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Discussion Starter #1
Is it difficult for you to follow through with situations that likely will cause conflict?

From past experience, it's incredibly difficult for me to create these circumstances, even if they're necessary. For example, breaking up with someone. I always put it off until it can't be avoided anymore. And then some.

I'm terrified of letting people down, and having them react negatively. I never know what to expect and it freaks me out. And it kills me to think that I'm hurting the other person, and how my actions must be affecting them.

My current situation is that I really need to quit my job. It's incredibly stressful and has been tearing me apart. I've wanted to quit for several months now. But I can't bring myself to do it - not because I'm afraid of getting a new job - but because I'm afraid of upsetting my boss. I originally told her I'd probably be there for a year or so, but I'm realizing I can't do this anymore. I need to tell her Monday, but I'm dreading it so much and I'm terrified of her reaction. (I'm already a bit scared of her.)

Can you relate, and/or offer any advice? :) Thank you for reading.
 

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I can certainly relate. I have suffered through months of terrible relationships, being treated terribly just because I didn't want to hurt someone. That ended in an ugly manner about a year ago, at the same time I lost my home and all security, ended up living in a caravan with my dad. Shortly after, I went to live with my mother, we have a strained relationship at best. Weirdly, this led to me almost learning a selfish side. Before then, I felt like doing anything for yourself was actually a bad thing, something I felt incredibly guilty about. So breaking up or quitting a job was extremely hard for me. The truth is, you have to do what you want to do to make you feel good, because otherwise you are actually being unfair on others by not being honest about how you feel. This led me to a strange conclusion, that sometimes acting in a way to protect someone else can be somewhat dishonest, and is unfair on them AND you. In terms of your bosses reaction.... If she is a good boss and a good person, she should listen to you and at least try to understand where your coming from. You don't HAVE to do anything for anyone, you are your own person and your opinions and feelings matter just as much as anyone else's. To go through life not doing things to make your life better just to save the feelings of others is saying they are more important than you, and that is never true. I think learning to stand up for what you need and want is a very important thing to do for your own sake as well as for other people, especially for people like us.

Hope that helped somewhat, sorry if i rambled, rambling is my preferred writing style.
 

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I can relate to not wanting to upset people so much that I forget or don't think about my needs as much. It's putting others before yourself. Sometimes, though, you have to pick the right times to do so. Like if putting others first is causing you more stress than needed. If you need to quit your job because of too much stress then I think that's something you should consider. They can find someone else in time to fill your old position. They found you and they can find another person. I don't think you should worry about your boss giving you a bad reaction when you tell. You have to do what you have to do. Sometimes I worry myself into a mess when I don't need to, but I think that's the nature of our personality type. We really do care too much sometimes.
 

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Breakups have always been salty for me. I still talk to all but one of the girls I dated but they were usually rather awkward. But as stated above, you are your own person. If you're unhappy in a relationship, you shouldn't be there. It's gonna suck for a bit but no one should have to suffer in a relationship that doesn't work.

As far as work goes, I know how you feel. I've been in foods for 7 years and it's a special brand of wrong for me. I do get mood swings because of it. Everyone always needs something, it's loud, you're forced into team work, you have no time to stop for a second and you're on your feet for 8 hours a day. It's a special kind of hell. I fear at times that the time spent in this "career" might have caused permanent damage somewhere. If I don't get a few hours alone when I get home, I get anxiety attacks. If you need to quit a job, do it and don't look back. I'll sincerely miss the people I worked with but not the job. If not for the people busting their asses with me, I would have walked out years ago.
 
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<snip>

My current situation is that I really need to quit my job. It's incredibly stressful and has been tearing me apart. I've wanted to quit for several months now. But I can't bring myself to do it - not because I'm afraid of getting a new job - but because I'm afraid of upsetting my boss. I originally told her I'd probably be there for a year or so, but I'm realizing I can't do this anymore. I need to tell her Monday, but I'm dreading it so much and I'm terrified of her reaction. (I'm already a bit scared of her.)

Can you relate, and/or offer any advice? :) Thank you for reading.
First, why do you say "I need to tell her Monday" ?

