Deal Breakers
So I recently went on a first date with a guy I thought I'd really like. We had fun, but there were a few things that made me very sure I don't want to date him. My deal breakers were that he smoked pot (which isn't really a big deal but I get the sense that he does it a LOT), and that he's not particularly smart. Also, I don't think I'm really the kind of person to give people chances, since I generally trust my judgement.
Is it normal for me to be setting expectations like this on a first date? Am I going to end up alone?
Is it normal for me to be setting expectations like this on a first date? Am I going to end up alone?
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I'm a guy and I think the same way. My dad was a drinker and smoker (seriously) and I can't date someone who smokes or drinks, I'm really healthy, sport guy, etc. All my endurance and stamina test come out in very good numbers so it makes sense, why getting together with someone so opposite? I don't do drugs.
A lot of people can tell you diff things but I agree with your judgement. Hey, I'm alone but I'm a loner, I enjoy it and it's on purpose, it takes a lot for me to get into a relationship. BUT coming back to the main topic: as I got older a lot of people told me to IGNORE this and that, because I was being too demanding.
Surprise, all of them are now married, including my sister and now they tell me how right I was giving certain "small things" the right proportion looking into the future.
I can't stand people who won't take their medicines when they are sick, I had a serious relationship where I had to took care of her and she didn't help. Life is too short for that, I agree on investing lots of attention and energy on taking care of a child, but not an adult, not in that way, I could be having fun with someone in better ways than walking a path to disaster.
A lot of people can tell you diff things but I agree with your judgement. Hey, I'm alone but I'm a loner, I enjoy it and it's on purpose, it takes a lot for me to get into a relationship. BUT coming back to the main topic: as I got older a lot of people told me to IGNORE this and that, because I was being too demanding.
Surprise, all of them are now married, including my sister and now they tell me how right I was giving certain "small things" the right proportion looking into the future.
I can't stand people who won't take their medicines when they are sick, I had a serious relationship where I had to took care of her and she didn't help. Life is too short for that, I agree on investing lots of attention and energy on taking care of a child, but not an adult, not in that way, I could be having fun with someone in better ways than walking a path to disaster.
it don't matter whether you have high expectations or not. If you lower them, the you may in fact give a chance to the wrong guy and all hell breaks loose. If you set it ridiculously high, then you could be missing out on a great guy. So, my thing would be to go based upon connection, not flaws. Everyone has flaws...
Glad to see I'm not alone on this. My best friend has been giving me a hard time about not giving him a chance, but I really shouldn't listen to her since she smokes pot too 
My dad has smoked for years (pot and cigarettes) and it's probably one of the biggest reasons that my parent's marriage broke up. Deep down, I really don't agree with all of it, and I know that I would never be happy with someone who disagreed on something so personal. Honestly, I'm still young, so why the hell should I make allowances?
My dad has smoked for years (pot and cigarettes) and it's probably one of the biggest reasons that my parent's marriage broke up. Deep down, I really don't agree with all of it, and I know that I would never be happy with someone who disagreed on something so personal. Honestly, I'm still young, so why the hell should I make allowances?
Course. Everyone has their own principles. I wouldn't date anyone who smoked pot, got drunk, did drugs, any of that stuff. Doesn't make you or I a bad person, it's just what we do or don't want to be around. Nothing wrong with that, and there's nothing wrong with other people doing those things and being around people who share that.
it sounds like its--as you said--a personal thing to do with your past. i would just think about it, and make sure that you're not conflating a subjective experience with your current one (as in, make sure that you're not transplanting aspects of the past into the here and now that don't technically exist, and are only held together by someone's "hobby").
you said you had fun... giving it a second shot wouldn't necessarily hurt anything, even if it's only to have another fun moment. it's not like going on a second date obligates you towards anything else. who knows, you may even have your view of this person changed (i only say this because of the first line of this paragraph--that you enjoyed spending time with him... who knows what may come of it).
as far as pot goes: there is a lot of stigma surrounding it. some people have negative experiences with others who already have issues, and allow pot/other things to become a crutch, a dullness that allows them feed even further into their own problems--something that stands in the place of where their motivation should be... but that's not always the case (just saying). a teacher i used to have smokes quite a bit--anywhere from one to two ounces a month--and she has a doctorate, is highly active, and is a really great teacher (constantly winning awards and what not).
