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黐線 ~Chiseen~
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So there's this woman I work with. She's a constant ball of energy where she asks 100 questions in 5 minutes.

Me being me, I have to absorb those questions, understand what she wants to hear and need, then give my response. nuh-uh. she believes I am playing games with her with my thought process, slow analytical answering, indecisiveness and responses. But first things first, I'll start from the top.

Situation is, I suggested a laptop for her to purchase based on her spec requirements. She bought it, wound up didn't like it. Kept on whining about it every time she got when I'm near. I told her I'll buy it from her just to keep her quiet and her mind from running in circles from a 'bad' purchase.

Fine. Done deal. We decided on an installment plan of $200 per paycheck until paid off.

Fine. Done deal. In between several weeks prior, I asked if she ever had dinner at a restaurant that had local live show before. She said no.

I invite the crew of co-workers to go there on occasion over the years before, figured since she was a newcomer to bring her in the circle as well. So we decide on it. She said her old roommate was going to be in town that week to for visit, I said to invite them as well.

Fast forward to this afternoon, we met during break so I can hand over the final $200, she asks about the dinner if it was still up for plans because her roommate wasn't going to be arriving until later in the week. My answer for her was something like "It can be if she's still up for it."

Basically, she got all frustrated with my response because I couldn't give her a straight up yes or no answer. She blew up saying I make things all difficult. She accuses me of playing mind games with her. All this stemming from my indecisiveness and blah blah.

So the problem I'm having right now is her big bubble of spontaniality and what she wants from me in terms of reaction. She goes on and on about having already made the decision a month ago and that she already made up her mind, she brought up the topic/question again to see what my answer would be. And because I didn't "straight forwardly" answer yes or no, she just went bonkers.

I can adapt. That's what chameleoning is there for. However, I cannot chameleon into a mode without further understanding mimicking behaviors. As a result, she would go wtf. And I'm thinking wtf.

To throw it out there, there's no relationship here. So make no misunderstandings with that first. I'm just trying to learn a system on how to "deal" with this person. My INTP gut is telling me to don't bother and remain sane. But my curiosity is getting the best of me making me want to tear down how such people exist and function.

If I were to guess, she's ENxJ. Still can't figure out if more F or T. We talk tech much, but she dismisses a lot of things that should apply to her but may not apply to her in her mind. So zoning in on ENFJ as my temporary answer for the time being.

Right now, I'm utterly baffled as all hell how to deal with this one ENxJ. There doesn't appear to be a rhyme or reason approach. Leaving analysis out the door doesn't even seem to be helping either.

Thoughts? Let me know if you need more information on how to proceed with this psychological tango.
 

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First off, I really don't think she is an EN*J, I think she is an ES*J. The fact that she thinks you are trying to play mind games with her by just being flexible seems like something my ESFJ friend has told her boyfriend on many occasions.

From what I gather about such types is that they observe social conventions and compartmentalize peoples' behaviors according to these social conventions. She basically assesses what is considered appropriate behavior and adheres to it strictly. She expects other people to adhere to such behavior as well or they have violated an internal value of her's. She probably applies her own experience to other people. With the party thing, she probable felt like you were not giving her a straight answer of "yes" or "no" and this suggests you were going to bail, or you are unreliable, or you are inconsistent. Of course you were just unsure if she was going to come being that her friend wasn't going to be in town and this induced you to phrase it in a way so she wouldn't feel obligated to come.

If she has a problem with your analytical answers then this further suggests she is an S. My mother and sister and best friend and ex bf were all ES*Js and they absolutely could not follow my answers to questions. They felt like I was beating around the bush or wasting my breath or something. Now, I always try to give straight answers even though realistically the issue may be more complicated.
If she was intuitive then she wouldn't whine so much because she would realize the implications of such whining and the fact that she is alienating you and making you feel like crap.

