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I don't know how much more I can take. Since getting kicked out of my job (don't ask me here), I'd been living in constant anxiety irl. All you need to know is that I had a meltdown and had to go to the doctor because of it, and won't be able to start looking for a job again until I get clearance from the psych. But my family can't afford my treatment and my brother has a home-based business we're all involved in. Even my best friend who lives 2 hours from here and only comes on the weekends.

My older brother has anger issues. If we don't do what he wants, he will destroy our house. He already completely broke off the doorknob from the front door. I'm terrified of him, so I try to do his bidding. Our house is open for business every single day and I hate it. There is nonstop stimulation. Our home business makes Discord chats look quiet in comparison.

I suggested an old video game to help my brother relax. Now he's addicted to it and requests help with that also. There is no time for me to rest at all. Recovering from the nervous breakdown is out of the question. I feel so crazy inside that I could blow up anytime. Then it will be a fight to the death with my brother. My mom and my best friend are also annoying as hell, they can't stop talking or sharing memes, when all I want is peace and quiet and REST! Even in my dreams I find no rest, I'm so anxious I can hardly sleep and sometimes I have nightmares and wake up already tired.

I'm so so so tired and my doctor isn't responding, which means I can't get an appointment anytime soon. She is too busy, and she's my only hope of convincing my family to let me be confined at least a week or a month, just before school starts again. My meds have run out and I'm at the end of my rope...
 

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I burned myself out at work and took leave from work for a month. It feels both relieving and sad. I feel relieved that I am taking care of myself and sad that I couldn't do my job. I didn't want to be that guy who takes time off of work, but if I didn't things would have gotten worse. Maybe this will force management to take a look at how they are doing things and start to realize they can't keep not filling in vacant positions to save money. My health is not worth this job or the clients. I was noticing that I was working harder than the other organizations, the clients, etc. I think taking the time off shows that I am starting to set boundaries and am able to say no. When I return things will have to be different otherwise this will just happen again.

It sucks that because I work in mental health and addiction I don't feel want to access the group resources. No other organization offers free groups in my city. I have accessed individual counselling through my EAP and will also access walk in counselling at another place as I have to wait a long time for my next appointment. I bought a book on burnout and am working on that as well. I wish that my strengths, caring and having a strong work ethic are what has gotten me into trouble. But if I don't moderate my strengths than they become deficits. So overall I am proud that I chose to take time off work as this shows growth on my part and love towards myself. I needn't feel guilty that clients can take time off of work to take care of themselves, then I should also be able to do the same for myself.
 

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I don't know how much more I can take. Since getting kicked out of my job (don't ask me here), I'd been living in constant anxiety irl. All you need to know is that I had a meltdown and had to go to the doctor because of it, and won't be able to start looking for a job again until I get clearance from the psych. But my family can't afford my treatment and my brother has a home-based business we're all involved in. Even my best friend who lives 2 hours from here and only comes on the weekends.

My older brother has anger issues. If we don't do what he wants, he will destroy our house. He already completely broke off the doorknob from the front door. I'm terrified of him, so I try to do his bidding. Our house is open for business every single day and I hate it. There is nonstop stimulation. Our home business makes Discord chats look quiet in comparison.

I suggested an old video game to help my brother relax. Now he's addicted to it and requests help with that also. There is no time for me to rest at all. Recovering from the nervous breakdown is out of the question. I feel so crazy inside that I could blow up anytime. Then it will be a fight to the death with my brother. My mom and my best friend are also annoying as hell, they can't stop talking or sharing memes, when all I want is peace and quiet and REST! Even in my dreams I find no rest, I'm so anxious I can hardly sleep and sometimes I have nightmares and wake up already tired.

I'm so so so tired and my doctor isn't responding, which means I can't get an appointment anytime soon. She is too busy, and she's my only hope of convincing my family to let me be confined at least a week or a month, just before school starts again. My meds have run out and I'm at the end of my rope...
I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish there was something I could say to make it all better but I can't. I will send you positive thoughts and wish you the best.
 

