch of women too. To INFP men more? I like to think so, but I think I'd be generalising far too much to just say yes. Many men struggle with this. Maybe many don't feel it as deeply, but that doesn't diminish from the fact.

Not that I disagree with your sentiment at all. I find it sad that anyone should deny themselves their true being in order to appease a perceived desirable image of themselves, and INFP dudes often struggle with this greatly.

I have come to a few simple conclusions on the subject matter if you will excuse the vulgarities:
- What society demands of men is illogical counterproductive bullshit.
- What my perception is of what society demands of men is bullshit as well.
- I do not fit this 'popular stereotype', if you will. In fact it is my polar opposite in many ways.
- Therefore the popular stereotype is harmful to me, and, to me, is thus bullshit.
- Plenty of people also share this view.
- Conclusion: Do what I damn well please and value what I am. Hang out with people who do likewise. I have my strengths and weaknesses as an INFP and I accept them all and try to love myself for who I am.

But really this applies to everyone. Some people really feel that pressure. They feel hated because they do not see themselves as normal, and I am very sorry they feel that way...many female INFPs too I've noticed hating on their INFP-ness. Although yeah, I agree with your original point. I've noticed a ton of male INFPs in particular openly wishing they were another type, something less emotional and to them, more 'normal'. I used to be a bit like that a couple of years ago, at a point I had no self-esteem whatsoever, but I've since decided the concept of 'normal' is also bullshit and I've ceased to care for the opinions of people who tell me to be more 'normal'.

One's personality has, in my opinion, absolutely no bearing whatsoever on one's ability to be a genuinely good and indeed a genuinely strong person. Write poetry, spew rainbows, kick ass, chew gum. If that's your style.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,245 Posts
An area I have considered many a time as a Highly Sensitive Person...still a work in progress when time and place are often indicators of when to be more logical and when to incorporate empathic awareness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,549 Posts
I hate the idea that what is between someone's legs is supposed to determine how they should behave, when in fact that is influenced a lot more by what's between their ears. While I have nothing against alpha males, I would prefer to date a more expressive and artsy man. But mostly, I like people, male and female, who are themselves, not trying to prove how "normal" they are or even how "different" from normal they are.
And, if there are 9, 16, 25, or however many personality types out there, and each of them represents a lot of different sorts of people, then it seems a bit silly to just have two really narrow categories of male and female to put everyone into and expect all the males to act the same way and all the females to act the same way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,885 Posts
I actually feel that I've denied my masculine side more; that I've never had the confidence to develop a part of myself which is important. I never played sports and never had any male friends that I grew up with either. At the same time though I am not some extremely sensitive emotional guy either. I appear non-emotional actually, and I do not like showing them. However, internally I am emotional and intense.

WORDS COMMONLY USED TO DESCRIBE FEMININITY
•dependent
•emotional
•passive
•sensitive
•quiet
•graceful
•innocent
•weak
•flirtatious
•nurturing
•self-critical
•soft
•sexually submissive
•accepting


WORDS COMMONLY USED TO DESCRIBE MASCULINITY
•independent
•non-emotional
•aggressive
•tough-skinned
•competitive
•clumsy
•experienced
•strong
•active
•self-confident
•hard
•sexually aggressive
•rebellious
From the list above I have both masculine and feminine traits. It is clear from this list though that our definitions of masculinity and femininity are completely unrealistic and utterly bogus!! I see no reason at all why any of those terms above are particularly masculine or particularly feminine. It runs much more deeper and psychologically than these terms which are nothing but absurd discriminations that are hateful towards men (for being "aggressive") and rejecting of women (for being "weak").

It would be great if we could better understand masculinity and femininity better, but I really wish people would quit stereotyping, placing stupid labels on one another and declaring that men are supposed to behave in this certain way whilst women are supposed to behave in this other way. Further I really wish that men themselves would quit knocking down masculinity and men who are masculine as being jerks and aggressive, that's just another stupid stereotype and it isn't helpfull either, because it just adds more social stigma against men. It creates two categories for people to stigmatise, which you can either be in and I don't think many would like to be in either.

