[CynicallyNaive]

It's pretty well accepted that INFPs crush hard! It makes sense -- we idealize, we feel deeply, we envision the future.

Today i'm thinking about how this tendency toward emotional entanglement isn't always healthy. To an extent it's OK, but when we grant one person such control over our sense of well-being, without an underlying commitment, we're really not exercising good emotional boundaries.

But disengagement is tough. Disengagement when there's still potential for things to work out with another person, when it's too early to give up, when thinking about a future with them is oh, so tempting, well... it feels damn near impossible. But it's still an important skill to learn.

We can learn emotional and mental self-discipline. We're not going to learn it all at once, but we can work on it. When we catch ourselves going down that road, we can snap a rubber band on our wrist or just start staring and thinking deeply about whatever we literally see right in front of our face. If we must indulge in futuristic emotional thinking, we can time-box it and push it off in the future. "Tomorrow i will let myself process my emotions toward her for 15 minutes. That's all."

Thoughts?

 

[demonfart]

nice nice ) I don't see myself staring at a person for a whole day yet I still get comments about how obvious I could be. Yes, I believe INFP's love/crush hardcore > In my age, a single touch from someone gave me a spark like a shiver that gives timbers. They say it has something to do with the hormonal changes going through my stage. Besides that, I cant give an answer. Because I do imagine myself having a future with someone (that someone is imaginary btw. XD) and find my time go to waste. I guess we just have to wake ourselves every now and then and still keep the happy and giddy feeling(cause i'd like that. thank you very much

lol. i have no idea if this is what you are referring to though thinking of these seems unnecessary for my age. or is it just me :O

 

[Runvardh]

Sounds about like what I do. It's necessary, unfortunately.

 

[HeyGirl]

Logical/rational thinking works pretty good for me. I sometimes just remind myself of which beliefs of mine are true/untrue and which emotions are justified or unjustified (because some are based on a wrong belief). Its not about trying to convince yourself, its about reminding yourself of whats actually true.
This video is kind of about that topic and pretty amazing it just brings clarity (to me at least but I guess it could help lots of people), especially helpful around 1:42, but you should whatch it all

 

[minerva83]

how is the rubber band snapping thing going? I actually have one on my wrist as a pattern interrupt. I used it for two days straight and idunno, but it seemed to work well those two days. I'm finding I'm more in control after waking up from bitter sweet dreams as well. I could have easily came apart because the dream was so real and intense but instead I just thanked my sub conscious for working in my sleep to process these intense emotions and feelings.

 

[CynicallyNaive]

how is the rubber band snapping thing going?

Ha, well, i was actually using an imaginary rubber band, and thinking "SNAP!" as i snapped it in my imagination. But you inspired me to actually grab a few as i walked by an office supply closet, so we'll see if it helps.

I'm finding I'm more in control after waking up from bitter sweet dreams as well. I could have easily came apart because the dream was so real and intense but instead I just thanked my sub conscious for working in my sleep to process these intense emotions and feelings.

Not related to the rubber band, right, or is it? (I'm amused by envisioning you snapping it in your sleep. :happy But that's great that your subconscious is hard at work.

 

[minerva83]

yes, definitely use a real one. when the thought is especially upsetting I give myself a good loud SNAP to where it stings.. literally snapping myself out of it. when it's a pesky thought I just give a regular SNAP to my wrist and often that knocks it out.

I do a lot of energy healing techniques and employ different strategies for overcoming subconscious programming. I thought energy healing was nonsense until I had one done on me a couple years ago that was so intense. it was life changing really. now I use different techniques on myself such as EFT, TAT etc. something I've been doing is definitely working!

 

[cricket]

I know guys that keep several rubber bands on their wrists to keep them from goggling at hot girls. I used them for awhile to help me snap out of it sometimes, although I often forgot they were on my wrists. But when you snap it, it definitely re-routes your brainwaves.
Also, I know that when I'm feeling mentally healthy and good about myself (when I'm working out, doing yoga, or focusing on my spiritual life) it gets a lot easier to handle/control the emotional attachment thing. Because you basically described me. I'm freakishly idealistic to a detrimental point. But it's too complicated and wordy to explain something you already understand.
*...when we grant one person such control over our sense of well-being, without an underlying commitment, we're really not exercising good emotional boundaries.*
^Yeah. Basically. It's like I build up this wall of expectations that he can never climb, especially if he didn't promise or plan to in the first place.

I totally watch this guy lol :crazy:
On youtube, I mean

 

[cricket]

And then I actually watched the video, and I realize that this guy is a T. Obviously.
Emotional Intelligence? Rejecting my emotions??!
Does. not. compute... :mellow::tongue:

 

[HeyGirl]

@cricket really? haha thats so cool, that guy is awesome and I love his T-ness

I gotta try that rubber band-thing one day by the way

 

[bigtalljay]

I don't crush very often, probably because of being a tad idealistic. But when I do, it is pretty intense, and it doesn't have to be based on a whole lot other than the fact that I want them. I can build the rest, trust me. When I meet someone who I like a lot, but I don't actually know that well, my imagination can take over and fill in all the holes in my knowledge. Yes, they're perfect for me! Green light!

I recently had to try to let go of a crush because it was evident that the girl just didn't see me that way. This is something I actually realized quite some time ago, but kind of ignored it. I didn't feel like all the evidence was in yet (yeah, that's my P at work). So, in my optimism (or fantasy?) and determination, I pressed on trying to capture the heart of someone I think the world of. I don't know if I have uncrushed, so to speak, but I did make a decision not to pursue her with my actions. I think our actions can sometimes steer our emotions. One side has to give in (isn't this dissonance, or something like it?). It's like the smile working its way in cliche. At any rate, I have tried to allow reality to work its way into my head little by little.

