Personality Cafe banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Well... he had floppy wrists. My friend bent over with laughter. She had just asked me how my date last night went with this great, intelligent, interesting, cute, kind souled guy. Ya know, I know he was straight, but he moved his hands like a very dainty lady. I was totally the 'dude'. We were drinking tea and I swear, he was a knitted scarf away from pointing his pinky out when he sipped. This had been my luck lately, la lack of de spark. Though, I would NEVER not date a guy over something as silly as floppy wrists, it was a clue to something much bigger during the date, zero chemistry. But how can this be? He is one of many intelligent, interesting, funny, cute, sweet guys whom I have met, shared a conversation or coffee with, to only find out an hour later that we have less sparks than a wet match. Thus, I began a small quest about what a spark is, why I need it (maybe more than other types?) and why, possibly, in this moment in life I can't find it.

I had stopped listening to what he was saying, which was unusual. I could listen to his voice and stories all day, preferably for the rest of my life. Odd for me to think that, but he's the only guy I've ever said something so bold about. My mind drifted to images of him and me. Mentally, I had pushed the table out of the way, grabbed his skinny tie towards me and started kissing him on the verge of violence. If you're having a hard time imagining what that looks like, imagine that his lips are the only source of oxygen I have, and that I'm under water, like a mile down.... so if I stopped, I'd drown. Something vaguely like that. Yeah. The spark. That little cheeky bastard. As an ENFP, I can explain the spark as a feeling, it is something that is felt. It is an essence, je ne sais quoi, an undefinable, yet tangible something. I know when I do feel it, like above with that ENFJ. I am struggling to find an understandable way to articulate it. Perhaps it is a mixture of a really great conversation, a familiar feeling of an old friend, with a thirsty desire for physical contact. It combines all those elements, yet they are not enough; always wanting more. I am curious as to what "the spark" feels like to other types and how it happens for them?

I told my wise like an owl INFJ sister of my problems with my sparkless dates. She leaned against a wicker chair, tasting the air with her spidey sensy introverted intuition, and explained that she has noticed that "not feeling it" on dates has been a problem for other ENFJ's and ENFP's that she has observed. Perhaps it is because they are such creatures of passion, she mused. Other types who are much more practactly minded, or who are afraid of disappointing someone might be more okay without a spark and able to make it work through other avenues. But maybe for ENFP's and their strong need for authenticity, they could never "force" something that wasn't already there because it would be not genuine. Wise owl. I think she's onto something. I would feel ungenuine if the connection wasn't strong enough to pull me to them. I'm such a free bird, and to give up all my options for one guy when I am SO passionate about so many things is asking a lot for anyone but the best. I would never, ever want to intentionally hurt someone by making them think I am more into them then I am. And in the long term, if they're not the best for me, then I am not the best for them. Damn, she's good...

So why haven't I been able to spark with anyone in a while? Now, of course, I know there are several answers to this maybe it's just not the right time, you're not ready for him and he's not ready for you etc. and though I believe those explanations have merit, I also feel as if there is something else hidden deep down that is responsible for my luck laster. Hmmmm. Him. Why yes, of course. His spark was so bright that everyone else pales in comparison. Ah, the truth, I alas, am not over Mr. Wonderful, the ENFJ who is unrequited, forced apart by circumstances to become an elipses. He and I could ignite a whole forrest with our sparks. Evidently, it is not just any spark that I am wanting to feel, but rather, his spark. And nothing else, as of now, will suffice. Please don't misunderstand me, I am no fool. I do not imply that I'll never feel the flames of passion again, I will and it will be spectacular. But I guess I am grieving the loss of his brilliant, beautiful and unique spark that ignited something in me that I've never felt before. I need to be patient with myself. Then, when I feel the time is right, I will thank God for letting me see his flame and then tuck it deep into my soul, grateful for its warmth, and continue the search for someone who's spark will glow so bright, and deep, and magnificently that it will never go out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Oh man, your sister is SO on the money. This whole post is, actually. I feel like I could have written parts of it. I don't have much to add right now, actually. It's just given me lots to think through, so thank you. We'll all find that Genuine Spark eventually (hopefully). <3
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,412 Posts
Charlie!
I'm in a similar place, consolidating memories of my Ms. Wonderful INFJ, but I don't quite know what my relationship with this idea of the spark is.

Mostly, I know flat out that it's pretty futile to hunt for the spark at this moment in my life. I'm broke and I no longer live near any people my age. If the spark hit me now, it'd be quite annoying.

Then there's the deal breaker. I just don't feel like I need the spark again. (Notice I'm not saying that I won't get it again. That would be false modesty.) After all, 5 years on from the first of those sparking kisses with her, I still remember everything I felt. Her grin's still burnt into my eyelids as if I had stared at the sun for too long. Heck, I can even reminisce with her at the drop of an e-mail. Does it make sense why I wouldn't be motivated to hunt for the spark with that behind me?

That said, that's no reason for you to not go out chasing sparks. Maybe that's just how it would go if you too happened to catch that spark and hold on to it for 3-and-a-half years before said spark landed the job-of-a-lifetime 3,500 km away in another country. :laughing:

:laughing: That's what this post needs, more laughing-emoticons. :laughing: I mean, if you take a step back, this whole spark affair of ours looks pretty funny. :laughing: No? :laughing:
 
  • Like
Reactions: CharlieENFP

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
You know what's really sad? I have the spark. I have it! Just with someone who doesn't get "sparky". I wish he would spark me back. He loves me, he says, but I've never experienced him expressing it the same way that I do, and to be balls-to-the-wall honest for a minute.... I might need that. I might need someone who gets sparky like I do.

Still, I go out for dinner... coffee... movies, whatever... with people. Just to see. And there's never any sparks. No one else quite captures my interest. It's disappointing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
81 Posts
I'm an INTJ and I definitely feel the spark.

I can't date someone who I don't feel it with. I won't be able to point my finger at exactly what is wrong but I just don't have anywhere near the energy I do with it. Usually I get stuck thinking about them for a period of time, not really making any moves, and eventually they move on to someone else. That or I have to do the whole rejection thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,990 Posts
I was totally the 'dude'.
THAT is the problem

you couldn't trust his masculine enough so that you could relax and be feminine

few girls wants to be with a guy who is more girly than them

there's nothing wrong with you, you just need more manly men, so that you can be feminine without fear of judgement or hurting his feelings or whatever girly stuff

when two people are in their masculine, or in their feminine there can be no attraction

polarity creates attraction

now, did I just hit the nail on the head with this post?
omg *rolleyes* I totally did :laughing:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,627 Posts
This is SO ridiculously true.

For me, I find it usually takes over physically. Like there is nothing I would rather do than just jump on them and rip off all their clothes, to the point where it aches to think about it, but at the same time, it's not purely a lust-driven thing -- it's sparked by my attraction to them mentally and emotionally. Really don't know how to explain it but usually I experience it with INTJ's.
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top