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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I picked my partner out in my early/mid-ish twenties and he is 6 years older than I am. I really wanted to find someone similar in age because I'd like to die around the same time as my partner. It was something I sort of settled on though with him because other guys my age were immature twerps at the time.

Fast forward 7 years later and I was thinking about our age difference and how it affects how we interact with each others. Sometimes he can come off as strangely parental. It can be useful and helpful. Although sometimes it's annoying. When I moved out to live with him he already knew all the ins and outs of adulting. I sometimes get mini-lectures that give me flashbacks of my mom. He handles our finances for us (makes sense because he is an accountant). He makes more money than I do and spends more money on us (which makes sense). It's attractive but also makes me feel less important. I know I should be grateful he is making my life easier.

I still think dating someone the same age as you is the ideal situation if you are both mature. I'm not really looking for advice as much as just wondering how you guys feel.
 

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I would casual date someone older but not steady date anyone with a big age gap. I'm still in my early twenties, so I don't feel comfortable dating much older men. I'd only get serious with someone around my age or a few years (1 to 4 years, probably) of difference.

I think when you're older (30-ish or more) it's okay to date someone with a big age gap (7, 8+), you're both mature and understand your own selves better. While I'm on the younger side, I notice the distinctions between someone from another generation and me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I would casual date someone older but not steady date anyone with a big age gap. I'm still in my early twenties, so I don't feel comfortable dating much older men. I'd only get serious with someone around my age or a few years (1 to 4 years, probably) of difference.
I really do understand that. I was very close to breaking it off with him when I found out how old he was. I'm glad I didn't but if I had known from the start we might not have dated.
 

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Well I'm incompatible with the vast majority of women, regardless of age. So I don't believe in being picky about age and limiting my options even more. I'm 43, and to me an acceptable age for myself is 25-63. That is 20 years older than me, and almost 20 years younger. But I make the younger limit 25 instead of 23 because people's brains aren't apparently fully developed until age 25. I had only one girlfriend so far, and she was 20 years older than me. Do you seriously think I should've been picky about age, and not had my ONLY girlfriend EVER so far? Screw that shit! I'm glad I have my memories of her!
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well I'm incompatible with the vast majority of women, regardless of age. So I don't believe in being picky about age and limiting my options even more. I'm 43, and to me an acceptable age for myself is 25-63. That is 20 years older than me, and almost 20 years younger. But I make the younger limit 25 instead of 23 because people's brains aren't apparently fully developed until age 25. I had only one girlfriend so far, and she was 20 years older than me. Do you seriously think I should've been picky about age, and not had my ONLY girlfriend EVER so far? Screw that shit! I'm glad I have my memories of her!
I can understand changing up your criteria if you not getting any bites. To me that it being realistic and I have a lot of respect for that. At the time though I had lots of bites. How was your relationship with a woman 20 years older? Do you think the age gap ever mattered?
 

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One of my exes was 14 years older than me, and I was always sort of bothered by the idea that I he would die before me, likely--but I think moreso bothered that I doubt he really cared since he didn't seem to care much about me as a person, beyond what I contributed or gave to him in the moment. Like he clearly wanted someone to take care of him (and I think that's partly why he valued me, because I'm actually a pretty caring and empathetic person), but he didn't seem to ever think about what would happen to that person later.

Ideally, I would rather date someone my own age. When I was younger I didn't really relate to people my age though, and tended to prefer friends who were older--perhaps my interests tended to match older people more, or I felt I could learn from them. I haven't noticed the same thing now that I am older (late thirties).

I do think that anyone over the age of 25 should not assume that a person under that age is in the same stage of development, since the brain doesn't mature until 25-30? So I find the men who are in their thirties and open to dating early twenties girls kind of ew. I do think people should consider, if they are saying they're into a life partner, that having a big age gap means one partner will probably be left alone. Of course when people really care about each other they can find solutions for that. I don't think that 6 years is a big age gap, at least not after you're 25.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I agree every year that goes by it does seem like the age gap becomes less significant. I think it's sort of an ego problem for me because sometimes I want to be the top banana. He always just had it more together and got to take the lead. They say that what attracts you to your partner bothers you later.
 