My hangup now will be still trying to imagine the future. Maybe she'll change how she feels! Yeah, anything is possible, but I have to try to rule that out and not cause myself pain. I don't have to remove the possibility altogether, but I can't continue to place it at the forefront of everything. It should be on a dusty shelf somewhere, if I need it, and not written on the mirror.

Here's to hoping that someday fantasy and reality will agree with each other. Am I doing it again? Sigh...

Seriously, there has to be a reason we want someone or something, and it's not always that we're delusional. If it's worth pursuing, it's worth pursuing. And I don't see any shame in that.

 

[Sonne]

Today i'm thinking about how this tendency toward emotional entanglement isn't always healthy. To an extent it's OK, but when we grant one person such control over our sense of well-being, without an underlying commitment, we're really not exercising good emotional boundaries.

But disengagement is tough. Disengagement when there's still potential for things to work out with another person, when it's too early to give up, when thinking about a future with them is oh, so tempting, well... it feels damn near impossible. But it's still an important skill to learn.

We can learn emotional and mental self-discipline. We're not going to learn it all at once, but we can work on it. When we catch ourselves going down that road, we can snap a rubber band on our wrist or just start staring and thinking deeply about whatever we literally see right in front of our face. If we must indulge in futuristic emotional thinking, we can time-box it and push it off in the future. "Tomorrow i will let myself process my emotions toward her for 15 minutes. That's all."

Thoughts?

Good advice. *goes to snap rubber band a couple hundred times*

 

[Stable Genius]

I have these same tendancies too. I've found the best way for me is to diversify my options. The sooner I start falling for someone, who may or may not have feelings back, the sooner I'll look for someone that has different qualities than the first girl. The more options, or potential options, the better. You're heart can't fall in love with 7 people at once.

 

[CynicallyNaive]

Good advice. *goes to snap rubber band a couple hundred times*

Right? I'll give you a run for the money on who has the most red marks. (An awkward encounter with my "crush object", who proceeded to pointedly ignore me, at a time when i was trying hard not to think about her didn't help. Must... not... process... new... data... until.... Tuesday....)

I have these same tendancies too. I've found the best way for me is to diversify my options. The sooner I start falling for someone, who may or may not have feelings back, the sooner I'll look for someone that has different qualities than the first girl. The more options, or potential options, the better. You're heart can't fall in love with 7 people at once.

Good points, and i'm doing this right now. However, at times when there hasn't been someone prominent in the picture, so to speak, i've found that this tendency works against me. I end up unable to decide among several decent options and not pursuing any of them.

Then again, would i really have been better off pursuing someone else just to be pursuing someone?

=====

Partially this thread is motivated by the fact that i'm in a "nothing to do but pray and wait" situation right now, so i really need to follow my own advice. It's a bit different when you're reflecting on the best course of action, in a situation where following a course of action would be helpful. Even then, though, it's important not to give any one individual such control over your emotional state with no commitment to go along with it.

I know that i'm a valuable person with plenty of good attributes that some woman will most likely appreciate at some future point, so one person's judgment on me just shouldn't be something that threatens my self-image.

 

[ethylester]

I got through about 20 seconds and it became way too fast and intense for me! slow down dude!!! ahhh! too much stimulation! haha

 

[HeyGirl]

@ethylester yea you'll probably need to stop the video from time to time and think about what he said/ understand it. But once you understand it you'll realize that its awesome

 

[CynicallyNaive]

@minerva83 @Silt @HeyGirl @cricket

So far i'd say the rubber band thing is less than a resounding success. If i snap it, i start thinking about why i snapped it and caused myself pain. Then that sends me off thinking about her again, and we're back where we started.

OTOH, i've gotten somewhat decent at redirecting my thoughts without one. I wouldn't say i'm always good at it, and sometimes my thoughts take quite a bit of effort to redirect.

"LOOK! SIGN! LOOK! TRAFFIC LIGHT! LOOK! GAS STATION! LOOK! WENDY'S!"

Hard to focus so much on stupid **** that you forget about important stuff, but sometimes necessary.

 

[minerva83]

oh no! that's not how it's spose to work. I can see how it could have that effect though. anyways thanks for keeping us posted, CN. I was wondering how you were faring. also the rubber band is only one of my many tools in my tool kit as I've mentioned before.

I hear you about the focusing on stupid shit to distract from painful thoughts. sometimes the whole mindfulness just really makes me angry rather than peaceful.

 

[CynicallyNaive]

Snap! Snap! SNAP!

I know this isn't only true of guys, but... my goodness, we are so visually oriented. All it takes is stumbling upon a photo of her in a friend's FB and we're off to the races again.

I'm trying to control it by realizing that my physiological and psychological reaction is perfectly normal, but i still control my thoughts and my ability to set boundaries. I can focus on the texture of the desk in front of me... my cubicle walls... the clothing i'm wearing... and i can take back my mind by walling it off against someone who's not yet earned access to so much of it.

:happy:

 

[CynicallyNaive]

Yesterday was "Processing Day", my first rubber band-free day. Just based on the small sample of one, i like this approach to boundary-setting a lot. I felt like i was able to think about stuff from last week with a clearer head because i hadn't been cogitating all weekend.

I did think of a sort of counterpoint to my OP. When i talk about an individual occupying my thoughts too much, it's because i see her as a potential spouse. It's probably wise to evaluate a potential spouse by thinking about how married life would with her. Setting overly aggressive boundaries to never think about this is probably too much of a good thing.

But only thinking about her within certain time boxes is probably sensible.