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So, I was suddenly an unexpectedly dumped by my INFP girlfriend of 4 months yesterday, a woman I've mentioned on these forums a few times. Obviously I'm heartbroken, it was a shock, but unfortunately she is not an articulate woman. I was given virtually no reasons except to say that she was "triggered" not by something I had done, and that due to past trauma in her life her heart had shut its door to me, fallen out of love, like with other men in the past. That's quite literally all I know.

But that's also unfair for me, I think I deserved more of an explanation. She tried to text me once I got home and also this morning and I've told her honestly that's not beneficial as it opens very fresh wounds. However, I really want to figure out forensically what the hell occurred as I know I treated her like gold - heck, we never had a single argument.

I've asked for some space - ironic since it was she that broke it off with me - but am planning to maybe email her in two weeks and she if she can articulate more. Do you guys think it's even worth it?

Have you ever 'randomly' fallen out of love with somebody before?
 

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That sounds very odd and certainly a unique situation, I would certainly ask about it. If all you have done is remind her of something bad then I would say maybe it's maybe possible to talk her through it and resolve it. But definitely worth asking about at the very least. I think giving it some time to think over would definitely help, and it's possible that she will reach out to you on her own in that time too.
 

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I'm sorry it ended so abruptly, and without warning from her. :/

From your posts the past few months, it seems she was never willing [or able] to articulate her expectations, boundaries, or standards when it came to this relationship. Naturally, her decision to end it was also done off your radar. I truly don't think I would bother to wait for a solid answer from her, because she's never been able to give you one. In the end, she decided she didn't want to be with you, and the reasons she gave at that time seem to fall in line with her logic in other situations. She doesn't owe you a detailed explanation beyond this [though she could've handled so many things differently], so I would be inclined to literally chalk it up to being her and not you, and try to move on without contacting her again. If she tries to contact YOU, I would be cautious.
 

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Have you ever 'randomly' fallen out of love with somebody before?
No, but I have surprised some beaus when I've left. I have a tendency to present issues as opportunities (plus probably all sorts of other ENTP things), though, and its likely these particular men did not take me seriously. I can confidently say that I've left a trail if someone cares to go back and look for it.

Did you have any warning, whatsoever? Anything you can look back on for clues? Not that you should have to spend energy on that, or that she could have helped things by being more clear along the way. But I'd be very curious as to the 'why' if I were you. If nothing else so you can learn anything there is to learn from the experience, it may help you in your healing, and it will satisfy any innate curiosity so you can officially close the door.

What is she texting you about?

Are you considering staying with her if she wants to get back together?

I do think its worth trying to understand (if that's what you were trying to get by having her write in a few weeks). If it were me, I'd likely ask her to put her thoughts into an email whenever she felt like it and then read what she wrote whenever I felt like it. I would not talk to her (too fresh and less time to process what she is saying, plus she is more likely to be 'thorough' in writing), but I'd do better emotionally by understanding what went wrong than not understanding what went wrong. And personally I am better closing a door on something that I can understand or rationalize than something I cannot. If she cannot give it to you, you may have to uncover it yourself.

Keep us posted!
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Did you have any warning, whatsoever?

What is she texting you about?

Are you considering staying with her if she wants to get back together?

I do think its worth trying to understand (if that's what you were trying to get by having her write in a few weeks).If it were me, I'd likely ask her to put her thoughts into an email whenever she felt like it and then read what she wrote whenever I felt like it. I
Thank you for your reply.

She has given some warning signs in the past but I assumed I was an ENFP reading between the lines. She's had a couple brief episodes where she was questioning the relationship (for no reason again, when I'd ask her) but she always came back warmer for me than before. Her "romantic" texting had been really dialed back the past 1.5 weeks but prior to that she had been quite consistent. That said, nothing changed from my perspective during that time: no arguments, faux pas, bad dates, etc.

The breakup conversation was so weird. She basically said her heart was closed to me and just sat there quietly...I had to take the lead and prompt her "Ok, what now?" When I asked her what her heart said, she said she wanted a break - but to free me as if it was a breakup.

Why do we people so over complicate things I say to that?

I would be open to getting back together with her, I told her that yesterday. I was quite calm in the moment but I said that if she did come back she would need to be committed to making things work out and not let her fears or past dominate her. If she couldn't do that, then there wouldn't be hope.

@neutralchaotic From your posts the past few months, it seems she was never willing [or able] to articulate her expectations, boundaries, or standards when it came to this relationship. Naturally, her decision to end it was also done off your radar. I truly don't think I would bother to wait for a solid answer from her, because she's never been able to give you one. In the end, she decided she didn't want to be with you, and the reasons she gave at that time seem to fall in line with her logic in other situations.

