Dealing w/ Addiction

I'm a addict. There's at least a few of us here, at least those of us willing to admit it.

I've done alot of things, including everything on your short list, and then some. The worst of it for me was nicotine and alcohol. You can include caffeine as well if you consider that a drug. But those are my problem areas. Recently I've managed to break the alcoholism. For a while I was drinking every day. For a period of possibly 5 years now. Just recently I was able to go 3 days without drinking, and I haven't drank at all this week. Must be at least 5 days in now. Nicotine still has its claws in me, but I've switched to vaping and lozenges. If you ever decide to go the vape route, get yourself a real rig. There's nothing more unsatisfying than a vape device that doesn't deliver, especially for those of us used to our daily dose of cancer inhalation. Lozenges are 'healthier' though I believe each lozenge is equivalent to 2-4 cigarettes worth of nicotine depending on the concentration of the dose. I don't do gum, hate it. Patch seems worthless to me; no oral fixation and a constant dose of nicotine that does nothing to satiate a momentary craving.

You kind of have to make an active decision to not do drugs. And that decision has to be active at all times, at least during the first few days of abstinence. For me, it required moving out of state and removing myself from my normal toxic environment. A bit extreme, but nothing helps you reinvent yourself like digging up your roots and setting down somewhere else.

But yeah, first step is wanting to be sober. If you can't do that then you wont be quitting anything. The next step for me involved therapy, but the just of it was confronting my emotions and really digging down deep to figure out why it is that I crave self destruction. I suspect the answer to that question varies from person to person as my answer is pretty specific. It's also a work in progress. I never had a problem dissecting the psyche of someone else, but when it came to myself, I was never able to turn that high powered perception inwards and figure out what was going on underneath those walls. The walls were so well built even I couldn't see behind them.

But that's just me. I'm an addict, probably always will be. Actively choosing to be sober wasn't easy, and I'm still not off nicotine. But it's a big step from where I was. I expect that I will do a number of substances again in the future. Making something forbidden fruit is not a good way to prevent cravings. I just need to have the mind to choose moderation so I don't fall into that pit again after a binge night.

Its the ENTP Anonymously not anonymous thread.

FBE - Stands Up .. "Hey All I am ENTP and Im broken, so broken im almost fixed"

I am also an addict for life. I say this as once an addict always an addict.

Current vices Smokes/weed/painkillers

Past Vices: anything that changes my perception of who I am and/or life.
So just about everything at one point in time. With cocaine being the front runner
for most time spent on a single addiction. Outside of the above mentioned.

I smoke a pack of smokes a day and roughly 2 doobs on a work day.
I never go to work high. I never do drugs during work hours. Never
have. Never will. I also drop all vices, less smoking cig's, when life
needs me at my cerebral best. The pain killers I take from time to time
and at this point they dont do anything other than maintain. Its
completely psychological now. Still addicted though.

I dont know you from a hole in the ground and you also mentioned
you are not asking for help. I wont say more than this. Its not help.
Its a personal lived observation.

Cocaine has brought down the best of them. You dont control
cocaine. There is no normal. There is a user. Then there is
a dead/jailed/OD'd person. After a spell of daily cocaine use it is
maintaining to prevent withdrawal.
That is it. That is what most long term coke heads can even hope to acquire at best.
I still go through withdrawal from my chemical (cocaine extasy crack etc..) days.
20 years later even. I have to admit it is very mild but I do have triggers.
Then the sweats and restless legs start....As well as the general feeling
of impending doom that my brain is saying ...hey you...you know whats
going to fix this...why bother fighting it. Juts one more time! One
more grand finale! This is it....after this half 8 Im done....
...yeah ... right..

To beat my major chemical addictions I had to move cities and lose all
contact with the group I was hanging with. Which was hard as a lot
of those people are in my family. But I did it. I consider the addictions I have
now a shadow compared to what I was doing and I hope in the future I
can totally eliminate the painkillers. Working on that now. Smokes and weed?
Well they will most likely have to tell me I have cancer or something before I even
attempt to quit them. They were/ are my crutch for keeping larger demons at bay.
That in and of itself is a lame excuse I know. But it seems to be my way.