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I did something crazy that might have saved someone's life, but... I lost my friends in the process and scared the hell out of my family. I didn't risk my life really, just my health. I ended up with a few minor injuries. I know I should be happy that said friend is still alive after what I did. But now I'm so sad because I can't even talk to her anymore. She's obviously scared of me now.
 

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Oh melancholy, it has been a while. I've gotten quite adept at blocking out deeper inner truths just so I can ride the wave's ebs and flows with more comfort and less existential anxiety. Doing so has brought me a lot of structure in the form of a new home, a new town and a new job. I've cleansed my life of extremely negative people and I've pushed through boundaries I didn't think I could push through, simply by turning my mind off temporarily and literally just doing it. Through it all I've hit a snag in 2019 where I simply feel lonely. I go out of my way regularly to uplift people and I have a fair amount of acquaintances and long-time friends, however like many INFJs, I have very few people who really get me or who want to be apart of my life more than just a hello or a coffee here and there. It's hard not to feel numb by this loneliness and it's hard not to feel bothered that maybe I don't exude much of anything when in the presence of others, or that people think I'm just weird. I know I'm hard on myself and many experience the same.

I had a random encounter with a stranger today that got my mind moving in this direction more-so. We hit it off well and there was great potential to be friends but I was on my break at work and had to hurry inside before we could exchange much information and now I'll probably never interact with this person again and am kicking myself I didn't get their Facebook or something as deeper conversations like that are quite rare and I could sense that went both ways. With age I am recognizing that it's hard for me to find fulfillment and I feel very outside of the world when I'm not even trying to be. I am actively trying to engage the world but each day ends with me feeling as though I'm missing something and that I may never find it.
 

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Theres this vision.

At last samurai, last scene, the nt cruise is accepted by the infj emperor after the emperor first is being firm with the estp there. The actors and the roles align perfectly there. I like that order.

Infjs setting up the law. And nt's enforcing it and admining the application of it.

I wonder. If the infj would council among eachother about how that was to become a reality removing the current state of net reality, could i become useful for you guys to take over. Me and my 150nt.s.
 

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Tehuti. Im just an intj. So my advice is secondary in value. But. I still am a man with 1academy deg regarding to militarized conflict management, and 2 civil deg from cognitive psychol and later sociology. And ive been around. Like, really around.

I am telling you this mate. Your race is the nb one target for the evil. The strat is for you to postpone your salvation, bc that will lead to lack of support from upstairs. And w/o Him, we truly are nothing at all in terms of out put or inner happiness.

Ideally all of you are disconnected from the n women too so that you shall no longer reprod.

So shortly, infj woman and God. And the add up more infj men and then come to lead me. I should be designed to handle the irl side of the things. Just that guys like me require orders from ppl we respect. We need those so we wont get too crazy about our power to influece outccomes small or large.
 

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If someone talks to me in confidence about something I make it a personal mission to never betray the trust they have placed in me by telling anyone else what they have said.

There have been people in my life who I thought did the same thing, family members even, but I know now that there really is nobody in my life I can trust enough to tell things that I need to get out but don't want anyone else to know.

It seems as though people think that if enough time passes then confidential talks lose their need for confidentiality. They become more likely to blurt it out during conversation just because it fills the silence and is something to talk about.
 

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Finally, a little bit of rest, physically, mentally and emotionally, right before the school year. I was able to see my doctor twice, she gave some tips, and I have a month's worth of meds. I should be a-okay until mid-August.

Except I'm not. The meds are totally messing with me now. My dreams are crazy vivid and idk when to take them so I could have proper sleep at the proper time. I've tried evening, morning and afternoon already. Something better stick soon, or I'll be in trouble in my classes.

I can't go to the doc too often. I can't do anything crazy anymore. But I need a source of income, one which will not mess with school hours and leave me with enough energy to go until around 10pm in the evening at least. People have been suggesting that I look online, but I don't know exactly where and how to do those jobs. I want to be able to support myself before I graduate two years from now. I'm no techie, and academics is all I'm good at, so I need a lot of help with the computer/internet side of things.

