Personality Cafe banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,195 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Before I met my boyfriend I didn't know people like him could exist, buying into the typical Type 5 description. I attributed my discomfort with him to his MBTI type until I realized that none of the INTPs I know are quite like him (My INTP best friend was 5w4 sx/sp). Then I started looking into variant stackings and it all made sense. The social and the self-preservation stacking created a very jarring experience for me.

He's "social" in the way that he tries to create connections with many people and quickly describes the relationship as "close". I introduced him to a mutual friend and within a month he was talking about how he knew [my friend] extremely well and that they are "close", when the friend himself says that he does not know my boyfriend very well. He mines for data from people, frequently showing off his knowledge, with his eyes flashing with a mysterious gleam as if to say "I know something you don't... oooo..." He would usually say, "I learned from so and so that... Oh. I know these things extremely well because I have sources". He could prattle on for days about the things he learned about other people, but I'll bet you a million dollars those people don't know very much about him. He says things like: "I know half the campus. I have many, many friends." But I never see him with them and he would be completely mysterious about who his friends are. His other close friend, his roommate, doesn't know who they are either.

Consistent with his secondary self preservation stacking, he tells you absolutely nothing about himself. He won't mind telling you, for instance, how much he loves you or that he things you're absolutely gorgeous, but ask him a little about his family and what is important to him will shut him up real fast. This got to a point where his other close friend and I became quite uncomfortable with how much he knows about us and how little we know about him because my sp/sx nature very much demands a close connection and that I "know" the person in whom I'm investing my emotions; whom they love, what is important to them, etc. He has no trouble talking about objective facts about himself, but when it comes to these things, you won't get a word out of him.

For instance, once he asked me what my parents think about our relationship, and I told him. Then I asked him if his parents knew. He paused for a brief second and concluded: "My parents are irrelevant in our discussion". He would constantly ask about what I would be thinking at that moment: "what are your views on this issue?" But he would be silent when I ask him in return, or give an extremely vague response designed to throw you off. Prior to coming to college, I don't even know whether he had any friends particularly dear to him because he never talks about his personal life. It's like his sexual variant is completely missing. I constantly feel like I'm being mined for information, and he would be unhappy when I mentally kick myself and refuse to respond because I don't feel like there's reciprocity, but any efforts at getting some information out of him has been met with infuriatingly vague responses, to a point where I feel like all he wants to do with me are banter, squeezing every bit of information from me, and kiss me.

I'm starting to appreciate that I know a shit ton about him, relative to other people, and he has confessed to me that he trusts me the most out of anyone in the school, but apparently his best is not good enough because I still feel like I know as much about him as I would a friendly acquaintance. While I like many aspects of our relationship, our comfortable friendship and deeply adore him- I'm even fairly certain he is very committed to the relationship, but there are many instances when I actively considered leaving him.

But of course, I don't want it to come to that. Is there a better way of getting to know him without pressuring him into something he is clearly uncomfortable with?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,175 Posts
Could you have him read this post? It seems like you feel this is a big piece you want to have in your relationship - and it doesn't sound impossible for him, more that he's afraid or doesn't know how to be more open. This part stuck out for me:

I constantly feel like I'm being mined for information, and he would be unhappy when I mentally kick myself and refuse to respond because I don't feel like there's reciprocity, but any efforts at getting some information out of him has been met with infuriatingly vague responses, to a point where I feel like all he wants to do with me are banter, squeezing every bit of information from me, and kiss me...I still feel like I know as much about him as I would a friendly acquaintance. While I like many aspects of our relationship, our comfortable friendship and deeply adore him- I'm even fairly certain he is very committed to the relationship, but there are many instances when I actively considered leaving him.
Essentially, doesn't seem like you're getting what you need from him right now. Perhaps that's really what he needs to hear. He's going to be the only one who can change the way he responds and reacts in the end though - and it is possible to change those things or move past them, it just takes a lot of self work.

Of course, telling him explicitly what you need may not be enough motivation to make him try to adjust, and that's always the risk. But since you say you've actively considered leaving him...what's to lose?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,195 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Could you have him read this post? It seems like you feel this is a big piece you want to have in your relationship - and it doesn't sound impossible for him, more that he's afraid or doesn't know how to be more open. This part stuck out for me:

Essentially, doesn't seem like you're getting what you need from him right now. Perhaps that's really what he needs to hear. He's going to be the only one who can change the way he responds and reacts in the end though - and it is possible to change those things or move past them, it just takes a lot of self work.
I've chalked it up to time. We've known each other since the September of last year. Even though it's quite a long time to get to know someone, an INTP might take more time. Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm not fooling myself in "waiting" for him to be comfortable enough to share these things with me.

what's to lose?
Brain chemistry. I don't know what else to say. He was also my best friend in college prior to our relationship, and we're compatible in a number of ways. I'm quite smitten with him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,175 Posts
I've chalked it up to time. We've known each other since the September of last year. Even though it's quite a long time to get to know someone, an INTP might take more time. Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm not fooling myself in "waiting" for him to be comfortable enough to share these things with me.

