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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, this is probably an unusual INFP post. But I realized just now that when on facebook, I decided not to like my friend's post because I was irritated with them, even though I normally would've. :dry: On top of that, the reason I did that was because I've never really approached them about the irritation. (Ok, fine, its anger). I tried to bring the topic once and they immediately jumped down my throat. So I immediately backed off.

Now, I'm really bad at dealing with when I'm mad at other people, (as you can tell from my pathetic version of showing someone up) especially when they're the type to protest, which most of my friends are.

"Hey, I'm kinda sad/angry for such and such a reason."

"Well, you blah blah blah."

"Okay, I don't like arguments, so I'm going to back off now so everyone can be happy again."

Except I'm not happy and the problem is still there. What do you guys do?
 

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I learn to laugh it off. Nothing is nearly as important as we make it seem. (Psychological knowledge - look up "impact bias")
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
That is my first resort. But if it lingers, I don't know what to do. Maybe its not so much angry as an issue that ought to be resolved, or an issue with they way they are acting that isn't going away.

And impact bias: interesting theory, and I think that will actually help me a lot.
 

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Another psychological fact: Acting angry just puts you in the habit of acting angry. (Earlier theories were that you need to let your anger out. NO. Don't do that. It's a poor coping method to do the "savage yells" and all that.) One good thing to do is sort of channel and moderate your anger by putting it into a specific task, usually a physical one. Exercise or manual labor, or what I like to do is martial arts - all those are good.

You could try meditating or yoga as well - and maybe doing some research on the Buddhist concept of "detachment" would help (sort of related to impact bias). The Buddhists believe that pain and suffering are due to over-attachment and desire, and if you can detach yourself and desire nothing (or at least things which can be obtained), then you may find some peace. Or something like that. :tongue:
 
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If you feel you want to confront your issues with the person responsible, then maybe you need to address them differently to avoid their defensive reaction...(which is actually very difficult if you're trying to deal with a really stubborn or unsympathetic person) e.g "can't you see how saying X might hurt might feelings?" might either cause them to sympathize or to get defensive

If you feel like you really cannot get through to this person, then you just need to work through the anger alone without conclusion or closure, and without becomming bitter afterward. Maybe you could try by taking up some kind of activity with your friend to create some positive energy between you two. (Going out and doing whatever you two find fun) Although, I personally find it hard to be friends with someone who will not communicate with me when there is a problem
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you! I will definitely keep on not letting out my anger angrily. I do keep a journal, which helps on letting out my feelings, but the issue is usually still there.

And thanks on the defense reaction thing. I actually think that could be a contributing factor for some of the issues.

And sometimes, it will be that they will listen to me, smile and nod, and then do little to improve the issue. But I don't want to make a big deal by bringing it up again, and I try to tell myself that since they're putting in some effort, it shows they care and that can be enough.

Other times, I guess I will cite an example, my friend and I are both in a club. I'm devoted and believe in it, and she is doing it for college applications. Still, she is closer to the people in it than I. So we were planning on running for prez/vice-prez of the club together. But I kinda think that since she comes to less things and is less devout and cares less, I sorta deserve it more to be prez and I really believe in the club and would like to be because of that. (I don't want to be presumptuous by saying I deserve it more, but I have more reasons to be prez than she). I mentioned I would kinda like to run for prez. She said: I will run against you. Just like that, very aggressively. I immediately backed down. I don't want to fight about it. And if we ran against each other, she would win, because she has more friends in it.

I guess I just have a problem that she doesn't even care that much about the club like I do and is just doing it for college, yet she is ambitious enough to run against her friend to get it. I kind of felt betrayed that she didn't even question it and was so willing to go against me. But I suppose I should just accept being VP and not make a big deal, because I don't really care about the title and I could still do things for the club in that position.
 

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I mentioned I would kinda like to run for prez. She said: I will run against you. Just like that, very aggressively. I immediately backed down. I don't want to fight about it. And if we ran against each other, she would win, because she has more friends in it.
Ahh, I can see how she would feel defensive toward that. She might have felt like you were attacking her in some way. Maybe you can confront her (if you feel you want to) by letting her know that you didn't mean to attack her if she perceived it that way. Don't tell her that you're worried she won't take the position/club seriously.. just ask her if she will/does. Ask her how dedicated she feels toward the cause and tell her how dedicated you feel. You don't have to argue about who runs for what, but maybe you can talk about why she wants to run for President and why she got so angry when you said you wanted to run for that position instead

Like I said, all of that is just if you decide to confront her and talk with her. Maybe she just isn't the kind of person you can have a discussion like that with, which would be really unfortunate (I'd rethink my friendship with a person who'd refuse to talk with me)

Either way, the bitterness you feel now is something you need to work through so you don't continue to hold resentment toward her. Keeping a journal is great. Maybe developing a healthy routine whenever you get angry can help you let go of it a little more. E.g. whenever you feel stressed out, you eat something healthy, go for a run, take a shower, do whatever other activity you enjoy (painting, music, dancing, etc) and write about your thoughts/feelings/day
Although, way easier said than done... Idealist advice, huh? :p I tend to skip right over 'baby steps' Really,the channeling your anger to yoga/meditation advice leans more toward baby steps than changing your entire daily routine :p
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you! This helps so much :D I will definitely take all of this into consideration.
 
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