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Feeling extremely lonely, empty, and invalidated enough to throw it all away and do something stupid.
I've been missing school since last week because I couldn't cope. One more week of this and I risk failing classes.

I'd tried reading, changing my reading list, praying, chatting with friends, chatting with new people, spending time with my bff, watching anime, watching a series, doing chores and errands, going to class twice even though I felt sick, and going to my therapist. Nothing worked long term. The most I could get for my effort was an hour or two of validation. Yeah I exist. So what? Life is f*cking painful. I didn't ask to exist.

To top it all off, my head hurts like crazy right now.
 

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It seems like you are in the middle of a depression, have you tried going to the school medical center? They might be able to help diagnose you and get you a valid leave?
It's a small community college. We don't have a medical center, but I'd been seeing my therapist since before the school year. Getting a leave is a bit extreme, but yes. If I'm away for more than two weeks, it can't be helped. It would be valid but catching up will be complicated after that.

Thanks for responding.
 

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I am sorry for how you're feeling right now, I have had times when I felt like that too. When it all seems like too much, and I don't even know what my purpose is. It sounds like you are doing a lot too stay on top of it.
But, in my experience, sometimes depression is going to sit with me for a while no matter what, at my age I can see it for what it is, it's a part of myself, I don't like it. But, there it is anyway.
I just keep going, and it doesn't look pretty, but, so what. I am doing what I need to do, even if it isn't perfect.
If this helps, I hope it does, you'll get to the other side of this episode. Don't believe everything you think, just ride out the storm for now there are better days ahead.

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I'm not sure what you expect us to do, it's an issue that a professional would be most equipped to handle. Life is painful? Chances are good your life is "painful" because you perceive it that way, rather than facing external and significant issues that would make it so.

I'm a loner with no major ambitions in life and I'm fine (that said I may be anomaly/outlier, most people aren't and they are fairly content with their lives), having a blast by doing things that I enjoy, not things that others would want me to do. You need to change your life to suit your attitude, to achieve satisfactory results. In case you can't, then change your attitude (one way or another) so you can be satisfied either with what you have or what you could have and pursue that thing.

I would start asking myself a question why I feel lonely or empty in your place. If I couldn't answer I probably would pin it on some neurological issue and searched for best available solutions to deal with this type of issue. If you know the answer you may pursue that thing or things, if you can't or you're unlikely to succeed, then I would think about next best substitutes of those things.If you still don't find them good enough then attitude change is required.
 

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I'm not sure what you expect us to do, it's an issue that a professional would be most equipped to handle. Life is painful? Chances are good your life is "painful" because you perceive it that way, rather than facing external and significant issues that would make it so.

I'm a loner with no major ambitions in life and I'm fine (that said I may be anomaly/outlier, most people aren't and they are fairly content with their lives), having a blast by doing things that I enjoy, not things that others would want me to do. You need to change your life to suit your attitude, to achieve satisfactory results. In case you can't, then change your attitude (one way or another) so you can be satisfied either with what you have or what you could have and pursue that thing.

I would start asking myself a question why I feel lonely or empty in your place. If I couldn't answer I probably would pin it on some neurological issue and searched for best available solutions to deal with this type of issue. If you know the answer you may pursue that thing or things, if you can't or you're unlikely to succeed, then I would think about next best substitutes of those things.If you still don't find them good enough then attitude change is required.
I've been seeing professionals for more than a decade. Turns out, they're just regular people with extra degrees. And some don't even care about their patients enough to give a thorough examination/discussion.

Good for you.

I know my underlying condition has a lot to do with my problems, but there is no cure for autism, no matter how high-functioning I seem. Sooner or later I won't meet expectations. Sooner or later I'll break down for apparently no reason. And people will take it against me, and nullify everything I've ever achieved, everything positive I'd brought to the table... and have nothing more to do with me. It is so easy to walk away from someone so defective. Unfortunately, I can't walk away from myself.

