Hi! I've been trying to figure out my type for the longest time. I've tried everything ranging from asking other, quizzes (I know they aren't that accurate.) I also took the official RHETI. However, my numbers seem to always change and I've never found a type that clicks with me at my core.
Now that I've gained a little more self understanding and finally in a more comfortable state of mind I wanted to try reaching out again.
Here's my questionnaire and answers. I've tried to be as concise as I can!
Prerequisites
What age range are you in? I'm 28.
Any disorders or conditions we should know about? I was previously diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder but my panic attacks were later linked to me having asthma instead.
Main Questions
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I kind of don't know at this point of my life. I've always wanted to do something that benefits others. I see so much wrong going on in the world and I know people are rallying behind causes or taking action to do constructive improvements. Others may be concerned about money but I would be okay with enough to support myself, my family, and help others.
I have to really enjoy myself in what I'm doing or else I won't have passion for it. One of my original dreams/goals was working in the game industry and being a leader in the field. It was originally climbing and becoming the CEO, but now I really would like to do creative and meaningful work of my own. I'd like to be in full control of my work/life and live on my own rules and schedules. Unfortunately I've been in situations where I'm working for others (doing menial work) and it makes me miserable. I feel like I'm wasting my potential. I think potential is a big thing for me though. I want to achieve and make a mark on the world, but I don't want that drive or goal of helping others to put me in pain. I want to be able to enjoy my life and feel fulfilled. Fulfillment is really my goal at the end of the day.
2. What were you like as a kid?
As a child, I was a bit different. I did a lot of talking and was really curious about things before I went to school. I was also drawn to technology and used the computer from a very early age. I remember always trying to understand things, understand the world, because things seemed alien/foreign to me. After going to school, some things happened (wanted to follow the rules and do what was right) which led me to not talking a lot. I would still behave like my normal self at home, but it almost felt as if I developed two personalities: a me around others outside of my comfort and a me in situations I feel comfortable (family, close friends.) It's hard to know which is the real me. I think this is where a divide was created where I couldn't really understand myself, since I tended to let my real solid self go around others. Basically when others are involved, I feel I would lose myself. Although I presented myself as a child as kind, humble, rule-abiding, underneath I felt so many different emotions that were much different. Not necessarily wanting to harm but wanting to be more free.
Aside from that, I was always quick to make friends, though I never really sought friends out. I had trouble following routines, guidelines, directions, and wasn't very orderly. It wasn't until later that I began able to fake expertise in these areas, but they're still very stressful to me.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
I was raised by my mom, no father figure. My aunt would take care of me when my mom worked. When I was younger, I couldn't really relate to my family on a deeper level. At the same time, I did a lot to keep them happy. A lot of the time, I did not ask for things even though I wanted them, and pretending to not need help. I was always well-behaved but I would sometimes suffer from tantrums. I wasn't comfortable telling secrets or entrusting them with my raw emotions or fears; I had to be pushed to certain limits. I was also frustrated when certain things happened but I wasn't aware of the reason. Outside of that, I think I had a good family life and childhood.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
I like to be open-minded and not really bulldoze others. I think people should be able to do what they want and that sometimes rules and restrictions get in the way of that. I really don't want to become a person with old-fashioned and close minded beliefs, or someone who harms others because of their own pain. I always want to keep some sense of optimism and be someone others can look up to. Most importantly, I want to try to keep my peace of mind and common sense, not behaving erratically or doing things that will make others uncomfortable.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
I was really afraid of being harmed. I could be a little bit of a hypochondriac, but mostly being harmed by other people or freak accidents. I had a fear of choking, being attacked, silly things like a boardwalk over the ocean collapsing and drowning, being bitten by a poisonous snake, etc. It wasn't necessarily that I thought I would be killed, it was how it would affect those close to me and how I would deal with what happens afterwards. It wasn't the pain, it was the effects that would happen.
