Personality Cafe banner

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
417 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Long time no chat, ENFJs and onlookers. It's been a while, so I hope ya'll are doing alright!

I was hoping to get your opinions and insights, because... well, I have a problem that shouldn't seem like a problem at all.

I'm an ENFJ (28-female) dating a male who I've tentatively typed as an ESFP. We were friends for a while before I was single again, and then I realized just how incredible he really was and he told me he liked me and we started dating. Things are going great, and I know he truly cares about me and loves me, too. I certainly see him as someone who I could be with for quite some time. We're both in a place in our lives where we're looking for someone who could be a life-partner, so we're both taking things seriously.

But here's the rub.

He has no... pain. I mean, kill me, right? He's just... whole. He's stable. He's confident, but not cocky. He's comfortable with who he is. He's been hurt in relationships, but he's gotten over them. He's just... okay all by himself. He doesn't need anything from anyone. He's happy on his own, but he's happier with me.

I know what you're thinking. Well, damn, Steph, sounds like you found a real fuckin' keeper. What are you complaining about? He's hot, stable, confident, loves you, and you have really good chemistry.

But my problem is-- I connect to others best through pain.

My last two long term relationships were good relationships, and I was certainly in love before. In those relationships, I did what I did best, and it's something I think a lot of ENFJs do stunningly well-- take away other peoples pain through emotional comfort, shouldering or sharing burdens, and being there for them when the going gets really tough. I also really connect with others through being able to help them reach their goals, and encouraging them to push themselves.

But... but he doesn't have that kind of pain. I'm not saying he's an innocent guy, 'cause he's absolutely not. He just... is so 'okay' with life. He claims he wasn't always this way, and that hiking the PCT in five months really changed him, but for the life of me, I don't know how in the fuck to deal with it. He's not worried about the future, he doesn't have any bad childhood baggage, his family is still together, he doesn't have any medical or mental issues, he's enjoying his life day-by-day without putting pressure on himself to get better-faster-stronger, he's just... he's so fucking 'okay'. And his goals consist of hiking more and buying a home in a few years.

And, ya'll, I'll tell you, I'm over here like, HEY ANXIETY, I'm feeling hella behind and lost in my life, I'm going back to school for another degree but unsure of it and really just want to make a difference and earn a good living and not have to work three jobs, I have a hard time relaxing, I have a mild martyr complex, I'm a writer, emotionally unstable (but not crazy at least), I journal about my problems, and get angry and emotional over things, and he's just cool as a fuckin' cucumber. And he's going to hike without me doing a damn thing to help him anyway.

And I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to feel like I provide value. I mean, yeah, sure, I make him laugh, and we have chemistry, and we love each other, and companionship, and blah-blah-blah, but what is my PURPOSE in the relationship aside from to enjoy it? I need more DEPTH, I need more intimate connection, I need to get down there and scrape through him until I'm cuddled up against the marrow of his bones and understand every bit of who he is from his fears, to his flaws, to the secrets he's never let on. But he claims he just... is who he is, and that he's a simple guy and that's all there is to him.

I'm at a total loss. I don't know what role to play in the relationship, and I need one. I don't know what to do about it.

- - -

TLDR: I'm dating a man that has no emotional pain or baggage for me to help him through in order to connect, and I'm finding it hard to find my role as a value-provider in the relationship aside from just being a loving companion, which you can find in many people. How do you connect the deepest with your significant other, and have you ever been with someone who doesn't have pain? As ENFJs, I feel like we have an intimate relationship with sharing pain (hello, Fe), and not connecting through it is so strange to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,263 Posts
Are you sure you aren't just kind of bored and find him lacking depth? I personally cant handle spmeone whos an emotional wreck...I prefer a partner whos emotionally stable like myself.

I dated an Esfp once and he was fun but only for a while. Deep down I was bored scratching my head like "whats missing?"

Chemistry is huge for me. And there is no formula. Except donuts, those work.
 

·
MOTM Feb 2011
Joined
·
8,078 Posts
Long time no chat, ENFJs and onlookers. It's been a while, so I hope ya'll are doing alright!

I was hoping to get your opinions and insights, because... well, I have a problem that shouldn't seem like a problem at all.

I'm an ENFJ (28-female) dating a male who I've tentatively typed as an ESFP. We were friends for a while before I was single again, and then I realized just how incredible he really was and he told me he liked me and we started dating. Things are going great, and I know he truly cares about me and loves me, too. I certainly see him as someone who I could be with for quite some time. We're both in a place in our lives where we're looking for someone who could be a life-partner, so we're both taking things seriously.

