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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My brother and I always had a close relationship. More like best friends than siblings. About five years ago, he met his current wife and started to distant himself from me. I took it as him wanting to spend more time with his girlfriend and thought nothing of it. Then he started becoming nasty whenever the girlfriend was around, criticising my lack of a social life and making peanuts from my job. I let that slide too, cos he just got promoted at work and maybe needed a punching bag whenever he was stressed out.

After he got married last year, all hell broke loose. He started accusing me of making his wife feel stupid. She's a teacher and she has to be *right* all the time. I mean, ALL THE TIME! Even on subjects she's not familiar with, she has to feel like the smartest one. On one of the rare occasions he still confided in me, he said that she was not the most logical person in the world. But for the sake of peace, he would let her teach him physics though he's an engineer and advised me to do the same. She also doesn't care for me and my family because we're too "dysfunctional".

I don't see him very often, maybe twice a month. But when I do, his wife will cut in on our conversations and say it's the most boring thing in the world, during which he'll blame me for not being able to come up with something more interesting to talk about (like celebrity gossips).

He was never like that. He used to enjoy philosophical debates and music. But now, all he cares about are: her and his clique (which she approves of)... and making sure he makes me look stupid in front of his wife.

My question is: Is it common among INFPs to change so drastically for love, even to the point of alienating the people most close to him? :mellow:
 

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I suspect your brother has been 'dominated' as such by her personality. He may even think that the right thing to do is to totally agree with his wife (sadly I WAS like that...) I think it maybe due to a big fear that if he disagrees with her he cannot love her and so their relationship is meaningless.

To be frank for an INFP to say someone is not logical is as close to saying they are fucked up in the head!

I suggest you only try to meet your brother on your terms without his wife
 

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Sorry to hear about the distress.

While I don't want to assume too much since we only have one piece to the puzzle, INFPs in my eyes, love to 'attach' to things. So when the bitch ( :proud: ) came into the picture and his time became divided, you took a respectful approach of giving him that space. Unfortunately, that can easily send a signal that you are not interested in hanging out with him anymore (abandonment~). With that in mind, he'll likely cling onto the person that, as it would appear, desperately wants his attention ( Mrs. B ).

INFPs can be fiercely loyal, to a fault. While they are often hard set on a number of morals, that can often be bypassed through people they have a strong romantic connection with. In other words, they're a walking contradiction.

It is entirely possible that he's becoming a little more antagonizing with you because of conflicts he's having within himself. I'm sure he has had a number of disputes with the lady, not necessarily about you, but enough to cause him psychological distress. That likely led him to becoming even more of a pushover to avoid those future disputes. That can often make someone feel like less of a person, and to empower himself he may be lashing out on you. In the same breath, is there any possibility you may be a bit hypersensitive to his comments based on the circumstances?

Based on the way you feel, maybe you should try to talk to him about things privately? You don't necessarily have to vent everything, but you can always stress how great of a relationship you guys once had and how you feel it has been slipping away. Follow that up with an empathetic response that you understand he's busy and has numerous responsibilities etc, but that you guys should try to make an effort to get together a bit more.

I know that in-spite of everything, you still deeply care. Sometimes it's just a matter of reminding someone. I'm sure the same is there in reverse, you just have to dig a bit deeper to find it.
 

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I agree really strongly with what everyone has said, and I sympathize with your circumstance. I know of an almost identical situation where an INFP was overshadowed by his wife. It has sadly caused him to lose connections with a lot of the people who were once close with him, because he adapted the values of his wife. I was never really in a place to reach out to him....