I was also really scared of breaking the rules. Not necessarily by the book rules (I wasn't good with those) but being seen as a bad child. For instance in elementary school I made sure to do everything right and be on my best behavior so my performance card would not be moved from green to red. (Green was for those with good conduct, red was bad.) Normally students would be upset about this because their parents reaction, but for me it was more so that I didn't want to be seen as a problem, bad child. For some reason this was really important to me and I don't know why. One time I had my card moved due to something another student did and I was trying to get them to do the right thing at that time. It made me so upset I remember crying for so long...it seems really silly to look back on it.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
b.) How do you want others to see you?
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
I kind of don't know. It's hard for me to know "me" without it being reflected back at me by someone else. I guess I see myself as a person that tries really hard to do the right thing but makes mistakes along the way. I feel like a failure a lot of the time, due to not reaching the goals I set for myself or for betraying my values. Even though I've accomplished a lot, I still sometimes feel like nothing. I'd like for others to see me as someone respectable, approachable, and interesting.
In others, I dislike when they blatantly disregard others feelings and do things specifically to harm others. I also don't like people who see things with a solely "bad" view or try to rely overly on logic to explain the world. I feel it's a really limiting view. At the same time, I don't like people who disregard any sort of intellectual opinion or common sense. Example: people refusing to listen to reason, doing things that are causing problems for others, etc.
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others.
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else.
This is tricky. I think a. is definitely rank 3. If you leave me alone and tell me to work on myself or something only I will benefit, I won't ever start it. However, betterment for others is big for me. But I think I only do so because it serves to create tranquility in myself or the world (fulfillment.) I'd like to be fulfilled of course so there's some self-interest, but I also want others to be as well. So my ranking is:
1. B
2. C
3. A
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
Oh boy, this usually takes me in a lot of different directions. Current events, things I could be doing, how things could be improved/better, if I'm truly living up to what I want for myself, how I can better help others, why someone is doing something and what is their motives, or analyzing something I've recently interacted with (ex. analyzing the meanings behind something that just happened or the story of a game, anime, etc.) Usually it's provoked in more of a daydreaming sense when what is happening in front of me is not engaging. Other times, its when something resonates with me deeply. A lot of time, I block out my day with a bunch of activities to keep my mind distracted. Only at night or when I'm fully alone do I feel like I can wonder.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel best when I'm doing something I'm really passionate about or have a feeling of hope for the future. I've always had trouble taking care of myself body/mind. The best I was able to do for myself is when I had someone I connected with deeply. Because there was another person to "perform/build myself up" for, I was able to resolve all issues of self care. I ate healthier, was in a better state of mind, looked the best I ever had, got in good shape, and was overall a much more positive person. When our relationship fell apart...all of that felt meaningless. Like the drive to do that upkeep and keep myself together went away and I went back to my usual self. The reason why I think it didn't last is because even though these changes were all made, they weren't for me. They were for someone else. There was better everything, but that click of fulfillment was not there. So it didn't last.
On the flipside, when I don't have a goal or person I'm deeply connected to life can feel meaningless. Like nothing else matters. I can have things, ideas I want to do, but if I'm not taking action towards them it feels as if there's nothing good for me at all. This has been kinda bad cause its created a sort of rise and fall for me in life. I've had times where I felt pretty good and stable and others when life feels miserable. I noticed having someone to latch onto (inexplicably by the way) makes me feel more secure. It's not always, but usually a more romantic thing and usually for someone who needs my help.I don't even seek people out or even let it be known how important people are to me (kind of a fear of vulnerability.)
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger
b.) shame
c.) anxiety
I think I tend to be more frustrated than outright angry. I feel anger in my body though, and it usually affects me in the chest. I don't really have a problem with the emotion but I do have issues expressing it. A lot of times I will be angry at someone or dislike them, but I won't ever express it to them directly.
For shame, I don't really have much experience with this emotion. I can't say I've been that shamed or experienced it that directly. I know I have it, but it feels more foreign than everything else.
