[HAL]

I don't feel like I've got a full lifetime ahead of me.

Hope I'm wrong in that feeling/intuition... But I've actually had a dream a couple of years ago that complements that idea. A statistic, like a bar chart or something, appeared and indicated I was at roughly 70 percent of my life. Not sure how or what exactly, but the message was clear: I was over halfway in life. I did the maths in the morning and I think I estimated 70 percent meant that I'd life until 34.

Anyway, I'm not sure what inspires that feeling. Maybe just the inability to identify with the future, the unknown. But when I ponder it over, I just don't feel like I will live to grow old. I just can't imagine it. And to support this conjecture, I'm making up bullshit evidence like my growth/progression so far; how I'm going too fast in life for the 'ceiling' to be 100 or even 70.
My mind also feels like an incessant stream of thoughts, the projection of which for another 50+ years down the line just seems too much. Then there is the projection of other life situations which scare me if I think about them unchanged as I grow old.

So seize the day I guess...
Or get ran over ponder about this stuff while riding my bike (Nike: 'make it happen').

I feel mentally way older than most people. I expect to live to old age though, but I sort of fear boredom. I remember being utterly amazed by the world in my early 20s, there was just so much to discover and learn. Now I'm in my early 30s and I'm very 'meh' about it all. I kind of fear what my mindset will be when I hit 40, 50, etc.

I read that this is the reason why old people get into boring things like gardening. It's because they've done most other things, so they're running out of stuff to discover.

 

[HAL]

Just spoke to INFJ crush in a voice call, at her request. So that's a step up from the texting and voice messaging.

It was very revealing. She was sort of jokey in a way that I didn't find attractive, but I put it down to nerves - humour is the primary form of social safety for a lot of people. She's also told me quite a few times that she has a defensive wall around her emotions, and I could tell; I felt like I wasn't getting the real version of her while we were talking. That being said, I was probably exactly the same. I joked and laughed right along with her, and felt very drained while doing so. Having a defensive wall and INTP chameleoning isn't easy.

She was very chatty anyway, to the extent that it made me question whether I was correct with my INFJ conclusion about her. However, I've just looked at the type description for ENFJ and she is absolutely nothing like that, whereas she is still almost everything like the INFJ description, so I guess I just wasn't prepared for the fact that INFJs are said to be the most social and "almost extrovert" of the introverted types. That's pretty cool anyway; at least I can still rest on my biases toward INFJs, instead of having to re-evaluate everything.

It was a nice ice-breaker anyway. We talked for 2 hours. I look forward to telling her how obvious it was that she was hiding behind her emotional wall when we were talking. She'll probably say the same of me.

Also, a slightly funny thing - I was talking about general Vietnam stuff with her, and how I don't just want to be a tourist, I want to live there. I talked a lot about 'tourist' stuff, and she suddenly got really alarmed because she thought I'd been saying Taurus the whole time. In the western world, nobody really mixes the words 'tourist' and 'Taurus' because they're used in such different contexts, but zodiac is so prominent in Asia that she immediately thought I was talking about 'Taurus' for the whole time. She fixated on it because she is a Taurus. It was quite an unexpected and funny little thing to deal with, and eventually I had to stop talking about tourists because she just couldn't handle it.

 

[NipNip]

I feel mentally way older than most people. I expect to live to old age though, but I sort of fear boredom. I remember being utterly amazed by the world in my early 20s, there was just so much to discover and learn. Now I'm in my early 30s and I'm very 'meh' about it all. I kind of fear what my mindset will be when I hit 40, 50, etc.

I read that this is the reason why old people get into boring things like gardening. It's because they've done most other things, so they're running out of stuff to discover.

Oh yeah that's why life comes in stages. If you're any curious about life/things, which you are... I don't don't there is any need to fear boredom. Your desires will shift with age (e.g. yes, to boring gardening haha), where every shift turns your attention to something you didn't really know about previously. Kinda like turning rocks. Life is the shore. You're turning the good rocks first but after a while you find there's crabs too underneath the dirty rocks you didn't really feel like turning at first. And so boring gardening, because gardening, becomes fun gardening.

 

[NipNip]

Also, a slightly funny thing - I was talking about general Vietnam stuff with her, and how I don't just want to be a tourist, I want to live there. I talked a lot about 'tourist' stuff, and she suddenly got really alarmed because she thought I'd been saying Taurus the whole time. In the western world, nobody really mixes the words 'tourist' and 'Taurus' because they're used in such different contexts, but zodiac is so prominent in Asia that she immediately thought I was talking about 'Taurus' for the whole time. She fixated on it because she is a Taurus. It was quite an unexpected and funny little thing to deal with, and eventually I had to stop talking about tourists because she just couldn't handle it.

