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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
so I have a problem and I hoped maybe some of you more experienced INFP's might be able to help: the problem...of partying! I'm on 'freshers week' at my new university and I'm currently living with some very extroverted people who are very nice and keen to include me in stuff including wild nights at clubs....the problem is the mere thought of going to a club fills me with dread as the last time I went to a club was almost a year ago and I had a panic attack.... I'm just wondering if there's anything I can do to help cope with these kind of situations or what I can do explain myself... any help would be greatly appreciated; thank you for reading through this.
 

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If you can't handle it, then politely decline. All there should be to it really.

Of course, if you ever feel you want to give it a go again, then do that as well, but never force yourself into some activity just because you don't want to appear rude or something like that (can be easier said than done though). I would think most people would be understanding and respectful of that.
 

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Smile and say: "Clubs! Ahhh, I love them like Ron Weasley loves Mirkwood. Would any of you extroverted chaps like to join me in the park, to sit absolutely silently under a tree gazing at nothing in particular for a night or two?"

...on a more serious note, be aware of your preferences, be proud of them, never apologise for them and learn to deeply appreciate being precisely the way you are. You will at the very least win acceptance, and may even gain respect.
 

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Why do you think everyone in there is drinking? Because that is the only way that situation is tolerable for many people.

I would feel awkward and, wouldn't want to be in a club sober. But if I'm drunk I can be at the biggest one in the world, and it doesn't matter. Loudest music ever. Can't even move. I would be in panic sober.

I am not saying get drunk. I am trying to explain what is going on here.
 

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@Ronin_dreamer Oh freshers week. That brings back some memories. *harp music* *back to reality yippy!!* Oh snap..

First I would like to ask why you think you panicked in a club. If you know why you panicked we, us lot on the INFP forum, can give you better advice I think.

Second. Some general advice. I always preach that an INFP (and any introvert for that matter) should find balance between socializing and introverting. Freshers week is filled with parties and other social activities. If you stay in your room all week it'll be harder to make friends. A lot of friendships are already established in these fresher weeks. But. Go to every party and you feel burned out, which for me at least is a horrible feeling. So. Pick your battles. Monday: party. Tuesday: rest. Wednesday: party. Thursday: rest. Friday: party. That's how I would do it. Also: on the days you want to party don't feel ashamed to take a nap in the afternoon ;) It always worked for me.
 
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Matter-of-factly tell them you're introverted and don't like crowds or loud music. Stick to your guns.

Personally, I'm an INFP that likes crowds and doesn't mind loud music. Hell, I even like dance music (just ask my poor neighbor). Yet I do not like dance clubs. The specific problem with clubs is that they are generally filled with ugly people who have double digit IQs. If there's a low chance of me stumbling across a quality bed or conversational partner at a certain place, I have very low incentive to go to that place. Unless I am being paid to.

You best be prepared to drink or start practicing the "I'm introverted and don't enjoy clubs" spiel now.

...You could also rest in preparation to going. Tell yourself that it's only one night and you can leave at any time. Compromise. You never know, you might unexpectedly have some fun.
 

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I wasn't anywhere near firm enough when I tried to put my foot down at university, and people didn't respect me. So I wholeheartedly agree with the advice to say things firmly and to not let people talk you into it - because if they're anything like my old friends they'll do WHATEVER they have to do in order to make you go, thinking that you just need to "give it a chance" (or 3, or 500) and you'll eventually enjoy it like them.

Admittedly age might help me a bit this time around, but this time I've just calmly said, "oh, I'm not into that, but I'm sure you'll have fun" and left it at that. If people even sniff a bit of uncertainty they'll think you're just shy and need encouragement. But I'm much more confident now and so no one's even bat an eyelid when I say I'm not into parties. The way I look at it, I see these people nearly every day, so I have plenty of time to get to know them. Sure a lot of them seem to have made friends very quickly and will probably stay in those groups for the whole degree, but sometimes things change, cliques break/open up.... and besides, there are probably quite a few other introverts who are slowly coming out of their shells. In fact, I think that's a good chunk of the people I'm gravitating towards in my classes, hahaha.

Having said that, sometimes it is important to compromise. But you have to draw a very strong line somewhere, otherwise they will walk all over you and never think to return the favour.
 

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One of the most important things to remember here is that you are in a totally superficial environment. People don't value things like sticking out against the party crowd. You aren't going to get any social traction with that. I'm not saying you should go to clubs, or do anything really, but you're going to have to try to fit in, in some way or some sort. You can get isolated quickly. This is when cliques get formed.
 

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@Ronin_dreamer , I felt under a huge amount of pressure in freshers' week to go to all these events and 'meet people' because that's what everyone had said I should do. I thought if I didn't I wouldn't find any friends. I planned to go to them all and ended up going to none of them through being too scared, and it just added to the pressure of settling in for me.