Anxiety can be somewhat common, but it may be due to an anxiety disorder than actual anxiety. My main anxiety comes from how things will affect those close to me.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress
b.) negative unexpected change
c.) conflict
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
Stress, I tend to live in. It's hard to imagine a time where I'm not stressed. I'm usually stressed around people and being by myself is when I feel the most calm and clear of mind. This doesn't mean I don't like people or like dealing with others. It's one of my favorite things to do, dealing with others, but it can still cause me feelings of panic because people's "expectations." I think people's expectations and potential unpredictability cause me stress but not necessarily people themselves. Stress can also make me more likely to lash out and be more direct with my feelings.
Negative change is very stressful. I don't deal well with unexpected changes at all. At the same time I HATE having a planned schedule. Because if I have upcoming events there's a constant part of my mind that remembers them and tries to mentally prepare for it, which means I can't relax. A free schedule or schedule that I have control over is the best for me.
Conflict, I tend to not really do often. I would sometimes have arguments with those close to me, but I don't seek conflict out. If I can avoid a conflict I will usually do what I can to not have it happen, because its draining to me. I sometimes feel like conflict is only negative, even though I know it's a necessity of life.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Things in life that we do that don't really make sense and are created just to keep people down. For instance, the way we work as humans. The way certain groups are at odds with each other while others (like the rich) profit. How things can be improved and how we could all be happier people if we just worked together. Very frequently, hidden meanings behind media, life events, and other situations that people tend to take a face value.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I don't really trust people. When I was younger I could be considered too trusting, doing what I could to benefit others without considering being used. As I got older I developed more of an ability to scan for this, but its still very easy for me to unconsciously revert back to trusting a little blindly. It's not natural for me to doubt but more of a learning behavior. Even still, I don't think the trust I experienced as a child was actual trust, but more of a way to make others soften or warm up to me. Because I did not want to be a bad person. I was aware when people were using me, but something kept me from acting on this awareness.
Extra Questions
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why) - I bolded them
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I appreciate any insights I can receive from your feedback!
Now that I've gained a little more self understanding and finally in a more comfortable state of mind I wanted to try reaching out again.
Here's my questionnaire and answers. I've tried to be as concise as I can!
Prerequisites
What age range are you in? I'm 28.
Any disorders or conditions we should know about? I was previously diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder but my panic attacks were later linked to me having asthma instead.
Main Questions
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I kind of don't know at this point of my life. I've always wanted to do something that benefits others. I see so much wrong going on in the world and I know people are rallying behind causes or taking action to do constructive improvements. Others may be concerned about money but I would be okay with enough to support myself, my family, and help others.
I have to really enjoy myself in what I'm doing or else I won't have passion for it. One of my original dreams/goals was working in the game industry and being a leader in the field. It was originally climbing and becoming the CEO, but now I really would like to do creative and meaningful work of my own. I'd like to be in full control of my work/life and live on my own rules and schedules. Unfortunately I've been in situations where I'm working for others (doing menial work) and it makes me miserable. I feel like I'm wasting my potential. I think potential is a big thing for me though. I want to achieve and make a mark on the world, but I don't want that drive or goal of helping others to put me in pain. I want to be able to enjoy my life and feel fulfilled. Fulfillment is really my goal at the end of the day.
2. What were you like as a kid?
As a child, I was a bit different. I did a lot of talking and was really curious about things before I went to school. I was also drawn to technology and used the computer from a very early age. I remember always trying to understand things, understand the world, because things seemed alien/foreign to me. After going to school, some things happened (wanted to follow the rules and do what was right) which led me to not talking a lot. I would still behave like my normal self at home, but it almost felt as if I developed two personalities: a me around others outside of my comfort and a me in situations I feel comfortable (family, close friends.) It's hard to know which is the real me. I think this is where a divide was created where I couldn't really understand myself, since I tended to let my real solid self go around others. Basically when others are involved, I feel I would lose myself. Although I presented myself as a child as kind, humble, rule-abiding, underneath I felt so many different emotions that were much different. Not necessarily wanting to harm but wanting to be more free.
