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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi all,

This will be rather long because I want to cover everything and every detail might be important in trying to figure him out.

Around one month ago I met an INFJ in a salsa party. Basically, we danced 3 times, and during the whole evening exchanged some looks. So it made me a bit curious about him, also, while not exactly my type, he is quite good-looking, amazing in dancing and I felt an instant connection to him.

So I made a move and sent him a friend request on Facebook the next day after the party. He didn't ever mention his name, neither did I ask or mention my name, but it was easy for me to find him because salsa community here is not that big. He accepted my request and I sent him a message complimenting him on his dancing and how much I enjoyed dancing with him. To which he replied it's a pleasure and he's happy to hear that.

After that nothing followed until one week later he posted on Facebook about chess which he likes playing and as I had recently developed certain kind of interest in chess as well (mainly just watcing chess games, not really playing), it was for me a good reason to "break the ice" and write to him again. I said how much I admire people who understand the game etc. So it was our first longer conversation. It was only about chess though. More chess talk followed the next days and in one of those conversations he managed to ask me what is for me the most important thing in my life.... while I was doubting him being an INFJ before, this one question made me convinced, because who else could ask something like that so early on? :D I asked him the same question back and he replied that at this point he doesn't have anything particular that is the most important and he only wants to survive until tomorrow and to keep peace in his soul.

After a while I told him I'd like to play one chess game with him and he agreed. Of course I lost the game, but he remembered everything about what kind of chess games I like. He said he tried to play in a certain way because he remembered that I liked it.

There are some things that I haven't been able to figure out and that confuses me.

  • Some sort of dirty jokes he made with me. First he remembered that I wrote to him late at night and asked a complicated chess question. But he made it into a joke saying that I said that I wasn't able to fall asleep and was thinking about chess game of Paul Morphy + (he inserted first letter of his name), kinda implying I was thinking about him as well.
  • On other occassion I mentioned that maybe I'll win him at chess and he said that for it to happen he would need to get drunk and I would need to undress. What could this kind of jokes mean?
  • After that, I met him on 2 other parties where he danced only one dance with me. It almost seemed like he was avoiding me, even though while dancing with me he was pretty happy. But he is like that dancing with everyone. We did make eye-contact a few times during the party, but not that much.
  • On the second party we danced bachata instead of salsa and when we started he told me: "Just breath. We are only dancing bachata." Was it his way of saying that it is just a dance and there shouldn't be anything more to it? Or was he saying to really calm me down because as an INFJ he obviously can guess I like him and get a bit nervous around him?
  • One thing is clear, his behaviour towards me in these parties was different than towards everyone else. I know it mostly means he either likes me or dislikes me. Which case is more likely? Privately he always seems much, much different than he outerly appears in social settings.
Maybe some other things that could be important to know.

  • He is 40 years old and single. I stalked his Facebook profile a bit and it seems he has been single ever since he joined Facebook 10 years ago. I don't know anything about his life before. I do suspect he could have been in some kind of relationship before that.
  • It looks like he knows a lot of people since he goes to a lot of international salsa festivals and dances with tons of women. But salsa parties are not really places where to get to know someone deeply so it seems he only has surface-level relationship with most of them.
  • I am borderline ENFP/INFP
  • I've read that INFJs often don't initiate contact even with people they like. But at the same time it also says that they often will ask a lot of questions to someone they like. This hasn't been our case. He has never asked me any personal questions, which makes me suspicious. Only messages he has sent to me where some chess games he thought I might like. Nothing personal. On all other occassions I initiate.
  • I know INFJs are really slow in regards to relationship. Could it be he just doesn't want to rush it?
  • Even though I like him very much and I fantasise about being in a relationship with him, most importantly I'd just like to get to know him better. His mind seems fascinating. But currently I don't want to appear too pushy so I mostly just ask chess-related questions which sometimes leads to some other topics. What could be the best way forward? Is he keeping distance because he senses I like him and he doesn't want to hurt me by rejecting? I like him for sure, but I will be happy even if it doesn't lead to romance, but only friendship, so I think it's fine to just keep talking to him normally. It's not like I'm asking him out or anything.
Anyway, sorry this is so long. But I've had a lot of bad experiences where I chased guys who weren't interested, so I'd like to know if this has some potential to develop into a friendship or romance? Or should I rather forget him while I'm not yet that emotionally attached and invested in him?

Thanks a lot!
 

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He may be interested and didn't feel you were reciprocating beyond your initial interest and felt embarassed. He also could have other baggage or things going on in his life. It's dangerous to read too much into these things because your perspective is too limited. It sounds like you're okay with the possibility of them turning you down for anything romantic so why not try? If you're really interested why not just suggest hanging out sometime and go from there?
 