1. Weak, sensitive, overly emotional sissy boys.

2. Overly aggressive, arrogant, insensitive jackasses

Yes people of both those types might exist, but for the most part they are pathetic stereotypes. I am sure that none of us here would like to be regarded as weak and 'sissy' or actually without meaning to offend at all what we usually get called is 'gay' simply because of having some traits seen as 'feminine' which are not really, and because of being introverts. It would not be nice either to be on the flip side of the coin and be regarded as being aggressive, obnoxious and ignorant when you compleltely are not. We need to back off and have more respect for each other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
258 Posts
Regarding that list...

Just because you are a guy, doesn't mean you can't exhibit sensitivity and be emotional. The point is that, men don't show it whereas woman freely do. Men can be sensitive and emotional, but when a situation arises and you have to be rational, it's masculine to ACT logical, detached and down-to-earth. It's not about being, it's about showing.

I don't see quiet as being feminine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,885 Posts
Regarding that list...

Just because you are a guy, doesn't mean you can't exhibit sensitivity and be emotional.
I know, and that isn't something I said. I agree with you actually.

Although if a man can be sensitive and emotional and a women can be sensitive and emotional then neither of those traits are masculine or feminine.

The point is that, men don't show it whereas woman freely do. Men can be sensitive and emotional, but when a situation arises and you have to be rational, it's masculine to ACT logical, detached and down-to-earth. It's not about being, it's about showing.
Still don't agree with that definition either. Women do not freely show it, they are just exactly the same as men on the issue. It's hardly masculine to act logical, rational, down-to-earth and detached when you have to its just logical.

I really don't think I am ever going to agree with anyones definitions of masculinity and femininity though. I don't like people saying women are like this and men are like that. I think it's more hormonal of which we have degrees of both male and female, but it's some kind of drive, some instinct. It's psychological and not everyone is going to react to it in the same way.

I don't see quiet as being feminine.
Neither do I. It's not my list I forgot to post the link

Gender Identity - Stereotypical Masculine & Feminine Traits
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
573 Posts
Ashamed of being INFP?! Discovering that I am INFP is the greatest thing I have ever found out! The world is more clearer to me, now, as are the people who live in it. I couldn't be more thankful for finding out who I am, why I act the way I do, why I feel the way I do, why I amz the way I amz! :crazy: Yeah, it is a downer to be so sensitive and whatnot, but I am thankful that God blessed me with this feeling to care as much as I do!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Please don't be sad, INFP guys are great :)

This is something I've heard from a lot of you INFP guys, about often feeling like you don't fit in with a stereotype of what is masculine and expected of men. I totally understand where you're coming from and I'm really not trying to invalidate you at all with my argument, but I always find it really interesting because even though many would argue that a lot of INFP traits are more "feminine" and what is expected of a girl/woman, I've never really felt like my INFP-ness makes me any more feminine or anymore accepted into a gender role (although that could just have nothing to do with MBTI and just be me being weird). In Western society there is a stigma around femininity (being emotional, sensitive, etc...) that affects everyone, doesn't matter your gender, because women are told to be like this and do that while men are told to be like that and do this, and if you do what the opposite gender is doing than you're told you're not a real man/woman, and effectively that you are worth less. This is obviously a counter-productive concept and much of what 3rd Wave Feminism is trying to get rid of, but that's research for you to do on your own. Basically, what I'm getting at is that even though it's "okay" for a woman to show her emotions (because, hey, women are supposed to be emotional, it's "what's expected"), much of society still looks down on it and it just feeds to a bigger problem, so it's hard for anybody in this situation with INFP personality traits to win.

My younger sister is an INTJ, and I've heard her express what is essentially these same sentiments in reverse. Think about it, what comes up when you think of INTJ stereotypes? They're analytic, critical, unsympathetic, often seen as arrogant, direct, geniuses but manipulative, etc., all traits that are seen as being "unfeminine" or negative when displayed by women (and some are viewed as negative when applied to anyone, and I am in no way trying to rag on INTJs or even saying that any of those descriptions are true, just using it as an example. Honestly, INTJs one of my favorite types even if they don't always like me or other INFPs in general.) Again, the problem isn't with us, it's outdated gender-norms that don't encompass real people, only caricatures and vast generalizations.

From my personal perspective, I'd much rather date somebody who accepts themselves and doesn't try to repress their emotions than a guy who tries to be something they're not and is "macho" only for the sake of being manly and fitting in.

Tl;dr, The problem isn't with you, society sucks, people are dumb sometimes, feminism is for everybody, etc.