Aside from that, I was always quick to make friends, though I never really sought friends out. I had trouble following routines, guidelines, directions, and wasn't very orderly. It wasn't until later that I began able to fake expertise in these areas, but they're still very stressful to me.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
I was raised by my mom, no father figure. My aunt would take care of me when my mom worked. When I was younger, I couldn't really relate to my family on a deeper level. At the same time, I did a lot to keep them happy. A lot of the time, I did not ask for things even though I wanted them, and pretending to not need help. I was always well-behaved but I would sometimes suffer from tantrums. I wasn't comfortable telling secrets or entrusting them with my raw emotions or fears; I had to be pushed to certain limits. I was also frustrated when certain things happened but I wasn't aware of the reason. Outside of that, I think I had a good family life and childhood.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
I like to be open-minded and not really bulldoze others. I think people should be able to do what they want and that sometimes rules and restrictions get in the way of that. I really don't want to become a person with old-fashioned and close minded beliefs, or someone who harms others because of their own pain. I always want to keep some sense of optimism and be someone others can look up to. Most importantly, I want to try to keep my peace of mind and common sense, not behaving erratically or doing things that will make others uncomfortable.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
I was really afraid of being harmed. I could be a little bit of a hypochondriac, but mostly being harmed by other people or freak accidents. I had a fear of choking, being attacked, silly things like a boardwalk over the ocean collapsing and drowning, being bitten by a poisonous snake, etc. It wasn't necessarily that I thought I would be killed, it was how it would affect those close to me and how I would deal with what happens afterwards. It wasn't the pain, it was the effects that would happen.
I was also really scared of breaking the rules. Not necessarily by the book rules (I wasn't good with those) but being seen as a bad child. For instance in elementary school I made sure to do everything right and be on my best behavior so my performance card would not be moved from green to red. (Green was for those with good conduct, red was bad.) Normally students would be upset about this because their parents reaction, but for me it was more so that I didn't want to be seen as a problem, bad child. For some reason this was really important to me and I don't know why. One time I had my card moved due to something another student did and I was trying to get them to do the right thing at that time. It made me so upset I remember crying for so long...it seems really silly to look back on it.
6. a.) How do you see yourself?
b.) How do you want others to see you?
c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
I kind of don't know. It's hard for me to know "me" without it being reflected back at me by someone else. I guess I see myself as a person that tries really hard to do the right thing but makes mistakes along the way. I feel like a failure a lot of the time, due to not reaching the goals I set for myself or for betraying my values. Even though I've accomplished a lot, I still sometimes feel like nothing. I'd like for others to see me as someone respectable, approachable, and interesting.
In others, I dislike when they blatantly disregard others feelings and do things specifically to harm others. I also don't like people who see things with a solely "bad" view or try to rely overly on logic to explain the world. I feel it's a really limiting view. At the same time, I don't like people who disregard any sort of intellectual opinion or common sense. Example: people refusing to listen to reason, doing things that are causing problems for others, etc.
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others.
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else.
This is tricky. I think a. is definitely rank 3. If you leave me alone and tell me to work on myself or something only I will benefit, I won't ever start it. However, betterment for others is big for me. But I think I only do so because it serves to create tranquility in myself or the world (fulfillment.) I'd like to be fulfilled of course so there's some self-interest, but I also want others to be as well. So my ranking is:
1. B
2. C
3. A
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
Oh boy, this usually takes me in a lot of different directions. Current events, things I could be doing, how things could be improved/better, if I'm truly living up to what I want for myself, how I can better help others, why someone is doing something and what is their motives, or analyzing something I've recently interacted with (ex. analyzing the meanings behind something that just happened or the story of a game, anime, etc.) Usually it's provoked in more of a daydreaming sense when what is happening in front of me is not engaging. Other times, its when something resonates with me deeply. A lot of time, I block out my day with a bunch of activities to keep my mind distracted. Only at night or when I'm fully alone do I feel like I can wonder.
