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Hey everyone.. so I need some advice from people who've already been to a psychotherapist on an individual basis. I was in family therapy for a short while back when I was around 13 or 14, not long enough to make much progress though. I'm just kind of wondering what to expect...everything past this part kind of details what I've been dealing with...


I come from a separated family which happened when I was 12. From that age I think my issues with depression started to form, also the same age I got into expressing myself in art forms like writing and music which I've found came in handy as a coping mechanism over the past few years (I'm recently 23). When I was a teenager I spent every second weekend traveling for about 4 hours to get to my Father's house which was in a place where I knew no one...which resulted in me having little of a social life in the area of both my homes for much of that time and feeling entirely alienated. There's still a lot I don't know about my family history and its been admitted to me.

The thing is that, despite having a lot of time to work on self-development because I was a very solitary person, I've suffered from suicidal ideation since about the age of 14, varying in intensity. Recently its gotten worse and I can't see myself living for another decade....but my saving grace has been being able to channel all of this into creative projects and I'm pretty sure that without them I wouldn't be here. I have great friends too..but I think I've just been accepting that all of this is normal. The hardest part has been not admitting that all of this has been going on as everyone I know just assumes nothing is wrong when I'm suspecting that I have some kind of major depression. I've worked on improving my diet and doing more excersise but even still I was prone to self-destructive behaviour, breakdowns and subtlety undermining relationships I've had...for a while I was convinced feeling good was no much better than feeling bad as one always turns into the other eventually...I remember when I said that and my girlfriend at the time held my hand and looked at me and I just felt nothing.

I've heard depression is something that can be harder to admit for guys sometimes, I've found it particularly difficult in admitting all this...so I appreciate any advice, no matter how blunt. Thanks.
 
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