Please help. I need to get away from my environment within the next few years, preferably out of the country if I don't land a national level job in public service. There is much to learn and much to earn, if only I could expand my means and reach. People in my family don't even read books or watch international news. And this town is on its way to the dog pile. I need need need to get away.
 

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Sei35.

As contacting something like me is innacceptable, I take it your message was for the rest.

Listen. Im gonna say what Id do if I were you. You decide how/what is applicable.

1. Cut all psychiatric meds off and manually reglement you sleep hormone levz.

Mount insanity workout (find it from the internet) 5 hours before bed time to eliminate anxiety. It takes an hour perhaps, then if you have the option to shower/bath/bade do that for another hour. Now you are at -3hrs to ETA to sleep. Then eat light if you have the possibility. No oil cooked, nor meat. Extra activity in your belly will destabilize the hormanal circuit and your melatonin levs will get rolled over. Also. Do NOT use wifi, nor computers, nor phones after that insanity work out at all. If you have a dimmer, use it, if not, light a small candle and put something non inflammable in front of it to not have direct contact with light for melatonine levz to go up. Then after eating light at -2hrs till ETA.. pray lords prayer till you fall asleep. In 2 hours you shall sleep all the way till morning. Unless you need to take a leak, of course. To urinate that is. And even if that needed to happen, that process management will guarantee you the sleep you need.

2. Source of income.

After exiting the milly academy, then working for few years. After becoming a veteran, after arriving in the civil, I was invited to go for psychology and later sociology BSc. degrees. As making the call, I thought those would add significant value to my life, which they kinda did, sure. Now I had some capital from work, but the way I did it was via trading financial instruments. We would programme the trading algos to react in diverse ways to the news hours there were. Those were working well back in the day. So. We would have both money and time. Its was splendid. After that I leveraged us up and there we were then, among the best in the world doing that, with older guys who had finished education staying at the office and us the younger going tru our education there.

Now. I dont know if you can follow the same path and get it right there like that. But if you want I can both advice how you can make it there where you are, or you can visit our girls at the office, have a compensation for your learning period, and then either get back to school or remain in LDN if youre liking it how it is in EU.

I dont know what does it mean to be good at academics alone, but if that means teaching, then there are ways to capitalize on that too, sure. Just make mini youtube videoclips, add Patreon to it, and go freelancer. If you are of value, ppl WILL support your endeavour.

3. Environment

You see. In any given environment its your own mind we need to ctrl. Best environment, worst environment, we gotta keep it in check. So you are mainly focusing landing a public service position from the capital if Im getting it right. In as you wanna contribute to the community, which of course is what sosx's do. Now. We have our philantrophy projects our CEO & Chair run. They have allocations for all kinds of dilemmas and lobby too, of course. If thatd be potentially interesting to you, wed love to hear more about your area of expertise, sure.

Not following what you mean by "expanding your means and reach" here. If you wanna explain, Ill listen.

Dont worry about the family. Let the exist as they choose to. If you have higher ambitions, you use your opportunities and make it happen for you. If you wanna read n learn. If you want to understand the international arena. You need to get this one right with yourself: 99.9% of the general population are idiots. They genuinly do not care about the world. But as you said, those that do, usually not only get it going for them, but also get paid way better than those who have less social importance in terms of legacy.

All cities will go to the dog pile when Iran-syria-china-usa-etc ww3 erupts. Its just a matter of who we will be sharing those moments.

And. Try not to look at politics for one full day. Its a lot going on right now. And its gonna get worse. So instead of dilemma focused approache, close your doors now, till you feel better and more balanced and get back at it when you get stronger.

If you need a break. Like a vacation, I can help you with that one. Im a man without no other purpose in life than participating in what I consider genuine.

