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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
So, I've recently struck up a very nice relationship with this INTP female at work. We met while working on a project together. Long story short, when we meet in person it's clicking on all cylinders and it's becoming very evident that we are very complementary(and complimentary!) of each other. By now, we've both expressed verbally how much we appreciate each other in each others' lives and have even eaten together after work a few times. We've also shared some deeply personal things about each other.

Here's the conundrum:

1) Recently, something happened in her personal life that requires some extra attention/energy/care so she stopped coming by the communal workplace we usually meet. No big deal, I understand, but it seems like the "relationship growth" has taken a huge halt and may even be... subsiding? from where it originally was. Could this lead to moving backwards in this relationship?

2) I once asked her if she wanted to do something recreational(early on in the relationship), but it was met with a lot of hesitation and awkward, "I don't know..." "Maybe..." type answer. But then later I asked her another recreational activity where she had no qualms and was actually obliged in accepting(we scheduled it for like a month later when the busy season at work ends). Why the flip-flop? I fear she'll back out when the time comes.

3) Texting, my GOD the texting. Usually our texts begin with work related things and somewhat timidly may venture into the personal, but it's still very business-oriented. A couple times she did send me things I'd be interested in and vice versa, but only a few times. She seems to be very active on social media and probably messages a lot of people. I, probably mistakenly, assumed that I would be high on her "online communication" priority list given our close interaction/relationship when physically together, but sometimes it doesn't seem that way. I'd send her a pretty... thoughtful, reply-able message or reply and so far at max, it takes a full day, day and half for her to respond. Sometimes she'll just drop an emoji and not respond and then send me a text later with some pertinent work-related items. What also drives me up the wall is that I KNOW she replies to other people or engages with other people even after I have sent the message and I know for a fact she's seen/received it. Is she 1) being overly-cautious with me? 2) overly-careless with me?(Basically I'm reading more into the relationship than she is), 3) she's an INTP and she's a unicorn and a mystery and she remains to keep it that way?

4) Please recommend ways I should continue to court her. She's definitely worth the time/struggle. From what I can tell, she enjoys my company and doesn't find me burdensome(I've been matching her in terms of what I feel she's comfortable with).

I'm smitten by this INTP and coming to know her, I feel that INTPs are like unicorns; rare, amazing and definitely worth the struggle. (btw, I know unicorns are mythical)

So, I appeal to the INTP gods in this forum to share your wisdom!

Thanks for the read!
 

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A few things stand out to me here.

First, INTPs aren't unicorns. We might be quiet and surprise you sometimes with what we say or do, but that does not make us more interesting or more compatible with you. If things work out between you it's because the two of you are compatible and it has little to do with her MBTI. I guarantee you wouldn't last long in a relationship with over half the INTPs on this forum.

Second, maybe give the fedora tipping a bit of a rest. This woman has shown interest in you and has given you lots of her attention. That's a good thing. You don't just go out to dinner with a man randomly because he kind of entertains you.
Just because she doesn't always answer you right away doesn't mean she doesn't want to or care to. And messaging you about work seems normal to me since you are coworkers.

Give her a break, m8. Sounds like you're trying to rush into things and she's putting on the breaks. Not everyone is comfortable with starting relationships at the same rate. You, being the quicker one, need to give her time to become comfortable. Send her messages but don't pressure her to answer. Be kind and understanding and maybe you can develop things further.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
A few things stand out to me here.

First, INTPs aren't unicorns. We might be quiet and surprise you sometimes with what we say or do, but that does not make us more interesting or more compatible with you. If things work out between you it's because the two of you are compatible and it has little to do with her MBTI. I guarantee you wouldn't last long in a relationship with over half the INTPs on this forum.

Second, maybe give the fedora tipping a bit of a rest. This woman has shown interest in you and has given you lots of her attention. That's a good thing. You don't just go out to dinner with a man randomly because he kind of entertains you.
Just because she doesn't always answer you right away doesn't mean she doesn't want to or care to. And messaging you about work seems normal to me since you are coworkers.

