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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
oooh, I'm so happy I have found enneagrams. I know we would be over otherwise. Our story in short. We met about 8 months ago. We have fallen apart twice because of his typical 5 detachment and my (type 6) neediness and uncertainty. He is very scared because his ex-girlfriend was very jealous and did not give him any space. Jealous of his children and his phone and his time. He saw the same in me and pulled back just to protect himself. The feelings were always still there and now we are on our third venture and taking it slower than you could imagine.

I am the one who initiates all of our dates. He is very rational and he gets distant when we are not together. Only text messages. We enjoy each other's company but we don't see each other much. I am not in a hurry but I do get very insecure when our schedules don't match and we have to go too long without seeing each other.

Once he opened up in a message to me saying he doesn't know if he can ever be a good boyfriend to anybody because of his fears of the past and he'd like to tell me about it. He said he hopes he can overcome his fears and we can be together for a long time. That was a lot to say from him but when we met I did not want to ask more. I fear that I say the wrong thing and scare him away even more.

The enneagrams have really helped me to understand him and myself so much better and also understand why our path has been so rocky. I think we are on the right track this time and I am very patient with him. That is the way to go with a five, isn't it? Any insights & experience in similar situation?
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Can someone type five comment on this? We have met walking about once a week this fall but when I asked him to come over twice now and there was some more intimacy going on (no sex) he has started avoiding (feels like that to me, a type 6) and won't find time for new dates. His actions show he has feelings for me. We agreed to go to movies or meet up again soon but when we are apart with text messaging, he is so distant. I ask him when is good to meet and suggest some dates. He says sounds good and he will come back and then nothing... he has other commitments. I know partly it is true, I know what is going on in his life but not finding time ever... last time this happened I told him that's it. I can't wait forever because I feel he is not letting me in his life. But now since I know him better and he's told me about his fears and I know he is a five, I'm not ready to walk away so quickly. He's given me little hints here and there about our future but is he just afraid of facing his feelings? Do you recommend I give him time? For me this is so difficult to deal with when I like this guy so much and my insecurities step in.
 

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I am not a 5 however I recommend spac. 6's like space, optimal distanc eof knowing someone is there but not neing engulfed by them.

I would try to have one, not two or three or ten conversations with him and tell him briefly how you feel and what you want.

A) Ex-girlfriend is a red flag. Are they their kids? That part is not clear. If the kids are the ex's u will always have to deal with that. If they are not, this ex needs to be long gone out of the way. If ex has no kids and is still around, I would leave immediately. Ex needs to be gone.

B) You initiate all the time. He needs to initiate more. The answer is to not initiate and wait for him to do it. If he does not do it, a gazillion other people will. He has it easy peasy right now. You initiate and do everything.

C) When you back off and give space, the other person does one of two things. Either they come looking for you, miss you etc...or they don't. You have to not be afraid of second one. Lots of fish in the sea. You make way too many excuses for this person b cause you are wanting it to work and hoping for it to work. You are idealizing someone instead of objectively looking at the situation based on actions.

Make it clear u like him, and want to continue, but make it also clear he must initiate more, and he needs to clear up the ex girlfriend thing to make it more comfy for you.

I have met some good bad indifferent 5's and other types in this situation. Worst case is they do not do anything and stay the same, and at that point you walk away, no texts, calls, nothing.

Develop your self esteem more, stay busy with other things and this other person won't have as much power over your feelings.

Dating is always 50/50 if u are a 5 or any other type.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Haa, I found this old thread. The relationship is still going on but not without some issues, at least from my side. Recently I have figured that I am more likely a 9 and not a six.
We never broke up but he was giving the cold shoulder or so it felt like, heavy withdraw and I backed up completely. For a month or two we had almost no contact before he started reconnecting as he realized that I am reacting to his behavior.

We started seeing each other again since the feelings and attraction is very strong. But I feel so vulnerable with him for that same reason. I am so afraid of losing him when he pulls back or disappears to his world. Together we are always so compatible and have a lot to talk about, great chemistry and sex. He seems so laid back and does not ever talk about his feelings. He still does not initiate any dates, he rather always negates my suggestions first. Our dates are great but I can feel after a while he seems restless and wants to go. It is not that he only wants sex but sex has become increasingly important part of every date. But probably that is normal :)

Another issue is I know as a 5 he needs lots of space and that is fine. But the way I've read about type fives is very true for him, he compartmentalizes people and parts of his life and he is very responsible that adds to it. He has a busy school schedule (we are in our 40's but he is back to school now). Also he has two preteen kids that spend a lot of time with him. Then there is me. These things do not overlap. I have hinted what if I came to visit when his kids are there (note that we have known each other over a year). He doesn't seem to be open to that and I do not know how much I can push him.

I miss him terribly I have my own life and my kids but omg I feel so clingy and needy for him at times. I am afraid to bring my thoughts out to the open. What if he doesn't like what I have to say and will throw me away? This is crazy I know. I pick apart all of his words and messages and try to analyze him. It's driving me crazy. I guess I am afraid of getting hurt but I am also afraid to say anything. His actions speak that he cares but I stay doubtful since he doesn't express his feelings like I do. It must be partly my low self esteem from past experiences. In many areas I feel I am much stronger that before but with him, no.

