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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So...I'm just recently out of a 4 year long insanely intense relationship with a fellow INFJ (Female).

When we first met she was so broken. So much abuse she has suffered, physical, mental, sexual violence, never someone in HER corner before. She was literally hearing voices and was convinced she was schizophrenic. It was obvious she wasn't, that she had just been so abused her mind had created a companion for herself, since her family wouldn't listen to her. She is a WORLD CLASS artists, truly, but had never painted on a canvas in her life. So much to offer this world...

In typical INFJ form...I felt a deep sense of obligation to protect this beautiful person. To love her, care for her, provide for her, help her achieve her dreams. And thats what happened for the first 3.5 years or so. Paying for vacations to visit her "Good" family, healthy/nice food all the time, art supplies...whatever she wanted. My family is actually quite wealthy and I couldn't think of a better use for money than this. Protecting her from her sociopathic/psychopathic family members, old boyfriends, trying to teach her how to set boundaries and stuff like that...

But eventually my own needs came to the surface. My desire to help shape this world into an actually LIVABLE place. We started a small business that makes "Colloidal silver lotion"...phenomenal healing benefits for all sorts of skin conditions. Eczema, psoriasis, gout, MRSA, Shingles, etc...It really surprised me.

Once I realized the implications of this, the money this would save people, the quality of life this has helped to give people...Well, my main priority in life shifted from her onto getting this out into the world. That was the beginning of the end.

I was the one who actually needed help now, support, guidance sometimes. She just...couldn't. Or wouldn't. Still not really sure. We started to argue ALL the time. Yelling and just intense words exchanged constantly. Sleeping in separate beds...basically we had broken up.

The problem was she had NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. For months I had been trying to get her to find a job, make some more friends, just GIVE ME A BREAK from her constant...cruelty and depression, basically. She got very mean, attempting to shoot me down and ruin my self esteem at every opportunity. Making me out to be a mean jerk all the time.

I finally just couldn't take it anymore and kicked her out. She went to her psychopathic father who is **LITERALLY A MURDERER**. It took him 8 hours to convince her to talk to the police and he eventually had to just call them himself. She attempted to rip up the police report, even, contradicted herself saying I'm a kind and gentle man...but there is a "zero tolerance" policy in the county we live in, and SOMEONE HAS to go to jail if the cops are called.

Her father knew this. He has hated me for ever. Cold hearted psycho couldn't deal with the fact she would choose me over him and saw this as his opportunity to get a little pay back.

But yeah...long story short, she sent me to jail for no reason. I CANNOT deal with being controlled or confined. It is beyond toxic. Anyone who knows me, like she does, would know that.

What would you do, now that it is over in court and my name is cleared. Would you talk to her again? Be friends? Be partners again? Do you ever trust her, again?

The fact she went to her psychopathic father who HATES me...and allowed him to manipulate her into calling the cops...basically ruins all sense of trust we had built over the years. Imagine if we had children, like we were planning...I mean, she stopped hanging out with him because he starting SMACKING her. Her mother divorced him because she thought he was going to MURDER HER AND THE CHILDREN. This is who she turns to? How could I trust her to be the mother of my children, if she would include this murderous psychopath who HATES me, in her life?

Help me understand...Please. I just don't know what to do. I miss her so much, still love her so much...but how do you trust someone that makes such TERRIBLE decisions for themselves and the people around them.


Sorry for the lack of "flow" in this post, but hopefully it is good enough of an explanation.
 

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I think you need to be free from the feelings of guilt & responsibility dumped on you by this relationship. My situation when I met my husband was not quite that bad, but it was bad. I had literally no one but him I could count on. But he taught me to be strong, and discover who I was and what I'm about, independent of him. This girl seems to have a lot of psychological issues, and you are on the receiving end of the toxic fallout. This sounds like a seriously dysfunctional dependent relationship.

She has choices....they might not be easy, but she could hypothetically make it on her own without her family. She threw you under the bus, dude. The correct and healthy response to someone that has saved you from hell is loyalty & gratitude. A relationship is two partners that support and care for one another, not 75/25. I think you know all of this. You may love her, but love sometimes means doing the hard thing. In this case, I think for your health, future happiness, and well being, you need to leave that door closed.
 

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What does she want and what do you want?

The competitive "him or me" dynamic between you and your girlfriend/mother's murderer father/husband sounds like a rich vein of material for introspection and reflection. You may find it worth your while to put some attention there once you sort out whatever this current situation is.
 

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Holy, what a messy situation.

I'm no counsellor, but if I were you I'd choose between the following:

1. She is too toxic for you to handle; it's affecting your pursuit too much. If what I know about INFJs is correct, just by having negative people around affects them greatly. Then, cut her out and move on. That's just life and reality sometimes.