OK, taking a step back: Are you sure this is what you need to do? taking into account both your feelings and thoughts. Are you really OK with the practicalities of getting another job and maybe being without an income for an unknown time? Is it wiser to line up that new job first?

If, having gone through all these kinds of considerations, you're sure this is the right thing to do then you must surely do it. I'm reminded of the title of a book (though it's not a book i've read) Feel the fear and do it anyway

Sometimes in life we know (or strongly believe) what we must do, what the right thing is. In doing that thing there may be unpleasant consequences as well as the immediate anxiety/fear to be experienced. Nonetheless if we're sure it's the right thing to do then do it we must. This is (or can be) an opportunity for growth and greater maturity.

Be straightforward and honest with your boss. Apologise sincerely if you feel you inadvertently misled her. Go armed with the awareness that her reaction will probably scare you - this is something you just have to experience and bear.

A positive effect from this will be that any time in the future you face a similar situation you'll be able to look back to this occasion. In other words it can be a building block for the future.
 

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well what she realistically do?

you want out, you want out

better start looking for another job soon to minimize downtime
 

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One time my boss yelled at me for asking a question in front of everybody I worked with. I was like, "This lady said her fries weren't done all the and she wants her money back, do you want to talk to her?" and then boom! He wen't off saying he can't do everything, and that I need to tell the ASSISTANT manager, who by the way was on the crapper at the time. He unloaded on me, im sure he was just stressed out or preoccupied with something else, but man he embarrassed me! I was so pissed that I didn't say a word, I just walked to the back, grabbed my coat and said, "Then you deal with it." walked out and never went back. Not even for my last paycheck! Mah pride got the best of me there.. im not proud of that moment, but I cannot handle conflict very well lol.
 
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Discussion Starter #8
First, why do you say "I need to tell her Monday" ?

OK, taking a step back: Are you sure this is what you need to do? taking into account both your feelings and thoughts. Are you really OK with the practicalities of getting another job and maybe being without an income for an unknown time? Is it wiser to line up that new job first?
It's something I've been wanting to do for months. I'm looking for work in my free time and I'm getting a lot of good leads. However, I also have a lot of money saved up from this job, and will have some support if I can't find another job right away. (If I decide to go to college instead, which is likely.)

I don't *need* to tell her Monday, but I'd like to since I only see her once a week and since the sooner I tell her, the sooner she can look for someone else, and the sooner my two weeks will be up so I can focus on school. (Which starts in June.)

Thank you all for the responses, they were very helpful. :)
 

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If your company was having problems, your boss would 'let you go; in a heartbeat.

It has been my experience that INFx loyalty and concern for others is rarely reciprocated (and is sometimes taken for granted or even seen as a weakness)

In this case you must identify and prioritise your own needs.
 

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One time my boss yelled at me for asking a question in front of everybody I worked with. I was like, "This lady said her fries weren't done all the and she wants her money back, do you want to talk to her?" and then boom! He wen't off saying he can't do everything, and that I need to tell the ASSISTANT manager, who by the way was on the crapper at the time. He unloaded on me, im sure he was just stressed out or preoccupied with something else, but man he embarrassed me! I was so pissed that I didn't say a word, I just walked to the back, grabbed my coat and said, "Then you deal with it." walked out and never went back. Not even for my last paycheck! Mah pride got the best of me there.. im not proud of that moment, but I cannot handle conflict very well lol.
I would have taken that as my having carte blanche as far as making decisions, whatever they may have involved. I would give all such future dissatisfied customers their money back, twice their normal order (at least), and a few free coupons to take with them, and for their family. I would likewise make split second decisions on anything I was asked regarding anything at all. If confronted, I would respond with "I did not want you to have to handle every little thing."...and ask for a raise.
 

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My current situation is that I really need to quit my job. It's incredibly stressful and has been tearing me apart. I've wanted to quit for several months now. But I can't bring myself to do it - not because I'm afraid of getting a new job - but because I'm afraid of upsetting my boss. I originally told her I'd probably be there for a year or so, but I'm realizing I can't do this anymore. I need to tell her Monday, but I'm dreading it so much and I'm terrified of her reaction. (I'm already a bit scared of her.)
@Nickel Please let us know how this goes/went [am always being caught out by time zones here] if you feel ok to do that.
 

