Personality Cafe banner

1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
PerC Mermaid
Joined
·
23,481 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hola everyone!:happy: I need some advice, I am curious about INFJs opinions but feel free to answer to this post no matter your type, I will appreciate your help....
Ok, I had this argument with my boyfriend the other day (he´s an INTJ) and I was telling him that I wasn´t getting the attention I need, I told him that "my emotional needs" weren´t being covered and I also told him I needed more, more attention, more reassuring words, more shows of affection and he told me I was "the neediest female he´s ever had to deal with" that was shocking, I have to admit and I felt...well, I am not sure the way I felt, but it wasn´t a pleasant feeling....our conversation didn´t end well, we both were upset at that moment. The next time we talked (about two days after that "incident") he apologized and said he knew it was a harsh comment and that it wasn´t intended as criticism but more like an "observation". The thing is I couldn´t stop thinking about it, I don´t feel well with that observation, I don´t want to be "the neediest female he´s ever had to deal with" ......but I am. I tried to find the way to stop feeling this way, but he hurt me, he hurt my feelings even if it wasn´t his intention. I don´t know how to stop being so needy or clingy or demanding, I wish I knew, because I love this man, I love him so much and I want to be the right woman for him, but I just don´t know how to change that part of me or even if I can change that.
After that argument I put some distance between us, I stopped talking with him for a while, I stopped sending messages and I didn´t spend time with him the next day after our "fight" and then he did the most amazing thing he could have done, right out of the blue, he sent me a message wishing me to have a wonderful day. I almost cried when I got it, because he doesn´t use to do things like that, he just did it because he knows I like/need those things, and it totally made my day.
We are ok now, we talked a lot and things are fine between us, but I have this "fear" of screw things up because I am too needy or demanding or clingy or whatever, I am basically scared of being myself and say the wrong thing and show my "needy" part once again.
I don´t want to stop communication with him, I don´t want to stop being the way I am or doing the things I do for him to know I am thinking of him or how much I love him, but I don´t want him to think of me as the neediest female ever....So my questions are.....Have you ever been called the neediest person someone´s had to deal with? if it´s so, how did you deal with that? if it´s not, how do you think you would deal with it?

Please feel free to ask if you need more information, I will answer..... and thanks for reading :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
663 Posts
I can become more as distant than needy. I tend to give a lot to others but as lame as it might sound I have difficulties in accepting the love of others..but I am getting better and eventually will achieve a proper balance.

When I have any kind of problem...I always try to go to the source of it..try to figure where it started. Mostly the relationships we have with our SO are a recreation of the relationship with had with our parents( or parent figure). We usually have some emotional wounds that need healing and our subconscious draw us to be attracted to someone that can mimic the same conditions we face when we were a child. Usually the SO also has emotional wounds on their own that he/she needs to address through the other person. As a child do you feel sometimes neglected by your parents or a part of you was afraid that if you didn't show your feelings constantly they might go away or that you needed constantly to hear/show how much they care about you?. Probably your SO might be a bit distant himself and he also need to do some emotional healing. Try to communicate your doubts/anxieties/fear to your partner. He is your partner after all ;p, I am sure that he will understand you or will do his best and you will feel better because a huge weight will be lifted from you.

Never be scared to be yourself :) . There is joy in self-expression. We are the most happy when people accept us for who we truly are. We aren't perfect, everyone have issues. Another question: Do you tend to do everything together with your partner?. I have also another theory but don't want to cause controversy here :p...but if you are curious could send you a message about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
93 Posts
I can become more as distant than needy. I tend to give a lot to others but as lame as it might sound I have difficulties in accepting the love of others..but I am getting better and eventually will achieve a proper balance.
This is how I also act, I have serious issues considering my own needs and preferences, all I can tell you is what I like and don't like, but don't ask me what I love more than the other. I can't just decide between yoghurt and milk, are you insane? I don't prefer one over the other, it all depends on circumstances. If you are happy, I'm happy. But if you're sad, you'd have to be my most beloved person to make me sad, if not, then I'll simply help you become happy, so I'm happy, but your sadness is most likely making me sad actually, but I don't really want to show it, and so I move on to the next.

Then there's the love of my life, now this person has my complete devotion, I just want to improve this person's quality of life until I die, and by doing so, improve my own quality of life for this person.This person is the only one I desire to be loved back by, I don't want love from anyone else, all I need is a little appreciation as feedback from others to tell if they're happy with my assistance or not but anything more than that is too much. Your happiness is my happiness, that is my reward.