I had a man from singapore that had your type of situation. I send two of our Board members down there to check his integrity via due diligence processes. When they guy turned out to be just too smart for his shitty enviroment, they just took him onboard and now there he is, having already two online based restaurants and a very kind wife as well. Didnt look too stressed out when they visited us at the country club this spring. :)

But first. Just do this.

Breath ten seconds in. Hold 5. Exhale 10 second out. Repeat thrice. We did this during firefights. If it helped there, it helps anywhere.
 

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topifire at protonmail . ch

if you want, send me your email adress to that one time only usage email address and Ill send you back my normal email.

we will take it front there towards the direction you choose Sei35
 

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F F F it...

My father has come here 3 weeks in a row now, and is talking about doing business with my brother. Expanding the home-based food business that is already too much for me and my mother. Now I need a REAL job, and fast. I need to get out of this sh*t before they suck me and my bff into it without much compensation. I need my own source of income. If I'll be part of any business it should be my own, at my own pace. I can't stand all these people, all these products. I want out out out.

Heeeeeeelp!
 

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Hi there,

Long time no see, fellow INF's! I kind of need some objective advice, maybe someone wants to think/feel along with me..

Almost two years ago, my boyfriend experienced a traumatizing event. He was out drinking with one of his best friends and his ex-girlfriend. At one point, my boyfriend sees his best friend hitting his ex-girlfriend (hard) in the streets. While she passes out and people are taking care of her, my boyfriend walks up, angrily, towards this best friend to ask him why he did what he did. The best friend keeps defending himself ('she started it') and my boyfriend slaps his best friend in the face (not hard, I guess to 'wake him up'). This angeres the best friend more and he decides to hit my boyfriend, over and over and over again, until he too almost passes out and someone removes the best friend from the situation.
My boyfriend comes home that night, shaking and with a blue head, red ears, scratches in his neck. He is devastated. I checked every hour or so to see if he was still breathing, because we were worried for internal bleeding in his head. The friend had aimed mainly for the back of his head.

In the end the ex-girlfriend had a concussion, my boyfriend was ok-ish, except for emotionally. He was a wreck for months on end. He was (and still is) traumatized. I think the feeling he had can best be compared to the feeling of being raped. Losing part of yourself to the mercy of someone else. He also told me he felt so unsafe, he thought he could have died that night. He had yelled out 'stop' and 'help' but his attacker had continued nevertheless.

The former best friend never took the blame for the things he did, he never fully understood what it was that he did wrong and still thinks it was mainly my boyfriends fault for interfering in the first fight. The police decided that the former best friend was indeed in the wrong and needed a 'provisional discharge' - if he would behave for the next two years, nothing would be done, but if he wouldn't, he had to go to court.
My boyfriend doesn't trust the 'best friend' anymore and has made him (the former best friend) into some kind of devil of sorts. A sociopath. Perhaps he is right, but the situation we're now in, is still quite complex.

A lot of people (myself included) weren't there that night. A lot people decided to 'not pick sides'. My boyfriend explained everything extensively to a lot of people, but they still didn't want to be 'the judge of anyone'. This proved to be extremely painful for my boyfriend (and caused a second trauma I believe), because just a few people took the time to listen to his story or tried to empathise with him. Everyone tried to be 'objective' but my boyfriend feels it is a token of disloyality to still be this objective when one of your friends is hurt this way. People continued to be friendly to the former best friend, even started to gossip - about my boyfriends presumed temper, blaming the victim. I think he felt very misunderstood and alone around that time.

I of course side with my boyfriend and try to support him in any way I can. I do see he has enormous trust issues with people still. Now we're two years later and even the people who kind of sided with him in the first place, start to forget what this former best friend has done to him. These people are sometimes friendly with the former best friend or debate the other side of the coin. My boyfriend as a rule then tends to decide to never speak to these persons again, because they make him feel unsafe.

I think a lot of people don't have the capacity to be that empathetic and mindful of other people's emotions. I also think people tend to forget what happened.