But here's the rub.

He has no... pain. I mean, kill me, right? He's just... whole. He's stable. He's confident, but not cocky. He's comfortable with who he is. He's been hurt in relationships, but he's gotten over them. He's just... okay all by himself. He doesn't need anything from anyone. He's happy on his own, but he's happier with me.

I know what you're thinking. Well, damn, Steph, sounds like you found a real fuckin' keeper. What are you complaining about? He's hot, stable, confident, loves you, and you have really good chemistry.

But my problem is-- I connect to others best through pain.

My last two long term relationships were good relationships, and I was certainly in love before. In those relationships, I did what I did best, and it's something I think a lot of ENFJs do stunningly well-- take away other peoples pain through emotional comfort, shouldering or sharing burdens, and being there for them when the going gets really tough. I also really connect with others through being able to help them reach their goals, and encouraging them to push themselves.

But... but he doesn't have that kind of pain. I'm not saying he's an innocent guy, 'cause he's absolutely not. He just... is so 'okay' with life. He claims he wasn't always this way, and that hiking the PCT in five months really changed him, but for the life of me, I don't know how in the fuck to deal with it. He's not worried about the future, he doesn't have any bad childhood baggage, his family is still together, he doesn't have any medical or mental issues, he's enjoying his life day-by-day without putting pressure on himself to get better-faster-stronger, he's just... he's so fucking 'okay'. And his goals consist of hiking more and buying a home in a few years.

And, ya'll, I'll tell you, I'm over here like, HEY ANXIETY, I'm feeling hella behind and lost in my life, I'm going back to school for another degree but unsure of it and really just want to make a difference and earn a good living and not have to work three jobs, I have a hard time relaxing, I have a mild martyr complex, I'm a writer, emotionally unstable (but not crazy at least), I journal about my problems, and get angry and emotional over things, and he's just cool as a fuckin' cucumber. And he's going to hike without me doing a damn thing to help him anyway.

And I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to feel like I provide value. I mean, yeah, sure, I make him laugh, and we have chemistry, and we love each other, and companionship, and blah-blah-blah, but what is my PURPOSE in the relationship aside from to enjoy it? I need more DEPTH, I need more intimate connection, I need to get down there and scrape through him until I'm cuddled up against the marrow of his bones and understand every bit of who he is from his fears, to his flaws, to the secrets he's never let on. But he claims he just... is who he is, and that he's a simple guy and that's all there is to him.

I'm at a total loss. I don't know what role to play in the relationship, and I need one. I don't know what to do about it.

- - -

TLDR: I'm dating a man that has no emotional pain or baggage for me to help him through in order to connect, and I'm finding it hard to find my role as a value-provider in the relationship aside from just being a loving companion, which you can find in many people. How do you connect the deepest with your significant other, and have you ever been with someone who doesn't have pain? As ENFJs, I feel like we have an intimate relationship with sharing pain (hello, Fe), and not connecting through it is so strange to me.
I think you have been given an opportunity to be very happy and you should stop knitpicking and enjoy it.
I also have found myself helping others through their pain and kind of nurturing them. But, as far as a husband is concerned I wanted and needed someone who is pretty whole and stable. I know I can trust him and rely on him. Like often attracts like, and we both came from a very stable and loving family enviroment. I don't feel like I need to find something to fix in him because the value I add to our relationship is good communication, common sense, loyalty, laughter, fun....
This is a blessing, so don't look for someone to fix. If this seems impossible to you then perhaps you need to get some counselling so that you can be whole enough to enjoy a healthy relationship without looking for things to fix.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
779 Posts
Are you sure you are not overthinking this? Just enjoy the goodness while its good. If you need to connect through other through pain, maybe you should open up to him and let him take care of you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
347 Posts
From recent experience, situations like this force you to focus on yourself, which is foookin’ tough, and sometimes awful, but not wholly terrible in the journey of self-acceptance, self-love, and self-discovery.. There is a lot of depth in pain, but it isn’t the only source of depth. As a couple, you can grow together through experiences, and self-discovery, and discovering what’s good for you and works for you as a couple. It’ll be problematic if you can’t find emotional connection, but that doesn’t need to form and solidify through pain, it can form through perspective and understanding of the world, bonding, etc. good luck! I related to this post in a real way, haha.
 