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If someone were distancing themselves from me, I would give him the space to approach (or not) by not contacting him and focus on other things. Assuming this does eventually turn into something, would you be comfortable with him going to a lot of international salsa festivals and dancing with tons of women. He could be telling dirty jokes to them too. I think you know where this is going...
 

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Discussion Starter #4
He may be interested and didn't feel you were reciprocating beyond your initial interest and felt embarassed. He also could have other baggage or things going on in his life. It's dangerous to read too much into these things because your perspective is too limited. It sounds like you're okay with the possibility of them turning you down for anything romantic so why not try? If you're really interested why not just suggest hanging out sometime and go from there?
Wouldn’t it be too early to suggest hanging out? We only know each other for one month.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
If someone were distancing themselves from me, I would give him the space to approach (or not) by not contacting him and focus on other things. Assuming this does eventually turn into something, would you be comfortable with him going to a lot of international salsa festivals and dancing with tons of women. He could be telling dirty jokes to them too. I think you know where this is going...
It would be ok for me to see him dance with many women - I do like going to festivals myself and dance with different men. That’s not the problem, many even married people go to salsa festivals only because they like dancing.

But otherwise, is it even something an INFJ could do - telling dirty jokes to random people seems quite shallow and they are all about depth and meaningful connections.
 

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Yes, I understand that dancing is not the problem, the behavior telling dirty jokes is telling. He could just be the type of person who enjoys multiple casual relationships. He told you he "only wants to survive until tomorrow and to keep peace in his soul", and that sounds like a very temporary mindset. No matter his type.
 

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Yes, I understand that dancing is not the problem, the behavior telling dirty jokes is telling. He could just be the type of person who enjoys multiple casual relationships. He told you he "only wants to survive until tomorrow and to keep peace in his soul", and that sounds like a very temporary mindset. No matter his type.
I see what you mean. But couldn’t this kind of behaviour change if he meets someone special? I’m not saying I am this special someone, but just in general. I mean, I know there are men in 40s who are enjoying being single, but there is often a point in life when even they start to consider a relationship. That kind of behaviour of having multiple casual relationships and telling dirty jokes seems very infantile and shallow to me.
 

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I see what you mean. But couldn’t this kind of behaviour change if he meets someone special? I’m not saying I am this special someone, but just in general. I mean, I know there are men in 40s who are enjoying being single, but there is often a point in life when even they start to consider a relationship. That kind of behaviour of having multiple casual relationships and telling dirty jokes seems very infantile and shallow to me.
I knew several men who were close friends with an elder family member. They were kind, engaging, funny, intelligent, and highly educated. Never knew much about their personal lives, but they passed away years ago - never married. From what you've described about this 40 year old man, it's possible he's more the 'casual' type. From the point of view of someone who wants to persue a relationship that kind of behavior might seem infantile or shallow, but really it's about him living his life minus deep entanglements.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Th
I knew several men who were close friends with an elder family member. They were kind, engaging, funny, intelligent, and highly educated. Never knew much about their personal lives, but they passed away years ago - never married. From what you've described about this 40 year old man, it's possible he's more the 'casual' type. From the point of view of someone who wants to persue a relationship that kind of behavior might seem infantile or shallow, but really it's about him living his life minus deep entanglements.
Thank you, it makes sense. But what about friendship? Friendship is also about deep connection and he surely has quite a few good friends. So if I would be open about only being friends with him, could that still work?
 

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Th


Thank you, it makes sense. But what about friendship? Friendship is also about deep connection and he surely has quite a few good friends. So if I would be open about only being friends with him, could that still work?
I'm sorry, I should re-word the last sentence of my previous post ->

From the point of view of someone who wants to persue a relationship that kind of behavior might seem infantile or shallow, but really it's about someone (not necessarily the man being discussed) living their life minus deep entanglements.

Agree with Swivelinglight, might be time to ask him! I can't tell you what his intentions are, can only go by what was described.
 

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Not at all. If you hit it off then why not? As long as you don't add any expectations it would just indicate that you're interested in getting to know them better.
Good to know that! I actually decided that tomorrow I’ll tell him that I would really like to get to know him better. Without any implications to a romantic relationship. Let’s see what he says.
 

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So I wrote to him today. I said that I’d really like to get to know him better. I also said some other nice things. It was funny that he didn’t really say anything about me getting to know him. He only said that he has nothing against nice things. He basically avoided the subject. But he also didn’t reject me so I guess it is fine. We already talked after that normally.

I guess it will take a long time to really get to know him. But I am happy he didn’t push me away :)
 

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Good, he'll take you up on it when he's ready I'm sure. It sounds like he may have some baggage he has to get past you know. You put it out there and nothing changed so it's on them now. Just be patient. Good luck.
 
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