I think I thought the trauma would subside over time, but as it turns out, it doesn't. I feel he has become a lot harsher/more direct and more selfish. I think he feels that in the end, he can only trust himself (and mostly me). He doesn't want professional help (I think he doesn't trust professionals either).
The problem that I experience is that he alienates my friends too. He is not forgiving and doesn't want to engage into conversation. I want to be loyal to his feelings, but as a 9.. I find it hard to decide upon what it is that I need to do.. Or what would be best... Or what I feel...

Thanks for bearing with the long story!! Any advice would be much appreciated. <3
 

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Hi @Liquidlucy,

There isn't anything you can do but love him to the most he will allow you to. This is the realm of psychology and professional help... you don't want to become his counselor by any stretch of the imagination. If he doesn't want professional help then he doesn't really want to get better. I would wager holding onto grudges is another symptom of low self-esteem and the self-martyr pity trip. That is NOT a healthy person to be in a relationship with... what happens when you tread over a nerve you weren't aware of, will you be forgiven.

Now, granted, I'm an INFJ and as soon as I find someone isn't willing to accept help or grow past their emotional baggage I can't help but consider that person toxic and I naturally want to move on. I'm not saying you should but if he's not willing to grow you have to ask yourself the question will you be able to love this man the way he is into the distant future. If the answer is no... better to move on now ... or at least give one more last ditch effort to convince him to seek professional help with someone who deals well with anger issues / low self-esteem.

The trauma and reason behind the trauma is legitimate, but you have to be willing to move on and let go. The fact that his friends actually sided with someone who struck a woman seems like he is running with the wrong crowd, or there's more to this story. If the old GF substantiates your BF's story then there should be no question. If he doesn't feel safe around his old friends, they aren't really friends and he needs to move on and find new one's through some other social activities no matter how hard that maybe or how much time invested in the old group there is. If the old Best Friend continually refuses to sincerely apologize for what he did that night... he's no friend but I have a feeling that's a moot point.

All in all my best advice through almost anything of this nature is to forgive and if the situation is still toxic to move on to a healthier place. It's really that simple but you have to be willing and desire greater well-being and it sounds like your BF wants to stay mired in this hate grudge.
 

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Hi @Liquidlucy,

There isn't anything you can do but love him to the most he will allow you to. This is the realm of psychology and professional help... you don't want to become his counselor by any stretch of the imagination. If he doesn't want professional help then he doesn't really want to get better. I would wager holding onto grudges is another symptom of low self-esteem and the self-martyr pity trip. That is NOT a healthy person to be in a relationship with... what happens when you tread over a nerve you weren't aware of, will you be forgiven.

Now, granted, I'm an INFJ and as soon as I find someone isn't willing to accept help or grow past their emotional baggage I can't help but consider that person toxic and I naturally want to move on. I'm not saying you should but if he's not willing to grow you have to ask yourself the question will you be able to love this man the way he is into the distant future. If the answer is no... better to move on now ... or at least give one more last ditch effort to convince him to seek professional help with someone who deals well with anger issues / low self-esteem.

The trauma and reason behind the trauma is legitimate, but you have to be willing to move on and let go. The fact that his friends actually sided with someone who struck a woman seems like he is running with the wrong crowd, or there's more to this story. If the old GF substantiates your BF's story then there should be no question. If he doesn't feel safe around his old friends, they aren't really friends and he needs to move on and find new one's through some other social activities no matter how hard that maybe or how much time invested in the old group there is. If the old Best Friend continually refuses to sincerely apologize for what he did that night... he's no friend but I have a feeling that's a moot point.

All in all my best advice through almost anything of this nature is to forgive and if the situation is still toxic to move on to a healthier place. It's really that simple but you have to be willing and desire greater well-being and it sounds like your BF wants to stay mired in this hate grudge.
Thank you so much for this response! Ending the relationship is out of the question for me. I've known him for so long, he's my friend in the first place. A grumpy friend, sometimes, but our relationship is good. As grudgy as he can be towards others, to me he is a loyal and loving companion.