the guy isn't what actually seems important here--but your perception, the "why's" behind it, and how closely those align with reality are important (in what you're currently thinking about).
you said you had fun... giving it a second shot wouldn't necessarily hurt anything, even if it's only to have another fun moment. it's not like going on a second date obligates you towards anything else. who knows, you may even have your view of this person changed (i only say this because of the first line of this paragraph--that you enjoyed spending time with him... who knows what may come of it
).as far as pot goes: there is a lot of stigma surrounding it. some people have negative experiences with others who already have issues, and allow pot/other things to become a crutch, a dullness that allows them feed even further into their own problems--something that stands in the place of where their motivation should be... but that's not always the case (just saying). a teacher i used to have smokes quite a bit--anywhere from one to two ounces a month--and she has a doctorate, is highly active, and is a really great teacher (constantly winning awards and what not).
the guy isn't what actually seems important here--but your perception, the "why's" behind it, and how closely those align with reality are important (in what you're currently thinking about).
Though it was fun, I can honestly say that I wasn't attracted to him. And this doesn't mean he wasn't an attractive person (he was quite average), especially cause I've been pretty attracted to some big nerds. I just felt nothing when I looked for him. I felt less sexual tension than I would with a cousin (which is bad to admit but come on they make movies about it).
Also, it wasn't just that he smoked pot. Apparently he'd gotten into quite a bit of trouble with his school (skipping, poor grades, probably drugs) and is now at the "bad" high school. He doesn't really seem to have a plan in life and seemed very surprised when I told him that I never intended to smoke pot and wasn't into sneaking out or acting out in general. In all, I'm not really into the "bad boy" thing.
Though the pot is probably a personal thing for me, I think I'd still disagree no matter what. I don't really agree with drugs, or smoking, or heavy drinking.
Also, it wasn't just that he smoked pot. Apparently he'd gotten into quite a bit of trouble with his school (skipping, poor grades, probably drugs) and is now at the "bad" high school. He doesn't really seem to have a plan in life and seemed very surprised when I told him that I never intended to smoke pot and wasn't into sneaking out or acting out in general. In all, I'm not really into the "bad boy" thing.
Though the pot is probably a personal thing for me, I think I'd still disagree no matter what. I don't really agree with drugs, or smoking, or heavy drinking.
It depends if you are using your expectations as a shield to avoid actual commitment.
Sounds to me as if you have good values. At least, they seem to match my own (biased as I am).
If you don't want it in your life, don't date it. If it's not your scene, don't date it.
Simple, sensible, and don't listen to people who try to tell you differently. Their values are not yours.
In fact if they like it, they can date it. Offer to point your pot-smoking female friend this guy's way.
(I'm a little surprised that you're friends with the pot-smoking girl. It doesn't seem as if you would normally consider that type of person to be much in the way of a friend...judgemental shit that I am.)
If you don't want it in your life, don't date it. If it's not your scene, don't date it.
Simple, sensible, and don't listen to people who try to tell you differently. Their values are not yours.
In fact if they like it, they can date it. Offer to point your pot-smoking female friend this guy's way.
(I'm a little surprised that you're friends with the pot-smoking girl. It doesn't seem as if you would normally consider that type of person to be much in the way of a friend...judgemental shit that I am.)
I think you should have some expectations and standards when dating. I wouldn't want to be with someone that used drugs or smoked(I have asthma so that's a definite deal breaker for me).
So a setting a few standards is a good idea, as long as you don't make a ridiculously long list with all sorts of deal breakers like some does.
So a setting a few standards is a good idea, as long as you don't make a ridiculously long list with all sorts of deal breakers like some does.
The most horrid thing that modern society attempts to force down our throat,
Is that we must somehow compromise on some key areas for someone else,
I say that is a load of bull and needs to be changed to "Compromise with the little things, not the big ones",
You have high standards,
As long as you yourself reach them,
And you uphold them with integrity it's alright to have them.
It's only an issue when you don't meet your own standards or if your standards are abusive to anyone that you may enter into a relationship with!
I personally am a little picky,
And I don't apologize for it,
I commit for the long haul,
And to commit means I need to know the person is compatible for me!