Give her a break, m8. Sounds like you're trying to rush into things and she's putting on the breaks. Not everyone is comfortable with starting relationships at the same rate. You, being the quicker one, need to give her time to become comfortable. Send her messages but don't pressure her to answer. Be kind and understanding and maybe you can develop things further.
Thank you for your honest reply!
I am in my early-mid 20s and have been told I could be a bit hasty at times, and I only mentioned unicorns because apparently, intp is one of the rarest.
 

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None of this seems puzzling to me. I don't know your friend, so I'll answer as if you were asking about me:

So, I've recently struck up a very nice relationship with this INTP female at work. We met while working on a project together. Long story short, when we meet in person it's clicking on all cylinders and it's becoming very evident that we are very complementary(and complimentary!) of each other. By now, we've both expressed verbally how much we appreciate each other in each others' lives and have even eaten together after work a few times. We've also shared some deeply personal things about each other.

Sounds like everything is great. The only mystery might be whether she sees you as a romantic prospect.

1) Recently, something happened in her personal life that requires some extra attention/energy/care so she stopped coming by the communal workplace we usually meet. No big deal, I understand, but it seems like the "relationship growth" has taken a huge halt and may even be... subsiding? from where it originally was. Could this lead to moving backwards in this relationship?

Impossible to say. Life could lead her in another direction. Or she could be missing your presence every moment. In the meantime, why not offer her your help or support, instead of obsessing about the "relationship"?

2) I once asked her if she wanted to do something recreational(early on in the relationship), but it was met with a lot of hesitation and awkward, "I don't know..." "Maybe..." type answer. But then later I asked her another recreational activity where she had no qualms and was actually obliged in accepting(we scheduled it for like a month later when the busy season at work ends). Why the flip-flop? I fear she'll back out when the time comes.

It's not a flip-flop. She had mixed feelings about the first activity, but not the second one. Why would you doubt her word? That seems kind of insulting on your part. Unless you're just insecure, or have known a lot of dishonorable people.

3) Texting, my GOD the texting. [...] What also drives me up the wall is that I KNOW she replies to other people or engages with other people even after I have sent the message and I know for a fact she's seen/received it.

People relate to each friend/contact in different ways. If you get along fine in person, stop counting the words and trying to compare her online interactions with you vs those with others. Myself, I might take longer to respond to one person because I want to carefully consider what they said, or how I'm going to reply. Whereas with another person it's just superficial banter and easy to reply right away.

4) Please recommend ways I should continue to court her. She's definitely worth the time/struggle. From what I can tell, she enjoys my company and doesn't find me burdensome(I've been matching her in terms of what I feel she's comfortable with).

Spend more time with her. Express your feelings (if you dare), and also your admiration; female INTPs' wonderful qualities tend to go unappreciated. As I suggested above, offer your support when appropriate. And ... believe what she tells you. She is probably an honest person, and doubting an INTP's word is a real turn-off.

Good luck!
 

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@beenthere

This:
Sounds like everything is great. The only mystery might be whether she sees you as a romantic prospect.
There is a difference between winning someone over by being friends and being friendly. Pals ain't romance. I'm tempted to say, the next time something is happening where you both feel warm about something, lean over and give her a kiss on the cheek. She if she is appreciative or is embarrassed or pulls away. (But then, what do I know?) What do you think, @islandlight?
 

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@BigApplePi Ha ha, what do I know? Every courtship is different. Could be a kiss, a flower, a date, or plain language. But I agree that making one's feelings known early on is best. Otherwise you remain pals forever.

@beenthere I apologize for using the word "suspect" in my post (before editing). I thought you said you "suspect" she will back out. Now I see that you said you "fear" it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
@BigApplePi Ha ha, what do I know? Every courtship is different. Could be a kiss, a flower, a date, or plain language. But I agree that making one's feelings known early on is best. Otherwise you remain pals forever.

@beenthere I apologize for using the word "suspect" in my post (before editing). I thought you said you "suspect" she will back out. Now I see that you said you "fear" it.
You're absolutely right, though! Perhaps I am insecure. Might be due to some... experiences in my European upbringing. Anyway! Really appreciate the comments/feedback!
 