The tourist climbs mountains. The tourist only comes for food. The tourist sleeps away their valuable time.

Is there a context where the two aren't synonyms?


Also: I didn't know Taurusts could pass as the plural of Taurus.

 

[HAL]

The tourist climbs mountains. The tourist only comes for food. The tourist sleeps away their valuable time.

Is there a context where the two aren't synonyms?


Also: I didn't know Taurusts could pass as the plural of Taurus.

Ha.

I wanted to make a joke to her about how I'm just pure Cancer, but didn't know how well I would be able to pull it off.

 

[NipNip]

Ha.

I wanted to make a joke to her about how I'm just pure Cancer, but didn't know how well I would be able to pull it off.

Committing to your material is half the art of comedy. So I like your decision.

 

[HAL]

INFJ crush called again. She woke up from a bad dream and wanted to talk, ha. Another 2 hours of chatting away.

I think I'm reeeeeally deep into INTP self-doubt mode here because for most of the call I felt convinced that this is just platonic chat or - shock horror - she's just using me as a sound board for some kind of over-the-phone companion?? But I don't think she would ever do that. The more rational approach is to say she woke up, thought of me and called, and we talked non-stop for 2 hours, which is super nice. But it still felt like she had that defensive wall up, which sucks. She comes across as someone who has a very very very thick defensive wall, too, which is quite sad actually, but hey maybe she thinks the same of me. She's 31 and I'm 32; adults never dive into things so naively like kids, but this risks things being missed due to being over-cautious.

Either way, my self-doubt is getting badly in the way and it's making me do that switching off thing where I stop being into someone because I know for sure that they aren't into me (even though I don't know for sure at all). She also talked a little bit too much about past relationships - not a whole lot, in fact not much at all, but enough for me to notice it. I don't know why, it just seems to destroy any sense of personal exclusivity between two people while they're getting to know each other. That being said, it's known that some folk bring up 'baggage' at the wrong time (hell I've seen enough Tinder profiles requesting that their matches don't bring any lingering relationship woes with them), so I guess it's not an entirely unusual thing for her to bring up. I personally don't like talking about exes because it's basically saying only two things: 1) "Hey I've been with other people, and you're next!" and 2) "Hey I've been in other relationships, and they all failed!" ... I just don't see anything positive about casually sharing info about past relationships.

I think I'm just gonna have to keep up the chatting and do the slow-burn thing and see what happens. Mind is in a spin now. Definitely suffering from a major case of over-analysis and INTP self-doubt. I guess the positive side is that I did just have a 2 hour long phone call with someone, and enjoyed it. I never enjoy 2 hour long phone calls. This is a good sign for real-life social compatibility too. Someone I can sit and talk with for that long is certainly a special somebody. But I do that with good friends too, so again I question whether it's just platonic. And there's that INTP self-doubt again.

 

[islandlight]

I have the same reservations about talking about exes. My sister would say things to a romantic interest like, "My ex had a truck just like this," or "My ex and I went to Europe and bla bla." And I knew a woman who met a carpenter in online dating, and was all excited to show him her ex's collection of exotic woods. I don't know how these guys just accepted it.

And of course I've been on the receiving end as well. One guy couldn't just say, "I did X"; it was always, "Barb and I did X."

If I want to mention an ex, and the ex-ness is irrelevant to the topic, I'll word it as something like, "I knew someone who...."

Then there are the ones who have their dead wife's or girlfriend's photo on the wall, when they have a new girlfriend (or even wife). Sure, I had a photo of my dead fiancé, but I kept it in a drawer when I was ready to have another person in my life.

I'm not the jealous type, but come on.... Apparently it doesn't bother some people though.

 

[HAL]

Well we chatted again today, for about 2 and a half hours this time. I still have that niggling INTP self-doubt, because one of her reasons for calling is that her housemate is away so she feels a bit scared and just needs a voice for company in when it comes to sleep time. So mayyyybe she's just using me for phone call companionship? But to be honest I didn't get that feeling during the call. It was a nice chat and sort of felt a little bit more connected. I dunno, maybe my mind is making things up. At the very least, I don't think she's the type to pick any old person to chat with like this; there's definitely "something" here. Hmmm.