I dont think I can not be an addict. I may only change the addictions to
less harmful ones. Assuming that is ..I prefer to not be harmed.

If I ever lost my family(Wife, 2 boys, grandkid) I would go back to chemical drugs in less than a
pico-second, I think. They are my biggest support group (wife/kids) and my biggest vice, indeed the reason
I find this world a bright place to be in. My wife says I wouldn't. She knows my heart better than
I do so who knows..I hope shes right.

FueledByEvil said:

Its the ENTP Anonymously not anonymous thread.

FBE - Stands Up .. "Hey All I am ENTP and Im broken, so broken im almost fixed"

I am also an addict for life. I say this as once an addict always an addict.

Current vices Smokes/weed/painkillers

Past Vices: anything that changes my perception of who I am and/or life.
So just about everything at one point in time. With cocaine being the front runner
for most time spent on a single addiction. Outside of the above mentioned.

I smoke a pack of smokes a day and roughly 2 doobs on a work day.
I never go to work high. I never do drugs during work hours. Never
have. Never will. I also drop all vices, less smoking cig's, when life
needs me at my cerebral best. The pain killers I take from time to time
and at this point they dont do anything other than maintain. Its
completely psychological now. Still addicted though.

I dont know you from a hole in the ground and you also mentioned
you are not asking for help. I wont say more than this. Its not help.
Its a personal lived observation.

Cocaine has brought down the best of them. You dont control
cocaine. There is no normal. There is a user. Then there is
a dead/jailed/OD'd person. After a spell of daily cocaine use it is
maintaining to prevent withdrawal.
That is it. That is what most long term coke heads can even hope to acquire at best.
I still go through withdrawal from my chemical (cocaine extasy crack etc..) days.
20 years later even. I have to admit it is very mild but I do have triggers.
Then the sweats and restless legs start....As well as the general feeling
of impending doom that my brain is saying ...hey you...you know whats
going to fix this...why bother fighting it. Juts one more time! One
more grand finale! This is it....after this half 8 Im done....
...yeah ... right..

To beat my major chemical addictions I had to move cities and lose all
contact with the group I was hanging with. Which was hard as a lot
of those people are in my family. But I did it. I consider the addictions I have
now a shadow compared to what I was doing and I hope in the future I
can totally eliminate the painkillers. Working on that now. Smokes and weed?
Well they will most likely have to tell me I have cancer or something before I even
attempt to quit them. They were/ are my crutch for keeping larger demons at bay.
That in and of itself is a lame excuse I know. But it seems to be my way.

I dont think I can not be an addict. I may only change the addictions to
less harmful ones. Assuming that is ..I prefer to not be harmed.

If I ever lost my family(Wife, 2 boys, grandkid) I would go back to chemical drugs in less than a
pico-second, I think. They are my biggest support group (wife/kids) and my biggest vice, indeed the reason
I find this world a bright place to be in. My wife says I wouldn't. She knows my heart better than
I do so who knows..I hope shes right.

Click to expand...

I always feel like we have alot of parallels FueledbyEvil.

I do have to agree though, as the great Rick James said:


I had a bad year once, must've dropped a couple grand on the shit. My old company was very fond of snow white.

I feel like you can tell alot about an organization by its drug of choice.

CrispyBacon said:

I always feel like we have alot of parallels FueledbyEvil.

I do have to agree though, as the great Rick James said:

Click to expand...

You a 7w8 by chance? I always find the ENTP 7's seem to be the lucky
number for this kinda crap.

Yeah. Cocaine is crazy. It is the ability to function, unnoticed by gen pop.
I can spot a person on coke from a mile away but I know the signs (I also get envious).
Its not like other drugs in that regard. You can function and at best
you seem a little fast. Super easy to get away with in almost all situations.
Making it the preferred drug for work places and high society.

That in and of itself allows one to think it is more sustainable then other
drugs that have a far more noticeable effect when used. This will
add a heavy psychological addictive element to it. On top of the
already crazy physical.