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One potential mistake on your part is that you are messaging her just for attention, just to test the water for your own benefit ('Does she like me enough?').

I, probably mistakenly, assumed that I would be high on her "online communication" priority list given our close interaction/relationship when physically together, but sometimes it doesn't seem that way.
As long as you are not interesting/entertaining in your communication, you will not make that priority list. The what often matters more than the who. So be yourself, and if you are good talker about the stuff she cares about (I am sure you got this in you), you got yourself a shot. Plus: you will be able to say more honestly to yourself that the whole thing is enjoyable to you. That is always a good marker.
 

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Could be a kiss, a flower, a date, or plain language. But I agree that making one's feelings known early on is best. Otherwise you remain pals forever.
Love this reply. "Pals" do not give each other flowers unless they are both florists, lol. I guess there are many ways to declare love than I know about. I suppose even if the gift of one flower is not understood, giving another and another would get across.
 

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So, I've recently struck up a very nice relationship with this INTP female at work. We met while working on a project together. Long story short, when we meet in person it's clicking on all cylinders and it's becoming very evident that we are very complementary(and complimentary!) of each other. By now, we've both expressed verbally how much we appreciate each other in each others' lives and have even eaten together after work a few times. We've also shared some deeply personal things about each other.

Here's the conundrum:

1) Recently, something happened in her personal life that requires some extra attention/energy/care so she stopped coming by the communal workplace we usually meet. No big deal, I understand, but it seems like the "relationship growth" has taken a huge halt and may even be... subsiding? from where it originally was. Could this lead to moving backwards in this relationship?

2) I once asked her if she wanted to do something recreational(early on in the relationship), but it was met with a lot of hesitation and awkward, "I don't know..." "Maybe..." type answer. But then later I asked her another recreational activity where she had no qualms and was actually obliged in accepting(we scheduled it for like a month later when the busy season at work ends). Why the flip-flop? I fear she'll back out when the time comes.

3) Texting, my GOD the texting. Usually our texts begin with work related things and somewhat timidly may venture into the personal, but it's still very business-oriented. A couple times she did send me things I'd be interested in and vice versa, but only a few times. She seems to be very active on social media and probably messages a lot of people. I, probably mistakenly, assumed that I would be high on her "online communication" priority list given our close interaction/relationship when physically together, but sometimes it doesn't seem that way. I'd send her a pretty... thoughtful, reply-able message or reply and so far at max, it takes a full day, day and half for her to respond. Sometimes she'll just drop an emoji and not respond and then send me a text later with some pertinent work-related items. What also drives me up the wall is that I KNOW she replies to other people or engages with other people even after I have sent the message and I know for a fact she's seen/received it. Is she 1) being overly-cautious with me? 2) overly-careless with me?(Basically I'm reading more into the relationship than she is), 3) she's an INTP and she's a unicorn and a mystery and she remains to keep it that way?

4) Please recommend ways I should continue to court her. She's definitely worth the time/struggle. From what I can tell, she enjoys my company and doesn't find me burdensome(I've been matching her in terms of what I feel she's comfortable with).

I'm smitten by this INTP and coming to know her, I feel that INTPs are like unicorns; rare, amazing and definitely worth the struggle. (btw, I know unicorns are mythical)

So, I appeal to the INTP gods in this forum to share your wisdom!

Thanks for the read!
Let her know that you miss her and find her super attractive and just continue to stroke her ego.
 

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2) I do this all the time. I just need time to think and so would rather give myself the freedom to decide rather than saying an immediate yes which takes away my freedom to choose once I've thought about it.
 

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So, I've recently struck up a very nice relationship with this INTP female at work. We met while working on a project together. Long story short, when we meet in person it's clicking on all cylinders and it's becoming very evident that we are very complementary(and complimentary!) of each other. By now, we've both expressed verbally how much we appreciate each other in each others' lives and have even eaten together after work a few times. We've also shared some deeply personal things about each other.