9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel best when I'm doing something I'm really passionate about or have a feeling of hope for the future. I've always had trouble taking care of myself body/mind. The best I was able to do for myself is when I had someone I connected with deeply. Because there was another person to "perform/build myself up" for, I was able to resolve all issues of self care. I ate healthier, was in a better state of mind, looked the best I ever had, got in good shape, and was overall a much more positive person. When our relationship fell apart...all of that felt meaningless. Like the drive to do that upkeep and keep myself together went away and I went back to my usual self. The reason why I think it didn't last is because even though these changes were all made, they weren't for me. They were for someone else. There was better everything, but that click of fulfillment was not there. So it didn't last.
On the flipside, when I don't have a goal or person I'm deeply connected to life can feel meaningless. Like nothing else matters. I can have things, ideas I want to do, but if I'm not taking action towards them it feels as if there's nothing good for me at all. This has been kinda bad cause its created a sort of rise and fall for me in life. I've had times where I felt pretty good and stable and others when life feels miserable. I noticed having someone to latch onto (inexplicably by the way) makes me feel more secure. It's not always, but usually a more romantic thing and usually for someone who needs my help.I don't even seek people out or even let it be known how important people are to me (kind of a fear of vulnerability.)
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger
b.) shame
c.) anxiety
I think I tend to be more frustrated than outright angry. I feel anger in my body though, and it usually affects me in the chest. I don't really have a problem with the emotion but I do have issues expressing it. A lot of times I will be angry at someone or dislike them, but I won't ever express it to them directly.
For shame, I don't really have much experience with this emotion. I can't say I've been that shamed or experienced it that directly. I know I have it, but it feels more foreign than everything else.
Anxiety can be somewhat common, but it may be due to an anxiety disorder than actual anxiety. My main anxiety comes from how things will affect those close to me.
11. Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress
b.) negative unexpected change
c.) conflict
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
Stress, I tend to live in. It's hard to imagine a time where I'm not stressed. I'm usually stressed around people and being by myself is when I feel the most calm and clear of mind. This doesn't mean I don't like people or like dealing with others. It's one of my favorite things to do, dealing with others, but it can still cause me feelings of panic because people's "expectations." I think people's expectations and potential unpredictability cause me stress but not necessarily people themselves. Stress can also make me more likely to lash out and be more direct with my feelings.
Negative change is very stressful. I don't deal well with unexpected changes at all. At the same time I HATE having a planned schedule. Because if I have upcoming events there's a constant part of my mind that remembers them and tries to mentally prepare for it, which means I can't relax. A free schedule or schedule that I have control over is the best for me.
Conflict, I tend to not really do often. I would sometimes have arguments with those close to me, but I don't seek conflict out. If I can avoid a conflict I will usually do what I can to not have it happen, because its draining to me. I sometimes feel like conflict is only negative, even though I know it's a necessity of life.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Things in life that we do that don't really make sense and are created just to keep people down. For instance, the way we work as humans. The way certain groups are at odds with each other while others (like the rich) profit. How things can be improved and how we could all be happier people if we just worked together. Very frequently, hidden meanings behind media, life events, and other situations that people tend to take a face value.
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I don't really trust people. When I was younger I could be considered too trusting, doing what I could to benefit others without considering being used. As I got older I developed more of an ability to scan for this, but its still very easy for me to unconsciously revert back to trusting a little blindly. It's not natural for me to doubt but more of a learning behavior. Even still, I don't think the trust I experienced as a child was actual trust, but more of a way to make others soften or warm up to me. Because I did not want to be a bad person. I was aware when people were using me, but something kept me from acting on this awareness.
Extra Questions
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why) - I bolded them
- To constantly push yourself to be “the best” - Definitely, want to be the best at everything I do
- To be without needs, well-intentioned - In regards to my family or formal settings
- To replace direct experience with concepts
- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation
- To think that fulfillment is somewhere else - THIS A LOT, I feel like I'll never find the fulfillment I desire
- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance - ALSO THIS but it became more common as I got older
- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself
- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself - Have a lot of trouble with this
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient - Kind of but I feel like its not 100% me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I appreciate any insights I can receive from your feedback!