2. If you still want her around, have her around you, not her psycho father. Ideally, if you're financially up for it, arrange a minimal, but separate living space, so you two won't have to interact randomly and cause trouble. Set a clear boundary. I would recommend her a well-established religious (or secular) communities that have good support system and genuinely good people. She does need help; but as much as you want to help her and make it work, when your attention is divided, it's just not feasible to do it alone.

In both cases, don't be afraid to seek professional help.
 

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When we're feeling extra vulnerable or lonely, we don't run to what is truly safe, we run to what is familiar. It's a pretty common theme for people who have been abused to return to someone who horrible to them (but who they know) than to try the unknown with a bunch of strangers who claim they're friendly. Better the devil you know than the one you don't, I guess. Read up on Stockholm Syndrome and related. There's a lot of good stuff out there that may help you understand what's going through her head.

But as for just you...know it's nothing personal. It's not a measure of your worth or how much love you poured into her. It's also not a measure of how much she loved you that she decided to leave. Think about this: She moved in with you, but you were the one to kick her out. What were you expecting her to do? Come back crying and begging to be let back in? With her past, do you think she'd allow herself to do that? Not trying to make you out as the bad guy, but it might be a clue to where she's coming from.

The questions about whether talking to her again or not...well...I think you have a moral duty to make sure she's being taken care of from afar--meaning, report her father's murderous butt if you haven't already, get the police involved if you suspect the abuse might be ongoing, ask a therapist to see if there might be anyway of securing her treatment for her various issues (if she's receptive to it, that is) and/or room and board for her if she can't work.

That said, I wouldn't suggest getting any further involved her life than you might do for an acquaintance. It already burned you badly once. If this guy can get you landed in prison, I'd be worried what else he could do, not just for your reputation/legal record, but for your physical safety as well.

Also, say you let her back in--what guarantee do you have that things would be better than what caused you to kick her out in the first place? You have to come to the reality that you can't save her or fix her--only she can do that, through a lot of time, patience, introspection, and bravery. That may not happen for years. It may not happen ever. In the meanwhile, it's not good for you to be around all that negativity. You've got a life worth fighting for, too, hun.
 

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So much abuse she has suffered, physical, mental, sexual violence, never someone in HER corner before.

In typical INFJ form...I felt a deep sense of obligation to protect this beautiful person. To love her, care for her, provide for her, help her achieve her dreams. ...

But eventually my own needs came to the surface.

Well, my main priority in life shifted from her onto getting this out into the world. That was the beginning of the end.

I was the one who actually needed help now, support, guidance sometimes. She just...couldn't. Or wouldn't.

For months I had been trying to get her to find a job, make some more friends, just GIVE ME A BREAK from her constant...She got very mean, attempting to shoot me down and ruin my self esteem at every opportunity.

long story short, she sent me to jail for no reason. What would you do, now that it is over in court and my name is cleared.

Would you talk to her again? Be friends? Be partners again? Do you ever trust her, again?

Imagine if we had children, like we were planning...How could I trust her to be the mother of my children, if she would include this murderous psychopath who HATES me, in her life?

How do you trust someone that makes such TERRIBLE decisions for themselves and the people around them.

As you can see, I summed up the important details in your story. Read this now. Do you really want us to provide you an answer? I think you already know what you should do.

I agree with @sarahscriptor I think you should keep that door closed. If you want to know what I'd do, I would do the same. She seems to have a lot of issues, and don't get this wrong, I think what you have done is to make her completely dependent on you. You obviously didn't mean to but that's what had happened. When you shifted your main priority to something else she might have felt betrayed. She seems to have father issues as well, so of course she is going to run back and forth between you both whenever something goes wrong. Is that the life you want?

She can't handle your attention going to something else, what if she respond the same to your children? She needs a lot of healing to do before becoming a mother. So rather than jumping back into a relationship, help her to get professional help so she can learn to stand on her own feet. When you get involved in her life she will not do that.

Although you feel betrayed by her, I have a really strong feeling that she felt she was betrayed by you. She too is an INFJ after all. Betrayal is THE limit to most of us. So if you really love her help her to find help but I don't think you should get involved in that process. It's her life. Remember to take care of yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all very much for the advice, it is well received.

It is hard but probably will just have to stay away from her...too easy to be pulled back in. My family has already offered to get her an apartment of her own to get away from her father/family, and she is very intelligent, so yeah...I suppose it is just up to her now. Will offer to pay for therapy again, too.

My family also hired a private investigator to dig through his life. I am actually fairly concerned for the safety of my sisters/mother/self, seeing as psychopaths like him have ZERO limits on what they will do. It is a family "secret" that he murdered a man 20 years ago and got away with it. Pretty sure there are other bodies in his past to find. That is what should send him to jail. Predators like this...can't be allowed to roam free. It blows my mind he has slipped under the radar this long.

