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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
DisclaimerI have been gathering courage to discuss this for quite a long time now. As an advisory measure, I warn that this may end up in a rant, eventually. I will try not to rant.

Anyway, on the topic.

I'm a healthy, 20 year old male. However, unlike other 20 somethings, I haven't put my penis inside another person yet. Not that I have a problem with being a virgin. Okay, I do, actually. But not because of peer pressure, though.

I feel like, once you reach a certain age, sex becomes part of the daily life. People talk about sex like it was no big deal, and I believe it shouldn't be either. And being a virgin takes a bit from this for me. In a overly exaggerated metaphor, it must feel like discussing shades of red to a colorblind person.

The thing is: I have been with a girl before. We made out and I surely achieved an erection. Great job for my penis. Things got a bit steamy, and when she climbed on me, I just couldn't do it anymore. This frustrating event kept going for as long as she had patience. Eventually it ran out.

Analyzing the situation, I felt like I was terribly afraid of having sex with her. Even though I was in the mindset for it, when things finally came to it, I flinched. I eventually traced that I probably am afraid of sex.

Recently, I got drunk, and a friend questioned why I haven't had any girls so far. I told him I just couldn't do it. He asked me if I had given any thoughts on whether I might be gay, since I couldn't do it with girls, perhaps I was looking into the wrong direction.

And I have given thought about it. But to my utter frustration, I concluded I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it with boys as well. I believe that I may romantically engage any person, regardless of the gender, but I can't have sex with them.

The whole idea of sex is a bit alien to me, and I can picture myself doing. Again, not that I have a repulsion towards it. It's just that I can't do it. The concept of sticking my penis into a hole is completely foreign to me, regardless of the hole.

I want to romantically engage a person - and I believe my inclination is towards heterosexuality - but the role of sex in a relationship makes me extremely conscious about it. I have seen some stuff about people who can only have sex with persons they love. I don't think that would work for me either.

tl;dr I'm a male that don't feel comfortable about putting his penis inside someone. The idea makes me anxious. But I want to romantically engage someone, and my fear of sex is in the way. Even for the sake of having a relationship, I still can't have sex.

I'm looking into help to sort out this mess of my sexuality.
 

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Remember the first time you drove a car? You were probably apprehensive about getting into what was essentially a 4 thousand pound killing machine. You were probably nervous about screwing up and the odds were definitely against you, but you did it anyway. Soon enough you start driving around all the time without even thinking about all the accidents you could be getting into anymore.

Sex is a lot like driving. Some people are terrible at it, some people love it, and some people just refuse to do it. In the end, it's not really that big of a deal and you'll get over your insecurities.
 

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Hookers, lots of hookers. No on a serious note, its just anxiety brought on by waiting for something so long that you have made (in your mind) a very big deal of it. Something that may help is by getting in a relationship first and feeling very comfortable before you try anything, then working your way up bit by bit to the main event. Its not that your afraid of sex, its other things, perhaps performance or expectations, perhaps consequences. If this bothers you, get someone you trust. I avoid one night stands now because i get much more pleasure delaying the experience with someone and buiding it all up rather than just ploughing into something drunk off my ass and neither of us enjoying it.

Work on a comfortable relationship with someone first. Then step by step build up the sexual activity making it clear from the outset (because honesty is fucking awesome in these situations) that you will not be having sex right off the bat.

Hope you get it figured out in the end.
 

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Well, thing is that you have to be 'ready' to have sex, how cliché it might sound. Most people go through that in their teens I suppose but everyone is different. I think it depends on your moral view of sex and relationships in general. Most religious and "traditional" people make sex out to be a much bigger issue than what it is, and that can easily put pressure on you.

Ask yourself why you are afraid of sex. Ask yourself how you think you developed this fear. What do you think will happen when you penetrate her? What will emotionally and mentally happen?

Random questions. Do you watch porn regularly? This has caused people to have a stupidly high standard of what to expect from sex and has put huuuuuuuge anxiety in a lot of people of both genders. When you were about to penetrate this girl in your story, was it only a mental block from your part, or did you have problems maintaining your erection as well? Cause that is another common problem with a lot of males, that the pressure they have on themselves make them unable to keep their erection, though they don't talk about it to solve it. (Surprise surprise!)
 
