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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Never really posted in your forum or gave ENFJ's much thought before now, but I feel like I've uncovered a diamond!

My last few girlfriends were all SF's who I was in love with at various points, until I'd realize, despite their looks/personalities, they weren't what I wanted long-term because they weren't intellectual enough. I met an ENFJ on OKCupid though, and I think I'm falling for her and don't know what to do.

Wed (the 4th), we chatted online and ended up FaceTiming(iPhone Skype) for a couple hours that night. On Friday we planned to meet up, but something came up and she couldn't make it, but we talked for 4 hours that night anyways. The next day we hung out, got lunch, played at a playground. I played her some guitar and she took a nap on my shoulder. At this point I realized she might seriously be the girl I want to marry: smart, generous, beautiful, into MBTI, snuggly! So, I extended our date and I took her to a sci-fi action movie (Riddick) as a test... and she really liked it. We kissed, she said "that was fun" with a giddy smile, and that was that.

I texted her, but didn't receive any communication back for over 24 hours. Since then I've heard next to nothing except a few days later that she's been busy and that we should definitely hang out but she doesn't know when.

What's going on? We were talking a lot, and I thought we had amazing chemistry, but she hasn't even snuck in a short phone call or made any prospective plans to hang out again? She did come into it with the notion that I might be a player... She's also just returned to the bay Area so could be catching up with friends. Do you think it's that? Another guy? AHHH I even started writing a guitar song for her, my first time writing in over 2 years. I'm also tempted to disable my OkC profile and tell her "I disabled it because I met somebody I like" "(it's you)". Is that pathetic, esp after just 1 date and a couple extended phone calls?

ENFJ's what's going on in her mind and what should I do? Play it cool and not call/text her? Smother her and show I'm serious? Or is she really just busy and should I chill the fuck out?
 

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Oh, this one is so hard to call. I could do that for so many reasons. It could be that I got spooked. It could be that I had something up in the air with another guy, and the kiss made me feel that now I needed to choose. It could be that I don't want to return your text because then I will be waiting for you to return mine. It could be that I need reassurance. It could be that I am swamped with work. It could be that I've decided I'm unsure whether I'm into you and need a little space. It could be that some old, unresolved crush came back into the picture.

If any of these things were true, I think a short message could solve a lot. "I'm thinking I might want to date you exclusively. What are your thoughts on that?" If I needed reassurance, that would help me to get there. If I were swamped with work, I might not respond right away. If I'm unsure, then I think I would say that I needed time to think about it. If there was someone else, I might ignore it for a while if I wanted to keep my options open. But I'd definitely feel some pressure to choose.

Watch out though. If she's not into you, then she's not really the person that you think she is. We ENFJ's really want to be accepted by everyone. We want so badly to be liked and accepted that sometimes we might catch ourselves subconsciously emulating someone else and empathizing with their likes and dislikes. We are chameleons.

I mean, heck, I find that I take on the accent of other people wherever I go without even knowing I'm doing it. My voice changes depending on whom I'm on the phone with.

We don't mean to do it, and, as we mature, we learn to be more as we are as opposed to as we think people want us to be. But just be aware, she may only be acting like your soulmate. That doesn't mean that she is your soulmate. She's not doing it on purpose if she is. And she really could be your soulmate and just is busy or needs reassurance.
 

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For me, if I'm not responding then it's always for a reason. I'm a single mom with a demanding job and I still find the time to respond to people so I don't buy anyone's excuse of being "too busy", ever (barring some real reason like you are on a mountain with no cell towers of course). imo, someone's non response means "You aren't a priority to me." How much time does a simple text take? 30 seconds?

So it may be she was feeling it at the time but thought about it later and maybe you have a 'dealbreaker' or she's not quite sure. I'd send her an honest text and say "I really like you, I'm not sure if you feel the same way, but I'm wondering if you'd like to get together again? If not, that's totally cool, but I'd rather know than not so I can know either way." Or some wording that takes the pressure off her so she can truly answer you honestly.

If you don't want honesty then don't ask and keep wondering ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the feedback. You guys are very wise. I can see everything you said being true, so I texted her something along the lines of your advice:

"Hey I've tried calling you a few times. You said you're really busy and I want to know whether you actually are in interested in getting together again because I haven't been able to get through to you"

Her response:

"I'm sorry! I am on the other line. Yes I am definitely! Sorry for sucking at communicating that"

It looks like I built the problem in my own head :) I really wanted to text her that I like her etc..., but don't want to put any pressure on her so soon.
 

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Thanks for the feedback. You guys are very wise. I can see everything you said being true, so I texted her something along the lines of your advice:

"Hey I've tried calling you a few times. You said you're really busy and I want to know whether you actually are in interested in getting together again because I haven't been able to get through to you"

Her response:

"I'm sorry! I am on the other line. Yes I am definitely! Sorry for sucking at communicating that"

It looks like I built the problem in my own head :) I really wanted to text her that I like her etc..., but don't want to put any pressure on her so soon.
Why don't you just casually text her? I mean....without saying that you like her and everything. Just text her and ask her if you can call or chat every so often....keep yourself on her mind. I know "I" personally like things to move slowly at first.....if a guy seems to eager or desperate for a relationship, it can be a turn off. However, if a guy casually keeps conversation/chitchat flowing while at the same time making it clear that he's interested, I'd appreciate it.

I've also been checking out the OkCupid dating scene recently, and the tendency to rush things is a bit of a turn off for me personally.
 
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