At one point I was on 250-500$ a day habit. Until I ran outta money...then the crime
started..then the arrest... then the sober walk across the city soul searching.
I was so young then. I had no control and no responsibility. I truly feel that
the only reason I did sober up is because my fear of losing my freedom was greater
than my fear of withdrawal/escapism.
One sober moment is all it takes to see the madness. That was mine.
Being arrested was the best thing that could have happened to me.
Lucky enough the guy I was on this binge with was totally wanted by the cops
for a million other things so I spent two days in a holding cell and they basically
said.."well, we only need one of you and your pal has a rap sheet. Go home and I never
want to see you in this town again". Fair-enough good sir! I was out like shout.

Used to smoke weed, too. Eventually came to the "gateway" phase when it just got... boring. The hype isn't what it used to, munchies doesn't make you as happy as it once did, and all the "weed activities" isn't as fun anymore. Instead of bumping it up to cocaine like some people do, I just quit entirely. I have on rare occasion joined some friends on a few joints, but other than that I'm completely done. It happened naturally, and I'm very happy about that. I have good memories of times I've been high, but I have accepted that it is past.

Nicotine was a lot more trouble. I went from smoking to snus early on since, honestly, snus trumps any other nicotine products in every way. It's primarily only being sold in Norway and Sweden, though, so it's understandable that it's not that much an option for you.

But yeah, I recently managed to quit snus, too, as I'm a college student who needs his money. Nicotine is in your blood for 72 hours, so the first 3 days are the absolute worst when it comes to the physical need of it. After that, it only gets better. The psychological part of it, though...

It's like you've said a final goodbye to a close family member/friend. Someone (something) that was a constant source of positive stimuli whenever you asked for it. Experts say that you need to make time for "grieving" when you quit, and it's true even though it seems silly. I got sleep problems more easily, I got sudden bursts of childlike anger now and then, and I started eating more and gained weight because of it.

It's gone almost 3 months since I quit nicotine completely now, and although most of even the psychological complications are over now, it still feels as if something in my life is missing. Nicotine is such a slick and powerful drug.

FueledByEvil said:

You a 7w8 by chance? I always find the ENTP 7's seem to be the lucky
number for this kinda crap.

Click to expand...

I believe so, couldn't tell you for sure, don't feel like taking an enneagram test, but that sounds like me in college and recently after graduation, when I was at the top of my game. Constantly seeking stimulation, partying hard, working out hard, studying.. more like cramming hard. I feel like a knew so many people back then.

One toxic relationship/career start later, I'm more like an introverted mess who can't be motivated enough to pursue an idea. Seems more like a chore to finish anything. Partially why I don't think an enneagram test will be helpful at this time. The girl and the job, they crushed my spirit. I feel like an empty shell of the man I once was.

It's only now that I've finally left her that I can see it clearly. Emotionally dependent, insecure, attention demanding, soul sucking. You know you're not supposed to save a person who's drowning right? They pull you under and take you with them. And you know the crazy part? I'm coming back to visit her! Isn't that nuts? I mean, she can fuck, but she's fucking crazy ya know? INFP btw.

Sorry for tangent, just thinking out loud, wondering how I became this person. Constant stress and drug abuse I suppose. Introspective and slightly hungover. My drinking is now confined to the weekends so there's that.

FBE, how the hell did you recover? You seem like a guy who has bounced back from the abyss, you got any tips for making it out of there?

CrispyBacon said:

It's only now that I've finally left her that I can see it clearly. Emotionally dependent, insecure, attention demanding, soul sucking. You know you're not supposed to save a person who's drowning right? They pull you under and take you with them. And you know the crazy part? I'm coming back to visit her! Isn't that nuts? I mean, she can fuck, but she's fucking crazy ya know? INFP btw.

Click to expand...

No. I do not think that is nuts at all. Unless you are actually worried about emotional damage (for either side).
Its seems like a good option for easy sex. If you are single then why not? I had a
girlfriend like this growing up. I would always hook up with her between relationships and we both
knew what it was. She is now happily married as am I. It was exactly what we needed it to be.

CrispyBacon said:

Sorry for tangent, just thinking out loud, wondering how I became this person. Constant stress and drug abuse I suppose. Introspective and slightly hungover. My drinking is now confined to the weekends so there's that.

Click to expand...

I like tangents. Have you read my post? That is great news about your culling of vices.
Its a start to be sure.