Oh and another thing happened, kinda funny ish. She was talking about a fairly large graze she got on her foot and how she hopes it doesn't turn into scar tissue and make her skin ugly. She then said she doesn't like the idea of having kids and possibly being left with a big caesarean scar. I decided to ask her what her thoughts are on having kids in general. She said she isn't ready yet, but maybe in a few years, when she's 35 or something. In my mind I thought, "Nooooo", because I'm so undecided about kids, and lately have been leaning far more towards not wanting kids ever. She then asked me about whether I want kids, so I told her frankly that I'm not too sure because there are enough humans on this planet already, plus I fear I'll get depressed at the loss of control I have in my life. I said it in more detail than that, but that's the main gist of it. The funny thing is, after hearing my opinion, she sort of backtracked and said that she wasn't actually that sure about kids either, and mainly only thinks about kids because it's what her parents would expect of her. I find this quite interesting, and possibly a good thing?

 

[Grandmaster Yoda]

I feel a genuine sense of wonder in that I eventually stumble across something new in my quests. Every time I think I have seen it all, I actually haven’t. There is new hole to dig into. It may not look like it at a given moment, but eventually this hole will turn up.

Almost like navigating the internet is like traveling through a great sea, or a desert. One might see nothing new for days or weeks, but eventually one might stumble upon something of interest. It is just at times amazing that these things exist.

 

[HAL]

I feel a genuine sense of wonder in that I eventually stumble across something new in my quests. Every time I think I have seen it all, I actually haven’t. There is new hole to dig into. It may not look like it at a given moment, but eventually this hole will turn up.

Almost like navigating the internet is like traveling through a great sea, or a desert. One might see nothing new for days or weeks, but eventually one might stumble upon something of interest. It is just at times amazing that these things exist.

My primary source of wonder comes from those viral instagrammy photos of cool places on earth. Ancient European villages, remote islands, hidden treasures, etc. Dunno why, it just makes me want to go and find places like that for myself.

 

[leftover crack]

Now I'm in my early 30s and I'm very 'meh' about it all. I kind of fear what my mindset will be when I hit 40, 50, etc.

what does it say about me if I've already reached that mindset being in my early 20's?

 

[HAL]

what does it say about me if I've already reached that mindset being in my early 20's?

It says.... "meh!"

 

[NipNip]

Either way, my self-doubt is getting badly in the way and it's making me do that switching off thing where I stop being into someone because I know for sure that they aren't into me (even though I don't know for sure at all). She also talked a little bit too much about past relationships - not a whole lot, in fact not much at all, but enough for me to notice it. I don't know why, it just seems to destroy any sense of personal exclusivity between two people while they're getting to know each other. That being said, it's known that some folk bring up 'baggage' at the wrong time (hell I've seen enough Tinder profiles requesting that their matches don't bring any lingering relationship woes with them), so I guess it's not an entirely unusual thing for her to bring up. I personally don't like talking about exes because it's basically saying only two things: 1) "Hey I've been with other people, and you're next!" and 2) "Hey I've been in other relationships, and they all failed!" ... I just don't see anything positive about casually sharing info about past relationships.

I'm quite similar. Talking about past relationships that way, to me means either (a) they take relationships very lightly or (b) there is serious baggage still.
The first is a problem for romantics like myself. Super childish but I feel like I can get 'jealous' of the romantic history of a love interest. A lot of fears/insecurities there on my part, but mostly an over-romanticization of romantic connections to do with exclusivity and uniqueness.
By the second I mean to say: surely there is a threshold about expressing these things, especially when talking to a new potential. If they feel only mildly about it (or even up to a reasonable degree) people tend to suppress that information, so the suffering/impact here with her (the crush) must be quite severe.

It then becomes a matter to responding to these things. Scenario (a), well... one could probably learn a thing or two about that attitude. Or, potentially 'convert' the other person over to the romantic side of things somewhat, by making them feel/see what 'true love' actually looks like for the first time in their life (being the 'eye-opener'). Scenario (b), one could use as an exercise in friendship, being there to play support first, then see whatever flows from it.

 

[NipNip]

I feel a genuine sense of wonder in that I eventually stumble across something new in my quests. Every time I think I have seen it all, I actually haven’t. There is new hole to dig into. It may not look like it at a given moment, but eventually this hole will turn up.

Almost like navigating the internet is like traveling through a great sea, or a desert. One might see nothing new for days or weeks, but eventually one might stumble upon something of interest. It is just at times amazing that these things exist.