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This should be in the relationships thread.

I'll produce a better comment giving you advice when I am done studying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
This should be in the relationships thread.

I'll produce a better comment giving you advice when I am done studying.
I would like to know opinions/expierences of people dating people older than themselves in relation to their mbti type.
 

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People tend to be against large age gaps since there is an assumption on their part about how the dynamic is or will involve, which I won't get into, but 6 years is not a large gap really at all IMO. The more important thing is compatibility of personalities involved. If you know how to communicate about the issues directly with one another, I'm quite certain things will resolve themselves.
 

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How was your relationship with a woman 20 years older? Do you think the age gap ever mattered?
Well, she was a great lady. She was an INFJ 9w1, which I guess are known for having just unreal intuition abilities with particularly that specific type combination. Its true shit in my experience! Like I can remember we were texting each other once, and something made me laugh. I gave absolutely no indication in text that I was laughing, and we were about 180 miles away from each other, but she then texted me "Stop laughing! I see nothing funny about this!".

But she was great. She was very compassionate. She had a great sense of humor. We loved much of the same music, and had similar politics and spirituality.

But unfortunately we never really progressed past ldr. But I did meet her in person once for about 3 days, and we bonded well in that 3 days.

As far as the age "issue", I think it bothered her a little, but it didn't bother me really.
 
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6 years is nothing.

But I have some shared concerns here (and this is something of a thread hijack but meh, it loosely relates to your own situation so might be of interest).

I'm 33 and have started very slowly getting to know someone who is 22, so that's an 11 year gap, and my mind is in an absolute frenzy about it. The largest age gap I have ever had is about 2 years.

She has specifically told me she prefers older guys (her last relationship was a 14 year gap), so I think the problem I'm feeling here is entirely in my head, and is nothing but basic prejudice. I feel like the fact that it's an issue for me means I should already end things because I "obviously don't like her", but it sits in the same realm as "I can't date this person because of XYZ social prejudices that I cannot get over" (akin to racial prejudice, religious prejudice, etc), so I am the one with the problem, and if I end things because she's too young I'm only infantilising her, and I am the one in the wrong. So I'm letting things slow-burn for now, and actually it's working. I'm liking her more.

Also, the concern for me isn't that I could die earlier than her (lol). My concern is that we're at different stages in our lives and so could naturally drift apart.

On the plus side, it's making me take everything with extreme caution. Everything is going very slowly between us and it feels kind of wholesome in a way. We aren't even in a relationship yet, but we both know what's up, since we met via Bumble. (Yes I know if I met her on Bumble it means I set my age range to "quite young", but it's always been more of an ego thing than a reality thing. I've matched with quite a few women who I considered to be too young, but could see clearly the age gap was stupid and just took it as an ego boost. I'm sure a lot of guys do that. But this time it feels different). We've been hanging out tons just as friends, really getting to know each other and build a dynamic. I'm really enjoying it actually. My previous romantic efforts in recent times happened way too fast, i.e. we became partners before even knowing how truly compatible we were (which is interesting in itself - it seems 'mature' older people are just as capable of rushing into romance in the way one would accuse a 'naive young person' of doing).

So anyway, yeah, age gaps. Almost every day I have to fight with a subtle urge to end things because she's too young, but that mindset is entirely prejudicial. To end things with someone for something as immutable as age, when she has specifically told me she's fine with it, is just not fair. So fuck it, YOLO, let's see how things go.

PS, it's said that "half your age plus 7" is a reasonable age gap. Personally I'm out of that rule by 1 year, hence the discomfort.

Here endeth my ramblings about age gaps.
 

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None of us know when we're going to die.

A woman assuming that someone her age will like her isn't a given unless she is in her early 20s.
 

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I picked my partner out in my early/mid-ish twenties and he is 6 years older than I am. I really wanted to find someone similar in age because I'd like to die around the same time as my partner. It was something I sort of settled on though with him because other guys my age were immature twerps at the time.