My best advice is to make sure you don't step on the values that his wife has instilled in him, because that will probably only make an INFP very angry. The best thing you can do is validate those values by continuing to show your support and as others have mentioned, just keep showing you care about him and wish you could connect with him like you used to. Complaining to him or being angry about his wife will not make things better, because it sounds like your brother is doing all he can to hold on to his relationship with her, whether or not it's healthy for him. If you use your emotional connection with your brother to reach out and re-connect with him, I'm sure you will get a response. He may even stick up for you a little if this emotional connection is strong enough---maybe. :unsure:
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I think it maybe due to a big fear that if he disagrees with her he cannot love her and so their relationship is meaningless.
I never considered that. Thanks! :happy:

Based on the way you feel, maybe you should try to talk to him about things privately? You don't necessarily have to vent everything, but you can always stress how great of a relationship you guys once had and how you feel it has been slipping away. Follow that up with an empathetic response that you understand he's busy and has numerous responsibilities etc, but that you guys should try to make an effort to get together a bit more.
I have tried that a couple of times in the past year. The last time we spoke, he told me it was my fault that I couldn't get along with his wife. When I asked him why, he said now that they are married, she sees me as family and her family treats her like a princess who can do no wrong. But my lack of "respect" for her is ruining our relationship (me and my brother's).

What breaks my heart is seeing that he's changing so much for a person who doesn't appreciate what he has to offer. I showed her the description of INFP last week, cos I figured she would be interested in reading about her husband. (He agrees with the result.) But after reading one paragraph, she threw it back and said, "Bullshit! That's not my husband at all." :sad:
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
My best advice is to make sure you don't step on the values that his wife has instilled in him, because that will probably only make an INFP very angry.
Great advice. I'll keep that in mind.

it sounds like your brother is doing all he can to hold on to his relationship with her, whether or not it's healthy for him.
My introverted dad told me the other day that he wished my brother never married the wife. I'm an INTP; feeling isn't my greatest strength. But right then, I felt like crying. :sad:
 

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I'm sorry that this happened to you.

Have you tried meeting him without having his wife around...just to talk, as brother and sister ?

EDIT: ah, should have refreshed :)
 
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When I'm in a relationship, I feel compelled to give everything I can to make it work, and the relationship is pretty much my main priority. It feels dishonorable and like betrayal to my love to do any less than that. Basically, I'm "all in" until it's all over. If anyone seems like they're trying to get me to be a less good partner, then I especially make sure to cut them out of my life.
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I'm sorry that this happened to you.

Have you tried meeting him without having his wife around...just to talk, as brother and sister ?

EDIT: ah, should have refreshed :)
It happens to me all the time too :laughing:

When I'm in a relationship, I feel compelled to give everything I can to make it work, and the relationship is pretty much my main priority. It feels dishonorable and like betrayal to my love to do any less than that. Basically, I'm "all in" until it's all over. If anyone seems like they're trying to get me to be a less good partner, then I especially make sure to cut them out of my life.
That is a scary thought... :confused:
 

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It happens to me all the time too :laughing:



That is a scary thought... :confused:
It will depend on your brother's moral framework whether he would do it. He may hold a basic value of never turning his back on his own blood, so he might never cut you off completely. However, it seems to be a common INFP behavior that when someone really violates our Fi, we do have a tendency to just "switch off" and completely stop caring and usually interacting with the other person at all. However, that seems to only happen when the other person has behaved in a way that we find completely morally reprehensible.
 

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My brother and I always had a close relationship. More like best friends than siblings. About five years ago, he met his current wife and started to distant himself from me. I took it as him wanting to spend more time with his girlfriend and thought nothing of it. Then he started becoming nasty whenever the girlfriend was around, criticising my lack of a social life and making peanuts from my job. I let that slide too, cos he just got promoted at work and maybe needed a punching bag whenever he was stressed out.

After he got married last year, all hell broke loose. He started accusing me of making his wife feel stupid. She's a teacher and she has to be *right* all the time. I mean, ALL THE TIME! Even on subjects she's not familiar with, she has to feel like the smartest one. On one of the rare occasions he still confided in me, he said that she was not the most logical person in the world. But for the sake of peace, he would let her teach him physics though he's an engineer and advised me to do the same. She also doesn't care for me and my family because we're too "dysfunctional".

