Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 71 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,657 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Inspired by this thread http://personalitycafe.com/sex-rela...one-different-sexual-preference-than-you.html

A lot of the posts including mine said the same thing i.e. "as long as we are attracted to each other. I don't care. etc." I'm guessing they meant sexual attraction or at least romantic attraction and these are probably synonymous to them. Correct me if I am wrong.

But what if it was someone who is not sexually attracted to you and they might/might not feel romantic towards you? Would that be a deal breaker? Why? I guess you could say "what's the point?" The point being what if you loved that person and if that person loved you back? Would you throw it all away?

Before you answer it please keep in mind that there are different layers to this which I why I divided into three scenarios. You can answer the ones you like. Attraction and behavior is not the same thing. People don't jump into the sack with everyone they are sexual attracted to. And there are people who have sex with others they are not sexually attracted to.

Scenario 1: What if it's someone like me? I'm a sex positive asexual with a keen interest in kinks and fetishes so I wouldn't mind having sex with you if I loved you but I would never find you sexy or hot or the whole process sexuals go through when they feel sexual attraction cuz I have no idea *would love to hear if someone wants explain in detail about what sexual attraction feels like* but there will be a mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 1.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

Scenario 2: They might have sex with you but it would be a chore for them and you guys might have to come up with a comprise and even bring in timetables to have sex.
Scenario 2.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

Scenario 3: No sex and no sexual attraction but mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 3.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,414 Posts
No

I have to know they feel the aw (passion) for me I feel for them on both levels.

It would devastate my ego.

That said I do require love outside of just romance and sex, and desire to love outside those two things alone, i.e. character of an individual not based on chemistries but of respect and appreciation.
 

·
MOTM Dec 2011
Joined
·
8,651 Posts
There are many people I have relationships with in which there is no romantic nor sexual attraction - they are called "friends".

The romantic and sexual feelings are what distinguish a romantic relationship from other relationships, IMO. Behaviors not backed by genuine feeling are empty and even deceptive to me. I also need to feel desired and to feel I am meeting someone else's desire, not just to have my desires met.

I have no need of a "life partner" if that's the appeal in such relationships. So if there's no sex or romance out of genuine feeling, then it just sounds like a charade for no reason.

So to me, nothing would be thrown away. The relationship would be a friendship.
 

·
Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
Joined
·
15,420 Posts
Inspired by this thread http://personalitycafe.com/sex-rela...one-different-sexual-preference-than-you.html

A lot of the posts including mine said the same thing i.e. "as long as we are attracted to each other. I don't care. etc." I'm guessing they meant sexual attraction or at least romantic attraction and these are probably synonymous to them. Correct me if I am wrong.

But what if it was someone who is not sexually attracted to you and they might/might not feel romantic towards you? Would that be a deal breaker? Why? I guess you could say "what's the point?" The point being what if you loved that person and if that person loved you back? Would you throw it all away?

Before you answer it please keep in mind that there are different layers to this which I why I divided into three scenarios. You can answer the ones you like. Attraction and behavior is not the same thing. People don't jump into the sack with everyone they are sexual attracted to. And there are people who have sex with others they are not sexually attracted to.

Scenario 1: What if it's someone like me? I'm a sex positive asexual with a keen interest in kinks and fetishes so I wouldn't mind having sex with you if I loved you but I would never find you sexy or hot or the whole process sexuals go through when they feel sexual attraction cuz I have no idea *would love to hear if someone wants explain in detail about what sexual attraction feels like* but there will be a mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 1.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

Scenario 2: They might have sex with you but it would be a chore for them and you guys might have to come up with a comprise and even bring in timetables to have sex.
Scenario 2.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

Scenario 3: No sex and no sexual attraction but mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 3.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.
Scenario 1. I'm an anti-objectification (sex-negative?) demisexual, so when I was still looking, I was only okay with people who didn't consider my body or appearance sexy or hot. That would have been a dealbreaker. If my partner were asexual, I wouldn't expect him to have sex with me, and I'd be okay with that.

Scenario 1.2 It would just be a platonic friendship without romantic attraction, wouldn't it? I mean, friends are great, but I wouldn't call it a relationship in any typical sense.

Scenario 2. I would only have sex with someone who wanted it. It wouldn't excite me if the other person wasn't actually interested. I'd be okay with not having sex, but not okay with half-hearted sex.

Scenario 2.2 Definitely not. I'd feel like a rapist.

Scenario 3. That would be totally fine.

Scenario 3.2. That would be a friendship, right? I'm still a little confused about this category.