I crave connection. I crave love. I have much to give, but nobody is interested. That hurts the most because my weaknesses are exposed but my strengths are not.

I need room to grow, and not have all those expectations from society, school, and family pushed on me. Room to be my own person. And people who accept me as I am.

I'm so tired... Please forgive me if I'm not making sense.
 

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I've been seeing professionals for more than a decade. Turns out, they're just regular people with extra degrees. And some don't even care about their patients enough to give a thorough examination/discussion.

Good for you.

I know my underlying condition has a lot to do with my problems, but there is no cure for autism, no matter how high-functioning I seem. Sooner or later I won't meet expectations. Sooner or later I'll break down for apparently no reason. And people will take it against me, and nullify everything I've ever achieved, everything positive I'd brought to the table... and have nothing more to do with me. It is so easy to walk away from someone so defective. Unfortunately, I can't walk away from myself.

I crave connection. I crave love. I have much to give, but nobody is interested. That hurts the most because my weaknesses are exposed but my strengths are not.

I need room to grow, and not have all those expectations from society, school, and family pushed on me. Room to be my own person. And people who accept me as I am.

I'm so tired... Please forgive me if I'm not making sense.
1. Obviously they're just regular people just with expertise regarding specific topic that renders them bit more equipped to handle and offer additional solutions to neurological problems.

2.You can function in a society with autism and be satisfied, so you don't really need to cure it.Nor it seems to be your problems are direct result of autism, at worst byproduct of it and inability to live up to expectations and/or fear of losing what you've. I think you're paying way too much attention what others think of you, all you should give a damn is those who're useful to your objectives. Meaning you need money, so concern yourself with what your boss thinks of you, at least enough to not get fired by preforming an average quality job.

3. You have said you've the best friend, so not sure if you're speaking about that in romantic context or admiration from the public. With amount of people in the world and easy access to means of mass communication likelihood is huge, there are people interested in whatever product you've to offer. Yeah, I can tell you from personal experience that walking away from a defective people, easy as it may seem (what left me quite stunned), doesn't seem all to be that common in practice (in family settings at least).

4.That is not going to happen, people will have expectations out of you and sometimes even push those expectations on you.You yourself have such expectations, to at least some degree in regard to other people. However, unless they have a power to force those expectations upon you, you don't need to meet them. Most likely others having expectations regarding you, isn't an issue imposed on you by others, it's issue you impose on yourself. My advice do what you need to survive and live comfortable standard of life and outside that do whatever you want do with your life. Maybe you need accept people as they're and realize you don't need to fulfill all expectations, even of people you hang out with.In addition to that, you spoke about how unfortunate it's that you can't walk away from yourself. Maybe you should accept things you can't change about yourself and work with what you've and focus on what you can change in order to obtain what you desire.

I would try on your place find other source of satisfaction in life than pursue of love or admiration from others but if you must then you need to pursue best path to achieve those. Tried dating and online dating or even hooking up similarly minded people online? Even if you're a weirdo, there is no shortage of various types of weirdos online.
 

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@Sei35

Have you tried this exercise? Stand in front of a mirror with proper posture, shoulders down and back, chest angled forward/upwards, smile big, gaze into your own eyes, and breathe deep. Do this for fifteen seconds every day along with some light exercises like jumping jacks, jogging in place. After a week, go for thirty seconds. Keep increasing the time.

Integrate it into your daily morning and evening routine. Forget about the studies, sciences, and whatnot behind it.

No negotiations! Do it, gurfren!
 

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@Sei35

I feel you, sister. I have been there. You know what I did? I did throw away everything. Not that I had much and whatever I had was such a burden. So I threw everything away. Over the past 15 years I have looked back and wondered how it would have been if I had not throw away what I had accomplished so rashly. I was in a nice place. But the feeling of the burden and brewing resentment inside.... ooooh gives me the chills even thinking about it now. That's why I said, I feel you. I am here for you for whatever you need. As much a I can do. I don't know what that is but ... I just want to say please don't feel alone. I care. I care because I have been there. And nobody was there for me when I was falling apart. It'd feel nice to be there for you.

