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Don't know if I should do this. I really like this guy as a person and, I know this sounds weird, but I like what he says after a couple of drinks. He's also super consistent and has a pretty selfless attitude toward people.

I'm split about this. I wouldn't waste his time dating, unless I was very sure that it was a good idea. We talk to each other every day on the phone, as well as chat. Usually, they're at least 1-2 hour long conversations.

We have really in-depth conversations and also joke around really well. If he was a female, this would be the kind of friend where we'd live at each other's houses. Just based on who he is alone, we have really great fremistry.

He doesn't want to create something if it's not going to work out, but after two glasses or so of wine, he tells me all of these sweet things about myself. That's really his nature.

Twenty years is a big gap. We've talked about this before, he agrees. We went on like one date, and it got a lot of negative attention. I notice that if you date someone more than around ten years older than you, people tend to look down on that and ask you if they're your dad. There's also aging to think about. The women in my family don't hit menopause until they're in their sixties or so.

If he were younger, I'd date him. Boom, no questions asked. He's so awesome that he would still continue being my friend 110%, even without the prospect of dating. Mmm, I dunno...
 

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I dont get why age matter,s if the two of you are hitting it off.

The only reason I think it matters, is because it matters to you. So there for its an issue.

Just a suggestion dont look at other peoples reactions. I have dated 20+ I guess I didnt notice any sort of huge deal in reactions.

If you two have a great connection I guess I would say thats worth investigating a bit more.
 

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Many people go through life without ever finding true love or a soulmate. So if you find one, don't assume it will happen again. I've dated girls 15-18 yrs younger, women generally age faster so when you're both older the age diff won't be noticeable. Normally, if I can get past their mom, it's smooth sailing:tongue:
 

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I don't know where you live and what the people are like there, but personally, I don't think someone 20 years your senior is that big of a deal.

Presently, I'd really like to go on a date with someone who's nearly 3 decades older than me (would look more like 5 decades to others, due to my looking so young). If I got the chance, I know it wouldn't be a problem for me in the least bit. I wouldn't pass up such a rare connection, such as yours. And like another poster mentioned, you can't really count on that coming by again; life is short indeed.
 

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Don't know if I should do this. I really like this guy as a person and, I know this sounds weird, but I like what he says after a couple of drinks.

.....

He doesn't want to create something if it's not going to work out, but after two glasses or so of wine, he tells me all of these sweet things about myself. That's really his nature.

...

Listen to what he DOES. Watch what he says.


Why do you like him aside from the ego strokes?


The age is a moot point.
 

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Any two mature adults can have a healthy and happy relationship. Don't sweat what others may or may not think about you if what you have is loving and caring and makes you as a couple truly happy.

I dated an older man and the only people who judged were clueless younger men who thought they were more entitled to a younger woman.
 

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Don't know if I should do this. I really like this guy as a person and, I know this sounds weird, but I like what he says after a couple of drinks. He's also super consistent and has a pretty selfless attitude toward people.

I'm split about this. I wouldn't waste his time dating, unless I was very sure that it was a good idea. We talk to each other every day on the phone, as well as chat. Usually, they're at least 1-2 hour long conversations.

We have really in-depth conversations and also joke around really well. If he was a female, this would be the kind of friend where we'd live at each other's houses. Just based on who he is alone, we have really great fremistry.

He doesn't want to create something if it's not going to work out, but after two glasses or so of wine, he tells me all of these sweet things about myself. That's really his nature.

Twenty years is a big gap. We've talked about this before, he agrees. We went on like one date, and it got a lot of negative attention. I notice that if you date someone more than around ten years older than you, people tend to look down on that and ask you if they're your dad. There's also aging to think about. The women in my family don't hit menopause until they're in their sixties or so.

If he were younger, I'd date him. Boom, no questions asked. He's so awesome that he would still continue being my friend 110%, even without the prospect of dating. Mmm, I dunno...
The most significant relationship of my life was with someone +15 years older than me.

We were together for over a decade and honestly the only times it really came up was when other people expressed shock re: the age gap.

Occasionally we didn't know the same pop culture information but for the most part we did. When we didn't, we enjoyed exposing each other to new things.

In the important things like values, respect, life concepts, honest communication, sexual ideals etcetera we were completely compatible. If you are getting the impression that he values you and would treat you kindly, this is too rare of a connection to dismiss based on a superficial consideration.

Two serious aspects: Future family considerations as you mentioned. Is he "done" with having a family or not interested in having more children? You need to know how you feel about this area.

Secondly, longevity. My love died unexpectedly. But, reality is that the older partner will likely die first. That being said, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat despite the heartache. The profound love and it's memory outweighs the grief.
 