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DisclaimerI have been gathering courage to discuss this for quite a long time now. As an advisory measure, I warn that this may end up in a rant, eventually. I will try not to rant.

Anyway, on the topic.

I'm a healthy, 20 year old male. However, unlike other 20 somethings, I haven't put my penis inside another person yet. Not that I have a problem with being a virgin. Okay, I do, actually. But not because of peer pressure, though.

I feel like, once you reach a certain age, sex becomes part of the daily life. People talk about sex like it was no big deal, and I believe it shouldn't be either. And being a virgin takes a bit from this for me. In a overly exaggerated metaphor, it must feel like discussing shades of red to a colorblind person.

The thing is: I have been with a girl before. We made out and I surely achieved an erection. Great job for my penis. Things got a bit steamy, and when she climbed on me, I just couldn't do it anymore. This frustrating event kept going for as long as she had patience. Eventually it ran out.

Analyzing the situation, I felt like I was terribly afraid of having sex with her. Even though I was in the mindset for it, when things finally came to it, I flinched. I eventually traced that I probably am afraid of sex.

Recently, I got drunk, and a friend questioned why I haven't had any girls so far. I told him I just couldn't do it. He asked me if I had given any thoughts on whether I might be gay, since I couldn't do it with girls, perhaps I was looking into the wrong direction.

And I have given thought about it. But to my utter frustration, I concluded I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it with boys as well. I believe that I may romantically engage any person, regardless of the gender, but I can't have sex with them.

The whole idea of sex is a bit alien to me, and I can picture myself doing. Again, not that I have a repulsion towards it. It's just that I can't do it. The concept of sticking my penis into a hole is completely foreign to me, regardless of the hole.

I want to romantically engage a person - and I believe my inclination is towards heterosexuality - but the role of sex in a relationship makes me extremely conscious about it. I have seen some stuff about people who can only have sex with persons they love. I don't think that would work for me either.

tl;dr I'm a male that don't feel comfortable about putting his penis inside someone. The idea makes me anxious. But I want to romantically engage someone, and my fear of sex is in the way. Even for the sake of having a relationship, I still can't have sex.

I'm looking into help to sort out this mess of my sexuality.
I think I'm a bit sex phobic myself :S Just like you, the idea of it is fine when I'm in a relationship with someone I care about, but when it comes down to it... I... just don't know, lol. I've decided that I'm really not going to give it much thought any more. If I have sex, great. If I never do, oh well. I honestly just don't think I've really trusted someone enough to cross that bridge yet. That's what I think my problem is. Time will tell :p In the meantime, I'm not going to give it any more thought. Chin up, my friend. You're not alone :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Sex is a lot like driving. Some people are terrible at it, some people love it, and some people just refuse to do it. In the end, it's not really that big of a deal and you'll get over your insecurities.
I've given thought to it, and I do realize that your metaphor is one perfect example of how I feel. I used to skateboard, and whenever I was about to give a big jump, I didn't do it, even though I was pretty sure I could do it. I understand it is a irrational fear, but it exists. Again, like your example, I have to give a chance to it before dismissing it altogether.


@Lloydy Very well put. On my own rationale, I've concluded that a relationship based on trust would make things a lot easier. Using Nomen's example, you don't get to drive a car on your own for the first time - you need an instructor. And I have yet to meet a girl who is willing to play this instructor role for me.

Once again, and also replying to @DarkyNWO, I'm afraid that some past experiences have certainly affected the way I feel about sex today. My father took me to a whorehouse when 12 years old. To make matters worse, he was very rude and demanding (as far I remember), telling me the way I should touch the women there. When I didn't followed his instructions, I was met with rough remarks.

Answering *****'s questions - No, I don't watch hardcore porn, and have made an effort to 'detox' myself from the female standard set for the adult industry. When I was with this girl, I could mantain an erection for a whole long time, but as soon as she(and even sometimes, me) initiated a more direct form of sexual behaviour, it went away. I think it was a mental block, indeed. It was sort of 'Oh my god, I'm gonna have sex' to which my penis went like 'Fall back! Fall back! Full retreat!'.

