[Melanthe]

I've read posts here before, but never posted. So, hello.

I have had a really difficult time dating, since my 20 year marriage ended. I find plenty of people to date, but... there is always something missing. Usually I feel like they are too much "think inside the box" or they seem to lack an integrity I need in a partner. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me - I must be seeking something impossible to find.

The only times I did develop feelings for a guy, one was so emotionally distant (but a tragic, lost soul, very romantic and brilliant in his work, but so inattentive to me I cried every day), and the other was hiding from me the fact that he was engaged to marry another woman.

I've read "Women Who Love Too Much" and I've examined my own fears about commitment (because at this point, it's pretty clear to me the problem is ME, not the guys - there are nice guys who wanted something serious with me, but I just couldn't manage to keep an attraction for them).

I realize I am attracted to cave man. My gut reaction, my initial response to a man, my sexual interest, is with the guy who is inscrutable, distant, and unpredictable. Maybe because I'm INFJ, and I understand people well enough that I want the challenge of getting to know a man who is more difficult than the average person. Most people bore me, even though I'm a little ashamed to admit that.

The problem is, these men also tend to be a little crazy. And my happiness is never high on their list, at least not the point of making any sort of sacrifice (like actually showing up for a date on Valentine's Day...)

I realize I need something different in order to actually be happy in a relationship.

I finally am getting to know a guy who meets all my basic qualifications. He's smart, funny with the sort of humor I am comfortable with, he "gets" me. He seems dependable, attentive, and generous.

He's emotionally more mature than most men... by far. He's examined himself and his life, and he's a thinker and a feeler. Sometimes, a little too much.

Now, he tells me he is also INFJ.

There was another thread on this topic, and I read through it, but didn't want to post there, as it was a year old. But I'd like your opinions.

Sometimes I think I should just accept the fact that I can't be happy in a relationship, that I need the discordance there, and to not risk hurting this nice man by ending it now.

I would really like some feedback. Thanks.

 

[Shale]

I feel I have finally recognized that over time I have been emotionally traumatized by failing relations where I felt invested, that now I am emotionally detached to just about everything and everyone around me (except for a few family members.) I wonder if it is near to impossible to feel emotionally attached, but it is something I desire and crave in a romantic relationship. Due to this fear that it won't work, or that I grow bored, or that he doesn't meet my expectation ... I naturally create that buffer. I only mention this b/c your post resonates with me in my experience.

Emotional attachment: Try to define it for yourself. Ask yourself if it is something that can exist or exists in a relationship with ABC. I think and INFJ/INFJ relationship would be optimal for both. I don't know any other MBTI type, but another INFJ, who easily understands our need for constant solitude. If he's an INFJ, express your fears with him ... I think you will find that he understands. Give it time and patience and watch your heart open to him. Good luck!!

 

[The Proof]

I must be seeking something impossible to find.

no, it's just that most men suck golf balls and INFJs often don't give guys a chance, not even a damn walk in the park before making up their minds that the guy isn't worth it

 

[arishorts]

accept that people aren't perfect. life's a bungie jump like that sometimes.

 

[Captain]

I've read posts here before, but never posted. So, hello.

I have had a really difficult time dating, since my 20 year marriage ended. I find plenty of people to date, but... there is always something missing. Usually I feel like they are too much "think inside the box" or they seem to lack an integrity I need in a partner. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me - I must be seeking something impossible to find.

The only times I did develop feelings for a guy, one was so emotionally distant (but a tragic, lost soul, very romantic and brilliant in his work, but so inattentive to me I cried every day), and the other was hiding from me the fact that he was engaged to marry another woman.

I've read "Women Who Love Too Much" and I've examined my own fears about commitment (because at this point, it's pretty clear to me the problem is ME, not the guys - there are nice guys who wanted something serious with me, but I just couldn't manage to keep an attraction for them).

I realize I am attracted to cave man. My gut reaction, my initial response to a man, my sexual interest, is with the guy who is inscrutable, distant, and unpredictable. Maybe because I'm INFJ, and I understand people well enough that I want the challenge of getting to know a man who is more difficult than the average person. Most people bore me, even though I'm a little ashamed to admit that.

The problem is, these men also tend to be a little crazy. And my happiness is never high on their list, at least not the point of making any sort of sacrifice (like actually showing up for a date on Valentine's Day...)

I realize I need something different in order to actually be happy in a relationship.

I finally am getting to know a guy who meets all my basic qualifications. He's smart, funny with the sort of humor I am comfortable with, he "gets" me. He seems dependable, attentive, and generous.

He's emotionally more mature than most men... by far. He's examined himself and his life, and he's a thinker and a feeler. Sometimes, a little too much.

Now, he tells me he is also INFJ.

There was another thread on this topic, and I read through it, but didn't want to post there, as it was a year old. But I'd like your opinions.

Sometimes I think I should just accept the fact that I can't be happy in a relationship, that I need the discordance there, and to not risk hurting this nice man by ending it now.

I would really like some feedback. Thanks.

I'm a little confused about what you're saying. Are you saying the INFJ is too nice, and you're afraid he won't have enough mysterious issues for you to figure out?

I may be way off base, so I apologize if I am, but could it be something like, you need a tough, distant guy so you can conquer the challenge of figuring him out or changing him so he turns his attention to you?

Like, if a guy is screwed up and doesn't give a damn about anyone, and you make him give a damn about you, only then do you feel really loved? And maybe you need the cycle to keep going in a relationship? Win his affection, let him pull away, win his affection, etc?

How long have you been seeing the current guy? If it's early on, and still a friendship, why not tell him all of this? Figuring it all out with the guy you like might lead to something pretty good.

I stayed up late and my brain is foggy, so I probably missed the boat on this. If so, sorry.

 

[Melanthe]

Captain, I'm afraid you hit the nail on the head. I realize how fucked up this is, which is why I'm trying to change it.

I had a 3 year torturous on and off long distance relationship with a guy that made me crazy. I believe he loved me, but he's bipolar and naturally very selfish to boot. He gave me lots to obsess over and worry about. Would go a month without contacting me, then would do something like give me his rosary or tell me that I knew the taste of his soul... part of me wonders if that's all I really want - something tumultuous and intense - but part of me is tired of waking up alone, and wants someone who is THERE for me in my difficult moments.

With the guy I'm talking to now, it's very early. We haven't met in person yet, but have had a lot of long phone calls and lots of daily emails and texts. Maybe too much. We'll probably have a face to face meeting in a few weeks.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

 

[Captain]

Captain, I'm afraid you hit the nail on the head. I realize how fucked up this is, which is why I'm trying to change it.

I had a 3 year torturous on and off long distance relationship with a guy that made me crazy. I believe he loved me, but he's bipolar and naturally very selfish to boot. He gave me lots to obsess over and worry about. Would go a month without contacting me, then would do something like give me his rosary or tell me that I knew the taste of his soul... part of me wonders if that's all I really want - something tumultuous and intense - but part of me is tired of waking up alone, and wants someone who is THERE for me in my difficult moments.

With the guy I'm talking to now, it's very early. We haven't met in person yet, but have had a lot of long phone calls and lots of daily emails and texts. Maybe too much. We'll probably have a face to face meeting in a few weeks.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

I am the same way to an extent. My wife is very loving, no matter what, to the point where I feel like I need to cause trouble just so I can fix it and there'll be a "reason" for her to love me. I think some of us have a place inside ourselves we're trying to fill, and we put the burden of filling it on others. We've all got issues in one way or another. You're not alone, so never be afraid to come on here and ask questions or vent.