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Who gives a fuck what others think? It doesn't concern them! I see no problem go for it :)
He might end up being a really meaningful or positive relationship; why miss your chance?
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
These were some really sweet messages! They've definitely given me a new perspective. Right now, my friend needs some down-time. He recently broke it off with a woman who was draining and needy, and that was a bad situation for him, because he's more of a giver. I also don't know that he wants to do a long-distance relationship. I guess you never know. I just really want him to end up with someone who will treat him well and build him up. He's a really good guy. :)
 

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Honestly speaking, love is stupid and has no boundaries. If you find someone who loves you back just as much and treasures you, treats you the way you think you deserve to be...why let them go? Ignore remarks from those hesitant, sure they may have been hurt or won't encourage but you need to trust yourself and embark on your own journey...remember, happiness is key and having someone you enjoy.
 

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My only reservation in doing that would be considering what happens when you get older, specifically when he gets to the age of needing a carer, do you want to be playing nurse maid at 40 with your geriatric SO? But if you're currently a long way off that, sure go for it.
 

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Wow sounds like you really like each other, but I know "what people think" is harder for some people than others...it can be a struggle, there are people who even hide a partner with a significant age difference, just like an obese or same sex partner, like they are really overcome by the shame of loving someone different, like they imagine one day they'll just straighten up and meet a presentable social ideal?

There are ways to work around that, like keeping it casual for whatever length of time you need, just because you like someone doesn't mean you have to get married or have a commitment of any kind.

I think you are right to be concerned about aging, but what if by fearing that you are throwing away a great five, ten or fifteen years with him, you could just as easily not spend the rest of your life with someone your own age for other reasons.
 

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My only reservation in doing that would be considering what happens when you get older, specifically when he gets to the age of needing a carer, do you want to be playing nurse maid at 40 with your geriatric SO? But if you're currently a long way off that, sure go for it.
Not to be rude, but most sixty year olds don't need a carer. Especially now days. My grandfather was young and strong at sixty, and my mother is looking like she's going to be that way too.

However, when my grandfather was in his late seventies he declined quickly, and there was an issue with his wife, who was twenty two years younger, after nearly two decades of marriage. She's kind of a bitch though, so I am not sure that's not just about her (lack of) character. My mom and uncle ended up caring for him between about 78-80, when he died.
 

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Many people go through life without ever finding true love or a soulmate. So if you find one, don't assume it will happen again. I've dated girls 15-18 yrs younger, women generally age faster so when you're both older the age diff won't be noticeable. Normally, if I can get past their mom, it's smooth sailing:tongue:
I haven't noticed that women age faster. What a strange thing to say.
 

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Not to be rude, but most sixty year olds don't need a carer. Especially now days. My grandfather was young and strong at sixty, and my mother is looking like she's going to be that way too.

However, when my grandfather was in his late seventies he declined quickly, and there was an issue with his wife, who was twenty two years younger, after nearly two decades of marriage. She's kind of a bitch though, so I am not sure that's not just about her (lack of) character. My mom and uncle ended up caring for him between about 78-80, when he died.
Well sure. But after watching many retirees move into my local area and one of the pair typically become an invalid at around 65, it's just a practical aspect of being in a relationship with someone decades older than yourself. Not such a concern when both partners are a ways off that (who can really tell how long any relationship will last?) but if I was considering the prospect for myself at my current stage in life, it would be a consideration for sure.
 

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Well sure. But after watching many retirees move into my local area and one of the pair typically become an invalid at around 65, it's just a practical aspect of being in a relationship with someone decades older than yourself. Not such a concern when both partners are a ways off that (who can really tell how long any relationship will last?) but if I was considering the prospect for myself at my current stage in life, it would be a consideration for sure.
Oh I agree. Some people give up and get old when it could actually be prevented. But someone can also die young or in middle age, for example the decision to marry a soldier or police officer, or someone getting cancer....all that being said, I still understand and thought about how hard it may have been for my grandfather's wife to see him suddenly get old. I just don't think it was right because their marriage was a long one, and my grandfather cared for my grandmother who died of cancer when she was younger than his last wife was when he was extremely elderly. I personally would have concerns about much older men having erectile dysfunction, though I may not care when I go through menopause, at my age it's out of the question.
 

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I'm not sure how successful a long-term relationship with someone twenty years my senior would be, especially considering I'm still in my twenties, and male-female dynamics seem pretty split on the issue. It doesn't mean it couldn't work out, and how would you know if you never tried? A few people have proven others wrong.

What I'd watch out for are generational differences, position in life and the goals that come with them, financial situations.
 
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