@Ace Face, I don't know how women handle the expectations that society put on a 20-somethings that still haven't had sex. I feel like if I had chosen to not have sex on purpose, things wouldn't feel like they feel. But I have an existent sexual drive, which I can't satisfity, along with the feeling that I'm missing on something - even if it isn't a big thing.

And to be honest, you have no clue how relieved I am about knowing I'm not the only person through this.
 

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I would suggest losing your virginity within the confines of a monogamous relationship, if at all. You seem to place value on having a comfortableness with sexual partners that you are emotionally connected to. Have you looked into "demisexuality"? I know many on PerC are not into labeling their sexuality, but it might be a good place to start.
 

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I agree that demisexuality may be appropriate for your situation. But I don't really agree that having sex with someone just to get it over and done with is a good idea. People matter more than the sex, and I think you're more interested in the person and the experience, and not just getting through it just to do it. I agree with @corgiflatmate , I think you should wait until you find someone you can feel completely comfortable with, someone who doesn't make you feel pressured, who understands, and actually waits until you are ready. I think a monogamous relationship is the best choice.
 

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On my own rationale, I've concluded that a relationship based on trust would make things a lot easier. Using Nomen's example, you don't get to drive a car on your own for the first time - you need an instructor. And I have yet to meet a girl who is willing to play this instructor role for me.
Not necessarily. Finding someone to play the instructor role might be a good idea as someone who cared about you may also enjoy the challenge of showing you the ropes and corrupting you their own way, on the other hand their experience may intimidate you further and provide a seat for jealousy to sit in the future (i have seen this happen in friends relationships before). On one hand it may be good but do not rule out being with someone with no experience because then both of your expectations are at the same level and it can be fun to grow sexually with someone as you both explore together the things you do and do not like. I believe this can be equally as good for you. As i said before, what you need is someone you trust and someone you can be totally honest with about experiences and expectations, this will remove a considerable amount of anxiety from the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Get an actual girlfriend who you feel comfortable with, who cares about you, and you won't be so nervous.
I agree that this is probably the best course of action. I have to say I was almost convicing myself that I was psychologically unable to have sex. And as a mechanism of comformation, I was starting to shape my appearance accordingly (If I'm not gonna find a mate, why bother looking good?).

Going out to the beach with another friend yesterday made me think about the whole deal, giving me a new strenght to go on with this. That, along with the support I've been receiving in this thread has made things significantly easier to face.

@Mutatio NOmenis, I'm not sure if I'm asexual. I think the whole issue here is around trust and expectations. I remember that cuddling with that said girl certainly felt good, and that's the kind of thing I still crave. What held me from having actual sex was thinking I was going to have sex. That was the source of the sudden impotence.

@Siren, I know I'm not supposed to rush myself. As a matter of fact, I always wanted to be sure I was psychologically stable before connecting with someone on that level. I'm not sure if I have the guts to have my first time just casually - or with a prostitute. But, things like the '40 year old virgin' movie freak the hell out of me. I don't want to see myself as that.

@corgiflatmate & @Silt, It's an interesting suggestion. But the only catch is that I definitely do have a sexual attraction towards others even when I haven't a bond with them. Working on that attraction is what's hard for me. To be honest, sex just tends to get in the way of my relationship with others way too often. I think I'm making a gigantic deal out of it, perhaps because I haven't done it yet.

And I think I don't want to reveal that I haven't had sex to others yet because people will want to act on it - throw girls at me, putting me into a uncomfortable situation. I want to have sex, but I want a controlled experience at first, where I can fully explore this thing. If the first time you rode a bike was downhill at 60mph, you would not want to ride a bike again. I want it to be safe at first, so I can grasp the experience.

@Lloydy, Yes, that would be ideal. But lately, virgins are coming as hard to find as the fucking Waldo. Everyone I come across seems so secure about it that I don't know. I'm hiding things myself, so they may be as well, who knows?