I don't see him very often, maybe twice a month. But when I do, his wife will cut in on our conversations and say it's the most boring thing in the world, during which he'll blame me for not being able to come up with something more interesting to talk about (like celebrity gossips).

He was never like that. He used to enjoy philosophical debates and music. But now, all he cares about are: her and his clique (which she approves of)... and making sure he makes me look stupid in front of his wife.

My question is: Is it common among INFPs to change so drastically for love, even to the point of alienating the people most close to him? :mellow:

Errrr... I think this is more of an individual issue, rather than an INFP issue.

I honor intensity in relationships and connections, but I wouldn't do that to a friend who was there for me. Actually I wouldn't feel the need to lash out and act cruel for the sake of keeping the relationship. Why should I? If it was a good relationship, I wouldn't need to. I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who brought out the worst in me.

Plus, if someone was that assured in his relationship, he wouldn't need to act like that. He would be comfortable just being himself instead of having to pretend. Maybe he's insecure around his wife?
 

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She sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder. In that case, anybody would be fair game, but I imagine an INFP would be particularly easy to manipulate. I strongly suspect my SIL has NPD and my once wonderful BIL is nearly unrecognizable now, after more than 15 years of being "assimilated".
Stockholm syndrome, maybe...
 

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Then he started becoming nasty whenever the girlfriend was around, criticising my lack of a social life and making peanuts from my job. I let that slide too, cos he just got promoted at work and maybe needed a punching bag whenever he was stressed out.

On one of the rare occasions he still confided in me, he said that she was not the most logical person in the world. But for the sake of peace, he would let her teach him physics though he's an engineer and advised me to do the same.

I don't see him very often, maybe twice a month. But when I do, his wife will cut in on our conversations and say it's the most boring thing in the world, during which he'll blame me for not being able to come up with something more interesting to talk about (like celebrity gossips).

He was never like that. He used to enjoy philosophical debates and music. But now, all he cares about are: her and his clique (which she approves of)... and making sure he makes me look stupid in front of his wife.

My question is: Is it common among INFPs to change so drastically for love, even to the point of alienating the people most close to him? :mellow:[/QUOTE]

For me personally, this hasn't been my experience in love, but I have changed my behaviour in these ways in the past for career, and friends.

but at the time in my life when I did that, which I know refer to as the 'LOST YEARS' I was extremely insecure about who I was. I valued who I was but thought no one else would and so I had to do these things to be 'successful' (I've never done this for love because I've always considered it the worst thing you can do in a relationship, because even if the other person ends up totally in love with you for it, I've always thought I'd suffer because they didn't love the real me and I was lying to them, and one day it would explode and they would find out I wasn't the person I pretended to be and they would no longer love me). but I did the being nasty to my friends, putting them down, and my mum,

and the going along with information accurate or not for friends sake so they wouldn't get upset, and changing the topics I talk about, but that last one I just find I never can keep up I'm always found out and I get that look I hate of 'what planet are you from' and I suddenly feel very lost and rejected. :sad:

but I quit all that stuff going about two years,

I hope you can sort things out with your brother and stuff gets better between you :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Errrr... I think this is more of an individual issue, rather than an INFP issue.

I honor intensity in relationships and connections, but I wouldn't do that to a friend who was there for me. Actually I wouldn't feel the need to lash out and act cruel for the sake of keeping the relationship. Why should I? If it was a good relationship, I wouldn't need to. I wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who brought out the worst in me.

Plus, if someone was that assured in his relationship, he wouldn't need to act like that. He would be comfortable just being himself instead of having to pretend. Maybe he's insecure around his wife?
Insecure as in he thinks he's not good enough for her?

She sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder. In that case, anybody would be fair game, but I imagine an INFP would be particularly easy to manipulate. I strongly suspect my SIL has NPD and my once wonderful BIL is nearly unrecognizable now, after more than 15 years of being "assimilated".
Stockholm syndrome, maybe...
What are the main changes in him?

