Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 43 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Every time I've tried dating (online) I find myself "seeing" multiple people because it takes time to know someone. I think maybe it's because I'm older, but I don't have time to date one person at a time like years before. That and emotionally the strategic theory is that I won't get caught up by anyone if I'm open to getting to know more than one.

So it goes like this, lots and lots and lots of first dates that's evolved to really, first "meet ups" which are coffees, lunches or a quick drink after work kinda thing. Super casual so there's no time wasted and chemistry (attraction) is established or not. After that, if there's mutual interest, there's a first date, maybe a second and so on. Subsequent dates are activities or dinner or whatever constitutes as a good date for the parties involved.


Currently one guy I'm seeing evolved into a comfortable thing where neither of us feel intense about the other but attraction is there and we seem to be comfortable with each other. So it's like I guess what you call "short term dating" (?). Another guy I've been seeing, we've gone out on 3 dates and today he sends me a mini diatribe about how he only focuses on one person at a time etc. And... That's when things get weird.


In the past, I've focused on one person at a time when it was very clear the other person was doing the same at that time, and the chemistry was through the roof. (this is not the case with this person and I can't imagine him thinking so). I just don't know, I'm so much better and more comfortable dating. Which is all the more reason why I don't want to be in a rush to settle on anyone, especially if I'm not having strong feelings. I want to take my time, enjoy my work and live my life. I want to take my time getting to know people. I'm not in a rush to have someone inject themselves into my life as an important (to me) character.


So what do I say? I responded kindly, that I was happy getting to know them. I did not match them in sentiment that they're the only one I'm focusing on. It's just weird. I don't know what to say. What's right for one is not right for another so I don't feel right telling him I think it's best to date multiple people. I also don't feel like saying something that's not true. I do like them and I am enjoying getting to know them.


But I want to be respectful of the other person's time. In the past when I've focused on only one person, I knew the other party was matching that and down the line when they no longer felt that, I wished they had been honest! So I guess I don't want to be like that. The difference is I'm not in a similar situation where it's clear both parties are crazy for each other. Actually, he doesn't even seem crazy for me. I think he just doesn't like dating and he's only been single for a year since his divorce. What do I say?




Do you prefer dating multiple people at once or one person at a time? (why or why not)


How do you clarify to the people you are seeing your preference of dating style?


Most people seem to be doing what I'm doing. it's not like much happens with a date but 2-4 hours of some dinner, concert, movie, etc. Intention to get to know the other person. Is it really that serious?


Do you think dating style and preferences change depending on age or type?

One person I'm seeing is about 5 years younger, while another is 6 years older. I feel like there's no consistent pattern and maybe it's more about type. The people who strike me as Fi users, seem to not be as into circular dating (minus the esfp I'm seeing).


Curious what other people's opinions and / or experiences are. :kitteh:




PERTAINING TO IN PERSON ONLY.
LONG DISTANCE AND ONLINE IS AN ENTIRE DIFFERENT MIND FUCK BALLGAME. :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,706 Posts
I was nay but now am more of a yey xD
I do have a problem with definitions and expectations stemming from them. It takes quite some time for me to get comfortable with someone and knowing something can get out of it in the long run. I feel it is less efficient focusing on one person at a time.
I do tend to be honest about it because otherwise the drama levels are too damn high xD
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,437 Posts
Go for it, but with caution. When I'm dating, I will definitely go on multiple dates with different people at first. But I can usually tell if I have a spark with someone on the first date, almost always by the second. I don't normally waste my time just having fun with casual dates if I don't think they're going anywhere, but that might be partly because I love sex, so that would just end in me having sex with multiple people. I've done that before in the past and it's exhausting to keep up with.

So I guess my thing would be that I wouldn't bother being exclusive with someone unless I saw a future with them. If that guy who sent you a message about exclusivity isn't already making you feel that spark, do you really think it would be worth it to even date him at all? Then you'd just be trapped in a monogamous relationship that you someday will have to end, and you won't be able to look for someone you are compatible with. Seems silly to me.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,255 Posts
Do you prefer dating multiple people at once or one person at a time? (why or why not)
How do you clarify to the people you are seeing your preference of dating style?
Most people seem to be doing what I'm doing. it's not like much happens with a date but 2-4 hours of some dinner, concert, movie, etc. Intention to get to know the other person. Is it really that serious?
Do you think dating style and preferences change depending on age or type?
No. I don't have the emotional energy to see more than one person at a time. I am also rarely attracted to anyone so to meet more than 1 person at a time would be like a rift has occurred in the time space continuum.

We don't have 'dating culture' in my country like in the US. People just hang out until they decide to have sex and then decide to be a couple. That dating stuff you do over there seems stupidly complicated and only serves to get in the way of human to human relations as far as I can tell. I've never known anyone to see more than 1 person at a time, and if they did admit so, it would kill my attraction to them. I couldn't be bothered with it.