Where you sailing lately?

 

[HAL]

Super childish but I feel like I can get 'jealous' of the romantic history of a love interest. A lot of fears/insecurities there on my part, but mostly an over-romanticization of romantic connections to do with exclusivity and uniqueness.

This is 100% exactly how I feel to be honest, I just didn't know how to word it. "Super childish" is about right haha, but the justification makes up for it.

Maybe it's just an INTP thing?

I'm generally okay with the fact that it happened anyway. The general vibe I'm getting with her is nice and definitely feels like it's improving.

The only thing I would truly hate is if I had a partner who compared me to others or made statements that are obviously not going to be taken in a nice way. I find it appalling when couples do that. "Wow that person's so hot, but don't worry I won't try to sleep them"... that kind of thing. WTF. Some folk are fine with it though. It's so peculiar.

 

[NipNip]

This is 100% exactly how I feel to be honest, I just didn't know how to word it. "Super childish" is about right haha, but the justification makes up for it.

Maybe it's just an INTP thing?

I'm generally okay with the fact that it happened anyway. The general vibe I'm getting with her is nice and definitely feels like it's improving.

Hm. If it's an INTP thing, I would definitely add "male" to it. Because this female INTP contact of mine isn't like at all (= part of the reason why I'm resorting to the reactions I mentioned: learn from it, try and convert a bit, act friend first).
INFPs if any type would in theory feel more strongly about it. But then I must say that's something I kinda share with them. Although I feel like INTPs are a touch more flexible, likely to change mindset for something casual for instance, if that's what the connection with the other calls for.

The only thing I would truly hate is if I had a partner who compared me to others or made statements that are obviously not going to be taken in a nice way. I find it appalling when couples do that. "Wow that person's so hot, but don't worry I won't try to sleep them"... that kind of thing. WTF. Some folk are fine with it though. It's so peculiar.

Ye-hes.

 

[Nannerl]

what does it say about me if I've already reached that mindset being in my early 20's?

I think is not an unpopular opinion, but feeling that way in your 20s is not that uncommon and I believe the current global system is related. Of course, I don't want to undermine your issues concerning your personal life (completely valid and always relevant), but I just want to share this, lol.

I don't think so many people were this obsessed with not wanting to live in past centuries (not only talking about depression but also that indifference? That 'meh' feeling); our 'feel-well' philosophy was destroyed plenty of times before the 90s, sure, but I guess the last important act was the definitive arrival of neoliberalism and its downfall. So now, with all the social changes, the arising movements that vary from a post-capitalist view of the world to an anarcho-capitalist one, climate change, a broader knowledge of human rights (thus, the acknowledgement of its huge violations around the globe), the permanent nostalgia for past feel-good decades and the pro-efficiency system that basically rushes and crushes anyone who can't keep the rhythm; it all has come to a general expectative based on disappointment or hopelessness.
This is a more personal observation but it has always interested me how from the 2000s there has been this permanent idea of an apocalypse. There was this the new wave of punks, goths, emos..., later an obsession with monster-like humans (zombies, evil AI), the disappearance of the State or, on the other side, the arise of the Big Brother with extreme far-right restoring conservative rulers, trends like The Purge, philosophical trends like nihilism, cynism, zen buddhism and its counterpart with the new overly-sensitive generation; you get it. Like, it's easier to imagine the end of mankind than our own future. It's easier to think of the end of the world.

Anyway, maybe check with a therapist if that 'meh' makes you feel miserable. If it doesn't, well, it's not too bad, then.

 

[Grandmaster Yoda]

Where you sailing lately?

I have located an unheard of YouTuber who has his own typology system linked to to his own interpretation of self development.

Energy-bias psychology (typology)

To increase self-awareness and knowledge of "Natural" or "Partial" man, our lower (but nevertheless real) nature, Timeless Education offers...

timeless-education.blogspot.com

 

[Grandmaster Yoda]

My primary source of wonder comes from those viral instagrammy photos of cool places on earth. Ancient European villages, remote islands, hidden treasures, etc. Dunno why, it just makes me want to go and find places like that for myself.

Some places just impress upon me a better appearance most of the time. I have said that my home in California on a rainy day looks better than my home in New York on a nice day.

But Hawaii or Cancún were much more effective. Maybe it’s the nice saltwater air.

Sri Lanka is good if you want to become a monk and then come back to America and create your own monk system.