Fast forward 7 years later and I was thinking about our age difference and how it affects how we interact with each others. Sometimes he can come off as strangely parental. It can be useful and helpful. Although sometimes it's annoying. When I moved out to live with him he already knew all the ins and outs of adulting. I sometimes get mini-lectures that give me flashbacks of my mom. He handles our finances for us (makes sense because he is an accountant). He makes more money than I do and spends more money on us (which makes sense). It's attractive but also makes me feel less important. I know I should be grateful he is making my life easier.

I still think dating someone the same age as you is the ideal situation if you are both mature. I'm not really looking for advice as much as just wondering how you guys feel.
Assuming someone's maturity level based on age is not the most accurate way, plenty of older people that have the same maturity as a child.
Most of the time if your partner is coming off as strangely parental, its usually coz you don't seem all that responsible/competent in your own life so your partner felt the need to step in and help.
With my Ex GF #2, I was not parental towards her by any means coz she had her shit together, in fact she was more parental towards me coz she was kinda motherly in nature but in a nice caring way not in an overly controlling and obnoxious way. But with my ex gf #3 I had to be "parental" towards her coz she didn't have her life together to the same extent, she was actually quite behind and not the best with money, setting future goals, having the best direction in life etc... Ended up feeling like her father tbh and ended it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
Assuming someone's maturity level based on age is not the most accurate way, plenty of older people that have the same maturity as a child.
Most of the time if your partner is coming off as strangely parental, its usually coz you don't seem all that responsible/competent in your own life so your partner felt the need to step in and help.
With my Ex GF #2, I was not parental towards her by any means coz she had her shit together, in fact she was more parental towards me coz she was kinda motherly in nature but in a nice caring way not in an overly controlling and obnoxious way. But with my ex gf #3 I had to be "parental" towards her coz she didn't have her life together to the same extent, she was actually quite behind and not the best with money, setting future goals, having the best direction in life etc... Ended up feeling like her father tbh and ended it.
I appreciate your perspective but I don't find our situations similar. I have finished school/ have a steady job in career/ and have enough money. This might just come down to what you see as parental behavior vs what I do. For me it's more of a vibe that he think he knows best vs him telling me to do any particular thing.
 

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I really do understand that. I was very close to breaking it off with him when I found out how old he was. I'm glad I didn't but if I had known from the start we might not have dated.
Well, I'm glad it's working out for you, then! That's awesome. I would totally cut it off right on the beginning.
 

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I picked my partner out in my early/mid-ish twenties and he is 6 years older than I am. I really wanted to find someone similar in age because I'd like to die around the same time as my partner. It was something I sort of settled on though with him because other guys my age were immature twerps at the time.

Fast forward 7 years later and I was thinking about our age difference and how it affects how we interact with each others. Sometimes he can come off as strangely parental. It can be useful and helpful. Although sometimes it's annoying. When I moved out to live with him he already knew all the ins and outs of adulting. I sometimes get mini-lectures that give me flashbacks of my mom. He handles our finances for us (makes sense because he is an accountant). He makes more money than I do and spends more money on us (which makes sense). It's attractive but also makes me feel less important. I know I should be grateful he is making my life easier.

I still think dating someone the same age as you is the ideal situation if you are both mature. I'm not really looking for advice as much as just wondering how you guys feel.
Age is a small factor in relationships. My partners have been from 17 years older to 29 years younger. I think coming off as parental is something other than age difference. The most parental behaving ex toward me was younger than I am. It was mostly due to being in an ESTJ and ENTP relationship. She saw me as less organized than she was and gave me lectures about how to organize better. Neither of my most extreme age difference partnerships had any parent child dynamic.

As for me, I don't think I come across as parental. I value my independence and the independence of my partners. If you don't like the parent/child dynamic of this relationship, express your boundaries and tell your partner how you feel. Work on this together. If things don't change for the better, find a more compatible partner.
 
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