[email protected] Not really related, but I'm sitting here giggling to myself because you're name and MBTI reminded me of this singer-songwriter Elliott Smith, who I have high suspicions was an INFP as well. Like I said, not related, but whatevs :proud:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
I'm an infp straight male. From what I have read being an infp male is the exact opposite of what people expect from a man. Too sensitive and too emotional. I've never met another infp male or female but it seems to me that most infp males I read about hate the part of themselves that make them most unique. I know I'm too sensitive at times but I'm never ashamed of it. what is wrong with not wanting to hurt others for personal gain or not being hurt? If someone hurts me why am I expected to not show it? I think that infp males have a lot of built up emotion or surpressed emotions that they can't express because they feel it would be weird if they did. I don't really know what is expected of being a typical male in this society but to me being a man means being honest to yourself and others. To be respectful to yourself and others and to never be afraid of saying what you think or feel.

Any thoughts?
Don't hate the part of yourself that makes you unique, and don't buy the crap about men can't be sensitive and still be men. I can't even adequately articulate how much I hate the way society has trained people to see empathy as weakness. I ardently contest that claim, because i certainly do not consider myself weak and I know with absolute certainty that I am an INFP, albeit a very unusual one (i think).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
328 Posts
I actually feel that I've denied my masculine side more; that I've never had the confidence to develop a part of myself which is important. I never played sports and never had any male friends that I grew up with either. At the same time though I am not some extremely sensitive emotional guy either. I appear non-emotional actually, and I do not like showing them. However, internally I am emotional and intense.



From the list above I have both masculine and feminine traits. It is clear from this list though that our definitions of masculinity and femininity are completely unrealistic and utterly bogus!! I see no reason at all why any of those terms above are particularly masculine or particularly feminine. It runs much more deeper and psychologically than these terms which are nothing but absurd discriminations that are hateful towards men (for being "aggressive") and rejecting of women (for being "weak").

It would be great if we could better understand masculinity and femininity better, but I really wish people would quit stereotyping, placing stupid labels on one another and declaring that men are supposed to behave in this certain way whilst women are supposed to behave in this other way. Further I really wish that men themselves would quit knocking down masculinity and men who are masculine as being jerks and aggressive, that's just another stupid stereotype and it isn't helpfull either, because it just adds more social stigma against men. It creates two categories for people to stigmatise, which you can either be in and I don't think many would like to be in either.

1. Weak, sensitive, overly emotional sissy boys.

2. Overly aggressive, arrogant, insensitive jackasses

Yes people of both those types might exist, but for the most part they are pathetic stereotypes. I am sure that none of us here would like to be regarded as weak and 'sissy' or actually without meaning to offend at all what we usually get called is 'gay' simply because of having some traits seen as 'feminine' which are not really, and because of being introverts. It would not be nice either to be on the flip side of the coin and be regarded as being aggressive, obnoxious and ignorant when you compleltely are not. We need to back off and have more respect for each other.
Great post! Realistically I am just a mix of traits in both lists too.

The male machismo ideal is a mental parasite and I think you can know it is hijacking your mind if you see (1) and (2) as unified categories that completely describe anyone at all or if they make you feel fear or disgust. I wish I could escape completely it but I think realistically it's going to take me a lot of time and patience to fully develop a faith in myself that I'm not the weak person I sometimes fear I am, that shame is not a legitimate experience of myself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I've been thinking a lot over this subject and I guess my main problem is that in general there seems to be very little understanding for anyone's feelings whether you are male female infp or whatever. I feel like there is a general lack of respect and kindness. Even when someone suffers a major personal crisis or loss you get a few weeks of sympathy and then you are expected to be normal again. I wish it was okay to express whatever emotions you are feeling. I wish that when you are happy people are happy with you and when you are sad people are sad with you. why is it demanded of everyone to put on some sort of facade of normality? I mean life can be shitty no matter who you are what you are or where you are. Aren't we all in this together?

@comaclismic thank you! The only Elliott I get compared to is Elliott the moose :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
Elliott, find yourself an INFJ ; ) We're all about empathy, and the moment you're sad, we're sad. Ditto on the happy! Really, I love my INFP man. And don't think he's "feminine" in the slightest. His ability to be caring, sympathetic, understand emotions, work hard to not upset people, act as a peacekeeper...incredibly wonderful traits that to me are VERY manly. Why? Because it makes me feel protected. Which is what EVERY woman wants in a man. Someone who's going to wrap them up and keep them safe from all the horrors of the world. My man is acutely aware and sensitive to those horrors, which makes me feel like he's always on guard for MY emotions.