So, question arises (I hope it does not offend you) - what is it that you want to throw away. What does it mean to you right now? Hanging on or giving up is a complex thing and I wish that whatever you choose you do not do it rashly. Eventually my life turned out okay but I could certainly have done better if I had acted less rashly. The acting rashly got stuck so deeply into my soul that I harmed a lot of good things that happened my way, that came my way. And then regretted everything so much. Yes, I am with you when you say that life is painful. Indeed it is. But one thing I want to say that they don't tell you, that nobody told me is that you can take it. You don't like it, you can definitely do without it and you have some real love and caring to give to someone or to the world at large and there are no takers for it. Yes. All of it is true and you know what is hurting the most? The desperation to have things here and now. Right now. And in that desperation you are going to make decisions that you will not understand why you made them and then you would perennially look back and wonder what would have happened if you hadn't thrown away everything. I'd have hugged you if you were close. You need a hug. Ask someone close to you to just hug you once. For me. Looking back at the past like that is not going to be fun.

If they don't value you, you need to take a step back. I value you. You don't need anybody else's value. They don't have any values, how will they give you any? If they had some, they would have given you, wouldn't they? But they don't have it. And if someone offers they don't accept. They doubt if there are hidden intentions behind the valuable that you are offering. Nobody offers freely. So, please, don't offer your own value so freely, so without restraint to anyone. Come back, come back into your own skin. Feel yourself. Take a bath. Move around in your room in a way that you love your self, your place, your life. However small it is, there is something in your life that you love and is safe. You hang on to that while you go on about your daily business. Hold on, just a little longer. And even if you decide to throw it all away, I will still be there for you. A lot of love for you. The world is a beautiful place. Struggles of beautiful people make it so.
 

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@Sei35

I feel you, sister. I have been there. You know what I did? I did throw away everything. Not that I had much and whatever I had was such a burden. So I threw everything away. Over the past 15 years I have looked back and wondered how it would have been if I had not throw away what I had accomplished so rashly. I was in a nice place. But the feeling of the burden and brewing resentment inside.... ooooh gives me the chills even thinking about it now. That's why I said, I feel you. I am here for you for whatever you need. As much a I can do. I don't know what that is but ... I just want to say please don't feel alone. I care. I care because I have been there. And nobody was there for me when I was falling apart. It'd feel nice to be there for you.

So, question arises (I hope it does not offend you) - what is it that you want to throw away. What does it mean to you right now? Hanging on or giving up is a complex thing and I wish that whatever you choose you do not do it rashly. Eventually my life turned out okay but I could certainly have done better if I had acted less rashly. The acting rashly got stuck so deeply into my soul that I harmed a lot of good things that happened my way, that came my way. And then regretted everything so much. Yes, I am with you when you say that life is painful. Indeed it is. But one thing I want to say that they don't tell you, that nobody told me is that you can take it. You don't like it, you can definitely do without it and you have some real love and caring to give to someone or to the world at large and there are no takers for it. Yes. All of it is true and you know what is hurting the most? The desperation to have things here and now. Right now. And in that desperation you are going to make decisions that you will not understand why you made them and then you would perennially look back and wonder what would have happened if you hadn't thrown away everything. I'd have hugged you if you were close. You need a hug. Ask someone close to you to just hug you once. For me. Looking back at the past like that is not going to be fun.