Here's the conundrum:

1) Recently, something happened in her personal life that requires some extra attention/energy/care so she stopped coming by the communal workplace we usually meet. No big deal, I understand, but it seems like the "relationship growth" has taken a huge halt and may even be... subsiding? from where it originally was. Could this lead to moving backwards in this relationship?

2) I once asked her if she wanted to do something recreational(early on in the relationship), but it was met with a lot of hesitation and awkward, "I don't know..." "Maybe..." type answer. But then later I asked her another recreational activity where she had no qualms and was actually obliged in accepting(we scheduled it for like a month later when the busy season at work ends). Why the flip-flop? I fear she'll back out when the time comes.

3) Texting, my GOD the texting. Usually our texts begin with work related things and somewhat timidly may venture into the personal, but it's still very business-oriented. A couple times she did send me things I'd be interested in and vice versa, but only a few times. She seems to be very active on social media and probably messages a lot of people. I, probably mistakenly, assumed that I would be high on her "online communication" priority list given our close interaction/relationship when physically together, but sometimes it doesn't seem that way. I'd send her a pretty... thoughtful, reply-able message or reply and so far at max, it takes a full day, day and half for her to respond. Sometimes she'll just drop an emoji and not respond and then send me a text later with some pertinent work-related items. What also drives me up the wall is that I KNOW she replies to other people or engages with other people even after I have sent the message and I know for a fact she's seen/received it. Is she 1) being overly-cautious with me? 2) overly-careless with me?(Basically I'm reading more into the relationship than she is), 3) she's an INTP and she's a unicorn and a mystery and she remains to keep it that way?

4) Please recommend ways I should continue to court her. She's definitely worth the time/struggle. From what I can tell, she enjoys my company and doesn't find me burdensome(I've been matching her in terms of what I feel she's comfortable with).

I'm smitten by this INTP and coming to know her, I feel that INTPs are like unicorns; rare, amazing and definitely worth the struggle. (btw, I know unicorns are mythical)

So, I appeal to the INTP gods in this forum to share your wisdom!

Thanks for the read!
So as an ENTP I think I could probably help ya with an INTP. I'm gonna go backwards on your points. Firstly, it's usually rare to tell how burdensome you are to an INTP, they are notoriously hard to read, and you aren't really meant to be perceiving through Fe if you're an ENFP, and playing off that evidently is making you come to a somewhat bad conclusion, even INFJs struggled to read INTPs. Matching INTPs if she is one isn't typically the way to go, you want to open them up and get past that overbearing and overthinking conclusive Ti - Si loop, and engage their Ne. As for all of it, you're definitely overthinking it. INTPs typically aren't that prone to social discourse (Especially seeing as she comes off as Sp/So, so avoiding Sx). INTPs like most INxx types have to push themselves off a bridge to do anything, or they start overthinking like crazy and won't act on anything, because they presume the worst, and they tend to rest and think on a decision for a while before making one, and occasionally forget the decision in the first place. Also the elephant in the room, they are not good at reading people, find it cumbersome, and it only brings them atrophy. However, if she truly is sharing deeply personal information with you, especially with how likely INTPs are to be type 5, it probably shows she trusts you a great deal and literally has no clue you like her Ti - Ne is not very good at picking up on social cues and overanalyzes relationships in the wrong place, and greatly fears making mistakes or doing something wrong in a relationship, and they become very prone to withdrawing out of nowhere, especially to recharge, I find myself needing space to recharge after being stressed and I would imagine INTPs even moreso. I would say your best bet is to engage her interests and passions actively, but let her come into feelings and emotions at her own pace. And honestly the best way to court an intp is to court them, if you've won them over you have, and they typically aren't prone to gift giving or acts of services, often they value quality time and contact with those they are romantically interested in as a far as I know, asking them out is the best way to court them, very bluntly at that.
 

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You have already gotten some great insight in your replies but I wanted to mention that my independent streak was catnip to my INTP in the courting phase. I am a woman though and my INTP partner is a man. Although maybe it would be attractive to her too. Just remember it's not the same as playing hard to get. There is no manipulation or games here. Just do your own thing and be confident. I barely texted him for small talk. I liked seeing him about once a week.
 
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