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Discussion Starter #1
Hi!
A bit of a backstory on my previous post if anyone’s interested: Could this lead to something or rather not?

So there is this one INFJ I met recently and have been talking to. But I get so confused about him.

Firstly, I wanted to be direct and already told him I’d like to get to know him better to which he didn’t really reply anything but also didn’t say anything negative or push me away. As he wasn’t completely against it, I started asking him about his interests and he didn’t seem to mind answering all my questions.

However, he never asks me any questions. He never initiates conversations. It’s always just I who does it. But when I do mention something about me, he reacts to those messages with “thumbs up” (we use messanger)

One other weird thing was that even after I told him that I’d like to know him better, he still asked me both times if I asked those questions to get to know him better or to get recommendations (as they were about books and music).

What could that mean? Does it mean he is not really interested in me and only answers my questions to be polite and to not hurt my feelings? I was direct with him and I expected the same from him but it seems like he is almost surprised that anyone can be that much interested in him.

And I didn’t even mention anything about romantic relationship, only that I’d like to get to know him better. Aren’t INFJs thought to be curious about other people? It’s all so confusing...
 

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Hey!! 😊
Yeah, lovely INFJs...😌 lol

I think you did all you could do. He knows you're interested in him. Now it's up to him. He is acting confusing, tbh.
It's really hard to guess what's on the other person's mind, millions of possibilities! You can only have control over your own actions.
Maybe he does like you, but he's a grown up and he should approach you, especially since he knows you want to get to know him better.
Also, why don't you ask him out for a coffee/walk, etc? Something casual but it makes it very clear you're interested. I think that could clear any doubts you both might have.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Hey!! 😊
Yeah, lovely INFJs...😌 lol

I think you did all you could do. He knows you're interested in him. Now it's up to him. He is acting confusing, tbh.
It's really hard to guess what's on the other person's mind, millions of possibilities! You can only have control over your own actions.
Maybe he does like you, but he's a grown up and he should approach you, especially since he knows you want to get to know him better.
Also, why don't you ask him out for a coffee/walk, etc? Something casual but it makes it very clear you're interested. I think that could clear any doubts you both might have.
Oh yes, confusing it is :D
Thanks for the advice! I'm a bit nervous to make such a step as asking him out, and I also think it might be a bit too early. But I am already considering it. I do meet him now and then in some salsa parties, but it's not the best setting for getting to know someone better. There's hardly any one-on-one time available.
 

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I hate to say this, but I usually behave the way you have described when I'm not interested in someone, but feeling too shy or discouraged to be direct and say "I don't want anything romantic with you". It's kind of cowardly and weak, I know, and it is something I should change. But I just SUCK at rejecting people. I hate to be in a position where I know I'll be forced to reject someone. Hate hate hate it. So I just behave in a vague, ambiguous, "I-like-you-but-don't-come-too-close" way.

Ofc I could be wrong. He could be interested in you and behaving this way for vastly different reasons.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I hate to say this, but I usually behave the way you have described when I'm not interested in someone, but feeling too shy or discouraged to be direct and say "I don't want anything romantic with you". It's kind of cowardly and weak, I know, and it is something I should change. But I just SUCK at rejecting people. I hate to be in a position where I know I'll be forced to reject someone. Hate hate hate it. So I just behave in a vague, ambiguous, "I-like-you-but-don't-come-too-close" way.

Ofc I could be wrong. He could be interested in you and behaving this way for vastly different reasons.
But I never mentioned I want anything romantic with him. Getting to know someone better doesn’t necessarily imply romantic relationship. We could be friends.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Lol this guy is still so elusive... I wanted some clarity so I wrote him today that if I am bothering him with my messages or being too pushy then he should just let me know and I can disappear at any moment. To which he replied that when he is busy he may not always reply fast enough - but that wasn’t even the point! :D

I don’t care much how fast he responds and I actually think it’s always pretty fast.

But I guess if he didn’t tell me to disappear it is a good thing? Or could it be that he is STILL unable to reject me even when I clearly asked him for some clarity? I’m still confused why he never asks me any questions and never initiates... could it be he doesn’t yet understand how he feels about me?
 