I love that. INFPs are absolutely wonderful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,017 Posts
I have my own ideal of what is means to be a man, it is part of my identity. It has taken me years to get here. I aim to be kind, patient, tolerant, supportive, gentle, but firm in my convictions. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not afraid to cut someone loose if I'm being taken advantage of. I provide for those who depend on me, take care of them. I've worked hard to try to set an example for other men to follow, how to treat women and children. I'm sensitive inside, but I still don't show it to the world, only a select few, or else I would feel too vulnerable. Continue to be yourself, be you're own man; seems like you're on the right track.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,885 Posts
Great post! Realistically I am just a mix of traits in both lists too.

The male machismo ideal is a mental parasite and I think you can know it is hijacking your mind if you see (1) and (2) as unified categories that completely describe anyone at all or if they make you feel fear or disgust. I wish I could escape completely it but I think realistically it's going to take me a lot of time and patience to fully develop a faith in myself that I'm not the weak person I sometimes fear I am, that shame is not a legitimate experience of myself.
Yeah your damned if you do and damned if you don't. Either way some arsehole is going to ridicule you for the way you are, so who gives a shit whatever anyone else thinks about you.

Thinking on this more though; I am starting to think that masculinity and femininity do not exist at all in the sense that we can categorise traits which are masculine and traits which are feminine. If a trait can exist in women, but it can also exist in men then I really do not think it is logical to say it's either masculine or feminine. It's neither.

It might not be popular, but the only thing that makes men and women diffrent is our biology and our biological purposes. A womens biological purpose is childbearing and a mans is to father children. A womens body is smaller, shorter and less muscular than a mans, it has wider hips, a layer of body fat for protection and a lower centre of gravity; it is designed for the purpose of child bearing. Men however do not have the burden of childbearing, a mans body is taller, bigger and more muscular, it has less body fat, broader shoulders and a higher centre of gravity; it is designed for the purpose of mastering the physical environment. This is the only diffrence between men and women; our biological purposes. Other than that being sensitive, insensitive, emotional, logical, strong, weak, confident, shy, active, lazy or whatever is not specific to being male or female, masculine or feminine. What is masculine and feminine is our biological purposes, our bodies and the way that affects us psychologically; which isn't going to be the exact same for everyone, because there is other factors too such as personality.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,842 Posts
Regarding that list...

Just because you are a guy, doesn't mean you can't exhibit sensitivity and be emotional. The point is that, men don't show it whereas woman freely do. Men can be sensitive and emotional, but when a situation arises and you have to be rational, it's masculine to ACT logical, detached and down-to-earth. It's not about being, it's about showing.

I don't see quiet as being feminine.
However, I won't act "masculine" but just be myself if I have to, and regardless societal consequences. Also, being emotional is not the same as being irrational, which society usually misses.

I understand where you are coming from (a pragmatic point of view) but I just refuse to act "detached" if I am not feeling that way, and even if the situation "demands" it. I am also pretty sure it doesn't diminish the fact that I am still male-it's just silly societal expectations in the end (surely I can be rational and use logic as needed, but not at the expense of negating/"not showing" my feelings if they are there.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,842 Posts
Ashamed of being INFP?! Discovering that I am INFP is the greatest thing I have ever found out! The world is more clearer to me, now, as are the people who live in it. I couldn't be more thankful for finding out who I am, why I act the way I do, why I feel the way I do, why I amz the way I amz! :crazy: Yeah, it is a downer to be so sensitive and whatnot, but I am thankful that God blessed me with this feeling to care as much as I do!
I must add, it's not even a downer to be sensitive if you are. :) I deem it a wonderful privilege, and revel on my depth of feelings.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
This society's expectations of a typical male are all bullshit. Our patriarchal view of masculinity is crushing to both men and women. Stay the way you are. Feelings are wonderful and important. In fact, the latest cognitive research shows that if the feeling portions of a person's brain can't connect to the thinking portion, the person cannot make the simplest day-to-day decisions.

And believe me, women in our society are FED UP with patriarchal b.s. If you are the exception to that rule, women will flock to you.
 
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Top