I am sure I will get attacked for grossly generalizing sensors but I have noticed this lack of consideration for the bigger picture and an inability to realize implications of their actions and words unless they have been given proof. A sensor needs cold hard proof of what will happen as a result of their actions and once they get this proof (from personal experience or a textbook or something), they are unlikely to stray from the conclusion they have drawn.
 

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NiTe 549
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I invite the crew of co-workers to go there on occasion over the years before, figured since she was a newcomer to bring her in the circle as well. So we decide on it. She said her old roommate was going to be in town that week to for visit, I said to invite them as well.

Fast forward to this afternoon, we met during break so I can hand over the final $200, she asks about the dinner if it was still up for plans because her roommate wasn't going to be arriving until later in the week. My answer for her was something like "It can be if she's still up for it."

Basically, she got all frustrated with my response because I couldn't give her a straight up yes or no answer. She blew up saying I make things all difficult. She accuses me of playing mind games with her. All this stemming from my indecisiveness and blah blah.
That suggests Te to me, not Fe. I think an Fe-type would naturally understand your response better, as an attempt to be inclusive of the friend she decided to invite, while she was probably looking to fit you concretely into her schedule.

If I were to guess, she's ENxJ. Still can't figure out if more F or T. We talk tech much, but she dismisses a lot of things that should apply to her but may not apply to her in her mind.
On the flipside, maybe she is dismissing them because of inferior Feeling, wanting not to relate, but to view things objectively.

You said she's spontaneous/questioning: What kinds of things does she ask you about, and why is she asking you? Is there a structure to her questioning, i.e. is she trying to get a fuller picture of something via details?
 

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Oh I dated a woman like this before, it was hell. Took me a while to realize it was hell. I always tried to take care how I said things and she was always getting mad because I was "Bullshitting" her. She wanted me to be like her who just says whatever the hell is in her mind without thinking about it first. She would just get so mad and I couldn't understand why the fact that I was thinking before talking was such an issue. Her belief was that if I'm thinking about it first then I'm not being honest.

In your case, it sounds like your friend knows that there was going to be something with some other co-workers and she was asking if it's still happening. I'll have to kind of take her side on this one, if it's a thing with other co-workers then it is either happening or it is not. It's not something that would happen only if she wants it to happen.

Do not confuse Thinking and feeling for smart or irrational though. Feelers can be great nerds and still be feelers. But they sure drain my energy fast :(
 

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@qingdom:

I do tend to find your responses somewhat ambiguous at times. This is mostly amusing, particularly since your intentions are good, but it might irritate J's. I'd say make an effort to be succinct, straight forward and black and white.

Spell things out in a way that might make you uncomfortable. Try and anticipate what the person would say and keep things task based rather than having discussions. Skills worth practicing as this won't be the first EJ you'll encounter. Yes, probably an S.

http://www.socionika.com/intution_sensing.html
 
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With ExxJ types the biggest suggestion I have is to let them see your (edited) thought process. We have a tendency to race through a series of thoughts and then speak only what makes sense (to us) for others to hear. This may not make any sense to them, particularly if they can't pick up on what you were thinking. I find other NTs tend to follow our thought processes quickly enough that this isn't generally a conversational dilemma, NFs need a little more direction, SPs and SJs need you to be much more open -- especially if they're extroverted types.

With regard to events - always always always maintain that the plan is solid UNLESS you can come up with a reason why it's not (e.g. "I'm waiting for the restaurant to confirm the reservation" "I'm waiting to see if my job approved my time off"). Being on the fence is not a good enough reason. It is better with SJs to say something is going to happen and then cancel if it's not than it is to keep them in limbo. I don't know why they prefer this, but my SJ friends & family are always more forgiving after the fact than before.

Also, with the bullshit meter thing -- just work on being more verbal. Extroverts always seem to think introverts are hiding things from them intentionally, when we might just view it as too much effort to say everything we're thinking. Once they see that yes, we really are just thinking about what we want for dinner, they ease up a bit.
 
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