Anyhow, these are all hypothetical. I'm happily married and we have plenty of sex, which we both enjoy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,657 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Scenario 1. I'm an anti-objectification (sex-negative?) demisexual, so when I was still looking, I was only okay with people who didn't consider my body or appearance sexy or hot. That would have been a dealbreaker. If my partner were asexual, I wouldn't expect him to have sex with me, and I'd be okay with that.

Scenario 1.2 It would just be a platonic friendship without romantic attraction, wouldn't it? I mean, friends are great, but I wouldn't call it a relationship in any typical sense.

Scenario 2. I would only have sex with someone who wanted it. It wouldn't excite me if the other person wasn't actually interested. I'd be okay with not having sex, but not okay with half-hearted sex.

Scenario 2.2 Definitely not. I'd feel like a rapist.

Scenario 3. That would be totally fine.

Scenario 3.2. That would be a friendship, right? I'm still a little confused about this category.


Anyhow, these are all hypothetical. I'm happily married and we have plenty of sex, which we both enjoy.
Included the last category because there are aromantics who are in romantic relationships :) Sorry if that wasn't clear.
 

·
Warden-Commander
Joined
·
24,113 Posts
That 3.2 would be the preferable situation for me.
I'm a sex-negative, aromantic asexual. I'd like to have some sort of a relationship, just without romance or sex. I guess there's no point in having a relationship without those though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31,251 Posts
Scenario 1: What if it's someone like me? I'm a sex positive asexual with a keen interest in kinks and fetishes so I wouldn't mind having sex with you if I loved you but I would never find you sexy or hot or the whole process sexuals go through when they feel sexual attraction cuz I have no idea *would love to hear if someone wants explain in detail about what sexual attraction feels like* but there will be a mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 1.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

1: I don't know what romantic attraction is supposed to be. No, I would not degrade you to a pawn. I don't approve of that, if you did not want to have sex with me but rather wanted to please me, you would easily find other ways to please me that actually work. Not minding, sex is not about not minding nor is anything else. If I wanted to go to a restaurant that you didn't really like, but you were "fine with" I would not take you at all.
Here's a question, if you had no real sexual relations would you be offended if your partner sought to have it with someone else?
1.2: Quite honestly have no idea what romantic attraction is and how it differs from simply liking another person.

Scenario 2: They might have sex with you but it would be a chore for them and you guys might have to come up with a comprise and even bring in timetables to have sex.
Scenario 2.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

2: I would not have sex with them at all.
2.2: Still, without romantic attraction, why would I be in a "romance"?

Scenario 3: No sex and no sexual attraction but mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 3.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

If I was romantically attracted to someone maybe I would engage in a romance. I would see no problem going elsewhere to have sexual relations. In the same way that I would not feel bad about playing baseball with my other friend.

The answer is yes, there would be nothing barring me from seeking sexual pleasure elsewhere and where someone would actually want to seek sexual pleasure with me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,549 Posts
Inspired by this thread http://personalitycafe.com/sex-rela...one-different-sexual-preference-than-you.html

A lot of the posts including mine said the same thing i.e. "as long as we are attracted to each other. I don't care. etc." I'm guessing they meant sexual attraction or at least romantic attraction and these are probably synonymous to them. Correct me if I am wrong.

But what if it was someone who is not sexually attracted to you and they might/might not feel romantic towards you? Would that be a deal breaker? Why? I guess you could say "what's the point?" The point being what if you loved that person and if that person loved you back? Would you throw it all away?

Before you answer it please keep in mind that there are different layers to this which I why I divided into three scenarios. You can answer the ones you like. Attraction and behavior is not the same thing. People don't jump into the sack with everyone they are sexual attracted to. And there are people who have sex with others they are not sexually attracted to.

Scenario 1: What if it's someone like me? I'm a sex positive asexual with a keen interest in kinks and fetishes so I wouldn't mind having sex with you if I loved you but I would never find you sexy or hot or the whole process sexuals go through when they feel sexual attraction cuz I have no idea *would love to hear if someone wants explain in detail about what sexual attraction feels like* but there will be a mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 1.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

Scenario 2: They might have sex with you but it would be a chore for them and you guys might have to come up with a comprise and even bring in timetables to have sex.
Scenario 2.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

Scenario 3: No sex and no sexual attraction but mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 3.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.
Scenario 1 - I think I could do that, as long as I understood it was because my partner was asexual, not because I'm not sexually appealing.
1.2 Definitely not. To me, if there's no romantic attraction, what are we doing in a romantic relationship?