Something most rewarding is helping someone with the help you are capable of providing... but when a person tries to change you into something you're not, it's trying to destroy your very core. Being selfish? It's not in my nature to be selfish, I want to assist you and help you change your situation, not help you change me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30,772 Posts
Hey Argentina,
On one hand, you want, nay, need to be true to yourself. On the other hand, you don't want to scare off the one you love by appearing to be too needy. Welcome to the wonderful world of being an INFJ in a relationship! The good new is your lover seems to get it, somewhat at least. What you have to guard against is making him feel pressured to respond on an on-going basis to your needs and desires that, to his mind, come seemingly out of the blue. That's not to say you should curb your feelings, but perhaps try to spend time with them, become very aware of them while they are happening, be OK with yourself the whole time, and even embrace yourself for being the wonderful person you truly are as all this is happening! I know, it's a lot to ask. Bring some mindfulness to the experience, if only to get a slightly better handle on what exactly is going on, and why you have come to feel the way you are feeling at that particular moment. Sometimes an emotion is triggered that has nothing to do with the situation at hand. You might even try talking about that with him. From that lofty perch, you might proceed with a conversation asking for what it is you would really like - a hug, a kiss, some words of support, reassurance, whatever hits the spot for you. If he's at all perceptive, and I'm guessing he is or you would not have entered into a relationship with him, he should respond in kind, realizing that you are not simply having a knee-jerk reaction, but are being thoughtful about it all.

At the end of the day, he needs to accept you for who you are. He needs to love you for who you are. He needs to realize just how lucky he is to have you in his life. You can be true to yourself and get what it is you so much desire, if you're coming from a place of love, and not need or insecurity. He should be able to tell the difference. None of this is easy when you're in the throes of it all, but I'm confident you can do this! Bon chance!!
 

·
PerC Mermaid
Joined
·
23,481 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Thank you all for the quickly replies :)

@Agape
" As a child do you feel sometimes neglected by your parents or a part of you was afraid that if you didn't show your feelings constantly they might go away or that you needed constantly to hear/show how much they care about you?"

I certainly can relate to this and I am sure my insecurity has a lot to do with this, you have a good point here.

"Try to communicate your doubts/anxieties/fear to your partner. He is your partner after all ;p, I am sure that he will understand you or will do his best and you will feel better because a huge weight will be lifted from you."

We talk a lot, I let him know the way I feel about everything, I trust him so much and I allowed him to know me well, the best as i can, because I want him to see all of me, the good things and the flaws too....He knows me well, understand me? not so much :) but I am sure he does his best, he always sais he wants our relationship to work and I believe in him, I know that´s true.

"Do you tend to do everything together with your partner?."

No, we don´t do everything together.
And of course I would like to hear your theories, feel free to send me a message at any time :)

@Nyan

"Then there's the love of my life, now this person has my complete devotion, I just want to improve this person's quality of life until I die, and by doing so, improve my own quality of life for this person.This person is the only one I desire to be loved back by, I don't want love from anyone else"

this is just the way I feel with him :)

" but when a person tries to change you into something you're not, it's trying to destroy your very core."

He doesn´t want me to change. He said he accepts me the way I am, it´s me who feels the need to change "the needy" part of me because I don´t want him to see me as the neediest female ever, I am just not sure I can change that, even if I try hard, I know I am needy but it was when he told me, that I realized I needed to work hard on that because that is not the impression I want him to have of me.

@Paulie

"On one hand, you want, nay, need to be true to yourself. On the other hand, you don't want to scare off the one you love by appearing to be too needy. Welcome to the wonderful world of being an INFJ in a relationship!"

lol this exactly what I was thinking of when I started this thread! thanks to you too for reading my mind :)

"The good new is your lover seems to get it, somewhat at least."

Yes, he is willing to try and I appreciate that very much. But as in INTJ, there are things he seems to get at the moment I tell them and then, for some reason he forgets and stop working on them and of course I need to talk about those things again and it is a circle. But I know the way he is and I accept things are this way with him (we´ve been togehter for almost two years) and things have been always this way.

"What you have to guard against is making him feel pressured to respond on an on-going basis to your needs and desires that, to his mind, come seemingly out of the blue."

Yes, you´re totally right, I need to work harder on that.

"That's not to say you should curb your feelings, but perhaps try to spend time with them, become very aware of them while they are happening, be OK with yourself the whole time, and even embrace yourself for being the wonderful person you truly are as all this is happening! I know, it's a lot to ask. Bring some mindfulness to the experience, if only to get a slightly better handle on what exactly is going on, and why you have come to feel the way you are feeling at that particular moment. Sometimes an emotion is triggered that has nothing to do with the situation at hand. You might even try talking about that with him. From that lofty perch, you might proceed with a conversation asking for what it is you would really like - a hug, a kiss, some words of support, reassurance, whatever hits the spot for you."

Thanks for your advices I will take them into account, they definetily are very helpful

"If he's at all perceptive, and I'm guessing he is or you would not have entered into a relationship with him, he should respond in kind, realizing that you are not simply having a knee-jerk reaction, but are being thoughtful about it all."

