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3 years ago, I trained two new workers at my job who would go on to be my closest friends, one who would unexpectedly become a friend with benefits. One is an INTP (21 at the time) and the other an INTJ (19). Since we worked on campus at school and clicked so well, we became really close by hanging out almost every day of the week for about a year.

One summer night, my INTJ friend was dropping me off home and was acting pretty weird. When we pulled up to my place, I won't get into specifics, but he basically asked to hook up which completely threw me off guard since he had a girlfriend and didn't give off any signs that he was interested in men. He took a big gamble asking me since I wasn't out either nor was I obvious about it. I was quiet for a bit, unsure of what to do because this was something I have never done (I was 23 at the time never having had a relationship) and also at the fact of going behind his girlfriend's back, but because I resonated with his situation and would've wanted someone to explore my sexuality with at his age, I thought I would help him out and agreed--kind of a weird way to put it, but that's how I initially felt.

For the next couple months, we would fool around once every two weeks or so, but I told him I was having doubts about where this was headed because I started to develop feelings for him. He was very convincing and laid out some rules (like no kissing, meeting once a month instead, etc) which I complied with, but I hadn't realized how manipulative this was until later.

A couple months again and I deleted him off all social media and cut all contact (ghosting I guess?) because his rules only made things worse for me and I felt taken advantage of since we only hung out to hook up and I didn't feel like we were friends anymore. He was unaware of this until we bumped into each other in another city (what are the odds right?) with his now ex-girlfriend. I told him everything, and he understood, agreeing to every point that I made. He is very closeted and perhaps I was asking more than he could handle (which I felt wasn't that much), but above all, I just wanted us to be friends. He agreed to stay friends.

But of course, he had to surprise me coming out of the bathroom naked the next time I came over to his place for what I thought was going to be a hangout as friends. I... didn't know what to do, but naively just went with it and that went on for another month before I caught myself in that emotional loop again and I had it at that point. Even after all that we talked about, he still couldn't get it.

And now, here I am. It's been about a month since I cut all contact with him again and I'm sure he's aware of this. It's just a shame because he was one of my closest friends, but what especially made the decision hard for me was the other INTP friend that I would say I'm closer with. They're both roommates, so if I had to cut my INTJ friend off, I probably wasn't going to see much of my INTP friend since they usually hang out together, and I can't exactly tell my INTP friend why I can't hang out with him if the INTJ guy is going to be there.

I'm not sure if I should reach out to him to salvage whatever we have for a friendship and make it clear again that I strictly want to stay friends. A part of me feels that I'm overreacting since I am a highly sensitive person, but there's no denying that he has wronged me. I do miss him, but I can't trust him at all. So, I'm here to see if anyone has any relatable personal experiences or any fellow INTJs have any insight or advice for this situation.

Thank you for reading if you got this far.
 

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Plague Doctor
INTJ, 5w4, Ni-T type
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Something very liberating in the situation that you describe is to just come out with everything that has been going on to everyone involved. You'll find that it's not really that big of a deal and most people who care enough about you will understand most of this.

While there is some moral ambiguity in this, generally, I don't think it would destroy a relationship with your INTP and then your INTP friend will understand the dynamics and will make his/her own decisions about the best course of action.

I'd not start anything else with your INTJ - just steer clear. He doesn't seem healthy or like he has your best interests in mind. I feel sorry for his girlfriend (assuming that they're exclusive).
 

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I would steer clear of him if I were you. I understand that doing so might be difficult because of your feelings or attachment to the friendship, but really, it is probably for the better. Don't feel guilty about leaving the friendship behind, you can't be a good friend to someone who makes you like this, and there's nothing wrong with that. To me, it seems like there are a few too many "coincidences" occurring on his part throughout your telling of the story, this makes his motives seem manipulative and questionable at the very best IMO.

Based on what you've said, it's also clear that you can't have a "normal" (one where feelings won't come back into the picture and things are actually 100% platonic) friendship with this guy, it's very likely that the feelings will always eventually return unless you address the situation.

Personally, I've been in the exact same situation as you're in bar the manipulation I think. I was far too attached to a friend of mine who didn't reciprocate my interest for the longest time, and I would keep convincing myself that I had "moved on" but the feelings would indefinitely come back because I never made any changes to what I did or how I interacted with them. As you can probably imagine, the experience became increasingly draining as it went on and things only got worse; it also caused me to lash out and do a lot of things that I regret.

Looking back, I should've been a lot more honest with myself; only god knows how much pain that would have alleviated. At the end of the day though, I'm glad that I finally broke out of the negative cycle I was in, and I'm sure you'll feel the same way after a while too.
 

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Naive, huh.

I'm interested in what was said. You claim that he agreed with your position, but homeboy didn't want to kiss you and had strict rules for how often you'd meet up and he had a girlfriend. That screams of someone that only sees you as a good lay, so I wonder how the situation could be misunderstood outside of you being blinded by the hope that he'd develop feelings for you.

Based on what you wrote, I don't think he wronged you at all. You knew he was closeted and he only wanted sex. So unless he's said or done something else, it sounds like you played yourself.

Are you sure that you really want to be just friends? To me, it sounds like you want to be acknowledged in public at least or be in a relationship at most. I say this because dramatically cutting off all contact only to hop on his dick once again is attention seeking at any cost, not ending things. [and you already know that he's happy to keep going for more as long as you offer yourself]

Advice: stop offering if you don't want to get hurt. Don't have sex with him if you want to be friends. Be honest if you want something more. Move on if he can't or won't give you the relationship you want.

btw, this comes across as harsh, but I'm typing it with a knowing smile on my face if that helps.
 

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A part of me feels that I'm overreacting since I am a highly sensitive person, but there's no denying that he has wronged me.
i don't think any of that matters. you're not into the situation the way that it stands, and sexual relationships of any kind are supposed to be consensual. so you get to back out of that side of it, and there's nothing you have to justify. it wasn't working for you. you don't have to go along with some pie-in-the-sky promise of changes either, if you're just not in the mood. seems straightforward to me, at least morally.

I can't exactly tell my INTP friend why I can't hang out with him if the INTJ guy is going to be there.
why not? idk . . . sure, awkward if you're going to spill the whole story when you say it, but there's no hard-core reason why you should have to spill the story. not to mention, if intj is 'in' and you want to respect that, then you more or less can't spell it out. but you shouldn't have to feel handcuffed by respect for somebody else's closet . . . and you're not. you could just say 'something came up between intj and me, which makes it so i don't want to associate with him anymore.'

also, i don't mean this to sound like i'm trying to catch you out, but it puzzles me how you can be 'closer' to someone if you've never spent 1:1 time with them in the past. idk, maybe you run your social life differently from me.

in any case, assuming that they're not totally joined at the hip leads me to the second assumption that accommodating a new boundary doesn't have to stop your friendship with intp in its tracks.
 
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