This probably encapsulates the relationship as good as even I could, as you were one of the commentators on a couple of my earlier posts. I think this is probably the most plausible answer. She always would tell me she didn't "know me" and that there was "more to me" but in actuality, that wasn't true. I had been very open with her and I think she hoped/believed I was a more complex or different individual in ways she'd favor than I actually was. I think she may have been infatuated with me, as NFs sometimes do, and realized that who I really was, wasn't what she hoped for.

@Adonnus In the past she'd have some fears come up but we would always 'get over them' though it's become clear nothing was actually resolved. She would always come back with me and reconcile but she seems to finally have hit the wall and let her fears run her life. I have to move on as if it's a "full" breakup because that's only fair to me and she has to enter the desert and wrestle her demons once and for all, or let them rule her life.
 

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If I had to guess, I'm thinking this has to do with her baggage along the trust issue you had shared on the other thread.

In response to your question, no, I have never "randomly" fallen out of love. The idea that there was no reason seems wrong to me (Fi is a rational function albeit warmer than cold logic). Whether or not she can articulate the reason(s) or wants to share it/them with you is another matter...
 

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I’m sorry to hear this but it matches her pattern.

I’ve never fallen out of love, random or otherwise. Once I love someone, it’s forever. A relationship might not work but for me, once love is felt it is always felt. I look back at someone from 20 years ago and the feeling is still there.
 
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Sorry to hear. The sum total of all your threads suggests she has issues, not least communication-wise.
 
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I'm really sorry:sad:

It seemed like you were very good to her. She had some big communication issues, I guess. I doubt she'd ever be able to articulate her reasons why.

I know that when I've broken up with people, it's because they've offended me so much that I can't stand them anymore. Then I reel back in disgust when they try to communicate with me afterwards. The way she broke up is not the way I break up. You didn't bust her value code one. last. time.—She just thought too much when she was by herself and probably cooked up some weird scenario in her mind, fueled by past personal issues. You may not want to get wrapped up in that again.
 
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I feel like I know what's going on but can't really put it into words, either way I feel like what's been happening wth you and this girl is effed up. Like the whole situation even from your other threads, this is effed up and the girl kind of screwed with you a little without you knowing. If I am wrong I'm sorry for painting your situation like that, but that's what I honestly think.

Like, the whole time there is this push and pull she's doing with you, and doubting who you are, and all this crap. The doubting makes sense, she thinks she doesn't "know" you, because certain things you have said about yourself probably haven't met her very specific and nuanced qualifications for knowing you. Like maybe some super duper dark secret thing that makes you appear super vulnerable and known to her. Or some moment of weakness that allows her to feel like she has seen some special hidden side of you. Whatever she was looking for it wasn't you, so she wasn't looking for you.

And the whole "I want you to be free like a break up." yea my initial thought when reading that was, she seems to be admitting that she doesn't want to feel bad about keeping you on a leash while she sorts out her feelings. And yea not fair to you at all. It's indecisive push and pull again "I don't want to commit to you, but I don't want to commit to ending things with you either." And you're letting her get away with jerking you around. That's why I think it's effed up, every thread sounds like you are letting her get away with jerking you around, like she has complete control over whether this relationship is real or not, while it seems like you have none. I know you like her, and have feelings for her but I honestly think if you were with her this won't change. Unless she gets to some point where she no longer jerks you around with every which way her emotions take her, or you don't allow her to do that crap and get her to make a damn decision about you. Like it sounds like she's got you lost in her every emotion, and you shouldn't deal with that, once she's got that crap figured out she can come and let you know her final decision and stick to it.


TLDR: I think she's been jerking you around because you let her, and you should stop letting her jerk you around.
 

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I've never done anything like this...
If I see guy as a friend and he tries to get closer in a romantic way, then I become distant (but I don't think that's the case if she told you she liked you in a romantic way).
I also wouldn't dump someone I'd date, if he treated me well (I only dump guys when I feel neglected and I want to dump them before they will, as I feel like our relationship has no future).
Neither of this sounds to be the case with her. I don't know what's wrong with her.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I've never done anything like this...
If I see guy as a friend and he tries to get closer in a romantic way, then I become distant (but I don't think that's the case if she told you she liked you in a romantic way).
I also wouldn't dump someone I'd date, if he treated me well (I only dump guys when I feel neglected and I want to dump them before they will, as I feel like our relationship has no future).
Neither of this sounds to be the case with her. I don't know what's wrong with her.
She still reaches out to me once or twice per year. She asks me if I'm writing again, how my family is. I give her 1-2 line answers and never ask questions of her. I hope she just goes away but I don't have the heart to block her even though she ended things with me. She was very broken, going into therapy right after she dumped me, and hasn't been in a relationship since she says.
 
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