Yes, he is perceptive, and he is the sweetest man that I have ever known, he is a smart and caring person.

"You can be true to yourself and get what it is you so much desire, if you're coming from a place of love, and not need or insecurity. He should be able to tell the difference. None of this is easy when you're in the throes of it all, but I'm confident you can do this!"

That is a good advice, I definitely will work on that.... I "need" to be true to myself but just because I don´t know how to be another way. And thanks for your vote of confidence btw :)

Thank you all for taking your time to reply I really appreciate that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
93 Posts
Thank you all for the quickly replies :)
"Then there's the love of my life, now this person has my complete devotion, I just want to improve this person's quality of life until I die, and by doing so, improve my own quality of life for this person.This person is the only one I desire to be loved back by, I don't want love from anyone else"

this is just the way I feel with him :)

" but when a person tries to change you into something you're not, it's trying to destroy your very core."

He doesn´t want me to change. He said he accepts me the way I am, it´s me who feels the need to change "the needy" part of me because I don´t want him to see me as the neediest female ever, I am just not sure I can change that, even if I try hard, I know I am needy but it was when he told me, that I realized I needed to work hard on that because that is not the impression I want him to have of me.
Yeah, that's a good thing that he doesn't want to change you. I guess we can become quite clingy people, or atleast I'm aware I can be very clingy, haha. But I guess my core pleasure is to make someone other than myself feel good, another pleasure would be to watch movies and play games where I can experience fictional characters to feel empathy and care for briefly... I wonder if anyone else gets temporarily melancholic when forced to say goodbye to their favourite fictional characters because it's the end of the season or there's no game sequel... perhaps I'm just crazy... anyhow, I guess he just needs some space, but don't act all too different or he might take it as an act of hostility as if you're mad about something, but perhaps you'd be able to tone down the clingyness a bit and support him more passively for a bit, attend to his needs without forcing too much extra out of him. Surely you'll both need a bit of alone time once in a while, even though you're more ready to give up yours for him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
663 Posts
This is how I also act, I have serious issues considering my own needs and preferences, all I can tell you is what I like and don't like, but don't ask me what I love more than the other. I can't just decide between yoghurt and milk, are you insane? I don't prefer one over the other, it all depends on circumstances. If you are happy, I'm happy. But if you're sad, you'd have to be my most beloved person to make me sad, if not, then I'll simply help you become happy, so I'm happy, but your sadness is most likely making me sad actually, but I don't really want to show it, and so I move on to the next.

Then there's the love of my life, now this person has my complete devotion, I just want to improve this person's quality of life until I die, and by doing so, improve my own quality of life for this person.This person is the only one I desire to be loved back by, I don't want love from anyone else, all I need is a little appreciation as feedback from others to tell if they're happy with my assistance or not but anything more than that is too much. Your happiness is my happiness, that is my reward.

Something most rewarding is helping someone with the help you are capable of providing... but when a person tries to change you into something you're not, it's trying to destroy your very core. Being selfish? It's not in my nature to be selfish, I want to assist you and help you change your situation, not help you change me.
Will share with you something that a teacher said to me in one class that have stuck with me since the first time I hear it. Will sound insane at first XD but after you ponder about it for a few times you will get it. She said that those that don't let others love them are selfish. Because they deprive the other people of the joy of loving them. Sometimes when we reject the offers from others they can feel rejected. Probably we didn't want to be a bother but they feel worst than if we just have accepted what they have to offer. Just something to think about :).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
93 Posts
Will share with you something that a teacher said to me in one class that have stuck with me since the first time I hear it. Will sound insane at first XD but after you ponder about it for a few times you will get it. She said that those that don't let others love them are selfish. Because they deprive the other people of the joy of loving them. Sometimes when we reject the offers from others they can feel rejected. Probably we didn't want to be a bother but they feel worst than if we just have accepted what they have to offer. Just something to think about :).
That's a very good tip actually, it's nice to read in words I can understand rather than having people trying to force me to open up, giving me paranoia of sorts. I hadn't thought of it in that way.
 

·
PerC Mermaid
Joined
·
23,481 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
I guess we can become quite clingy people
yes, I usually realize I am being clingy and deal with that, the best as I can, because trying to not to is to fight against my own nature and it is really hard sometimes, but I try.

