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Before I met my boyfriend I didn't know people like him could exist, buying into the typical Type 5 description. I attributed my discomfort with him to his MBTI type until I realized that none of the INTPs I know are quite like him (My INTP best friend was 5w4 sx/sp). Then I started looking into variant stackings and it all made sense. The social and the self-preservation stacking created a very jarring experience for me.
He's "social" in the way that he tries to create connections with many people and quickly describes the relationship as "close". I introduced him to a mutual friend and within a month he was talking about how he knew [my friend] extremely well and that they are "close", when the friend himself says that he does not know my boyfriend very well. He mines for data from people, frequently showing off his knowledge, with his eyes flashing with a mysterious gleam as if to say "I know something you don't... oooo..." He would usually say, "I learned from so and so that... Oh. I know these things extremely well because I have sources". He could prattle on for days about the things he learned about other people, but I'll bet you a million dollars those people don't know very much about him. He says things like: "I know half the campus. I have many, many friends." But I never see him with them and he would be completely mysterious about who his friends are. His other close friend, his roommate, doesn't know who they are either.
Consistent with his secondary self preservation stacking, he tells you absolutely nothing about himself. He won't mind telling you, for instance, how much he loves you or that he things you're absolutely gorgeous, but ask him a little about his family and what is important to him will shut him up real fast. This got to a point where his other close friend and I became quite uncomfortable with how much he knows about us and how little we know about him because my sp/sx nature very much demands a close connection and that I "know" the person in whom I'm investing my emotions; whom they love, what is important to them, etc. He has no trouble talking about objective facts about himself, but when it comes to these things, you won't get a word out of him.
For instance, once he asked me what my parents think about our relationship, and I told him. Then I asked him if his parents knew. He paused for a brief second and concluded: "My parents are irrelevant in our discussion". He would constantly ask about what I would be thinking at that moment: "what are your views on this issue?" But he would be silent when I ask him in return, or give an extremely vague response designed to throw you off. Prior to coming to college, I don't even know whether he had any friends particularly dear to him because he never talks about his personal life. It's like his sexual variant is completely missing. I constantly feel like I'm being mined for information, and he would be unhappy when I mentally kick myself and refuse to respond because I don't feel like there's reciprocity, but any efforts at getting some information out of him has been met with infuriatingly vague responses, to a point where I feel like all he wants to do with me are banter, squeezing every bit of information from me, and kiss me.
I'm starting to appreciate that I know a shit ton about him, relative to other people, and he has confessed to me that he trusts me the most out of anyone in the school, but apparently his best is not good enough because I still feel like I know as much about him as I would a friendly acquaintance. While I like many aspects of our relationship, our comfortable friendship and deeply adore him- I'm even fairly certain he is very committed to the relationship, but there are many instances when I actively considered leaving him.
But of course, I don't want it to come to that. Is there a better way of getting to know him without pressuring him into something he is clearly uncomfortable with?
He's "social" in the way that he tries to create connections with many people and quickly describes the relationship as "close". I introduced him to a mutual friend and within a month he was talking about how he knew [my friend] extremely well and that they are "close", when the friend himself says that he does not know my boyfriend very well. He mines for data from people, frequently showing off his knowledge, with his eyes flashing with a mysterious gleam as if to say "I know something you don't... oooo..." He would usually say, "I learned from so and so that... Oh. I know these things extremely well because I have sources". He could prattle on for days about the things he learned about other people, but I'll bet you a million dollars those people don't know very much about him. He says things like: "I know half the campus. I have many, many friends." But I never see him with them and he would be completely mysterious about who his friends are. His other close friend, his roommate, doesn't know who they are either.
Consistent with his secondary self preservation stacking, he tells you absolutely nothing about himself. He won't mind telling you, for instance, how much he loves you or that he things you're absolutely gorgeous, but ask him a little about his family and what is important to him will shut him up real fast. This got to a point where his other close friend and I became quite uncomfortable with how much he knows about us and how little we know about him because my sp/sx nature very much demands a close connection and that I "know" the person in whom I'm investing my emotions; whom they love, what is important to them, etc. He has no trouble talking about objective facts about himself, but when it comes to these things, you won't get a word out of him.
For instance, once he asked me what my parents think about our relationship, and I told him. Then I asked him if his parents knew. He paused for a brief second and concluded: "My parents are irrelevant in our discussion". He would constantly ask about what I would be thinking at that moment: "what are your views on this issue?" But he would be silent when I ask him in return, or give an extremely vague response designed to throw you off. Prior to coming to college, I don't even know whether he had any friends particularly dear to him because he never talks about his personal life. It's like his sexual variant is completely missing. I constantly feel like I'm being mined for information, and he would be unhappy when I mentally kick myself and refuse to respond because I don't feel like there's reciprocity, but any efforts at getting some information out of him has been met with infuriatingly vague responses, to a point where I feel like all he wants to do with me are banter, squeezing every bit of information from me, and kiss me.
I'm starting to appreciate that I know a shit ton about him, relative to other people, and he has confessed to me that he trusts me the most out of anyone in the school, but apparently his best is not good enough because I still feel like I know as much about him as I would a friendly acquaintance. While I like many aspects of our relationship, our comfortable friendship and deeply adore him- I'm even fairly certain he is very committed to the relationship, but there are many instances when I actively considered leaving him.
But of course, I don't want it to come to that. Is there a better way of getting to know him without pressuring him into something he is clearly uncomfortable with?