I know he can grow past this, but I think it will take time... I try to be strict sometimes: when I see him turn in to this shielding grudgy guy I mirror his behaviour and the impact of his behaviour on others. Since he is some kind of EXTJ he's not always aware of/does not always care how he is coming across (which is a totally different challenge to deal with as an NF).

Yours is is an interesting perspective, as I now realise that he is already trying to make healthy decisions by selecting the people that he does or does not feel safe with (Te-Fi). Rather harshly, he is trying to choose for himself by exiting the people who make the slightest mistake. I sometimes debate forgiveness with him. Not for the people who do not care about it, but for the people who misjudged the situation and now feel sorry. I will try to walk alongside him, without losing my sense of self in the process (which is hard of course).

Many thanks again!!!
 

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Thank you so much for this response! Ending the relationship is out of the question for me. I've known him for so long, he's my friend in the first place. A grumpy friend, sometimes, but our relationship is good. As grudgy as he can be towards others, to me he is a loyal and loving companion.

I know he can grow past this, but I think it will take time... I try to be strict sometimes: when I see him turn in to this shielding grudgy guy I mirror his behaviour and the impact of his behaviour on others. Since he is some kind of EXTJ he's not always aware of/does not always care how he is coming across (which is a totally different challenge to deal with as an NF).

Yours is is an interesting perspective, as I now realise that he is already trying to make healthy decisions by selecting the people that he does or does not feel safe with (Te-Fi). Rather harshly, he is trying to choose for himself by exiting the people who make the slightest mistake. I sometimes debate forgiveness with him. Not for the people who do not care about it, but for the people who misjudged the situation and now feel sorry. I will try to walk alongside him, without losing my sense of self in the process (which is hard of course).

Many thanks again!!!
He's lucky to have you... the best advice I can give you if you are determined is to lead by example... everyone can benefit from professional therapy... even the healthiest around us suffers from some sort of trauma. Maybe find yourself a therapist even if just once in a while... this could help destygmatize the whole concept for him and he'd be more willing to do it himself... especially if you are able to talk about the general benefits it's doing for you... you'd be doing it for him but you'd be getting something out of it yourself, even if it's only once in a blue moon such as when you feel like you're "losing yourself" in the relationship or any other facet of yourself you'd like to work on.

Other than that, just support him in finding some healthy activities that will get him out and meeting new friends. You want him to have his own friends but he may need a jumpstart, someone he knows well to go out and be with while finding a new crowd. Help him discover some things that would interest him enough to enjoy the company of others who share that enthusiasm.

Want to apologize about the first response... I tend to want to jump ship as soon as someone staunchly refuses to attack or feel out their trauma... I consider it weak, selfish, toxic, etc. but I also realize I'm in a major minority that feels confronting one's emotions in brutal honesty and forgiveness is the true hope for mankind to overcome the recycling of trauma... take care, @Liquidlucy and hope everything turns out for the best for you.
 

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He's lucky to have you... the best advice I can give you if you are determined is to lead by example... everyone can benefit from professional therapy... even the healthiest around us suffers from some sort of trauma. Maybe find yourself a therapist even if just once in a while... this could help destygmatize the whole concept for him and he'd be more willing to do it himself... especially if you are able to talk about the general benefits it's doing for you... you'd be doing it for him but you'd be getting something out of it yourself, even if it's only once in a blue moon such as when you feel like you're "losing yourself" in the relationship or any other facet of yourself you'd like to work on.

Other than that, just support him in finding some healthy activities that will get him out and meeting new friends. You want him to have his own friends but he may need a jumpstart, someone he knows well to go out and be with while finding a new crowd. Help him discover some things that would interest him enough to enjoy the company of others who share that enthusiasm.

