[lady lisa]

INFJ's do you find yourself in the middle of conflict between two other people very often? I find this happening to me all the time and I get accused of not being loyal because of it.

I find it so strange the pressure I find myself in when others force me to take a side of their pitiful petty dissagreements that somehow get turned into massive issues.

I often end up losing friendships or worse - family members. Does this happen to you? I am so sad about this.

Lady Lisa

 

[nikkii]

Well I do fine myself into as well, but i think we feel more like we are in it then we really are. We are naturally empathic so when you see people have conflict. it automatically becomes your conflict. Even if you don't want it too.

Make a stand that you are always neutral. This is really hard for people to understand. I don't take sides. I'm on my own side. lol.

example:

my mom is really mad at the bad driver in front of us, while she complains I defend this person I don't even know. (maybe he's having a bad day ect)

I can't really complain about a person because I end up defending the person I'm complaining about. Its quite maddening. lol

 

[Sanguine]

I've had it a few times and sucks bigtime.

I was supervising my section and work and two of my co-workers: Julie and Mandy (we shall call them this :wink had a big, sudden argument.

I am more friendly with Mandy, but I could kind of see Julie's point of view as well. Thing is, Julie is a bit... aggressive in her arguing style so she tends to look worse automatically. The other thing is, both of these women are considerably older than me and my first thought when they started arguing was: 'Everyone's making a fuss and I don't know why. Why can't they just sort it out?'.

And MY boss chewed me out for not taking Mandy's side, but I still think I was in the right and I told her so.

On the other side of things, I'm currently the cause of conflict between myself and two friends. They get along great, but I feel one is taking advantage of the other which is making me feel overly protective of the other. I can already feel myself withdrawing from them and it makes me sad.

 

[thegirlcandance]

Yeah, it seems that with certain people they want you to agree with them 100% of the time.... I know that with my ESFJ friends, ISFJ mother, ESTJ ex, etc. that if they were mad or frustrated with someone I would stand up for the other person by showing how I could see their side. They didn't seem to like that too much.


Heck, I had a situation or two even where a friend was mad at someone and was venting to me about it and I stood up for them but then even after THEY cleared up everything between the two of them I still had my friend mad at me for not standing up for her... agh.

Maybe this is partially why I find myself mostly hanging out with guys... or predominantly girl friends that have MBTI types that are more common in guys... so the ESTPs, ENTPs, ENTJs, ISTJs, etc. etc.

 

[Humilis Curator]

Yeah, this has happened to me a few times. How I react depends on the situation. I was friends with two people who were dating before they started seeing each other. When things began to go down hill I was caught in the middle and I told both of them. I consulted both of them and was their shoulder to cry on but then also told them the things they could do better and the things they messed up while in the relationship.

When our Ni is developed and we learn to look at things objectively we develop the capability to look at things from all sides. This ends in us being neutral or not strongly opinionated in conflicts that we do not feel so strongly about because of our ability to see something from all sides. As much as a valuable trait this is, the pitfall of thinking TOO much is there among with others. Sometimes we HAVE to tap into our shadow ESTP and just act. One cannot think or dream forever without action or he/she becomes stagnant.

A good lesson for INFJs to learn that took me a very long time to learn and I still struggle to live up to because I hate conflict and hurting people. However, not all conflict is bad, conflict has the capability to help us grow. Also, sometimes telling people the hard nosed truth will do far more good for them then just patting them on the head and telling them it will be alright.

 

[vel]

Many other people out there have a dominant judging function - Fe, Fi, Te, Ti. So they will go about the world often seeing it through like a lens that automatically makes judgements. As a result, they may have strong opinions on things and clash in this opinion with others. I think Fi and Ti doms like IxxPs probably hold the strongest beliefs and opinions out of all MBTI types, but ExxJs are typically the one from whom you'd hear the most about it. INFJ main function is a perceiving one, however. So it might not be readily apparent for us why all these people are clinging to their view point so strongly and clashing with each others over it.

I do not find myself split between conflicting sides too often. Usually because like nikkii says I keep to my own side, go with neutral comments, try to distract people who are in conflict and draw their attention to another subject, etc. Most often I end up being in position of a listener - a person listens out both sides whenever they want to vent xD There are probably ways you can manipulate people into seeing each other's view points somehow, but my conflict mediation skills aren't that good. I guess this requires putting some of that Ne into use - not only seeing view points of others but devising a strategy on what to do with this knowledge to restore peace.

 

[kateykinz]

I have always told my friends what I think the other person's perspective might be in a conflict situation, they've come to expect it and when they talk to me about things its exactly that type of advice they are looking for from me, so I've never had much of a problem with people questioning my loyalty.

At work, considering I work with a bunch of women and we all have very different personalities, we don't have too much conflict and what we do have is normally ironed out within 5 minutes. If it isn't I will approach the two people at loggerheads and diffuse the situation, normally using humour. Most of the time they will not have realised quite how heated their "debate" has become and so it takes someone else to make them see that they are arguing about something that really isn't as important as their good relationship with each other.

 

[HorribleAesthete]

This does not happen often, though I have been in the situation before. Generally, it involves my mother and sister, when one is calling me to complain about the actions (or general personality and world view) of the other. I can usually see both sides of the conflict, it is usually based on something ridiculous and the result of one of them not being able to mind her own business or ignore the other, and I usually point out this fact. This usually ends with them being somewhat irritated with me. Lately, I have begun to simply they change the subject, or to tell them to call back when they have less to complain about. When I do participate, I remain mostly neutral, only conceding valid factual points, but also attempting to see both sides. With most conflicts I believe that the truth lies somewhere in between.

I have found that most conflicts are based on simple misunderstanding and reinforced by pride and strong egos, and are possibly the result of allowing small misunderstandings to go unattended, and irritations to grow and fester. I am guilty of this on occasion. Whatever their cause, I am convinced that there is no conflict which cannot be resolved with calm, rational discourse, as rare as this may be. And, if it cannot, then there are bigger issues at work, possibly irreconcilable ones. This does not apply, of course, to conflicts with no gray area, such as a horrible wrong committed by someone (cheating, violence, etc).

Nevertheless, I do think that is unreasonable for anyone to expect me to get hearted over something that really does not concern me, even if I do concede one side is right or wrong. I certainly wouldn't except anyone to take sides in one of my personal conflicts. I think it would be very bad manners to involve anyone else at all. I definitely wouldn't lose sleep over losing friends/family due to their own irrational behavior.

 

[Gaminegirlie]

Funny you should bring this up today.

Yesterday I was in the middle of my Uncle and His son's conflict
and my uncle was like Isn't he rude?
I said i thought his son was just trying to explain himself.
And that really it was between the both of them, I have nothing
to contribute.

After his son leaves the house, my uncle goes mad says I was rude and taking sides with his son
that i should have said he was being rude.
But i told my uncle i couldnt lie and pretend, I didnt see any rudeness in the son and i wasnt going to say
what i didn't mean

My uncle says next time I shouldnt say 'Its between the both of you'
because it is rude, I should take sides with him being the older one

Me, GAH!!! i hope to never be in the midst of this
absolutely hate it!