Brain chemistry. I don't know what else to say. He was also my best friend in college prior to our relationship, and we're compatible in a number of ways. I'm quite smitten with him.
Ah, well, that's not a terribly long time either. Has he had other serious relationships?
It may just take some very small steps to get him to open up a little bit more. Does he acknowledge it's an issue, because that's always trickier if you feel there's a problem and he doesn't. How is he in written text? If you haven't already tried it, the time and space to process the questions and feelings may help. I'm a lot more comfortable expressing things in text because I feel like I can have some distance from being the centre of attention. It makes me uncomfortable in particular when people ask me personal questions and look me in the eye - I even still get this way with my partner still. Sometimes I'll laugh uncomfortably or just give a really brief answer to get the attention to go somewhere else.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Before I met my boyfriend I didn't know people like him could exist, buying into the typical Type 5 description. I attributed my discomfort with him to his MBTI type until I realized that none of the INTPs I know are quite like him (My INTP best friend was 5w4 sx/sp). Then I started looking into variant stackings and it all made sense. The social and the self-preservation stacking created a very jarring experience for me.

He's "social" in the way that he tries to create connections with many people and quickly describes the relationship as "close". I introduced him to a mutual friend and within a month he was talking about how he knew [my friend] extremely well and that they are "close", when the friend himself says that he does not know my boyfriend very well. He mines for data from people, frequently showing off his knowledge, with his eyes flashing with a mysterious gleam as if to say "I know something you don't... oooo..." He would usually say, "I learned from so and so that... Oh. I know these things extremely well because I have sources". He could prattle on for days about the things he learned about other people, but I'll bet you a million dollars those people don't know very much about him. He says things like: "I know half the campus. I have many, many friends." But I never see him with them and he would be completely mysterious about who his friends are. His other close friend, his roommate, doesn't know who they are either.

Consistent with his secondary self preservation stacking, he tells you absolutely nothing about himself. He won't mind telling you, for instance, how much he loves you or that he things you're absolutely gorgeous, but ask him a little about his family and what is important to him will shut him up real fast. This got to a point where his other close friend and I became quite uncomfortable with how much he knows about us and how little we know about him because my sp/sx nature very much demands a close connection and that I "know" the person in whom I'm investing my emotions; whom they love, what is important to them, etc. He has no trouble talking about objective facts about himself, but when it comes to these things, you won't get a word out of him.

For instance, once he asked me what my parents think about our relationship, and I told him. Then I asked him if his parents knew. He paused for a brief second and concluded: "My parents are irrelevant in our discussion". He would constantly ask about what I would be thinking at that moment: "what are your views on this issue?" But he would be silent when I ask him in return, or give an extremely vague response designed to throw you off. Prior to coming to college, I don't even know whether he had any friends particularly dear to him because he never talks about his personal life. It's like his sexual variant is completely missing. I constantly feel like I'm being mined for information, and he would be unhappy when I mentally kick myself and refuse to respond because I don't feel like there's reciprocity, but any efforts at getting some information out of him has been met with infuriatingly vague responses, to a point where I feel like all he wants to do with me are banter, squeezing every bit of information from me, and kiss me.

I'm starting to appreciate that I know a shit ton about him, relative to other people, and he has confessed to me that he trusts me the most out of anyone in the school, but apparently his best is not good enough because I still feel like I know as much about him as I would a friendly acquaintance. While I like many aspects of our relationship, our comfortable friendship and deeply adore him- I'm even fairly certain he is very committed to the relationship, but there are many instances when I actively considered leaving him.

But of course, I don't want it to come to that. Is there a better way of getting to know him without pressuring him into something he is clearly uncomfortable with?
As a 5w6 myself, I don’t know where to begin.

First, I have a distinct feeling that posting this issue online instead of addressing it directly would put him off. I am very private, and I don’t like being exposed to the world, especially by a partner I am supposed to be able to trust completely.

Second, in what way does his social life and number of actual friends affect you? Some of us enjoy maintaining a few good friendships, rather than a hundred shallow friendships. Being judgmental about this issue is silly.

Third, maybe you should consider the fact that maybe in time he will continue to share more of himself with you. Obviously, if you are doing things that make him feel as though he can’t trust you or pressuring him, he’ll likely shut down completely. Because that’s exactly what I would do. 😂
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top