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Everything went surprisingly well. She said it was fine, as she was hiring a couple more people over the summer anyway. :) I've never felt so free! Is it also common for INFJs to imagine the worst case scenarios and worry over nothing?

Thank you all for your support and advice. It's really helped me through this.
 

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Is it also common for INFJs to imagine the worst case scenarios and worry over nothing?
Yes. Very much so.
Ni going nuts with a bad feeling Fe makes for some pretty gnarly scenarios.

Twitch

PS: Glad it all worked out well for you :)
PPS: And yes, I have severe issues with conflict. Several relationships went on longer than they should have because of my distaste for conflict.
 

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The truth is, you have to do what you want to do to make you feel good, because otherwise you are actually being unfair on others by not being honest about how you feel. This led me to a strange conclusion, that sometimes acting in a way to protect someone else can be somewhat dishonest, and is unfair on them AND you.
Why does this post not have more thanks?

This is so, so true, and something many Fe-users are absolutely clueless about, to their detriment and to other people's, too. Realizing it is a huge step towards becoming a happier person and having better relationships.
 

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I'm a 9w1. I avoid conflict for reasons other than being INFJ. As far as quitting a job goes, that's actually one situation I wouldn't have much problem with. I'm not ending a relationship. I'm changing my employment. I'm just a number to the company, one cog in the machine, so to speak. The machine will keep going whether I'm there or not. *shrug*

Managers know how to hire people and deal with people who are leaving. That's why they're managers. It's part of their job.

That said, I have difficulty when it comes to ending actual relationships that are too stressful and/or toxic for me. I keep wanting to give the other person involved more chances as well as avoid hurting them. Now that sucks. But a job is a job. Unless it's been a significant career and you have a family to support paycheck-by-paycheck, it shouldn't be that big of a deal by comparison.
 

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I sometimes procrastinate changing jobs because I don't really like change at first; sometimes I'm scared the new job might be even worse or that I'll be let go without a safety net. If you have money saved and other good job leads, I'd probably leave. A couple of times when I didn't like my job I found another one and left it; the first time it was after 7 years of abuse; the only reason I stayed so long was that I didn't have the transportation to get to a better job. I got my 2nd job after I got my car; then I went back to my first job hoping it would be better; it took be a year and a half to realize it didn't, so I started looking for jobs and it took me about three months to find my current job. Now I'm the process for looking for other jobs. I might talk to upper management about the situations that I'm facing but if that doesn't work, I'll just leave.

Yeah, if you're not really happy with your job and don't really need the money, I don't really see the point in staying. Even if you feel an obligation to your manager, the way I always saw it, if a manager doesn't know how to treat their employees with the respect they deserve the employees are under no obligation to continue working under them. I know I'm possibly replying too late since that "monday" probably already passed, but in situations like that I try not to care about how the manager feels because all too often those in that position are all too callous about the feelings of those under them. It's not personal, it's business.


As for breaking up with people, I'm bad about that too, although the only guy I ever believed I was in love with, I kinda broke up with, because we were going in different directions in life, so maybe I'm not so bad about it as I think I am.

When it comes to conflict situations in general, I'm very cautious, because I feel no need to burn bridges. I only say things if I feel they need to be said; I don't believe anything needs to be said harshly or in a mean way. I tend to make a huge effort to be polite and respectful and I find that it easily calms the situation and mitigates what conflict would otherwise arise.
 

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Everything went surprisingly well. She said it was fine, as she was hiring a couple more people over the summer anyway. :) I've never felt so free! Is it also common for INFJs to imagine the worst case scenarios and worry over nothing?

Thank you all for your support and advice. It's really helped me through this.
That's really great. So pleased for you.

Even though it may seem now like you were worrying about nothing, nonetheless your feelings of fear were real. But you still went ahead and did what you needed to do, so this is a valuable achievement.
 

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I may be a bit more selfish than a lot of INFJs, but usually when I avoid things like breaking up or quitting a job, I just want to avoid drama. Huge emotional outbursts that (I view) are unnecessary just annoy me and they are annoying to deal with.
 
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