Looking down on what has been discussed so far, I'm pretty sure that my fear seems to come from the fear of expectations and lack of comfort and trust in my relationships so far. I have a solution, which may look obvious, but looks really hard to settle into my mind:

Whenever I'm interacting with a opposite sex person, I have to forget about sex at first. I feel that whenever I'm talking to a girl that has a prospect of being a mate, regardless of the odds of that, I begin to sabotage myself by thinking of the person sexually right of the bat. That makes me freak out and place a lot of expectations on myself.

Heh, I recall that my therapist once told me that I was too worried with expectations that I put on myself that society or anyone has never put into me. It all makes sense now. I mean, what if a given girl won't be the girl i'm going to have sex? No big deal, right? But somehow, I make it a big deal because I feel like I'm failing.

I need to think about it.

Thanks for the responses so far.
 

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Keirsey wrote that NFs generally need a strong emotional bond prior to sex. I don't know you, but you might want to consider if you've had a relationship you felt was deep enough for sex. If thats what you need go find someone to build a deep relationship with.
 

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Suddenly, though, you don't have herpes, Herp.
I'd say that deserves some ironic attention and a round of applause. As stated, a lot of NFs identify with you.
Fight the good fight, Darlin'. Mingle and meet someone who blows you away :).
 

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DisclaimerI have been gathering courage to discuss this for quite a long time now. As an advisory measure, I warn that this may end up in a rant, eventually. I will try not to rant.

Anyway, on the topic.

I'm a healthy, 20 year old male. However, unlike other 20 somethings, I haven't put my penis inside another person yet. Not that I have a problem with being a virgin. Okay, I do, actually. But not because of peer pressure, though.

I feel like, once you reach a certain age, sex becomes part of the daily life. People talk about sex like it was no big deal, and I believe it shouldn't be either. And being a virgin takes a bit from this for me. In a overly exaggerated metaphor, it must feel like discussing shades of red to a colorblind person.

The thing is: I have been with a girl before. We made out and I surely achieved an erection. Great job for my penis. Things got a bit steamy, and when she climbed on me, I just couldn't do it anymore. This frustrating event kept going for as long as she had patience. Eventually it ran out.

Analyzing the situation, I felt like I was terribly afraid of having sex with her. Even though I was in the mindset for it, when things finally came to it, I flinched. I eventually traced that I probably am afraid of sex.

Recently, I got drunk, and a friend questioned why I haven't had any girls so far. I told him I just couldn't do it. He asked me if I had given any thoughts on whether I might be gay, since I couldn't do it with girls, perhaps I was looking into the wrong direction.

And I have given thought about it. But to my utter frustration, I concluded I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it with boys as well. I believe that I may romantically engage any person, regardless of the gender, but I can't have sex with them.

The whole idea of sex is a bit alien to me, and I can picture myself doing. Again, not that I have a repulsion towards it. It's just that I can't do it. The concept of sticking my penis into a hole is completely foreign to me, regardless of the hole.

I want to romantically engage a person - and I believe my inclination is towards heterosexuality - but the role of sex in a relationship makes me extremely conscious about it. I have seen some stuff about people who can only have sex with persons they love. I don't think that would work for me either.

tl;dr I'm a male that don't feel comfortable about putting his penis inside someone. The idea makes me anxious. But I want to romantically engage someone, and my fear of sex is in the way. Even for the sake of having a relationship, I still can't have sex.

I'm looking into help to sort out this mess of my sexuality.
I'm in a very similar situation: I can get an erection, and I do want to have sex, but no matter what, I can't cum, not even from fapping.
 

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Not sure what to say except that worrying about it will only make you more anxious. From your description it sounds like what happened with that girl was a one-time thing, and that she may have been more experienced than you--I'd be nervous, too, if I were you.

If you end up in a relationship that has a chance to progress more slowly and naturally, so that you both know you're on the same page and are ready to move forward, you might start feeling a bit more up for putting your penis inside your partner. Or maybe you won't. There's not really a way of knowing ahead of time, but that's how I became comfortable with the idea. Until recently (I'm 18) I still felt more or less like a 10-year-old in sex ed: "babies are made HOW?"



P.S. The "great job for my penis" really cracked me up.
 
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