If they don't value you, you need to take a step back. I value you. You don't need anybody else's value. They don't have any values, how will they give you any? If they had some, they would have given you, wouldn't they? But they don't have it. And if someone offers they don't accept. They doubt if there are hidden intentions behind the valuable that you are offering. Nobody offers freely. So, please, don't offer your own value so freely, so without restraint to anyone. Come back, come back into your own skin. Feel yourself. Take a bath. Move around in your room in a way that you love your self, your place, your life. However small it is, there is something in your life that you love and is safe. You hang on to that while you go on about your daily business. Hold on, just a little longer. And even if you decide to throw it all away, I will still be there for you. A lot of love for you. The world is a beautiful place. Struggles of beautiful people make it so.
1.I'm not sure what do you mean by throwing away everything. Casting away resources or jeopardizing own chances to obtain them, without stable alternative or sufficient reserves to last for a long time without a steady supply, isn't the wisest idea. I'm not sure what saying that you're here for her exactly accomplishes here. She has the best friend. so she isn't exactly alone, you're just a stranger telling her obvious thing and offering meaningless support. That is unless you're offering her a relationship, what perhaps would solve her problem.

2.That's flawed logic. Just because someone didn't give you anything of value, doesn't mean they don't posses anything of value. Human relationships usually consist of some kind of a trade-off.So fact someone doesn't give you anything of value in return for what you offer may mean they don't consider what give to be of value enough to exchange it for something of valuable to you. I would just simply one could have a life one could be content with without many things that people have to offer and just simply focus on areas that are crucial, such as job and if you must relationship (didn't say I didn't warn you).Rest of time one could dedicate for independent activities that bring one satisfaction in life.
 

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@burningsoul It sounds like you know me. And that you've been there. So I'll go to the core of the problem.

And if someone offers they don't accept. They doubt if there are hidden intentions behind the valuable that you are offering. Nobody offers freely. So, please, don't offer your own value so freely, so without restraint to anyone.
Indeed, my motives, even my sincerity was questioned by some people. But those people don't matter to me, they're not the one I love the most. The one I offer my value to, she understands, but she doesn't have the time... I wish I could give her my time, because I don't need it... Her life, her being is so much more valuable than mine. I am not fit to shine her shoes. And I simply can't.

What is love without the beloved? Rumi survived after Shams left, by his strong faith and sweet poetry. On the other hand, I am losing my mind and living faithlessly, questioning myself, questioning the meaning of this life, and questioning God. If only I had more faith to carry on!
 

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1.I'm not sure what do you mean by throwing away everything. Casting away resources or jeopardizing own chances to obtain them, without stable alternative or sufficient reserves to last for a long time without a steady supply, isn't the wisest idea. I'm not sure what saying that you're here for her exactly accomplishes here. She has the best friend. so she isn't exactly alone, you're just a stranger telling her obvious thing and offering meaningless support. That is unless you're offering her a relationship, what perhaps would solve her problem.

2.That's flawed logic. Just because someone didn't give you anything of value, doesn't mean they don't posses anything of value. Human relationships usually consist of some kind of a trade-off.So fact someone doesn't give you anything of value in return for what you offer may mean they don't consider what give to be of value enough to exchange it for something of valuable to you. I would just simply one could have a life one could be content with without many things that people have to offer and just simply focus on areas that are crucial, such as job and if you must relationship (didn't say I didn't warn you).Rest of time one could dedicate for independent activities that bring one satisfaction in life.
What do you expect from me here? Why have you quoted my post?
 

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@burningsoul It sounds like you know me. And that you've been there. So I'll go to the core of the problem.



Indeed, my motives, even my sincerity was questioned by some people. But those people don't matter to me, they're not the one I love the most. The one I offer my value to, she understands, but she doesn't have the time... I wish I could give her my time, because I don't need it... Her life, her being is so much more valuable than mine. I am not fit to shine her shoes. And I simply can't.

What is love without the beloved? Rumi survived after Shams left, by his strong faith and sweet poetry. On the other hand, I am losing my mind and living faithlessly, questioning myself, questioning the meaning of this life, and questioning God. If only I had more faith to carry on!
Reading your response, it seems to me that self-destruction is calling you. That does happen to poets, you know. When the heart breaks, poetry flows. But I'd still wish for you to keep your senses while you go reckless with your heart. Who can say what you do with your heart, who can tell how you choose to love your beloved? Even finding one is hard, leave aside loving someone. That said, have you told her of your heart or you only secretly cherish your enchantment with her?
 