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Lol this guy is still so elusive... I wanted some clarity so I wrote him today that if I am bothering him with my messages or being too pushy then he should just let me know and I can disappear at any moment. To which he replied that when he is busy he may not always reply fast enough - but that wasn’t even the point! :D

I don’t care much how fast he responds and I actually think it’s always pretty fast.

But I guess if he didn’t tell me to disappear it is a good thing? Or could it be that he is STILL unable to reject me even when I clearly asked him for some clarity? I’m still confused why he never asks me any questions and never initiates... could it be he doesn’t yet understand how he feels about me?

INFJs aren't the sort to initiate, but would respond well to initiative people. If you read about socionics, you will realise that INFJs have a victim romance style. If you want to win him over, you will have to be a very self-confident woman who always initiate non-stop.


Typical characteristics of the Victim romance style
  • prone to initial doubts about intensity of own interest in another person
  • not always confident about revealing that interest
  • inclined to focus on whether or not the other person might reciprocate the interest
  • inclined to question whether or not the other person's interest will remain constant with time
  • preference for partners that provoke in the individual a certain sense of awe in terms of power, physical presence, and the like
  • appreciation for the sense of power-play present when interacting with such partners, with acceptance of a slight sense of superiority on the part of the partner, without ever actually "submitting" to them
  • this takes the form of the individual somewhat expecting the partner to be "mean" on occasion in the case of Victim males with female partners, this latter trait assumes a characteristic analogous to a "knight devoted to his princess"
  • inclination to openly admit to a relationship having been ended by the partner rather than by the individual himself
This romance style is defined by focus on Ni which is dynamic, irrational, and introverted, with perceptions of inner imagery away from the present physical reality. This means that a Victim sees attraction between two individuals as a dynamic state, which he feels is completely natural. This accounts for a Victim's inclination to focus on the mutual attraction, or particularly the attraction felt by the other person, as to its longer-term perspectives and implications, as well as a certain expectation that the partner will continuously take action to confirm the attraction. Failure on the partner to do so results on the individual assuming that it's already changing. The individual counts on the partner to forcefully bring the individual "down to earth from his thoughts " and focus on the immediate physical reality, continuously.
 
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Discussion Starter #8
INFJs aren't the sort to initiate, but would respond well to initiative people. If you read about socionics, you will realise that INFJs have a victim romance style. If you want to win him over, you will have to be a very self-confident woman who always initiate non-stop.


Typical characteristics of the Victim romance style
  • prone to initial doubts about intensity of own interest in another person
  • not always confident about revealing that interest
  • inclined to focus on whether or not the other person might reciprocate the interest
  • inclined to question whether or not the other person's interest will remain constant with time
  • preference for partners that provoke in the individual a certain sense of awe in terms of power, physical presence, and the like
  • appreciation for the sense of power-play present when interacting with such partners, with acceptance of a slight sense of superiority on the part of the partner, without ever actually "submitting" to them
  • this takes the form of the individual somewhat expecting the partner to be "mean" on occasion in the case of Victim males with female partners, this latter trait assumes a characteristic analogous to a "knight devoted to his princess"
  • inclination to openly admit to a relationship having been ended by the partner rather than by the individual himself
This romance style is defined by focus on Ni which is dynamic, irrational, and introverted, with perceptions of inner imagery away from the present physical reality. This means that a Victim sees attraction between two individuals as a dynamic state, which he feels is completely natural. This accounts for a Victim's inclination to focus on the mutual attraction, or particularly the attraction felt by the other person, as to its longer-term perspectives and implications, as well as a certain expectation that the partner will continuously take action to confirm the attraction. Failure on the partner to do so results on the individual assuming that it's already changing. The individual counts on the partner to forcefully bring the individual "down to earth from his thoughts " and focus on the immediate physical reality, continuously.
Thanks, this makes a lot of sense and explains his behaviour!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Not sure if anyone will read this, but there have been some new developments.

So the next day after I asked him if I'm being too pushy or annoying him, I met him in one of the regular salsa parties. When he came, we said hi and we hugged each other, he seemed to be really happy to see me and it felt like he doesn't want to end the hug. We also danced once and everything seemed fine. But for the whole evening he seemed to be a bit off, very lost in the thoughts and not socialising as much as usual in those parties. And when the party was over, he left it rather abruptly and didn't even say bye to me. It's like he was avoiding me.