I wonder if anyone else gets temporarily melancholic when forced to say goodbye to their favourite fictional characters because it's the end of the season

My favourite show (House MD) will end this year and it makes me incredible sad! :p so I know what you mean. :)

anyhow, I guess he just needs some space, but don't act all too different or he might take it as an act of hostility as if you're mad about something
Si, you´re right, I feel some distance between us right now, but because I got hurt and I am dealing with myself at the moment, I wish I didn´t need so much from him, I wish there was a "clingyness button" that I could switch off and on everytime, that would make things easier :)

It is hard because I want to change something about me that I am not sure I am able to change, if that makes sense?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
93 Posts
It is hard because I want to change something about me that I am not sure I am able to change, if that makes sense?
I can relate to that, personally I need to work on showing appreciation, it should be in my nature but it feels somewhat like I don't quite deserve to feel good about myself, so I get stuck in a sort of need to help people, but I'm out of there before they can properly thank me, sort of like I don't want to put others in debt nor want to be in debt myself, so I also shy away from people who try to help me nowadays. I guess I sort of want to give but not receive, which is why the tip from @Agape was so great. I won't be giving up hope, I think there's always a way to work around it with a new approach.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,300 Posts
It sounds like you won't ever get what you need from him. You shouldn't feel bad about needing more reasurring words or affection; it's sad that he just disregarded your feelings like this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,045 Posts
Hola everyone!:happy: I need some advice, I am curious about INFJs opinions but feel free to answer to this post no matter your type, I will appreciate your help....
Ok, I had this argument with my boyfriend the other day (he´s an INTJ) and I was telling him that I wasn´t getting the attention I need, I told him that "my emotional needs" weren´t being covered and I also told him I needed more, more attention, more reassuring words, more shows of affection and he told me I was "the neediest female he´s ever had to deal with" that was shocking, I have to admit and I felt...well, I am not sure the way I felt, but it wasn´t a pleasant feeling....our conversation didn´t end well, we both were upset at that moment. The next time we talked (about two days after that "incident") he apologized and said he knew it was a harsh comment and that it wasn´t intended as criticism but more like an "observation". The thing is I couldn´t stop thinking about it, I don´t feel well with that observation, I don´t want to be "the neediest female he´s ever had to deal with" ......but I am. I tried to find the way to stop feeling this way, but he hurt me, he hurt my feelings even if it wasn´t his intention. I don´t know how to stop being so needy or clingy or demanding, I wish I knew, because I love this man, I love him so much and I want to be the right woman for him, but I just don´t know how to change that part of me or even if I can change that.
After that argument I put some distance between us, I stopped talking with him for a while, I stopped sending messages and I didn´t spend time with him the next day after our "fight" and then he did the most amazing thing he could have done, right out of the blue, he sent me a message wishing me to have a wonderful day. I almost cried when I got it, because he doesn´t use to do things like that, he just did it because he knows I like/need those things, and it totally made my day.
We are ok now, we talked a lot and things are fine between us, but I have this "fear" of screw things up because I am too needy or demanding or clingy or whatever, I am basically scared of being myself and say the wrong thing and show my "needy" part once again.
I don´t want to stop communication with him, I don´t want to stop being the way I am or doing the things I do for him to know I am thinking of him or how much I love him, but I don´t want him to think of me as the neediest female ever....So my questions are.....Have you ever been called the neediest person someone´s had to deal with? if it´s so, how did you deal with that? if it´s not, how do you think you would deal with it?

Please feel free to ask if you need more information, I will answer..... and thanks for reading :)
Just remember that INFJ's and INTJ's are very similar. Don't think that INTJ's are some foreign concept and you need a translator to interpret them. I don't think any type can read INTJ's as well as INFJ's. You have what you need to figure this out.
 

·
PerC Mermaid
Joined
·
23,481 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
It sounds like you won't ever get what you need from him. You shouldn't feel bad about needing more reasurring words or affection; it's sad that he just disregarded your feelings like this.
Hola @amanda32 :) I use to think that way sometimes you know? like no matter how hard I try he will never get what I need or why, I use to think I will never make sense to him and of course it feels like he disregards my feelings, but then, right out of the blue, he does something awesome, something to let me know he cares about my feelings and that makes me think I still have a chance to get what I need/want :)
I don´t feel bad because I "need more" I feel bad because I think I push too much, I demand too much or I am too needy. I know it is my nature, it is who I am but I´d like to change that (even if he told me he doesn´t want me to change) because I know he tries hard to be what I need him to be. I need more, that´s true, but I think I should be able or at least try to see all the things he´s doing for our relationship to work instead of just thinking about the things I "need". I won´t forget about my "emotional needs" they still will be there but he is trying I think I should do my part as well.
 

·
PerC Mermaid
Joined
·
23,481 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Just remember that INFJ's and INTJ's are very similar. Don't think that INTJ's are some foreign concept and you need a translator to interpret them. I don't think any type can read INTJ's as well as INFJ's. You have what you need to figure this out.
lol we use to say we are not in the same page or even in the same book most of the times (mostly when we´re arguing about something or when we fight) :) we work in such a different way and of course we don´t "need" the same things, so yeah, sometimes I feel I need a translator to understand him. But we talk a lot and he always finds the way to encourage me to say the way I feel even if he doesn´t get what I am talking about, he wants me to say things and I think that´s important.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Top