·
Registered
INFP 4w5 6w7 9w1 so/sp
Joined
·
3,417 Posts
TLDR: I'm dating a man that has no emotional pain or baggage for me to help him through in order to connect, and I'm finding it hard to find my role as a value-provider in the relationship aside from just being a loving companion, which you can find in many people. How do you connect the deepest with your significant other, and have you ever been with someone who doesn't have pain? As ENFJs, I feel like we have an intimate relationship with sharing pain (hello, Fe), and not connecting through it is so strange to me.
Forget about looking and feeling a deep connection. Forget about connecting with someone through pain (stop doing that, don't start a relationship based on that).

Choose the one you are happiest with. You said somewhere he is happier with you. You probably with him too, it seems.

This is healthy, go for it. It might feel different than you original expected, are used to it, but that is exactly what you need.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,238 Posts
And his goals consist of hiking more and buying a home in a few years.
This is where I'd quit. :) Nothing interesting to me in that kind of attitude at all. Too simple. But that's me. I just wonder if your problem is also to do with this.


TLDR: I'm dating a man that has no emotional pain or baggage for me to help him through in order to connect, and I'm finding it hard to find my role as a value-provider in the relationship aside from just being a loving companion, which you can find in many people. How do you connect the deepest with your significant other, and have you ever been with someone who doesn't have pain? As ENFJs, I feel like we have an intimate relationship with sharing pain (hello, Fe), and not connecting through it is so strange to me.
I don't get how one connects through pain. Is that like crying on each other's shoulder? For what purpose? I don't understand how one gets the positivity for a relationship out of dwelling on pain without constructively moving forward instead. Sorry, that's me again. Just wondered how this even works.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
548 Posts
please ignore me but 1)you trying to find a fary tale relationship which is unlickley,2) what you looking for is an infp dude,according myers briggs enfjs and infps make the best match,as infp has a well of emotional depth and pain that will always keep you bussy,its like a drug addict who just fell into an infinite bath of drugs,infps has that emotion that you looking for,
 

·
Spam-I-am
Joined
·
13,657 Posts
Spoken like a true woman
This is the exact reason why I quit dating
Once they find out I’m not broken it frustrates them to no end
Men are not pieces of clay to be molded into your shape
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,949 Posts
So, I'm going to give the unlikely answer, and say that you are on to something.

What you're trying to describe is equality--wavelength--same status.

My friend is getting a PhD, and she finds that she not only has a hard time connecting with people who aren't doing the same, or have already done, but she naturally gravitates toward them. This is has to do with common understanding. Placed to an extreme, someone who dropped out of college dating someone getting their PhD, probably won't have the same things to talk about, a similar enough history to pull from, so on.

Now, we all have certain things that are "important" to us. For her, being able to have engaging, intellectual conversations are top on her list; thus, she will naturally date in her pool. Someone getting their masters is fine, and someone who just graduated phd is fine. Someone who only has a bachelor's, or someone who is a tenured professor with a wealth of information, probably won't attract her.

Pain is another one--however, the word you're probably looking for is life experience. You need someone who shares in the same type of life experience as you. Someone who has gone through things. Grown in a different way. Deep in the realm of pain and life. Someone who is too destroyed, or someone who has lived a perfect painless life, make it hard for your to relate and connect.

So yes, it does make sense. You just need to figure out if that is that thing you really need, or if it's just a side thing. We are all different, and all need different things. The challenge is figuring that need out.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Haruna

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,819 Posts
This is one of the craziest relationship problems I've ever read in my life and I like to trawl forums for relationship related threads.

Are you hoping there's something wrong with him that you can fix? Or maybe a weakness that you can exploit?
I wouldn't think about it that way because that sounds intentionally malicious and not many people are intentionally malicious. It's a very typical feminine trait to want to take care of broken men. It's the nurture compulsion.

Before my wife and I got together, I was very much "broken" like this girl seems to want. However, over time I recognized this. I improved, changed and eventually found ways to fix myself as a person. Our relationship is infinitely better for it because the last time we fought about anything was 4 years ago ---- and we both tremendously enjoy the peace. We've been married for 3 and it feels like we're already one of those aged couples you see who are ultra cute and very well settled emotionally with one another. She helped me. She didn't fix me. I fixed myself.