After that we talked a bit online and he seemed rather cold compared to how it was before. Never used emojis or smiley faces. Very short replies. Again, like he is keeping distance and avoiding me.

Just two days after the first party we met again in another party. I kinda felt that he is observing me with the corner of his eyes, but I can't confirm it. It was just a feeling. There I came to him at one point and said hi and he replied with rather awkward hi and smile, it felt quite anxious. He guessed I want to dance with him, so we did. And after the party we just said bye, again rather forced and anxious from him. I again felt as if he is avoiding me. And his replies online are becoming shorter.

Yesterday I suggested we might play chess in real life one day, at first he was avoiding the subject, but later he said that it's an ok idea, but he doesn't have any free time because he has more work to do than he can handle. Honestly, I'm so confused... everything seems as if he is not interested in talking to me, but it happened so suddenly after we met in that first party this week. Maybe he started to feel something? And it's kinda making him afraid? I've read it is often the case for INFJs... because if he really doesn't want me to bother him, why didn't he tell me when I asked?
 

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I’m sorry, @Nobody_LV, I don’t think he is interested. 😣 It seems that he’s trying to be polite. Maybe take a step back & read what you’ve described from an outsider’s POV? If someone came to you & presented the info you’re presenting, what would your opinion be?

You mentioned a couple times why he wouldn’t have just said he wasn’t interested when you told him you’d like to get to know him better. I’m confused by this- was he actually supposed to say no? Do people do this? What would your reaction have been? Would you have been ok with that? I guess it is the kinder reply ultimately, as it’s direct & prevents any future issues down the road, but I’d be so worried about hurting your feelings initially when asked that I’d never say no.

In regards to the question in the OP about curiosity, yes I am very curious about people but mostly those that pique my interest for one reason or another. Meaning there’s something different about you that stands out to me. I see something I can learn from you. I know there’s something to learn from everyone we meet, which is why I wouldn’t ever turn a person away, but I won’t be willing to commit nearly as much time to someone that doesn’t interest me as one who does.

Who knows, he could just be busy with work & other things rn so he’s not wanting to add in another thing to think about. Or he could really be taking his time & guarding his interest, but I honestly don’t think that’s the case. I think you are looking for things you want to see. I hope I’m wrong in my guesses & he does care to get to know you better! I wish you the best!
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I’m sorry, @Nobody_LV, I don’t think he is interested. 😣 It seems that he’s trying to be polite. Maybe take a step back & read what you’ve described from an outsider’s POV? If someone came to you & presented the info you’re presenting, what would your opinion be?

You mentioned a couple times why he wouldn’t have just said he wasn’t interested when you told him you’d like to get to know him better. I’m confused by this- was he actually supposed to say no? Do people do this? What would your reaction have been? Would you have been ok with that? I guess it is the kinder reply ultimately, as it’s direct & prevents any future issues down the road, but I’d be so worried about hurting your feelings initially when asked that I’d never say no.

In regards to the question in the OP about curiosity, yes I am very curious about people but mostly those that pique my interest for one reason or another. Meaning there’s something different about you that stands out to me. I see something I can learn from you. I know there’s something to learn from everyone we meet, which is why I wouldn’t ever turn a person away, but I won’t be willing to commit nearly as much time to someone that doesn’t interest me as one who does.

Who knows, he could just be busy with work & other things rn so he’s not wanting to add in another thing to think about. Or he could really be taking his time & guarding his interest, but I honestly don’t think that’s the case. I think you are looking for things you want to see. I hope I’m wrong in my guesses & he does care to get to know you better! I wish you the best!
That's what I was thinking as well, that he doesn't seem interested. Even though at the beginning he was even flirting with me a bit and showed a bit more interest.

However, just today I confronted him again and said that it does seem as if he doesn't want me to write to him, but he is too polite to say that. To which he replied that it is against his principles to control how often I write and he didn't even think about it. And once again, that wasn't the point, but he didn't exactly push me away either. I don't know, maybe he is still being just nice and don't want me to feel bad? But after all those times I told him that if he doesn't want me to write him, he can just say so... I think I was pretty clear that I don't mind being rejected.
 