CrispyBacon said:

FBE, how the hell did you recover? You seem like a guy who has bounced back from the abyss, you got any tips for making it out of there?

Click to expand...

I think the first thing that started to help me was the realization that I am an addict and
that is not going to change. I may only choose to move it around. I may only amend
the behavior never stop it. When I first started to even think about going "clean" (whatever the heck that means).
The first thing I was thinking is I must quit all my vices and what not. Utter folly. That is not how
it works, for me anyhow. I needed to accept that I have this personality and I need to work with it.
Not against it. A surfer dosnt dodge the water. A surfer finds a way to move how he wants with
the water. Lame analogy but it works. In actuality the embracing of the addictive personality
is quite good! Then you can let go of the feelings of wrongness of being an addict.
The stigma of being an addict is crippling. You must beat that before you can even attempt
to beat certain addictions.

Now this is where I kinda veer off the same path as most for recovery.
I did not get any external help. I introduced so many items in my life that
required my attention that they became the drug of choice. I am not sure
this can work for all maybe even most people. I made my woman and my kids my
addiction. I made my job my addiction. I made my gaming my addiction.

I know in life I need/want this: Freedom, My ESFJ, My Kids.
So in a sense? I use distractions and have built up a support group
be it known to them or not.

Another major factor was the feeling that I HAD to rely on people.
I hated that. I did not like the fact that I lived like that. I wanted to be
left alone and not jailed. Drugs like coke and what not are not going to
allow that to happen.

I also felt like I was ripping off my country. I used the hospitals yet
I dodged legal work and didn't pay taxes. I used the services all the
hard working people in my country pay for through taxes yet I did
not feel as if I was contributing to help that. I have no idea why
that played so heavy on me but it did and still does. If you use
the system you damn well pony up and help or go live in a forest
somewhere. I dont care if its helping by paying income tax or
helping by volunteering but you need to help support the
society you live in. That said I live in a first world country
that offers services to people. I am sure this does not ring true
for some countries.

Last major factor? I still am addicted to drugs. So to say I have beaten it
is not entirely true. I have just minimized it and meet all my above mentioned
commitments to self/family/country thus allowing me to vindicate current vices
as the only draw back is potentially my health. Being that my kids are raised and
able to care for themselves my health is not so much a worry to me at this point.

I'm 7w8. My mom is a big addict but went into treatment when I was a teen. Her parents were addicts. I think because I grew up around that and her mental illness and as the oldest kid it prevented me from using when I was young. But I did have that personality, so I channeled it into that ENTP need for stimulation. I'm sx/so and very strong extrovert. I wanted adventure/danger. I left home early and by 17 was traveling around the world, working in conflict situations, military coups, pandemics. A lot of time it was just me, a teenaged or early twenties girl alone by a hut in Africa waiting for a truck to pick me up after a flight drop off. It is just that need for stimulation and I don't know - I almost feel like for me as an ENTP with a major skew towards thinking and away from feeling I long to feel. You become or I became a feel junkie. The more exciting or dangerous or unpredictable the situation the better. That said, I was logical enough not to do some things (I turned down a night in a heroin den in SE Asia with a bunch of Australian guys I didn't know who would "take care of me" as a 20 year old). Stuff like that. I also used sex as a bit of an outlet. I don't know if it was an addiction because as an ENTP sx/so who disregards most social mores it is hard to tell. I can stop indulging once in a relationship, however it is that same feeling as when I am looking for adventure/danger.

I don't know. I think it is ingrained in my personality, but I now live in the west and try to channel that need into more productive/safer things. I have a career where I can do some of that but have enough responsibilities where I don't indulge in vices too much, as I would lose what I have. Similar to what @FueledByEvil said about having a family, I have a career where if I did some of the things I used to do I could lose my career over it. I've worked too hard for that. That said, if I did lose my career I would be at it like no body's business.
@427N I know you aren't looking to get a solution from us, but just an insight. Habitual use (especially high habitual use) of marijuana actually modifies your brain to increase baseline anxiety, which increases as a mechanism when you go for periods of time without use. Obviously you already know about self-medication and offered insights about that, but I just didn't know if you were aware of that side-effect of regular use and its relationship to increasing levels of chronic anxiety. Just a thought.