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Should I give her a place on the team?

  • Yes

  • No. Be blunt about it

  • No. Find an excuse

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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi everyone,

I need help deciding whether I’m being too extreme. I am INTJ.

In university I became close friends with my ENFP classmate but I cut her out of my life after we had an argument in final year. She said some things which I find too insulting to forgive.
After school, I was one of a few to get employed by a top company in our field and she was without a job until a year and a half later when my company recruited a lot of interns.
Me being myself, I had earned a reputation and progressed past entry level, while she was coming in as an intern. She smiles with me and speaks to me normally like nothing happened. I forgive her but I don’t trust her....I don’t think I ever will again.

I created a team and started a group for women in my industry and it has started to lift off. She told my veep if she wanted to join but wasn’t sure if I would approve. My veep is now asking me. Should I let her in? Please I need other views.

she has been very nice but occasionally I see her previous character emerging. According to 40 laws of Power, keep your enemies closer but...I just can’t fake smile with her. What do you all think?

Edit: she is currently laid off due to COVID-19. I don’t know if this might shape your views
 

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Beer Guardian
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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Hi everyone,

I need help deciding whether I’m being too extreme. I am INTJ.

In university I became close friends with my ENFP classmate but I cut her out of my life after we had an argument in final year. She said some things which I find too insulting to forgive.
After school, I was one of a few to get employed by a top company in our field and she was without a job until a year and a half later when my company recruited a lot of interns.
Me being myself, I had earned a reputation and progressed past entry level, while she was coming in as an intern. She smiles with me and speaks to me normally like nothing happened. I forgive her but I don’t trust her....I don’t think I ever will again.

I created a team and started a group for women in my industry and it has started to lift off. She told my veep if she wanted to join but wasn’t sure if I would approve. My veep is now asking me. Should I let her in? Please I need other views.

she has been very nice but occasionally I see her previous character emerging. According to 40 laws of Power, keep your enemies closer but...I just can’t fake smile with her. What do you all think?

Edit: she is currently laid off due to COVID-19. I don’t know if this might shape your views
1. Can you think of a viable reason not to include her?
2. Can you justify excluding her to your management?
3. Is it worth it to try?
 

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If you have veto power and/or are indispensable to the group/team, I think you can say no. It seems she's expecting you to say no anyway.

If management wants you (as they seem to), they'll go along with it. They might even help you come up with an excuse for leaving her out.
 

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who 'owns' the group? if the company sponsors it in any way you may not be in a position to veto. otoh, if it's your personal initiative then going through your workplace chain of command to put you onto spot seems sort of distasteful to me. like, if she told him/her that she'd like to be invited into your home that would Not Be Okay.

i dunno. politics are messy and difficult. you may want to take the high road and act like the personal history doesn't even exist in the professional world, because #professional. i don't socialize with upper management types, but i can't imagine they enjoy being put in the midst of their reports' personal spats.

which is not to say i see this as a personal spat. it's just unpleasant when you know you have cause to not trust a person, but you don't have any grounds on a 'visible' level to keep them where you'd like them: away.

eta: and on the third hand, everyone needs/has the right to earn a living. i've asked myself what would i do if someone i'd crossed paths with in a bad way before were to show up in a new place, and i think unless they had done something that bordered on personal endangerment, i'd probably put on that totally neutral bootface and opt for the 'act like the past doens't even exist' kind of hting. and then i'd keep an eye on them, because ime people who've wronged me are sometimes untrustworthy because they're even less comfortable with the rapprochement than i am.
 

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INTJ 5w4 (Sp/Sx) 514
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Honestly, take emotions out of it and look at it from a business perspective.
You don’t have to like her personally, but you are looking for someone who can do the job efficiently. That is your job.
Make sure you don’t let your personal feelings get in the way.
 

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Side-eyeing her for mentioning to your VP that she thinks you wouldn't approve. Is she adept at social manipulation? That's the only thing I would be concerned about.

Anyway, if you're in charge of the group's day to day activities (and it's not a loose association) and this lady's past behavior included shit-stirring, then I would say no.

If you don't have to see her everyday and you think she would contribute positively to the group without causing drama for you or anyone else, then yes.
 
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wrong thread
 

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I forgive her but I don’t trust her....I don’t think I ever will again.

I created a team and started a group for women in my industry and it has started to lift off. She told my veep if she wanted to join but wasn’t sure if I would approve. My veep is now asking me. Should I let her in? Please I need other views.
'

You have nothing to gain by admitting her. You owe her nothing, and on top of that you don't trust her. Sounds like an easy decision to me. Easy to decide, difficult to execute.
 
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