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I haven't been that great for the past year or so.

  • Boyfriend's cancer and skin condition is wearing on me and I'm over 2,000 miles away from home. (He is finally done with chemo.)
  • Going outdoors is a struggle for him and we probably go outside once every other week.
  • We have to keep all the windows closed and blinds shut because it's hard for him to wear clothes.
  • I am too afraid to get a job because I want to go home for the holidays.
  • I am too afraid to go outside because it has always been a terrible experience when I have. (I've been out multiple times and each time I have been harassed by locals.)

I have done the same thing, day after day, for a year. I don't remember the past 5 months and it's making it hard to sleep at night thinking my life has been wasting away and my family at home is growing old without me. I've told him my issues, he breaks down, (his skin even acts up.) and his only solution is to break up because he will never get better. (As far as we know, that's true. He has a severe skin condition we've yet to diagnose. We even got his oncologist to collect a board of doctors and discuss his condition to no avail.)

My idea was for him to move with me to my hometown. (6 hour plane ride.)

His mother is gone, his father has passed, and his closest family member is 10 hours away. We have nothing but cheap throwaways in this apartment. It would be too easy to move.

He is too afraid of change .

I love him completely, but I can't live like this either. What should I do to get through to him?

Excuse the excess details. I'm partially venting.
 

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Maybe give him an ultimatum and let him know you're serious. Maybe he needs pressure to wake up to the situation.
 

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What change is he afraid of, exactly? It doesn't sound like he is tied to where he is in terms of family or town/city amenities. Is he worried about leaving his oncologist? Is he worried about moving being too stressful on his body?

I am dating a guy who has Asperger's and therefore tends to view things in black and white. He tends to get fatalistic when he is stressed and sometimes I feel like a bitch but I just push until we are on the other side of it and he agrees that it didn't go as badly as he thought it would.
 

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Just book the tickets, come home and tell him you're moving home. He can come with you or not. He might get all stressed out temporarily but I'm pretty certain he's getting on that plane with you. What's his alternative? He isn't in a good place to be making decisions right now and sometimes having someone make that decision for you can be a relief. It's not like his Dr's are on the verge of a breakthrough for him. Maybe changing Dr's will actually be a good thing, these ones are clearly no further help.
 

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I'm not sure if that's really "black and white thinking" so much as him being very afraid of change, as you said.

If you've explained your feelings about the situation to him honestly, I think it would be best for you to just go. I know you love him a lot because you wouldn't have stayed this long if you didn't but sacrificing the years of your life trying to love him despite the obvious strain it's putting on you will be beneficial to no one--obviously not to you, and not to him either because you'll probably end up resenting him for "trapping" you like that even if it isn't really his fault and at the very least, it will probably put such a strain on you that you just won't have the capacity to be there and care for him and love him in the way that he needs and if that happens, what are you really staying for?

I would do as the others have said..... Tell him flat out that you're leaving to go back home and explain again why, and then leave it up to him to decide whether his love for you or his fear of change is stronger. I know that sounds cold-hearted and it would probably kill me to have to do that to him if I was in your position but if you don't, it's really a no-win situation all around.

:unsure:
 
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