Honest to GOD, my intuition tells me he is a serial killer. He Murders their pet dogs and cats all the time, anything he can, actually. The people he surrounds himself with are conditioned to accept this sort of behavior and so they don't raise red flags. He is aggressive, controlling, abusive, and only cares for himself. He has started half a dozen families, then abuses them until they kick him out, then he moves on to the next victim. Spreading his seed far and wide in that typical psychopathic way.

Now that Grace and her brother are old enough to be useful to him...he has come to "collect" them, for lack of a better word. It really is quite fascinating to observe. He moved from Hawaii into a home like...a MILE AND A HALF from where we were living. Just completely stuck his ass into our lives, with no regard for anyone but himself. Fully expected her to just fall into line, come live with him, be his little servant, etc...and his hatred of me stems from the fact she DIDN'T just drop her life and run into "daddy's" arms. Very, very, very disturbing relationship there.

I'm 25, and was an extremely naive and sheltered young man when we first met, at 21. She was only 18, and is 22 now. We're both so young...But yeah. Intellectually it is easy to understand why she went to him. This relationship has had me reading a LOT on the psychology of abuse victims, stockholm syndrome, and co dependency. Suppose it will just take time to be able to accept how things have changed, and never will be the same again.

Honestly it is just hard to not have a best friend anymore, for it to vanish over night in such a disturbing way. She understood me on such a deep level...it was intoxicating. But intellectually there really is just the one option, unfortunately. She doesn't really want to heal, yet, it seems like...It would mean coming to terms with the kind of MONSTERS that her family members are. Hard to accept that you've been abused, controlled, manipulated, and taken advantage of by someone you both love and respect still.

Anyways, thank you for taking the time to reply to this and empathize with me. It is terrifying to imagine what this situation would be like, if we had already had children and been married.
 

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I have known a few severe abuse survivors in the past, (even seeking to date 2) seeking kinship.
Realising that many want the benefits of loving relationships (support, love, non judgement, equality, trust, unconditional affection, feeling valued etc.) but have to also feel ready to share and receive these gifts without expecting a therapist, a fixer or someone to turn against them at the first 'wrongdoing'.
Codependency, enmeshment, and saviour complexes can unfortunately be difficult to break without someone becoming the villian or becoming 'just like them' [the abuser as the representation of 'loving relationships']... The real challenge is trying to figure when you have done your best for other, knowing that your responsibility for another has ended and learning to let go of guilt and negatively projected towards you by the survivor that has nowhere else to contain it but with loved ones.
 

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I am sorry for your troubles. Don't mind me asking, but what country do you live in? The fact that the police has to take someone away for them being called, just shows a broken system. I thought it was about the truth, not about taking someone to jail. That makes me very angry to hear.

About your relationship, I think it's best to move on, you're dealing with a person that cannot be trusted. There are people with problems out there, but once someone you loved hurts you and just wants stupid revenge, they are clearly not worth forgiving. Such treachery is just horrible.

You know, maybe you made mistakes too, maybe you got her used to a specific lifestyle or attention, and now you abandoned her completely. Still, sending you to jail, that's just malefic. Why did she not try to talk to you, or maybe she did and you didn't want to listen?

I will quote the best reply I have ever seen on this forum, everybody should follow this golden rule:

Never forget: Don't stick your dick in crazy and you can't fix stupid.

Twitch
I hope you find peace.
 

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This is a situation that need professional help clearly.

But first, I encite you to take a look into yourself.
If you find love, if you realize that those moments you've passed together and the connection between you and her truly worth it, you shouldn't give up.
Obviously, you have to left behind every single grain of guilty. You haven't done anything wrong. Life is twisty.
She has problems. I think she had to have been helped (professionally) before.
If you find the way to get closer, to win his confidence again, to get away from his father (acquating the authorities he's so dangerous), you should convince her to go to the psychiatrist or something like that. This is all difficult, I know. Nothing is impossible. But you must be sure, SUBTLE and careful. She has corrupted you, and you see her return as a betrayal. I think it can be related to the Stockholm Syndrome in some way. So, if you've lost hope and you feel without enough strength, I recommend you to take professional help too.
Accompanying all of this, you must keep the sincerity.
I hope this will help you somehow, or at least you can get away from those bad experiences.
 

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I suspect you and the girl are both young. I was right.

Only young ppl would be so hopeful and helpful, wanting to rescue a broken person. If you ask me and @warweasel, we'd say hell no. I wouldn't even touch that person in the first round, don't care how talented she is and all.

It's priority. What's the most important? You yourself, of course. If you weren't "right", nothing would be right in your world.

Set your priority straight, everything else would follow.

As much as we empathize, we can't rescue every stray, abused, down and out ppl. Animals maybe. Saving ppl is a hard business, especially if you are also having sex with the one you want to save, you lose perspective (like a therapist having a relationship with his patient).
 
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