Scenario 2 - I would find this difficult, but not a deal-breaker. I don't think I'd leave him over this if everything else was good, because I have this weird fear that I'll get a boyfriend someday but not enjoy sex with him and not be able to hide that I don't like it. (I'm hetero, but I've never had sex with a man before)
2.2 (See 1.2)

Scenario 3 - I could have a dating relationship like that, but not a marriage. It would drive me crazy.
3.2 If this is the case, what makes us any different from a pair of platonic friends?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,975 Posts
The thing that seems to be missing here is whether or not these relationships are all expected to be sexually exclusive. For example if someone is ACTUALLY an asexual and doesn't want or enjoy sex do they still expect a romantic partner to be sexually exclusive with them or would they allow their partner to have "meaningless" sex with someone else simply to meet their sexual needs since the asexual individual wouldn't really want to do it themselves?
 

·
Plumcot
Joined
·
2,186 Posts
I'm not quite sure what you're asking here...if someone isn't romantically attracted to you, then how would being in a relationship without mutual attraction be an option?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
473 Posts
The thing that seems to be missing here is whether or not these relationships are all expected to be sexually exclusive. For example if someone is ACTUALLY an asexual and doesn't want or enjoy sex do they still expect a romantic partner to be sexually exclusive with them or would they allow their partner to have "meaningless" sex with someone else simply to meet their sexual needs since the asexual individual wouldn't really want to do it themselves?
It honestly depends on the individual, just like it would depend on the sexual partner's willingness to meet their sexual needs outside of their relationship (since, as you said, some may see it as "meaningless" or would be uncomfortable with doing that). Some aces are okay with open relationships, others aren't, and everyone needs to be honestly on the same page for things to work out.

I'm asexual and I can't see myself in a relationship with someone sexually attracted to me, so I'd only feel comfortable dating another asexual. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of someone finding me hot, sexy, etc, and I'd feel like I was denying my partner something they needed in the relationship even if they assured me otherwise, and I don't know if I'd be able to healthily deal with them going outside the relationship for sex. So, I don't date people who aren't asexual (and my current partner is asexual and we've been happily together for years, so hopefully that will never pose a problem).

As far as romantic attraction, I feel like I could take it or leave it? I've always had a hard time delineating what the differences between my Ideal Best Friendship and Ideal Romantic Partner would be, so if they were still okay with being in a relationship with me and we both enjoyed each other's company I don't think I would be upset that they aren't ~in love~ with me as long as they still loved me, y'know?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,657 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 · (Edited)
Scenario 1: What if it's someone like me? I'm a sex positive asexual with a keen interest in kinks and fetishes so I wouldn't mind having sex with you if I loved you but I would never find you sexy or hot or the whole process sexuals go through when they feel sexual attraction cuz I have no idea *would love to hear if someone wants explain in detail about what sexual attraction feels like* but there will be a mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 1.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

1: I don't know what romantic attraction is supposed to be. No, I would not degrade you to a pawn. I don't approve of that, if you did not want to have sex with me but rather wanted to please me, you would easily find other ways to please me that actually work. Not minding, sex is not about not minding nor is anything else. If I wanted to go to a restaurant that you didn't really like, but you were "fine with" I would not take you at all.
Here's a question, if you had no real sexual relations would you be offended if your partner sought to have it with someone else?
1.2: Quite honestly have no idea what romantic attraction is and how it differs from simply liking another person.

Scenario 2: They might have sex with you but it would be a chore for them and you guys might have to come up with a comprise and even bring in timetables to have sex.
Scenario 2.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

2: I would not have sex with them at all.
2.2: Still, without romantic attraction, why would I be in a "romance"?

Scenario 3: No sex and no sexual attraction but mutual romantic attraction.
Scenario 3.2: Same scenario but without romantic attraction.

If I was romantically attracted to someone maybe I would engage in a romance. I would see no problem going elsewhere to have sexual relations. In the same way that I would not feel bad about playing baseball with my other friend.

The answer is yes, there would be nothing barring me from seeking sexual pleasure elsewhere and where someone would actually want to seek sexual pleasure with me.
I'm poly and I'm ok with open relationships. Sex is not important to me so I don't really care.

I have no idea what romantic attraction is either. It seems very subjective. All I know is that taking sex out of a romantic relationship doesn't necessarily make it non romantic. For example, for those who lost their sex drive with age or partners who lost ability to have sex or when kids have romantic crushes, etc their romantic partners even with lack of sex component are still their romantic partners. There is a romantic attachment that could and do exist independently from sexual attraction. However, there have been a few sexuals who claimed that their romantic partners will be "downgraded" to friends if the sexual component is not present.

I included that "no romantic attraction" scenario because there are aromantics who get into romantic relationships. So there's no mutual romantic attraction. Just like asexuals who get into sexual relationships even though there's no mutual sexual attraction.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,657 Posts
Discussion Starter · #20 ·
What do you mean "be with someone"?

I have plenty of non-sexual relationships, some very strong and deep.
I should added "in a romantic and/or sexual relationship".
 
1 - 20 of 71 Posts
Top