Looking at the old message. Ex is not an issue.
 

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Hi sixhere,
could you elaborate on what attracts you to a guy like this and keeps you interested? As a type 5 with reserved tendencies I have often found it difficult to get females interested for long, and society's typical dating advice to become an "assertive alpha male" doesn't help boost 5s confidence much either.
Your story might give 5s more confidence in themselves and their potential appeal. :cool:

Wish I could give you advice on how to deal with your particular 5, but if I was him I would communicate more than what it sounds like he does. Then again, I haven't been damaged from a controlling ex. I think knowing that he is a 5 has put you on the right track to keep up the relationship though.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks ShadowPrince. For sure knowing that he is type 5 has been my lifeline. Our beginning was very shaky when he pulled back and left me clueless figuring out what the he** he wants if anything. By now all of my friends think I am just incredibly patient with him. I happen to think he is worth it & without even acknowledging it he has taught me many things about myself.

I have often wondered myself where exactly his appeal lies...
I don't know if this helps you, it is very subjective :)

- he is very cute
- masculine body type and looks - there is some alpha male in him...
- chemistry was really electric from the first moment on
- his odor :)
- sort of innocence and sensitivity which is often hidden buy I have seen flashes of it
- he is a committed and responsible parent
- he is financially well off
- very smart and wise, educated
- generally a good man, does not smoke & drink, party
- very modest
- great sense of humor
- his boyish ways
- his "clumsiness" in close relationships
- very independent and laid back
- he has some fear issues when it comes to relationships, that raises my motherly instinct
- he has a way with words, short to the point but also funny and thoughtful
- we are very much compatible
- we have similar past, have traveled a lot in youth and your adult life
- we both enjoy nature very much
- I can see how he is looking for a connection and a person to trust
- probably the attraction is partly the fact he sort of plays hard to get and challenges me (just being a type 5). This both fascinates & terrifies me

Would be nice to hear from other (women) who have fallen for type 5 guys.
Do you recognize similar traits?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Well maybe you already figured out that I am not American so probably we have different views on prosperity.
I simply mean that he lives a comfortable life with a nice house. He is very careful on where he spends his money. He is an engineer but now studying further.
Imagine on our dates I can't remember that we ever spent any money! We always go out to nature or meet at his place or mine! Does that sound more like a 5? :)
 

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@sixhere

Something that helps me and my partner (as long as we're not mistyped, we're both 5s) is if we schedule time to spend together. At this point, I don't even know if we'd talk outside of kid related stuff if we didn't do that and he and I share a house and two children (we've been together for ??? 15 years or so).

When he and I were dating, we basically had to be forced together through our friends. Also, our friends knew we were dating before we did. We bonded over playing scrabble together online. That way, we were both doing something fulfilling and we also had the option of chatting at the same time. It was nice because we didn't have to be in person to interact when we did that. However, scheduling time together and having it be routine, too, was something that really helped. Also, could the two of you join a group together? Like a book club through your library? Sharing a hobby can also help. For example, there's a documentary club at the library that meets once a week to watch a documentary together. That's something I could see me and my partner going to if we didn't have kids.

On a hunch, the bit about the money put the thought in my head that he might be a 5 with a dominant sp instinct. To learn more about this subtype, a quick Google search should bring some information up. Just take everything with a grain of salt. It might help to further personalize.

Bottom line: set scheduled times to interact and keep boundaries (ex: We talk at least X times a week). That should help both of you know what the other expects. Plus, if you work on these sorts of terms together, you both can learn more about what the other wants.
 
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Discussion Starter #11
Thanks @brightflashes
He is most deninately SP dominant and I would say the same about myself. Home, work, simple life, scarcity. His kids are important. When would you expect him to let me in to his life, to get to know his kids? We have both briefly seen each others kids but not really been introduced.
I have told him he is a mystery. One day he is very keen on conversations and other times he disappears and I don't get messages back and he doesn't return my calls. Our dates are often short it's something he has scheduled to fulfill in his day and then he goes back to his cave. We've never spent more than a few hours together at a time and no real talk about the future. Now over a year to this I think it is time for the future talk soon. Just need to find the right time.

He is what I read and hear about a very typical 5w6 with SP instinct.

What I have also noticed in his behavior. I can see that he enjoys my company but after a while he has this urge to leave. It's like we are going too deep and intense for him and he has to get out. It comes so sudden sometimes and I don't know if it is fear or what. Is it the detachment, looking from the outside and not really tuning in to us. It is like he is there but at the same time he is not. Is it just fiveness or is it fear or am I making it all up? It adds to his mysteriousness. Fives...
 

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Discussion Starter #12
So our story goes on. I confronted him and said I want to see him more often. He pulled on his armor and said something about his kids and studies and then said he would like to keep seeing me but if I need more he will have to let me go... I was not mentally prepared for it. I wanted to talk. So I basically collected myself and said okay we will not keep in touch any more and left. That was soon 3 months ago.

Now we are back sending messages and I asked him if we really gave up. He said we can meet up. But we haven't yet.

Do you see any hope for us? I want to give him his space as long as I know he is there and he is mine. He has let me in so far in his life that I can see it moving forward but oh so slowly. I know I need to be patient with him but it's so hard. Any words of couragement?
 
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