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Reading your response, it seems to me that self-destruction is calling you. That does happen to poets, you know. When the heart breaks, poetry flows. But I'd still wish for you to keep your senses while you go reckless with your heart. Who can say what you do with your heart, who can tell how you choose to love your beloved? Even finding one is hard, leave aside loving someone. That said, have you told her of your heart or you only secretly cherish your enchantment with her?
She knows. She understands.
 

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Whatever you do, do it with grace. I had forgotten what heartbreak feels like, especially the first time. You just reminded me of that. Mine broke like it was a delicate vessel of glass thrown over rocks. All I can remember of what happened is that image. All else is forgotten. You will remember only what you write. All else will be washed away, like tears in rain. And one day, a rage monster will rise desiring to burn everything down. The whole thing has happened so many times that the story sounds all too familiar. Do you also see the ridiculousness of your feelings or do you wholeheartedly worship her? I was ready to destroy so much for her. In the end all I managed to hurt was my own life. All that hurt eventually became something that I can't live without.

You would worship her especially when you say she understands. And you understand what she understands. What I don't understand is why the two of you can't be together.
 
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Whatever you do, do it with grace. I had forgotten what heartbreak feels like, especially the first time. You just reminded me of that. Mine broke like it was a delicate vessel of glass thrown over rocks. All I can remember of what happened is that image. All else is forgotten. You will remember only what you write. All else will be washed away, like tears in rain. And one day, a rage monster will rise desiring to burn everything down. The whole thing has happened so many times that the story sounds all too familiar. Do you also see the ridiculousness of your feelings or do you wholeheartedly worship her? I was ready to destroy so much for her. In the end all I managed to hurt was my own life. All that hurt eventually became something that I can't live without.

You would worship her especially when you say she understands. And you understand what she understands. What I don't understand is why the two of you can't be together.
The situation is ridiculous. My emotions are not, no matter what other people say.
She is straight, lives in a different continent, and has no time.
And all I have is time.
 

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The situation is ridiculous. My emotions are not, no matter what other people say.
She is straight, lives in a different continent, and has no time.
And all I have is time.
The first girl I loved lived in a different country. We never met. Yet I remember her to this day. Her voice was honey. She was a singer. You have no idea how your pain, that is so unbearable right now, is going to transform and is going to transform you into a whole different person. Pain? Pain is the least of discomforts you will go through. Pain would seem much better in comparison. Stay with your pain while it lasts. Don't try to fix it.
 
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Feeling extremely lonely, empty, and invalidated enough to throw it all away and do something stupid.
I've been missing school since last week because I couldn't cope. One more week of this and I risk failing classes.

I'd tried reading, changing my reading list, praying, chatting with friends, chatting with new people, spending time with my bff, watching anime, watching a series, doing chores and errands, going to class twice even though I felt sick, and going to my therapist. Nothing worked long term. The most I could get for my effort was an hour or two of validation. Yeah I exist. So what? Life is f*cking painful. I didn't ask to exist.

To top it all off, my head hurts like crazy right now.
Yeah same idk dude I just sleep.

Take a tylenol and go to sleep. Think it over again with a clear head tomorrow. Also drink water.
 

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I'm not very good with this sort of thing, but please, please, try and think long term. Don't think short term. Your life is so much bigger than just the current moment. However long it takes, so long from now you'll be looking back on what you're experiencing now as ancient history. As much as waiting sucks, it'll happen, and you just need to ride things out until then. Please don't do something regrettable for the sake of your short term feelings. You've got a long future left, and you're not the only one who'd be affected if you did something hasty to yourself. Don't let the life journey you've been on up until this point be for nothing. Keep following the road and see where it leads. You could be surprised. But remember along that road you're the driver, too. Drive sensibly. Make good decisions, and watch your life build up into something you can be content with. Eat ice cream and hug cats. But not too much ice cream. As many cats as you want though.
 
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