I really wish I hadn't worried about that though, there are plenty of other opportunities to be sociable, and friendships can develop much better in a quieter setting, once things have settled down, once you've met (for example) the people on your course, the people who live around you etc., and you've had time to get to know them. I've got to respectfully disagree with @yippy here, I don't think many friendships would last from freshers' week, it's mostly people desperate to find friends so they'd go with anyone without any meaningful connection.

And seriously, I've never been 'clubbing' and I'm 29; I've decided that I can do without that in my life. I'm not saying you shouldn't make an effort socially, and some of it you will have to make an effort, but you don't have to pretend to be an extrovert. Only thing is if you live with other people, I'm not sure what your arrangement is there, but that could be more tricky if they're pressuring you (fortunately I had my own room, so I had enough distance). But freshers' week is just one week, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Hope that makes sense, I'm in a bit of a rush now... feel free to ask if you want me to expand on anything.
 

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One of the most important things to remember here is that you are in a totally superficial environment. People don't value things like sticking out against the party crowd. You aren't going to get any social traction with that. I'm not saying you should go to clubs, or do anything really, but you're going to have to try to fit in, in some way or some sort. You can get isolated quickly. This is when cliques get formed.
What a pile of utter rubbish. You decide if you need "social traction" and "fitting in" is what you do with screws, not your precious self. To hell with isolation and cliques - the only way to find the kind of friends you actually want to hang out with is to do whatever is true to you. Respect is what people give you when you do the right thing for yourself and don't apologise for it (which obviously doesn't mean you need to be obnoxious about it). As @ElliCat said, just smile and do confidently whatever is true to you. You'll learn it eventually. Good luck :)
 

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Ahaha I have this problem too. I just tell my friends that I don't like clubs because their loud and noisy and I don't get the point of them. Most of them go 'but I have to get you out of your shell!' or 'doesn't matter, I'm picking you up at 7:00.'
To that, I just shrug and say 'then you're wasting your time.'
Maybe it's mean but I'm so exasperated on this subject I just don't care anymore. Why is it normal to go clubbing anyway? Can't I just make friends my own way?
 

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Ahaha I have this problem too. I just tell my friends that I don't like clubs because their loud and noisy and I don't get the point of them. Most of them go 'but I have to get you out of your shell!' or 'doesn't matter, I'm picking you up at 7:00.'
To that, I just shrug and say 'then you're wasting your time.'
Maybe it's mean but I'm so exasperated on this subject I just don't care anymore. Why is it normal to go clubbing anyway? Can't I just make friends my own way?
Nah I think you've got it right. They sound like my old group of friends; I sat down with these people MULTIPLE times over the years that we knew each other and explained in great detail how awful it was for me. They'd be all, "oh we understand, well we can still do other things together, not a problem!" .... and within a month they were back to their usual guilt-tripping and lying.

You can absolutely make friends your own way. Just because most people seem to be following the same social rituals doesn't mean that everyone does, or that it's the only thing to do! And it does get easier as you get older. People will tend to be (at least a bit) more mature, and have found or rediscovered interests outside of partying, so unlike in university/college it's not necessarily "come to the club with us or we won't feel like you're bonding with us". Of course a lot still do it but they also socialise in other ways.
 

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If you don't like clubs, then don't go! or suggest a really cool dive bar near your area..something without loud club music and/or sports playing (I personally hate the armchair athletes that scream at the television) But if you do hit a club, dress to impress and enjoy the free drinks (if you're chick of course)

on a side note:
some of those chicks are straight SCANDALOUS when it comes to hustling dudes for drinks.
 

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And it does get easier as you get older. People will tend to be (at least a bit) more mature, and have found or rediscovered interests outside of partying, so unlike in university/college it's not necessarily "come to the club with us or we won't feel like you're bonding with us". Of course a lot still do it but they also socialise in other ways.
This is very true, however the more people I speak with, the more I am beginning to appreciate exactly how ubiquitous the "conventional/mainstream" assumptions really are. It is taken for granted to a huge degree, and it always irritates me whenever people speak as though drunken escapades and adventures in promiscuity are an expected or guaranteed part of being young. I honestly don't think the social pressures and expectations ever reach such a fever pitch as they do in high school and the first year of University. It doesn't really bother me any more, but it does get a little tiresome feeling like the odd one out much of the time, especially when it seems as though even the people that don't live that way now still did in their youth.

Of course, it still doesn't change the answer. If you don't want to go, don't go. Tell them that you don't really enjoy it and don't feel like going. It's literally that simple. Yes, they may try to persuade you to go. Yes, there is a risk of a degree of isolation. Yes, you'll probably feel uncomfortable if you lack self-confidence. At the end of the day, though, do you really want to be dragged along at the whims of others, mentally counting the hours until you think it's a sensible time to ask to leave (or just dropping out early due to another panic attack)?

