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Long story, I will try to make it short. Went through a very tumultuous, on and off, back and forth, eventually long-distance relationship with a 5w4. I'm a 1w2 sx.

About seven months ago, we had a final falling out after he announced he had been nursing a five-year crush on my neighbor (who has the same name as I do, same industry, same background). This seems to me like a flight of fantasy, but I guess I shouldn't judge. We fought intensely, and he finally demanded no contact. I apologized at that time, but have was stonewalled (complete silence), so I retreated to respect his space.

I have regretted my actions and our harsh words since then. I have thought of him every day. I have searched myself and my motivations, and know that withdrawal is a 5 tactic, and one he loved during the course of our relationship. However, in the 1.5 years that we were back and forth, I also repeatedly heard that I was his best friend, and that I knew him better than anyone else in the world, minus his twin brother. I don't take these kinds of confessions lightly from a 5.

My question: it is an unpardonable breach of boundaries to send him an apology note? Or would it be possibly welcomed? I really don't want to try to pry him open when he's withdrawn - that has never worked in the past, and I know that a 5 won't appreciate that at all. But I also just want to apologize and at least close this chapter. I recognize that our window for romantic involvement has closed beyond a shadow of a reasonable doubt (or at least I'm telling myself that), but I would still just like to end on good terms.

Fives out there, what do you think?
 

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Long story, I will try to make it short. Went through a very tumultuous, on and off, back and forth, eventually long-distance relationship with a 5w4. I'm a 1w2 sx.

About seven months ago, we had a final falling out after he announced he had been nursing a five-year crush on my neighbor (who has the same name as I do, same industry, same background). This seems to me like a flight of fantasy, but I guess I shouldn't judge. We fought intensely, and he finally demanded no contact. I apologized at that time, but have was stonewalled (complete silence), so I retreated to respect his space.

I have regretted my actions and our harsh words since then. I have thought of him every day. I have searched myself and my motivations, and know that withdrawal is a 5 tactic, and one he loved during the course of our relationship. However, in the 1.5 years that we were back and forth, I also repeatedly heard that I was his best friend, and that I knew him better than anyone else in the world, minus his twin brother. I don't take these kinds of confessions lightly from a 5.

My question: it is an unpardonable breach of boundaries to send him an apology note? Or would it be possibly welcomed? I really don't want to try to pry him open when he's withdrawn - that has never worked in the past, and I know that a 5 won't appreciate that at all. But I also just want to apologize and at least close this chapter. I recognize that our window for romantic involvement has closed beyond a shadow of a reasonable doubt (or at least I'm telling myself that), but I would still just like to end on good terms.

Fives out there, what do you think?
Before I answer, let me ask this...

is he in a relationship with your same-name-as-you neighbor?
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
I honestly don't know. He lives 2000 miles away from either of us, and we cut contact before I knew what was going on with them. He reached out to her about five months after he moved away. It is certainly not a situation where I feel comfortable asking her about it.
 

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Before I answer, let me ask this...

is he in a relationship with your same-name-as-you neighbor?

I honestly don't know. He lives 2000 miles away from either of us, and we cut contact before I knew what was going on with them. He reached out to her about five months after he moved away. It is certainly not a situation where I feel comfortable asking her about it.
 

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I honestly don't know. He lives 2000 miles away from either of us, and we cut contact before I knew what was going on with them. He reached out to her about five months after he moved away. It is certainly not a situation where I feel comfortable asking her about it.
Hate to say it, but cut your losses.

If he's 2000 miles away, you can't use the charm of personal presence to do anything; and once an INTJ has kicked you out, generally it is impossible to get back "in" again. Only exception is if they cut you off to avoid pain because the relationship was, hmmm, unsustainable, and under the current circumstance he couldn't foresee any way to get it to where it would work.

Or, on a case by case basis, if the INTJ feels they aren't ready for a relationship yet, or not as deep as the one the other person wants.
Sometimes, if the INTJ grows up, and the other person has waited, it ___might___ work.

But this doesn't sound like one of those cases.

Can you list to yourself the character traits you were attracted to, and seek for them in someone closer to home?

(sorry)
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Hate to say it, but cut your losses.

If he's 2000 miles away, you can't use the charm of personal presence to do anything; and once an INTJ has kicked you out, generally it is impossible to get back "in" again. Only exception is if they cut you off to avoid pain because the relationship was, hmmm, unsustainable, and under the current circumstance he couldn't foresee any way to get it to where it would work.

Or, on a case by case basis, if the INTJ feels they aren't ready for a relationship yet, or not as deep as the one the other person wants.
Sometimes, if the INTJ grows up, and the other person has waited, it ___might___ work.

But this doesn't sound like one of those cases.

Can you list to yourself the character traits you were attracted to, and seek for them in someone closer to home?

(sorry)
That's okay - I really appreciate your input, and have thought as much myself. If it makes any difference, I believe he types himself as an INFJ.

It's so difficult to say what I did find attractive! Intelligence, close bond with my kids (they miss him terribly and ask about him all the time), he seemed like he needed someone to take care of him (I loved to feed him his favorite foods, send care packages, check up on him). The constant withdrawal and having to wait for him to come back around, combined with the secrecy (the love for my neighbor was really a hard blow - he had told me "all his secrets" for almost two years . . . except this one, and as a e1, my premium is really on honesty at all costs), plus the continued confusion about what his own feelings were for me (as his actions seemed to proclaim something completely different) - those were all very hard to deal with. Even as I remind myself how painful these characteristics were for me, I miss him so much.
 

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I hate it when 5s do their withdrawal. I surely have felt that, on several occasions. It must be worst with 5w6(sp/so)...tell me if I am wrong..
Last time I confronted my 5 about us, he calmly stated he has to let me go if I need to see him more because he just can't. It came so out of the blue I was not prepared.

I've had similar history with my 5, we have about 1,5 years together and it's really been ups and downs. There is something so attractive in their secrecy and independence and sort of innocence behind the inability to show emotions not to mention the physical attraction.
I don't know in your case if you've been stonewalled for 7months but in general with male 5s expect to go as slow as you can imagine and then some... Mine has a world for his studies and his kids. Even though we live only an hour apart it is like a LDR with minimal contact. He is in a very chaotic place with his studies at the moment, this month either gives him access to further studies or he fails. So I am giving him lots of space and missing him terribly...

In any case, 5s rarely are very initiative so I can't see what you have to lose by apologizing to him if you think that would help your situation. Although, if you still have some romantic thoughts about him I hope that wouldn't make it harder for you to walk away once you are in touch again.

I think we need a user manual for the 5s in the world :)
 
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