I've never done this for love because I've always considered it the worst thing you can do in a relationship, because even if the other person ends up totally in love with you for it, I've always thought I'd suffer because they didn't love the real me and I was lying to them, and one day it would explode and they would find out I wasn't the person I pretended to be and they would no longer love me.
That's how I see it too...
 

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I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him. He may not like it, but in this case I really think you need to be honest and tell him how you feel. Being an infp doesn't give him an excuse to act that way. Tell him it is bothering you, and that you simply won't put up with it. This may put him off initially, and he may withdraw at first, but if he has any conscience, and still cares about you, I think he'll come back. I truly believe honesty and communication is the best thing here. You aren't doing anything wrong; yes you should be respectful of his wife, but that doesn't mean you need to subject yourself to everything she says just because your brother thinks you should. That isn't your job.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I think you need to sit down and have a talk with him. He may not like it, but in this case I really think you need to be honest and tell him how you feel. Being an infp doesn't give him an excuse to act that way. Tell him it is bothering you, and that you simply won't put up with it. This may put him off initially, and he may withdraw at first, but if he has any conscience, and still cares about you, I think he'll come back. I truly believe honesty and communication is the best thing here. You aren't doing anything wrong; yes you should be respectful of his wife, but that doesn't mean you need to subject yourself to everything she says just because your brother thinks you should. That isn't your job.
I really hope so too. I wish he would confide in me freely like he used to. I'm in no way trying to break them up, and I'm not sure if he knows that... :unsure:
 

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Perhaps there is already enough stick?

Try the carrot! When with him, talk about the good times you have had together. How much you adore some things in him. That will catch his attention, and show him why you should have a relationship still, in a very meaningful manner.

You can also try doing the same thing with his wife. It will help to clean the air, for everyone :happy:
 
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Darksoul - there is strong possibility that your brother realises he maybe with the wrong woman. Its like investing emotionally ...if he has sunk a lot into this relationship - well he IS married to her - he may simply be trying to make the best of a bad situation. Its hard to admit mistakes and emotional investment for an INFP is MORE important than money, well more important than almost everything.

I've been in your brother's situation. I think he just needs help in escaping from her! Look at his behaviour as a cry for help.

BTW I really do not believe there is anything you can do about his wife - avoid her...do not give yourself any grief
 

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Insecure as in he thinks he's not good enough for her?..:
In my similar experience o your brother I would guess its not really about feeling inferior but maybe a realisation that his personality has become 'warped' and 'bent out of shape' by her - and he just needs to become himself again. The insecurity he is facing is almost certainly that he fears that if he adjusts back , he will lose her, so like a 'good' INFP he is trying to please all people (but himself) at all times. In a sense he is trying to square the circle...pull off something that is impossible
 

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Talk to him about it. It sounds like you see the situation for what it is. Maybe he thinks this is the best he can do.

I couldn't imagine being around people who didn't let me voice my opinion. I would go nutts around that lady. She sounds extremely stupid despite that she's a teacher. It sounds like life has been handed to her on a platter and now she's expecting your brother like something to be devoured.

If you get him a lone and talk to him you'll find he has the same complaints. So, voice it in a way that he understands and give examples. This isnt healthy. Sometimes family has to be the eyes and ears for each other. Youve got to speak up. I do think if you get him alone he'll agree. It will take numerous one on ones but eventually maybe he'll stand up for himself.

Oh, and next time she doesnt know what shes talking about say so! You are allowing her more control by allowing her dominance. Be fiesty. Disagree. Tell her youd like to hear from your brother who is an engineer and not her. Speak up. You'd be surprised, even though youre an INFP that you really can be assertive on this one.

I know INFPs prefer being passive. But this is the exact situation that calls for your impassioned response. If youre feeling this strongly to bring it here in the forum it means your suffering from not speaking out! So, speak out! Put that b**** in her place. Dont let family problems get swept under the rug. Or else it will eat your family from the inside out.
 
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