When I was "broken" and constantly walked around "broken" like this girl wants, I ended up in an 8 year long abusive relationship which was incredibly toxic. Once the divorce was over, I met her here and she and I built ourselves back up - but we didn't fix each other - we fixed ourselves on our own before we decided to start living together. We spent 3 years apart and now completed 3 years together.

Broken men are toxic (so are broken women). They shouldn't start living together until they are actually fixed. Women would do themselves a lot of favors by encouraging broken men to fix themselves instead of trying to fix them.

Spoken like a true woman
This is the exact reason why I quit dating
Once they find out I’m not broken it frustrates them to no end
Men are not pieces of clay to be molded into your shape
Yeah ... I appreciate a lot of what my wife did for me in the earlier part of my relationship and I believe I fulfilled her need to nurture but interestingly that was also the rockiest part of our relationship. We had arguments and fights ... but it wasn't until I removed all the baggage, the pain and the suffering from my life by myself that we had our best years together.

Currently living the dream and I wouldn't change it for the world. Pain and suffering are bad. People who want to take care of those who suffer are broken themselves and instead of fixing themselves they want to fix others because they're afraid to look at themselves.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
50 Posts
A lot of the responses are objecting to the use of the word "pain"; maybe that was an inaccurate way to describe what you're feeling. It sounds to me that what you're looking for is not so much that he's in "pain" but rather that when he does experience pain -- because everyone in life has experienced pain or will, of some type -- he comes to you for help? And you love to be needed on that emotional level? I know that as an INFJ I'm touched and feel valued when someone I'm close to (especially an SO) trusts me enough to confide in me like that. I also feel a deeper connection to them when that happens. Maybe that will happen with this guy as you grow closer?

It could also be more along the lines of what Antipode said -- maybe you need someone who's been through some similar rough life experiences.

Anyway, hang in there! I'd feel similarly if the guy I was dating was too stable (emphasis on *too* stable; stable in general is good). That would just seem weird to me, since I feel so many emotions myself; I'd not understand the guy or not trust him or something (like, is he hiding his feelings? would creep into my head at some point). It's hard to explain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
I recently(not so recently as it is already 4 months now) got engaged to an ENFJ. I don't know him that well as my parents arranged the marriage but I do like him so I am trying my best to talk with him but he seems to be very busy. He is kind and sweet and he isn't extremely reserved but he only replies once a week or even two weeks if I don't take the initiative. I am really bad at not causing trouble in relationships so I am always stressed about hurting him or making him dislike me.

I am blunt.
I dislike lies.
I want to change the world into a better place.
I won't stay down even if the whole world is against me.
I told him these things about myself but now I am feeling horrible as these aren't typical girl traits in my country.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,819 Posts
I recently(not so recently as it is already 4 months now) got engaged to an ENFJ. I don't know him that well as my parents arranged the marriage but I do like him so I am trying my best to talk with him but he seems to be very busy. He is kind and sweet and he isn't extremely reserved but he only replies once a week or even two weeks if I don't take the initiative. I am really bad at not causing trouble in relationships so I am always stressed about hurting him or making him dislike me.

I am blunt.
I dislike lies.
I want to change the world into a better place.
I won't stay down even if the whole world is against me.
I told him these things about myself but now I am feeling horrible as these aren't typical girl traits in my country.
Arranged marriages suck. You're in for the long haul ... Hopefully it'll work out for you because it didn't for me and I am from the part of the world where it's too common for my tastes. Personally, I think it should just be made illegal because 9 out of 10 couples I know that were arranged are in unhappy marriages.

Honestly, i don't want to worry you anymore than you already probably are. Generally I've noticed that the guys (and girls) who are in arranged marriages tend to talk less in particular in my experience is that it's usually because they're hiding something ... slightly better but perhaps they're not genuinely curious about the person they're engaged to.

Or maybe he's just reserved and needs time to come around. That would be the best case scenario here being optimistic.

Sure --- plenty of ways people come up with to try to continue to justify staying rooted together after being chosen by someone else. However, it kinda sounds like you guys are off to a bit of a rocky start. I'm sorry and I do apologise for the sarcasm.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
614 Posts
Fe needs to be needed? Maybe the Fe was so good that he was fixed in just a few days, like so fast it was not noticeable. Maybe the wholeness is derived from the constant contact and being in Fe's presence. Maybe @devsmess is just so good that the effect is not noticeable. Not sure if Te works the same way. Maybe I should find friends that have financial problems and solve them and we can bond that way.
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top