So no,
you won't end up alone
Is that we must somehow compromise on some key areas for someone else,
I say that is a load of bull and needs to be changed to "Compromise with the little things, not the big ones",
You have high standards,
As long as you yourself reach them,
And you uphold them with integrity it's alright to have them.
It's only an issue when you don't meet your own standards or if your standards are abusive to anyone that you may enter into a relationship with!
I personally am a little picky,
And I don't apologize for it,
I commit for the long haul,
And to commit means I need to know the person is compatible for me!
So no,
you won't end up alone
Trust me - don't compromise your values for a relationship. It WILL bite you in the end.
I just permanently ended a 6 yr on/off relationship that should never have started (we have vastly different values and I accepted a lot of traits I normally would not, and they ended up driving me crazy).
I just permanently ended a 6 yr on/off relationship that should never have started (we have vastly different values and I accepted a lot of traits I normally would not, and they ended up driving me crazy).
When I think of pot, I think "like alcohol" in that I apply the same rules to a pot smoker as I do to a drinker. I.E. not every day in large amounts, not before driving, etc.
Personally, I don't think you can date someone you
A) want to change
or
B) does something you really disagree with.
It will only fester and build up contempt for that person.
It's why I'd never date someone that used any kind of drugs.
I just wouldn't be compatible with them.
A) want to change
or
B) does something you really disagree with.
It will only fester and build up contempt for that person.
It's why I'd never date someone that used any kind of drugs.
I just wouldn't be compatible with them.
That's actually a good idea! She keeps trying to get me to give him a chance, when she would probably get along with him better than I would. Besides, just because I can have a conversation with a person doesn't mean that we would be compatible.
Actually I've been friends with this girl for several years, and I think she only started doing it recently. She seems to be recreational and very occasional with her usage, but she also keeps telling me things like "god I wish I could smoke right now" even when it's inappropriate. I've let her know it's not something I agree with.
Actually I've been friends with this girl for several years, and I think she only started doing it recently. She seems to be recreational and very occasional with her usage, but she also keeps telling me things like "god I wish I could smoke right now" even when it's inappropriate. I've let her know it's not something I agree with.
People do change, sometimes. Sounds like she would, and it'd get her off your back about the situation.
I agree with most here who say that you should NEVER disregard your values for a relationship (or for much of anything, for that matter). You will soon find yourself more miserable than you thought possible if you do that. If you're not into pot, for instance, it would be best not to date someone who is. Eventually his pot use would probably really bother you and then everything just becomes a living nightmare.
It really sounds as if the two of you are not compatible. The zero sexual tension thing is a big red flag. Not that people can't have a healthy, happy relationship without a fantastic sex life, but in my opinion, it is important. Physical intimacy is really good for the mind and emotional state, and it enhances other forms of intimacy.
That said, I took a chance on my boyfriend who has "flaws" that I thought really bothered me. For example, he can be really lazy, sort of a quitter, not very motivated. But the more I get to know him, the more I see his many beautiful qualities, such as being very caring, very smart in a practical manner (which I am not), thoughtful, sweet, generous, and more. These things make his "flaws" matter less and less. And it took time for me to see how lovely he is. So try to keep expectations reasonable, and if something tells you to give someone a chance even though they don't live up to all your expectations, go for it. People can really surprise you. And if they don't, and it turns out that you're not happy, move on.
It really sounds as if the two of you are not compatible. The zero sexual tension thing is a big red flag. Not that people can't have a healthy, happy relationship without a fantastic sex life, but in my opinion, it is important. Physical intimacy is really good for the mind and emotional state, and it enhances other forms of intimacy.
That said, I took a chance on my boyfriend who has "flaws" that I thought really bothered me. For example, he can be really lazy, sort of a quitter, not very motivated. But the more I get to know him, the more I see his many beautiful qualities, such as being very caring, very smart in a practical manner (which I am not), thoughtful, sweet, generous, and more. These things make his "flaws" matter less and less. And it took time for me to see how lovely he is. So try to keep expectations reasonable, and if something tells you to give someone a chance even though they don't live up to all your expectations, go for it. People can really surprise you. And if they don't, and it turns out that you're not happy, move on.
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