Mine dating style hasn't changed. I am now mid 40's, I still do it one at a time. I'm a one on one person, always have been and always will be. Never understood this idea of people shopping by hanging out with as many people as possible and then picking one. No thanks, sounds like hard work.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Multiple dates? Yeh. Multiple girlfriends/boyfriends? Nay.
Multiple dates. Not multiple boyfriends. I'm not emotionally attached to someone after one or two dates no matter how much I'm crushing on them. I certainly don't think it's morally apprehensive. Some of the responses in this thread, the verbiage. Geez. I guess my question was lost as well. Which was how do you tell someone tactfully that you don't want to be exclusive just yet. It's a moot point now but really, I'm surprised at the responses. I hardly think I'm the minority with dating multiple people when you're single.
 
  • Like
Reactions: WamphyriThrall

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
No. I don't have the emotional energy to see more than one person at a time. I am also rarely attracted to anyone so to meet more than 1 person at a time would be like a rift has occurred in the time space continuum.

We don't have 'dating culture' in my country like in the US. People just hang out until they decide to have sex and then decide to be a couple. That dating stuff you do over there seems stupidly complicated and only serves to get in the way of human to human relations as far as I can tell. I've never known anyone to see more than 1 person at a time, and if they did admit so, it would kill my attraction to them. I couldn't be bothered with it.

Mine dating style hasn't changed. I am now mid 40's, I still do it one at a time. I'm a one on one person, always have been and always will be. Never understood this idea of people shopping by hanging out with as many people as possible and then picking one. No thanks, sounds like hard work.
I don't judge your country for "hanging" out till you decide to have sex. Please don't be so harsh in judgement of other cultures. It's not appreciated. Thanks. If you must, so be it. I'm just responding. Not debating.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,549 Posts
I guess if you go on dates with a lot of different people, you have a better chance of finding one you click with, but to me, that approach just sounds exhausting. I usually only feel anything resembling attraction for one person at a time, and if anyone else shows romantic interest in me, I find it annoying. I am up for making new friends, but even trying to get to know a ton of new friends at a time sounds tiring. If I do go out with people other than the one I'm interested in, it has to be very clear that there's no possibility of romance. I prefer to focus on one person romantically and a small group of people as friends. Maybe it means I have less of a chance of finding a relationship, but it's better than not getting enough alone time and feeling crabby as a result.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,255 Posts
I don't judge your country for "hanging" out till you decide to have sex. Please don't be so harsh in judgement of other cultures. It's not appreciated. Thanks. If you must, so be it. I'm just responding. Not debating.
That's cool. Didn't intend to sound judgemental, but then I'm often unaware of my tone. Thanks for pointing it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,735 Posts
Multiple dates. Not multiple boyfriends. I'm not emotionally attached to someone after one or two dates no matter how much I'm crushing on them. I certainly don't think it's morally apprehensive. Some of the responses in this thread, the verbiage. Geez. I guess my question was lost as well. Which was how do you tell someone tactfully that you don't want to be exclusive just yet. It's a moot point now but really, I'm surprised at the responses. I hardly think I'm the minority with dating multiple people when you're single.
;).
 
  • Like
Reactions: petite libellule

·
Huggable Meepster ^__^
Joined
·
5,900 Posts
What do I say?
Well, I suppose I really can't tell you what to say (you know the situation best and you have to follow what you think is right and best), but I can tell you what I think I would say.

I'd be honest and say that I'm not ready to settle down just yet, that I'm still trying to get to know people and that I am enjoying my current situation for now. I may also say, that I don't feel a strong connection just yet (or if I did not think I would ever feel that connection, then I would say that). I think being honest is the best policy here because you need to be on the same page as they are choosing to date you just as much as you are choosing to date them and I think it is important that you two are on the same page.

Do you prefer dating multiple people at once or one person at a time? (why or why not)
Well, I'm not really dating atm, so take it with a grain of salt, but I have a heartfelt complicated long distance relationship with someone who has my heart and I have hers, but the distance is long, we are not in a relationship, and I am having fun flirting (getting to know others and learning about myself as I learn about others), so know I suppose you could say more than one, but, when I was younger, I prefered just one person at a time as I tend to bond quickly to people (I still do, but I know longer feel I need to be with them romantically, I'm more thankful that they are my friends and enjoy any type of intimacy we experience and try to treasure it/appreciate it, even though it won't last. That said, I do hope to stay friends with them)

How do you clarify to the people you are seeing your preference of dating style?
Well I'm a flirt, but if I think someone may like me or that I may be leading someone one, or if some sort of intimacy may happen, then I'm honest and I just saw that I am not looking for a long term romantic relationship and that they won't get one from me. I'm just looking for friendship and more casual intimacy and if they want more, then I'm not worth waiting for because I can not give more (and I'm unwilling to give more). But if they are fine with all that, then I will continue to be a tease and flirt :kitteh:

Do you think dating style and preferences change depending on age or type?
I think I had a more ridged idea of what dating and love should be when I was younger, but now I feel like there is no one right way to date (as long as you are honest, open, and consensual) and I feel like love (such as friendship love) is all around us and that it can be fun and that it is okay to express our connection and however we would like and create new connections however we would like to. So I think age can have at least a little to do with it, especially as someone's world views over dating, romance, sex, and/or love changes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
Over the years started believing there are levels of friendship and dating that allow or actually mean "you should" get to know several people at times (like an option, not as a modus vivendi). Tried... didn't like it. Depending on the culture (and I hate this) some people expect that just for dating you are already exclusive in many ways, in some almost like a husband... so much its laughable and kinda manipulative in both genders.