I tried it a couple of times, and it wasn't for me, either. And truthfully, I only tried because I felt it was the 'protocol', something I 'had' to do, and I would have been selling myself short had I not made the attempt. My intuition was already telling me the whole time that it wasn't the best idea. People do sometimes have a point when they say that it is important not to restrict your opportunities or close yourself off from others, but at the same time that's your choice alone to make, and if being social is all that you want there are probably many more things you could be doing that would be more enjoyable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
@Ronin_dreamer , I felt under a huge amount of pressure in freshers' week to go to all these events and 'meet people' because that's what everyone had said I should do. I thought if I didn't I wouldn't find any friends. I planned to go to them all and ended up going to none of them through being too scared, and it just added to the pressure of settling in for me.

I really wish I hadn't worried about that though, there are plenty of other opportunities to be sociable, and friendships can develop much better in a quieter setting, once things have settled down, once you've met (for example) the people on your course, the people who live around you etc., and you've had time to get to know them. I've got to respectfully disagree with @yippy here, I don't think many friendships would last from freshers' week, it's mostly people desperate to find friends so they'd go with anyone without any meaningful connection.

And seriously, I've never been 'clubbing' and I'm 29; I've decided that I can do without that in my life. I'm not saying you shouldn't make an effort socially, and some of it you will have to make an effort, but you don't have to pretend to be an extrovert. Only thing is if you live with other people, I'm not sure what your arrangement is there, but that could be more tricky if they're pressuring you (fortunately I had my own room, so I had enough distance). But freshers' week is just one week, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Hope that makes sense, I'm in a bit of a rush now... feel free to ask if you want me to expand on anything.
thanks I think this advice has helped a lot ^^; and what other people have said too- that I should be proud of my preferences and stuff ~ all that I know is that I'm definitely going home on friday to my family as I need some time to actually sleep without being bothered by my house-mate's loud music. The funny thing is I was extremely lucky today and managed to come across someone from the same fandom as I am just by pure coincidence and we were just hanging out in broad daylight at the uni building so I am now weighing up my choices and I've decided to do my best to make friends without going to clubs that drain me and overload my senses
 
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I've got to respectfully disagree with @yippy here, I don't think many friendships would last from freshers' week, it's mostly people desperate to find friends so they'd go with anyone without any meaningful connection.
Not all friendships last from freshers week, but I do think many CAN last a long time. During my freshers week I met a great deal of people and with three of them I was friends for a long long time. I would not have met them if I wasn't out & about at the very beginning of the year. This was at a UK university though, so perhaps students at a US university have a different approach towards freshers week.
 

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This is very true, however the more people I speak with, the more I am beginning to appreciate exactly how ubiquitous the "conventional/mainstream" assumptions really are. It is taken for granted to a huge degree, and it always irritates me whenever people speak as though drunken escapades and adventures in promiscuity are an expected or guaranteed part of being young. I honestly don't think the social pressures and expectations ever reach such a fever pitch as they do in high school and the first year of University. It doesn't really bother me any more, but it does get a little tiresome feeling like the odd one out much of the time, especially when it seems as though even the people that don't live that way now still did in their youth.
No you're right, it's something I've noticed too. And even at the start of my current degree the tutors were pushing a certain freshman party, saying things like, "oh but you have to do it, even if you just go to one party make it this one, it's an essential part of the student experience, I went last year and I was SO glad I did it..." Which is probably fine if you like parties and are a first-time student. But as someone who doesn't, and who let themselves get caught up in that sort of thinking (not from myself but from other people), it sort of rubbed me the wrong way.

For what it's worth, I actually regret having hung around people who did it for so long. Like you said, sometimes it's good to try new things, because you might surprise yourself with how much you really like it... but sometimes you only need to try it once to just know.

thanks I think this advice has helped a lot ^^; and what other people have said too- that I should be proud of my preferences and stuff ~ all that I know is that I'm definitely going home on friday to my family as I need some time to actually sleep without being bothered by my house-mate's loud music. The funny thing is I was extremely lucky today and managed to come across someone from the same fandom as I am just by pure coincidence and we were just hanging out in broad daylight at the uni building so I am now weighing up my choices and I've decided to do my best to make friends without going to clubs that drain me and overload my senses
So glad to read this! Enjoy your sleep on Friday evening.... I would probably be doing the same thing! And what a promising start to making friends. :)
 

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If you don't want to go, you should't, but in case you want to go clubbing and have that kind of fun I would advice you to simply relax and not have any expectations. Just go there, tell yourself you can go home at any minute, and stop wondering if you somehow "don't belong there". There is absolutely nothing wrong with not going to parties if you don't like them, and if that is all there is to it, leave it at that. However, if you have some self-esteem issues that are enhanced as you venture to the discoteque and see all the other boisterous and sexed up young people there - maybe somehow it makes you succumb into believing women find you unattractive or something of the sort - then you ought to work on it until you realize that you have nothing to fear or be ashamed of at a place like that.
 
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