Want to apologize about the first response... I tend to want to jump ship as soon as someone staunchly refuses to attack or feel out their trauma... I consider it weak, selfish, toxic, etc. but I also realize I'm in a major minority that feels confronting one's emotions in brutal honesty and forgiveness is the true hope for mankind to overcome the recycling of trauma... take care, @Liquidlucy and hope everything turns out for the best for you.
True.. I can see he responds quite good to the things I learn from therapy (something I don't do atm because of the summer holidays here). Never really thought of discussing this with my therapist though, so that's a good idea for the next time.
And for your last paragraph.. I totally see where you're coming from and I can be like that too; if I have the feeling I'm the only one working for someone's happiness, it can get too much and the relationship tends to get unhealthy (because I 'cover' for their weaknesses). I tend to end it after when I see people don't want to grow anymore (or maybe I prevent them from growing by being their life jacket..). So it is indeed something I need to be aware of! Thanks for your caring words!
 

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I cant sit down and read my favorite books of fiction anymore.. I cant play video games all the way through or read comics all the way through and movies can even be difficult to watch all the way through.. but yet Im so focused on my research and fixing myself. I guess I see myself as a problem that needs fixing, and thats sad.
Why cant I be a gift instead of a curse?

Im trying to grow up, and stay the same, too.. like.. grow up in a way that stays in line with my values.. why is it so difficult to stay true to your values in this world? Why do people have to do without, and compromise their own morality just to get by in life..?

Im so stubborn that Ill end up forcing myself to stay the same.. I guess Im afraid of change.. of me being someone different than I was in the past.. that I cant trust being another person. I know who Im supposed to be now, and Ill become that person or bust.

I dont trust other people to do the right thing, I guess, because I dont want to be other people. I want to be me. I am fiercely individualistic and I guess I dont even notice that about myself..

Am I really so stubborn? If so, is my stubborness ultimately a good thing?
I feel like Im losing parts of myself as I move through life and its alarming.

I want EVERYONE to like me. I do.. and I know deep down thats unrealistic.. but when people dislike me it feels like my world will fall apart..
I think Im spoiled. My family gave me too much attention when I was a kid.
Now if Im not the good one, I dont know what to do with myself.

Being smart is something that.. well.. makes me happy.. but.. its not everything. Its a bonus of being me, if I am smart.
What I really want is to be liked.. because.. who am I if Im disliked?

Maybe I should just accept that there are people that will look for my flaws.

I dont know if I want to know why people will look only at my flaws..

but.. maybe its okay if I have flaws..

but it just seems so unacceptable. It seems dangerous to have flaws.

Maybe what I really want is to like myself. v.v

Mimi loved me, but she didnt like me.
My aunt loves me, but she doesnt like me.
My boyfriend dislikes some things about me, and likes other things about me.
That one guy didnt love me OR like me.

Maybe Im being a little extreme about my aunt and Mimi, but.. well.. they remind me that there are things they dont like about me every day.

I dont care about my appearance just because they do.. I dont care how my manners are just because they do.
so why do I stress myself out about it every damn day?
WHy do I let their desires control my life?
Why did I let Mimis fears hold ME back?

If I can like myself, and stop always trying to change for other people, maybe I will value myself more. Maybe I should stick to my guns.

Im not going to quit vaping just because he doesnt like me vaping. If he cant handle that aspect of me, then he cant handle me.
Thats one of the hardest things to accept about myself.. that Im imperfect.. but maybe if I can accept this imperfection, he can too.

Its not easy to quit vaping. He doesnt understand that. Hes not in my shoes. Yes, it might be seen as a character flaw. No, I dont think I can quit just because hes uncomfortable with it. I need to be realistic with him.
 

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I'm feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. The worst is, I don't really have to. On some level, it doesn't matter. But I want to be part of it, I want to participate, it hurts to be different and be kept at a distance. I hate myself for skipping class, for not taking care of my health, for not having a job because of sensory and emotional issues. I wish I could take care of myself just like any other adult. I'm turning 31, for heaven's sake. It's shameful to be me now. I know I don't have to be everything that society dictates, but boy, do I want to, sometimes I really really want to, and I'd throw away my personality and intelligence just to blend in and be part of things...


Help.
 
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