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It's hard to believe that most people are blind to your level of advances. Have you considered the possibility that he's toying with you? Would think a kind and sensitive INFJ would be merciful enough to let you know they're not interested. Might be a good idea to forget this and move on fast.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
It's hard to believe that most people are blind to your level of advances. Have you considered the possibility that he's toying with you? Would think a kind and sensitive INFJ would be merciful enough to let you know they're not interested. Might be a good idea to forget this and move on fast.
I’m not sure. I’ll keep in touch with him for a while and see what happens. Maybe I will decide to move on. Because I have an impression he is a bit self-obsessed.
 

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That's what I was thinking as well, that he doesn't seem interested. Even though at the beginning he was even flirting with me a bit and showed a bit more interest.

However, just today I confronted him again and said that it does seem as if he doesn't want me to write to him, but he is too polite to say that. To which he replied that it is against his principles to control how often I write and he didn't even think about it. And once again, that wasn't the point, but he didn't exactly push me away either. I don't know, maybe he is still being just nice and don't want me to feel bad? But after all those times I told him that if he doesn't want me to write him, he can just say so... I think I was pretty clear that I don't mind being rejected.

This guy is getting on my nerves. May I ask, what is it about him that you find interesting? I am also curious what your type is, if you wouldn't mind?
 

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This guy is getting on my nerves. May I ask, what is it about him that you find interesting? I am also curious what your type is, if you wouldn't mind?
I think I like his mysteriousness, he’s also very good-looking, he has such a wonderful dreamy eyes, and he is a very good dancer. I find his mind fascinating.

I am ENFP, sometimes also testing as INFP.

Today I asked him what he mostly likes to talk about and he said he rarely talks. I’m starting to think he is just very, very introverted, too much into his own head. Maybe that’s why it never occurs to him to initiate. Would also explain why he’s still single at 40.

But who knows. Today I met him at another party and he didn’t hug me when we said hi even though he hugged everyone else. And I’m not sure if he would have even asked me for a dance if I hadn’t done it myself.
 

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I've always found that when INFJs are interested in getting to know me, or are even slightly romantically interested in me, they're experts at "making themselves available". They do this calculated socially aware thing where they aren't super initiative, but they'll put themselves near me, and they'll make it super subtle so that it doesn't come off as odd or anything but they present themselves as "easily engageable" to me with every trick they've got in that mysterious brain of theirs.

It's like the difference between an 'in your face' advertisement to buy something, and a cleverly marketed thing which is more subtle but just seems to be there when it's the most convenient time to buy. INFJs are never 'in your face' (like my style can sometimes be when I choose to) but they sort of do a lot of your job for you in these subtle ways so that it's really convenient and easy for you to engage with them.

I mean that's women, and I've noticed that the men are either also like this or learn to be a little more direct even from what I've seen.

What I will say though, is that you can't always expect someone to just be interested in you. Sometimes people are automatically attracted to you, sometimes people are automatically not interested, sometimes people just need to consider it. My philosophy has always been that if you are interested in them you need to at least test the waters properly and flirt a bit to find out, and from what you've written you're probably going to have to be a little more bold than that to find out.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I've always found that when INFJs are interested in getting to know me, or are even slightly romantically interested in me, they're experts at "making themselves available". They do this calculated socially aware thing where they aren't super initiative, but they'll put themselves near me, and they'll make it super subtle so that it doesn't come off as odd or anything but they present themselves as "easily engageable" to me with every trick they've got in that mysterious brain of theirs.

It's like the difference between an 'in your face' advertisement to buy something, and a cleverly marketed thing which is more subtle but just seems to be there when it's the most convenient time to buy. INFJs are never 'in your face' (like my style can sometimes be when I choose to) but they sort of do a lot of your job for you in these subtle ways so that it's really convenient and easy for you to engage with them.

I mean that's women, and I've noticed that the men are either also like this or learn to be a little more direct even from what I've seen.

What I will say though, is that you can't always expect someone to just be interested in you. Sometimes people are automatically attracted to you, sometimes people are automatically not interested, sometimes people just need to consider it. My philosophy has always been that if you are interested in them you need to at least test the waters properly and flirt a bit to find out, and from what you've written you're probably going to have to be a little more bold than that to find out.
Thanks for the reply! Well, I think I’ve already been bold enough, but I think I might really just ask it straight away very soon :D
 
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