Dating multiple at once? I wouldn't try that again and IF... that should happen would be eliminating options quickly, very-quickly but I certainly doubt it, it's draining. I have enough mental and emotional energy to deal with diff people at once (as in deep friendships) but NOT dating.

Once, years ago, got tired of taking so much time to get to know one person at a time so then... I decided to try. To me, in my culture, in my country, in my reality and regarding our social rituals... in latin america... it was stupid, boring, draining and very expensive. And each person wanted me exclusively, it didn't last long, and no it did not involved sex. I actually discussed this with a close friend (female) and in her case the same scenario meant lots of good things, but for men it wasn't a nice scenario.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
123 Posts
Every time I've tried dating (online) I find myself "seeing" multiple people because it takes time to know someone.
My first thought: 'Do you want to get yourself killed?!'
Then I read it.
I would never do it because it takes a lot before someone can be in a romantic relationship with me.

My advice: explain it to the people you're "dating" including reasons. Let them know you're taking them seriously. If people say we are done; those are usually the keepers in my opinion 'cause usually it means they're "all-in" to focus on one person.
Is what I'm saying making sense?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,180 Posts
When I was still in the game I dated multiple people at once. It's the only way for online dating to be effective. IRL you would be seeing people in a more natural setting where you could get to know them without the formality of a date. With online, you need to stage meetings (dates) to simulate that "getting to know you" environment.

Some people were okay with it, some people weren't. Opposite to @penguin.ink for me, if someone said we were done, it was an obvious sign they weren't a keeper anyway. Anyone who wants to be monogamous at that stage of the game falls into the way too serious, way too quickly category. Potentially also falling into the desperate, needy, "holy shit, I fear this person might be a bunny boiler" categories.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
467 Posts
Multiple dates I guess, actually dating more than one at a time is not going to work out well. Unless the people know up front. I know what you mean about having multiple people you talk to ONLINE. some might fall into friend category, or comfortable, or common interests etc. But once one of the escalates to dating it is a good idea to let the rest know. As a guy i'd run from some one who is always tentatively trying people out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,421 Posts
I hate juggling.

I find it hard to personally me myself be authentic when relating in a juggling.

That's just me to each their own.

I am not saying I get serious with every person I go on a date with (lol yeah right I haven't had a serious relationship in a while). But its that I need the one on one thing personally to evaluate the situation. I can barely manage emotional effort with exploring one person at a time as far as the contact and communication involved a few at once omg I think I would go nutz. I mean theres a certain level of maintaining interaction in itself dating a bit, multiple people sounds like a giant PRing chore. I can only manage one person at a time myself. If I could even say I manage one well (questionable lol).

I honestly was asking a friend who will date a few at once how she can stand it. As far as spreading self thin.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,898 Posts
Do you prefer dating multiple people at once or one person at a time? (why or why not)

One at a time but then I've been with the same person for the last 10 years . It takes a lot for me to actually feel attraction or chemistry with somebody - so when i do it usually develop into a relationship - but what do I know I've been with the same person since my late teens


How do you clarify to the people you are seeing your preference of dating style?

I let them know I'm interested - they can choose to ask and I'll answer . I don't really talk about what I want in relationship unless asked




Do you think dating style and preferences change depending on age or type?

Definitely - when younger i prefer people around my age now I find older men more intriguing , as for dating style I don't think I'm as bubbly or outgoing as I was when younger







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
  • Like
Reactions: petite libellule

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,420 Posts
Maybe don't call it dating, just be friends? nothing wrong with having lots of friends at once (then you can see if they are the kind of person you even want to have a relationship with). Probably a good idea to tell them earlier on that you are interested in them. Sorry, this is kinda confusing, lol.

I am on a few online dating sites. At the end of last year, I was talking to someone I really liked, then other people kept sending me emails and trying to date me. I really liked the first person I talked to, so I wasn't really interested in talking to the other people, and I thought I would get confused trying to remember things about multiple people. I ended up just talking to him.

Online dating experts say you should leave a space of 24 hours between every time you contact someone online. Maybe that could help dating multiple people? you could also tell the person in advance that you will be dating multiple people until you are ready to go exclusive with one person.
 

·
Lotus Jester
Joined
·
8,877 Posts
I think it should depend on how you feel about the person - whether or not you feel that chemistry right away with someone or don't. The guy who berated you - after only three dates - sounds like a control freak/clinger anyway; so you're better off. Just so long as you're honest with the guys and vice-versa; I don't se any problem with it and I think it makes a lot of sense. Me personally, once I feel a really strong connection with someone; I prefer it one on one but until that point, the more the merrier, as far as I'm concerned.
 
1 - 20 of 43 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top